stansmam Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Hi, I'm getting to the point where I'm actually desperate for help. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we live together. The first few months we're amazing, but since Christmas, our relationship has plummeted. At Christmas he decided to stop smoking and he started on champix tablets. Thats when the problems started. We began to argue over the most stupid stuff, I could never do anything right, he was miserable all the time and sex just completely stopped. He has stopped touching me, passionately kissing me. He refuses to do anything for me sexually. When I have questioned him about it, he just clams up and gets mad. He says he won't talk about it because it's embarrassing. I started to get so upset that it is on my mind all of the time. I asked him to stop taking the tablets because they have completely changed him. Now we are a few months down the line and he is better in himself, he isn't being as horrible anymore but the sex has actually got worse. He tells me that he just doesn't want it and because I moan about it, it makes matters worse. I try my hardest to be understanding but I feel like I am swimming against the tide. I have even encouraged him to start smoking again to make him happy, but nothing!! I love my boyfriend so much but he makes me feel completely inadequate. I am embarrassed when I constantly get knocked back. I feel so unattractive and when he says it's cos I moan, I hate myself inside too. I don't know what to do. I'm at the point where I am crying almost every night, I am constantly trying to be nice and get things back to normal and then I get let down. As I just want him to be happy, I have bought him a dog, what he has always wanted and that has actually made things worse. He seems happier and we are getting on better, but he seems to be more in love with the dog!! He constantly tells me that he loves me, but how can someone who loves me make me feel so bad? I really don't know much more I can random. Pls will someone help me?! Thank you!
mortensorchid Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 CHantix can do that to a person. I know I was on that for a bit myself and it made me crazy. It is a known side effect that your drive will change (and yes, I do mean sexually), as well as your moods or even your personality. When you think about it, just about everything is chemistry. As for your bf's quitting smoking, I would recommend if he hasn't tried it already, the patches because they work and you will not have such side effects. As for the other things... Well, the Chantix may be an excuse for something else that you're not telling others here. Was he really so different before the Chantix? If so, then I would consult with a professional on what to do about it (pharmacist, psychiatrist, doctor, etc.). If that doesn't work, then there is something else lingering.
dasein Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Sorry this has happened to your relationship, and it's a testament to what psychoactive drugs we don't fully understand can do to our brain chemistry. Sometimes, brain chemistry can take months to revert, sometimes it never does. Maybe his will change soon. Good luck. 2
FitChick Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 After 90 days he should be able to wean himself off the drug. If he is nervous about doing it, tell him to switch to nicotine gum or the nicotine patch as someone has suggested.
neveragain34 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 How long were you together before you moved in?
Author stansmam Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Hi, thanks for the replys, Aye, everything was good before the champix, there is a direct correlation. He is a lot better in that he is not picking to argue with me over the smallest thing, but any love for me is just none existant. He says he loves me eternally and is sorry that he makes me unhappy, this is when he opens up again before he goes back into defensive mode! There is no way I would ever be able to get him to the docs. I'm petrified for our relationship ship, I don't understand how something can be so good but also so bad?! We officially moved in together after 6 months, but I have spent most of my time with him from the start. Thank you again for your replys.
ChessPieceFace Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) God, yet another horror story about psych drugs. He needs to stop taking them immediately and use any other options available (patch?) Do some research about side-effects of that drug and see if there's anything that can be done to reverse or mitigate them, and what kind of time-frame you're looking at. I don't really know what you can do about his lack of interest other than getting in better shape? I don't know what you look like but that advice is pretty universal. And then if it turns out that he doesn't wise up, at least you'll be in fine shape to get someone else. Like you said nagging won't help, and you've already expressed your needs and they aren't being met. - Did a cursory search and this is a common problem with Champix users (victims.) Someone said melatonin and "sleep fix" helped them, as well as natural remedies. Try to get informed and get your BF informed. Help him feel like the blame is not on him for this, be supportive about what will be a recovery from this drug that messed him up. If he knows you aren't blaming him that should help a lot too. Edited April 3, 2013 by ChessPieceFace 1
sabre80 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 The medication could be a huge factor. Most quit smoking oral medications are antidepresents. I took welbutrin for a month KILLED my drive. At 20 years old I went from tugging on my pocket bishop 4+ times a day to waking up without morning wood. Not being able to get an erection can seriously mess with a guy's head. And they can often lash out in the wrong ways. 1
StanMusial Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Maybe sneak some viagra into his Cheerios, perhaps that would cause his wiener to swell with pride. 1
Author stansmam Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 He stopped taking them at the end of Feb. He completely changed whilst on them, but he couldn't see it. None of my friends understood and I lost my closest friends due to it. This doesn't help with me being happy and he says it's cos I'm not happy! I just can't win! These drugs should be banned, they ruin people's lives! Sabre80, did your drive come back? Also, I think you are right, I think it might be an errection problem and he's too embarrassed to say which makes him lash out. Chesspieceface, thanks, I think I may not have been as supportive as I thought. I think I've put too much blame on him. I have been hurt in the past and I'm quick to think it's going the same way, which doesn't do us any favors! It seems from all these responses that I am right when I have assumed it was the champix. Hopefully we are on the road to recovery, it's nice to hear people agree with the champix and not tell me I'm making excuses, started to think I was going mad!
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I think you should break up with him. Regardless of medication (and I am on two wonderful antidepressants that have greatly improved my life and made me more stable), you aren't getting what you want. And you're blaming yourself. You're letting him put the blame on you. He's not helpless. He can control his behavior. And if he can't, why do you want to be with him? Stop doing things for him. Stop buying him things. Stop everything. Just back off and observe his behavior. Or end it completely. I think it's sort of shocking that you'd rather he start smoking again than lose his affection. There are so many men out there. You've only known this one for seven months. Maybe he would have ended up like this anyway. Why not just find someone who treats you better? I assure you that there is nothing magical about this particular guy. You've tried communicating with him, and you're getting clingy and trying to show him why he should treat you well, but the fact of the matter is that he should just treat you well. If he doesn't, lose him. Right now you're only losing yourself.
Author stansmam Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks Treasa, I appreciate your comments and that is what I would be saying to people! However, there's is more to it than him just being an arse over the tablets. Not only has he stopped with sex, they made him physically ill, which was very worrying! He lost interest in absolutely everything, even his dream job he has wanted all of his life he had the opportunity to do and just watched it go by. I hate smoking and hate he's gone back to it, but the champix effects are terrifying! I would rather us try something else. Of course, I have thought about leaving him and am I making excuses etc but what kind of person would I be if I just upped and left when he is clearly poorly? I am at my wits end with him not showing me love and I have spoken to him again and made a bit of a break through. He opened up to me and is desperate not to lose me. Yes, he does need to prove it and I can spend the rest of my life like this but the potential of good far outweighs the bad. Thank you for all of your responses, it's good to get impartial opinions.
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks Treasa, I appreciate your comments and that is what I would be saying to people! However, there's is more to it than him just being an arse over the tablets. Not only has he stopped with sex, they made him physically ill, which was very worrying! He lost interest in absolutely everything, even his dream job he has wanted all of his life he had the opportunity to do and just watched it go by. I hate smoking and hate he's gone back to it, but the champix effects are terrifying! I would rather us try something else. Of course, I have thought about leaving him and am I making excuses etc but what kind of person would I be if I just upped and left when he is clearly poorly? I am at my wits end with him not showing me love and I have spoken to him again and made a bit of a break through. He opened up to me and is desperate not to lose me. Yes, he does need to prove it and I can spend the rest of my life like this but the potential of good far outweighs the bad. Thank you for all of your responses, it's good to get impartial opinions. Someone who puts herself and her own needs first, as well you should.
FitChick Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Tell him or show him that there are other ways of having sex without using a penis. If he can't be bothered, then it looks like you have a new brother.
pbjbear Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 This thread is insanely entertaining. Pocket bishop? Viagra in cheerios? Wiener pride? You guys are awesome. OP, is your boyfriend generally good other than this?
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Some people in this thread don't understand how badly some drugs can mess up your mind. And/or they're just man-haters. Guess what - all your feelings, behaviors, likes, wants and everything are all running on brain chemicals. Take something that screws up those chemicals and it screws up a great deal of things that make you you. The guy was awesome, then he wanted to quit smoking (a very good thing !), he got suckered by a drug company and now his brain is out of whack. And you're acting like it's "his fault" that he doesn't care. Hey, let me turn the knobs on your brain chemicals and we'll see how much you care about by the time I'm done. Then I'll blame you for it.
ja123 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Get him Allen Carr's "Easyway to Stop Smoking". It's better than drugs.
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Generally, it's not good to villify what you don't understand. Drug companies care about one thing only: $$$$$$$$$ I've yet to see a brain or mood-altering chemical pumped out by big pharma that doesn't have a big line of people complaining about terrible and often permanent side-effects, or causing outright suicides. Unless you have severe impairment such that you simply cannot function otherwise, you shouldn't even be touching ANY brain drug from big pharma. Generally, it's not good to support and defend what you don't understand.
zanzi Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 god, they hand out the medication, left right and center and only kind of mention a few side effects but they don't even know the long term affects these drugs have on people. The bottom line is, he's changed, your not happy. He probably feels embarrassed about his lack of desire for sex due to the meds he has been on. You can buy him a plane, it still wont make him love you any more or any less. Really its up to you what you do about it. Do you wait for him to revert and be what he was when you met him, or do you leave. I wouldn't make any snap judgments. Whatever happens is meant to.
neveragain34 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 The reason I asked how long you dated before moving in earlier was because I wanted to then ask if it was possible that he really hasn't changed that much, you just didn't know him as well as you thought since you moved in together so quickly? Just something else to think about. I don't know much about the drug or how long you knew him before moving in. 1
tpham18nm Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 " I feel so unattractive and when he says it's cos I moan, I hate myself inside too. I don't know what to do. I'm at the point where I am crying almost every night, I am constantly trying to be nice and get things back to normal and then I get let down. As I just want him to be happy, I have bought him a dog, what he has always wanted and that has actually made things worse. He seems happier and we are getting on better, but he seems to be more in love with the dog!! He constantly tells me that he loves me, but how can someone who loves me make me feel so bad? " Its not that you are ugly, or that you are unattractive. It actually has nothing to do with you, its just him. He is at fault and is choosing to put his anger and frustration towards the only thing/person he can. I did the same thing, and i heard exactly what you are telling him. But in reality, its not the girls fault, its his own fault/frustrations. Dont let others beat you down.
Author stansmam Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Haha, aye, I'd thought of slipping him some viagra! But that's just tight lol. Think I'll work on a more long term solution and it it doesn't work, looks like I shall have to cut my losses and gan :'(
Author stansmam Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Haha, aye, I'd thought of slipping him some viagra! But that's just tight lol. I really wouldn't do that! Think I'll work on a more long term solution and it it doesn't work, looks like I shall have to cut my losses and gan :'( I knew him for a year before we started dating so I knew what he was like beforehand and I can safely say that it is this drug. I have found it so frustrating that this drug has completely messed up his mind, I would hate to be in his position! But nobody seems to understand and they think he's some kind of monster! Don't get me wrong, if he hit me or anything like that , I'd be off, but this is just him being very down. Its so good to talk to people who understand! I feel very guilty like too, cos he stopped smoking for me, so i feel that it's my fault but he reassures me that it isn't. This drug needs banning!!
sabre80 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thing is meds DO mess with peoples chemical balance. That is why there are so many anti-depressents. You are supposed to go to your doctor if any side effects pop up. He/she then switches your meds up a bit. Personally I stay away from the crap as best I can. OP get your man an E-cig. I smoked for over 10 years. Heavily. I tried patch, gum, and even the oral medications. The E-Cig is what helped me quit. It turns out I was not as chemically addicted to cigarettes as I had a hyperactive oral fixation. 1
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