Should i break nc or just let her go?

[the_game406]

Well I'm new to this forum so please bear with me. Apologies in advance for the long post, but need to get this out in full. I've been on this site before and have read a lot of the different stories from different posters and was hoping for some advice from people on here about my situation.

 

When i was in college, i met a girl and we quickly became good friends and over time we kind of became inseparable and i ended up falling in love with her. I guess you could say she was my first true love. She had feelings for me but was with another guy and think that all she wanted was a friend in me and nothing more, maybe if the circumstances had been different, then we would have hooked up then. I made a lot of mistakes back then and never took certain chances but she knew how i felt about her. I was definitely in the friend zone back then but if i had been a bit more smarter in seeing in certain signs i could have steered away from that zone, but I was young and didn't know what i was doing. There were very strong feelings coming from both me and her though, and I knew there was a connection even back then.

 

Fast forward to 12 years later and I happen to be driving down the street and someone is flagging me down behind me and flashing their lights and I stop and its her. Running over, giving me a big hug and a quick catchup. I took her number and asked her out for a drink and she said yes and we met up that same night for a drink which happened to be christmas eve. It was good, a nice catchup and we hung out and there was a bit of touching and cuddling.

 

She told me that she had been married twice and had a six year old son and that she was single and that the last marriage had been a abusive one, with the husband lashing out and beating her and apparently she had been raped by him too. She told me all this ( apart from the rape which she told me later ) and I listened carefully and I filled her in about my past ( a broken engagement ) and other stuff.

 

After meeting up a couple of more times after that night, we decided to start dating and see how it goes. The funny thing about that was that she was hell bent on marriage and looking back now, i should have stopped the idea of marriage there and then, but i didnt, i just went along, because i thought we could actually make something of this. I mean we're both grown up and we both knew we were getting into and knew what we wanted and what the end goal was and that was my reasoning behind it.

 

The only issue was my family, who didnt approve of her because of the way she was and how she acted ( very rough around the edges - smoking, drinking, doing drugs, dressing provocatively, night clubbing all the time). My brother especially didnt like her, but his reason was a very thought provoking one. His was that you were never good enough for her when you guys were young, so why are you good enough for her now, after all the other fellas in her life, now you seem to be a good catch for her and she doesn't want to let you go. Why else would she be talking about marriage right off the bat?

 

Thats all she talked about was marriage and how it would go and we should take time to get to know each other and take everything slow which i was cool with and didnt mind at all. I mean at the start of everything it was great and we were being sweet and loving to one another and i was really happy and i know she was too. But she would get so defensive and fly off into rages and call me names under the sun, if we had a argument and she would always make me out to the bad guy for everything and after awhile, the sweetness had all but disappeared and all i was left with was me thinking i had done something wrong or treated her badly when all i would do was try and show her my love because of her past relationships and try and make things right.

 

It was all messed up and i should have seen the red flags from the get go but i was blinded because even in the last 12 years, she has crossed my mind on more occasions than i'd like to admit and i guess i just kinda buried those feelings for her and then hey all of a sudden she's back in my life and we're together and we're talking about spending our lives together.

 

One of the major red flags was ( and I know i'm going to get a lashing for this) was her asking to borrow money for various reasons. £100 for a tyre replacement, and she was going out for her girlfriends bday the following night? £100 for her sons bday party because she couldnt raise all of it and she went out the same night i lent her the money after i had taken her out to a restaurant on the same night. £20 for her nails and then an additional £30 for fuel and fags because she didnt have any cash till payday.

 

The last one, i actually drove over to her friends house to give her the money and instead of her coming out, her friend comes out and asks me ' are you x's friend?' This obviously made me really angry because this was supposed to be her best friend and she didnt even know about me or who i was and that i was her boyfriend. Anyway her friend say shes throwing up because she'd had too much too drink and she cant come out to meet me to collect the cash. so i gave it to her friend and text her to come out to meet me and she came out with her friends and their kids and then texts me and says shes sorry but they're gonna go and get some food.

 

Prior to this, she was trying to guilt trip me into buying her a new phone as the one she had at the moment was constantly playing up and had been since i met her again. She called me a 'whack' boyfriend for not offering to buy her a new phone and said she felt as if she wasn't even in a relationship and just felt single.

 

A couple of weeks before this, i offered to buy her an engagement ring to which she postiviely responded to but later on she text me and said she would much rather have a designer handbag than a ring as she would want the ring in eight months time ( my old man, had said, that if you're serious about this girl then be with her for eight months or so and if you guys are still together and want to get married, then we'll do it and i'll pay for your guys wedding, i didnt really want him to pay but the fact that he was coming round to the idea, when initially he disapproved of her was quite positive) She thought i was going to give her my ex fiances ring and wanted a handbag instead. I even told her we'd go buy one together so she could see the ring and pick it herself but no, she wanted the handbag and tried to put me down and say i was overeacting because i didnt want to really buy her the bag.

 

She couldnt get no credit or finance because apparently her ex had taken cards out on her name and ran them dry and ultimately black listed her so she couldnt get the car she wanted on finance either which was a merc. She asked me to get her this and she would make the payments, even go to the solicitors and draw up some papers so it would state that she would have to make the payments. I agreed to it but it never happened because the relationship is over.

 

As far as the physical aspects of things go, there was none, i kissed her a handful of times and mostly we cuddled and stuff and when i would try and do something she would always say, she needed more time because of all the things she's been through and it would all happen naturally and i respected that and didnt push it, becuase i didnt want her feeling as if i just wanted to sleep with her, i wanted her to know that i loved her and would try and be there for her always.

 

To be honest i think she was cheating on me with someonelse for the last month or so of the relationship (if you can call it that) becuase every sat we would meet up for a date, go for drinks, or for a meal or just make time for each other and the last month she just kept cancelling and making up one excuse after another and the only time i would see her would be on a weekday maybe for 45 mins or so, but we'd text everyday. Everytime i called her she would never pick up, and no ones that damn busy and she'd cancel our week dates all the time , last minute. I dont knwo if she was cheating on me or not but i know i was being used and this is from someone who said they loved me and wanted to spend their live with me and i know she meant the last bit, but as far as loving me, i dont know.

 

She was playing me from the start and i let her but i still love her and miss her and we broke up about 14 days ago and i havent contacted her since and she hasn't me. we broke up because i sent her a text message asking why her friend didnt know about us and why she thought i was her friend and that maybe she too saw us like that and why she wasn't willing to make time for us anymore on the weekends and everytime i needed her, she was never there, but everytime she needed me, id be there to help her out. I told her i loved her but she had to make more of an effort and if she wanted us to be friends then just be honest and tell me straight. and told her no -ones that busy that they cant take a few hours out on their weekends off to come and meet their boyfriend, especially if you were doing it before.

 

she flew off the handle and called me all kinds of names and told me to eff off and that i was a shallow and selfish, negative person who deserves all the pain that ive put her through and she hates me and wishes she had never met me and that i should buy some next girl, the phone, the nails and the handbag. Also that i was a t**t and she'd always remember me as one and that her mum was right about me (her mum thought i just wanted to sleep with her). all that becuase i wanted to meet up with her more and wanted to know how she felt.

 

At this point i got really mad and said some things to her that i regret but i was angry so i said them. I told her she was a bitter, nasty person whos pissed off with the cards shes been dealt ( i really regret saying that) and that i loved her but i know she never loved me and i was just a backup plan to her. I told her, im done with all of this and that i'm going to throw away the sim card ( I had a separate phone line for her) and that i never wanted to speak to her ever again. I told her she was right i was a t**t but its because i defended her against my family and pushed to marry her against all their wishes that i shouldve listened to them and my friends when they were telling me but i didnt listen becuase i loved you and wanted to believe you wouldnt just throw it all away over a few questions. I also told her she had just messed up the best thing she would ever have becuase my feelings for her were real and i wouldve done it all for her, but its her loss. After i sent that text, i removed the sim from the phone and snapped it in two and threw it in the bin ( I was real angry and i guess i wasnt thinking straight or maybe i was, i dont know).

 

Since then we havent been in contact, i know she wpould have sent me a reply to the last text i sent and when she didnt get a response, probably sent a few more and then probably try and ring the phone, but it goes straight to the messaging service, doesnt even ring. I know she sat there and thought he actually did it and just cut me off clean. Its hard and still is because i miss her and still love her and just want to talk to her again and meet up with her and maybe try and sort things out. My mind is saying no, leave it, she'll only give you more abuse and is probably already shacked up with some other guy, but my heart wants to reach out to her and tell her i didnt mean those last words and if she doesnt want me then fair enough, but i hope she's ok and that i still would like to see her again. I dont know, shes got my email, and she'd usually use that if she couldnt get in touch with me but its been 14 days and nothing. Im thinking about breaking nc and telling her everything and telling her how i feel and put an invitiation out there and see if she wants to meet. If i dont get anything, at least i'll know but its hard becuase i just keep thinking about her and miss her, just want to hold her again and try and fix things but a part of me is saying just leave it. i dont know what i should do right now.

 

I'm sorry for the long post, i really am, but needed to lay out in full, so people can get the whole picture, like i say i've had feelings for this girl since i was a kid, so its hard for me to switch off but any thoughts or advice would so greatly be appreciated because im tired of feeling like this and i pray to god to bring her back one day, and the next i pray just help me let her go. Everyone keeps saying i was in an abusive relationship and it was toxic and she was manipulating you and she couldve been lying about a lot of the things she said, just to keep you where you were. i dont know, i just dont

[TheFriend]

One thing ran through my mind while reading this post. The word narcissist. She sounds like a truly selfish narcissist. She has soo many traits it is not even funny. She could also suffer from borderline personality disorder. I am not a professional, but after my break up i was soooo Effed up and depressed i had to check in to a mental health out patient AA type of group. I have learned a lot about toxic relationships, and a lot of what you just posted is text book. I know you cannot just turn your feelings off, these relationships are much more difficult to get out of as well mentally. I am just like you with the not being able to fully let to even though I know my ex is a selfish, greedy, awful person.

 

You have dodged a huge bullet. I have been told that and am finally seeing it. And my friend i promise you this is a blessing in disguise.

 

I know it hurts to hear negative things about someone you love, but trust me it would take years and years of therapy for her to have a normal functioning relationship again(if ever) and it is not your job to fix her( as much as I know the feeling)

 

Be kind to yourself, don't blame yourself, and be patient with your emotions. You will let go slowly and piece by piece everyday. You will also eventually be sooo great full you are free from this abuse.

 

Stay strong,

 

Thefriend

[the_game406]

thank you for the reply Thefriend. Its quite comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's been in such a situation and it's good to hear from someone who understands. I didnt think she was narcissistic but now you've mentioned it and i've looked up the definition of it properly, she matches all the traits listed and i cant believe i couldnt see it, but the truth is had it been presented to me, i probably wouldnt want to believe it.

 

Its really bad atm as i miss her a lot and really want to reach out to her, if only to apologise for the last things i said to her, but i dont know whether thats the right move as i dont want her last memory of me being the guy who said all those things to her and for her to think i was like all the rest of the men in her life.

 

I'm just trying to slog through this day by day and dont know whether she misses me or even cares about what has happened, whether she is with another guy, what she's doing, you know, the usual stuff and its painful.

 

I'm going out for my brothers stag do this weekend and i have a bad feeling that i will run into her, and i dont know how it will go down, if i do. If i do see her, should i just ignore her completely as i have a feeling, thats what she would do, or should i try and talk things out and see if she is open to the idea? or maybe just be polite, smile or something?

 

any advice would be greatly appreciated