I don't expect tears but...

[singme2sleep]

Many people have said that dumpers can be very cold after a breakup, and that it's usually because they emotionally checked out of the relationship some time before actually breaking up. But what happens when that's not the case? How can a dumper say a week before the BU "I love you" etc and then PBU act like they don't even miss you?

 

I have been NC with my ex for 2 months now. I deactivated my Facebook because I knew I would be hurt by seeing what he was up to a lot. But my friend was still Facebook friends with him, even though I asked her a few times to delete him. Anyway I didn't inquire but today she decides to tell me that weeks ago before she finally deleted him, he was adding many friends and going out often. In her words "he didn't seem sad at all" and even though he dumped me, I'm really bothered by this. The thought that I miss him so much I'm sick over it, and he's just merrily going on with his life is beyond upsetting.

 

I don't expect him to walk around crying, but don't act like I meant nothing to you!! WTH

 

Anyone else in a 'similar pair' of my so called shoes?!!??

Edited April 2, 2013 by singme2sleep

[na49]

I'm pretty sure all of our exes told us they loved us even the day before they broke up with us. Mine did. We were hooking up about to go out for dinner until I went home sick. Before I drove home, we gave each other a kiss and said we loved each other. She seemed so concerned about me, told me to lay in bed and just relax so I could get better and we could go out to eat later in the week like I'd promised her. Little did she know, she'd made me even more sick by telling me about this new guy she met who "just gets her". but very quickly sweeping that under the rug and focusing on us again.

 

Not even 24 hours later, her attitude towards me, her profile picture and relationship status on facebook change. and my life hasn't been the same since.

 

Anyway you answered your own question kind of. Sure they tell us they love us, but they don't really mean it by the end. I have no idea why they tell us they love us when they don't mean it, but they may not be ready to cut us off yet. I'd imagine it is a difficult thing to break up with someone, so they wait until they're ready rather than try to fix the problems, they say "I'm out!". We're powerless in this situation of course.

 

As for your ex. I've seen a lot of posts by you but actually don't really know your story. If he didn't leave you for anyone else, he's doing what he finds necessary to move on. and what he finds necessary to move on is to get out of the house and meet new people. I know you want him to feel hurt, and you actually don't know he isn't. If you ask anyone I know besides the one or two people I've told, everyone would think I'm over my ex and have forgotten her. Is this true? Not even close! It sucks to see them living their lives without us, but it's actually their right. They aren't doing anything wrong by trying to move on from their relationship with you. As much as we want it to work with them, they don't feel the same way.

[Coping Vortex]

Many people have said that dumpers can be very cold after a breakup, and that it's usually because they emotionally checked out of the relationship some time before actually breaking up. But what happens when that's not the case? How can a dumper say a week before the BU "I love you" etc and then PBU act like they don't even miss you?

 

I have been NC with my ex for 2 months now. I deactivated my Facebook because I knew I would be hurt by seeing what he was up to a lot. But my friend was still Facebook friends with him, even though I asked her a few times to delete him. Anyway I didn't inquire but today she decides to tell me that weeks ago before she finally deleted him, he was adding many friends and going out often. In her words "he didn't seem sad at all" and even though he dumped me, I'm really bothered by this. The thought that I miss him so much I'm sick over it, and he's just merrily going on with his life is beyond upsetting.

 

I don't expect him to walk around crying, but don't act like I meant nothing to you!! WTH

 

Anyone else in a 'similar pair' of my so called shoes?!!??

 

Mine told me. I'm not love with you anymore I'm in love with the memory of you. Then weeks later told me she was still IN love with me.

 

I'm not sure what's worse.

[Lillygoose]

I'm pretty sure all of our exes told us they loved us even the day before they broke up with us. Mine did. We were hooking up about to go out for dinner until I went home sick. Before I drove home, we gave each other a kiss and said we loved each other. She seemed so concerned about me, told me to lay in bed and just relax so I could get better and we could go out to eat later in the week like I'd promised her. Little did she know, she'd made me even more sick by telling me about this new guy she met who "just gets her". but very quickly sweeping that under the rug and focusing on us again.

 

Not even 24 hours later, her attitude towards me, her profile picture and relationship status on facebook change. and my life hasn't been the same since.

 

Anyway you answered your own question kind of. Sure they tell us they love us, but they don't really mean it by the end. I have no idea why they tell us they love us when they don't mean it, but they may not be ready to cut us off yet. I'd imagine it is a difficult thing to break up with someone, so they wait until they're ready rather than try to fix the problems, they say "I'm out!". We're powerless in this situation of course.

 

As for your ex. I've seen a lot of posts by you but actually don't really know your story. If he didn't leave you for anyone else, he's doing what he finds necessary to move on. and what he finds necessary to move on is to get out of the house and meet new people. I know you want him to feel hurt, and you actually don't know he isn't. If you ask anyone I know besides the one or two people I've told, everyone would think I'm over my ex and have forgotten her. Is this true? Not even close! It sucks to see them living their lives without us, but it's actually their right. They aren't doing anything wrong by trying to move on from their relationship with you. As much as we want it to work with them, they don't feel the same way.

 

 

 

Exactly the same with me, Told me he loved me on the morning we broke up kissing and cuddling and we had sex.

 

8 hours later came the I love you but Im not in love with you its over.

 

 

He was so cold, and just a different person all together.

[AKisBaked]

I don't understand either how someone you spend so much time with and put so much into the relationship and just weeks before a BU they just say that they love you and they will always love you but when the BU occurs, they are just completely different, showing no emotion or even feeling bad that what they have done to you..

 

They just move on so quickly from you like as if you never even existed and that pisses me off... My ex did this to me 2 weeks after we broke up when we were in a 3 year relationship...

 

Just goes to show that people will deceive you even if you think that you can trust them...

 

After this I just dont trust anyone anymore..

[destroyed4sho]

my ex said a couple weeks ago she STILL loves me and this is 8 months POST BU...so how do you make sense of that??

When she BU with me she said she doesnt care about me, doesnt want me and to leave her alone.

Then weeks later she says she misses me and still loves me....how do you make sense of that?

Dont ever listen to words they dont mean a thing, people LIE to you.and to.themselves.. and people define 'i love you' differently than what you think it means.

Always judge by actions.

 

My ex used to say I love you to her exes and friends....it was her way of saying 'hello' to people.

[destroyed4sho]

I don't understand either how someone you spend so much time with and put so much into the relationship and just weeks before a BU they just say that they love you and they will always love you but when the BU occurs, they are just completely different, showing no emotion or even feeling bad that what they have done to you..

 

They just move on so quickly from you like as if you never even existed and that pisses me off... My ex did this to me 2 weeks after we broke up when we were in a 3 year relationship...

 

Just goes to show that people will deceive you even if you think that you can trust them...

 

After this I just dont trust anyone anymore..

 

They have checked out already, arent ready to.face the reality of the situation so.they keep playing the role they have been playing for so long bc they.themselves are in denial. Then something triggers them to face reality (most often meeting someone else they are.interested in) then whamo, they make the 360 and they are different , cold, cruel etc...they themselves need to move past this and heal so they have to be true to.themselves and to you. They have to cut you off.to move on with their.lives. They have changed because they are past the denial stage and now true to.their feelings.

After this, they look forward to their new life,start new relationship, party more, meet new friends..etc. Its also their way of.coping with any residual feelings thy may have for you but really its the new start they are excited about. :-(

[destroyed4sho]

 

I don't expect him to walk around crying, but don't act like I meant nothing to you!! WTH

 

 

Its not that you meant nothing to him. Im.sure.he has fond.memories of the good times you shared.

I really believe that.the moment someone breaks up with is the.very moment you become part of their past.

And when you beg, plead, grovel,contact (like i did), they just see it as someone that needs to be shoved back in that 'past' category...like asap. They KNOW how they changed and the PAIN your going through.and they dont want the unpleasant reminder of how they hurt you. Even if they initially say they want to be friends out of guilt, they really have no intention on maintaining a real friendship.

[blindhope]

No matter who you are there will be emotions during a break up of a LTR. Even people in bad and abusive relationships have proven that. Some people are just better at hiding that. And that could be the dumper, especially when they blindside the significant other.

I say that because usually they have been so good at covering up their emotions and not communicating what wrong which is why it ends.

 

In my case she bottled everything up. All her problems from work, and stress than took it out on me cause I didn't notice. No one did. She was so well at hiding it, and now she ran to someone else because she can't handle being alone, she needs always needs her emotional crutch.

 

Poor kid doesn't know what he got into.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have this theory.....

 

I dont want to sound like a crotchety old guy, because I am far from it:laugh:. but in my 20's(which was only 20 years ago:p) home computers didnt exist , only the FBI had cellphones, and NOsocial media.

 

I am beginning to think that people who lack maturity(there are tons of those in ALL AGES) are in a constant state of GIGS because of social media. It can start with something as simple as someone of the opposite sex "likes" your status and the next thing you know, POOF.. Call me nuts, but I think its real...Id almost say that at this point a woman with a FB obsession is just about a dealbreaker for me. BTW, there is a difference between people who use FB for the occasional laugh or connect with some distant relatives and those who post 50X a day to tell us there is a sale on bananas or they just farted.

 

As for your ex, eff him..His loss.. Sorry for the threadjack, I am rooting for you, Singmetosleep. I can tell you are loyal and trustworthy. You will find the most awesome(mature) guy who would kill for that quality in a woman..TRUST ME!!

 

Hang in there,

 

TFOY

Edited April 3, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[destroyed4sho]

I have this theory.....

 

I dont want to sound like a crotchety old guy, because I am far from it:laugh:. but in my 20's(which was only 20 years ago:p) home computers didnt exist , only the FBI had cellphones, and NOsocial media.

 

I am beginning to think that people who lack maturity(there are tons of those in ALL AGES) are in a constant state of GIGS because of social media. It can start with something as simple as someone of the opposite sex "likes" your status and the next thing you know, POOF.. Call me nuts, but I think its real...Id almost say that at this point a woman with a FB obsession is just about a dealbreaker for me. BTW, there is a difference between people who use FB for the occasional laugh or connect with some distant relatives and those who post 50X a day to tell us there is a sale on bananas or they just farted.

 

As for your ex, eff him..His loss.. Sorry for the threadjack, I am rooting for you, Singmetosleep. I can tell you are loyal and trustworthy. You will find the most awesome(mature) guy who would kill for that quality in a woman..TRUST ME!!

 

Hang in there,

 

TFOY

 

Yes! If you arent in High School or college or promoting something...no real.need to be.on fb constantly. My ex was always posting.****.like.fb.and she was in.her 30s...

ugh...never again.

[OwlSoul]

How can a dumper say a week before the BU "I love you" etc and then PBU act like they don't even miss you?

The dumpers spend some time thinking and balancing, since they're not sure what they are feeling (usually it's the friend-love, not romantic-love). Whereas dumpees feel this, try to change their minds and always lose the battle, since they try to be nicer, more demanding, change their behaviour and etc. A lot of dumpers say that the dumpee is not the same person they knew before.

 

he was adding many friends and going out often.

He is probably seeking for the same emotions he had with you in the very beginning by trying to meet people. There is a big probability of him being rejected, if he is feeling desperate for finding a new love.

 

Dumpers start new relationship to feel the crazyness of the love, whereas dumpees start ones to boost their self-esteem and find comfort.

 

I don't expect him to walk around crying, but don't act like I meant nothing to you!! WTH

Dumpers leave relationships because they feel bad and guilty. It is a relief for him.

 

As for people saying that exes were acting the same and suddenly have changed the behaviour, I am sure, we all have seen the changes in the behaviour and the signals. Words mean nothing, but the actions do.

[singme2sleep]

 

He is probably seeking for the same emotions he had with you in the very beginning by trying to meet people. There is a big probability of him being rejected, if he is feeling desperate for finding a new love.

 

Dumpers start new relationship to feel the crazyness of the love, whereas dumpees start ones to boost their self-esteem and find comfort.

 

Dumpers leave relationships because they feel bad and guilty. It is a relief for him.

 

Well as far as I know, he isn't looking for a new love. I was great to him, the spilt supposedly wasn't about me...claimed he needed to be alone to fix his "screwed up life".

 

Idk if my friend is right or not but if he is fine, that hurts.

 

I can't help the way I feel.

[OwlSoul]

Well, if he says so and you trust him, then it is true. At least he believes in it.

Also, I do not think dumpees should feel bad as well because the dumper is doing alright. I mean... it's just some kind of jealousy you're experiencing, that he's happy without you. Jealousy is something to deal with desire, rather than love. When you desire someone, you want to own the person.

 

Whereas love makes you kind of blind, you do not see whether the other person is having fun more or less than usual and etc.

[Pisces13]

S2S, he may actually feel sad, you never know. In fact I'm sure he does, at least a little bit. He is probably using the partying, new friends etc. to help mask his feelings/emotions.

 

I kind of did the same thing after I broke up with my first girlfriend. She probably thought the same as you, but I was sad at times and I did think about her quite a bit. I didn't end up going back to her, although that was more to do with the way she treated me during our time together.

[misswillow]

Many people have said that dumpers can be very cold after a breakup, and that it's usually because they emotionally checked out of the relationship some time before actually breaking up. But what happens when that's not the case? How can a dumper say a week before the BU "I love you" etc and then PBU act like they don't even miss you?

 

I have been NC with my ex for 2 months now. I deactivated my Facebook because I knew I would be hurt by seeing what he was up to a lot. But my friend was still Facebook friends with him, even though I asked her a few times to delete him. Anyway I didn't inquire but today she decides to tell me that weeks ago before she finally deleted him, he was adding many friends and going out often. In her words "he didn't seem sad at all" and even though he dumped me, I'm really bothered by this. The thought that I miss him so much I'm sick over it, and he's just merrily going on with his life is beyond upsetting.

 

I don't expect him to walk around crying, but don't act like I meant nothing to you!! WTH

 

Anyone else in a 'similar pair' of my so called shoes?!!??

 

Well, what I can tell you from what I've learned from my ex when we previously broke up and he came back, is that he puts up a cold and distant front because he says that is what he has to do to get through it because it hurts him too. And he goes out and and spends time with friends to try to distract himself, but he said it didn't stop him from hurting or missing me. And, as you know, the last time I talked to him after this breakup, he was incredibly upset, but not enough to get back together. So dumpers may hurt, a lot, but it doesn't mean they're coming back. And I'm sure my ex is probably still going out doing stuff now, but I have also deactivated Facebook b/c I can't deal with knowing anything about him in any way, shape or form (but I also can't deal with deleting him and our pictures either).

 

Also, I would ask your friend again to unfriend him, and not tell you anything! I don't know if she thought she was helping you by telling you that, to help you move on, but I know how hurtful that must have been to hear. But just because he is putting on a happy face on FB doesn't mean that he is really happy. I feel like 95% of everything on FB is just a bunch of crap anyway. I probably won't ever reactivate my account b/c I don't need to read everyone's BS about how "blessed" their lives are.

[singme2sleep]

Well, what I can tell you from what I've learned from my ex when we previously broke up and he came back, is that he puts up a cold and distant front because he says that is what he has to do to get through it because it hurts him too. And he goes out and and spends time with friends to try to distract himself, but he said it didn't stop him from hurting or missing me. And, as you know, the last time I talked to him after this breakup, he was incredibly upset, but not enough to get back together. So dumpers may hurt, a lot, but it doesn't mean they're coming back. And I'm sure my ex is probably still going out doing stuff now, but I have also deactivated Facebook b/c I can't deal with knowing anything about him in any way, shape or form (but I also can't deal with deleting him and our pictures either).

 

Also, I would ask your friend again to unfriend him, and not tell you anything! I don't know if she thought she was helping you by telling you that, to help you move on, but I know how hurtful that must have been to hear. But just because he is putting on a happy face on FB doesn't mean that he is really happy. I feel like 95% of everything on FB is just a bunch of crap anyway. I probably won't ever reactivate my account b/c I don't need to read everyone's BS about how "blessed" their lives are.

 

I agree! And I know that men deal with it in a different way, but having my friend see and say that to me is embarrassing. Almost like he's making me look foolish but perhaps that's just in my head.

 

Idk what to think anymore. Some days I'm feel like I'm doing fine and other days I'm a mess. His bday was hard for me and then to hear that from my friend just screwed with my head. In my heart I know he has to be hurting on some level but it bothers me that he's acting so normal on Facebook in front of of family/friends.

 

Does this make sense?!

[misswillow]

I agree! And I know that men deal with it in a different way, but having my friend see and say that to me is embarrassing. Almost like he's making me look foolish but perhaps that's just in my head.

 

Idk what to think anymore. Some days I'm feel like I'm doing fine and other days I'm a mess. His bday was hard for me and then to hear that from my friend just screwed with my head. In my heart I know he has to be hurting on some level but it bothers me that he's acting so normal on Facebook in front of of family/friends.

 

Does this make sense?!

 

Oh, of course it makes sense. That's why it's always best to just not know any of that stuff. It's impossible not to feel bad about it. I can't imagine how I would feel if I heard that my ex was out having fun (which I'm sure he probably is). I have no capability to do that now, even if I tried to fake it, so it would be upsetting to know that he feels ok enough to be out and about. But I also know that's one way he and I are so different. I'm not much of a faker....if I'm down, probably everyone can read it on my face and through my actions. My ex on the other hand is a huge faker...to most of the world he seems like the most happy-go-lucky guy there is, but only I saw the real side of him which often was far from happy. So the point I'm trying to make is that some people can really put on a mask, and you often have no idea what is going on inside.

 

Did you end up sending him a card?

[RiceaRoni]

Oh, of course it makes sense. That's why it's always best to just not know any of that stuff. It's impossible not to feel bad about it. I can't imagine how I would feel if I heard that my ex was out having fun (which I'm sure he probably is). I have no capability to do that now, even if I tried to fake it, so it would be upsetting to know that he feels ok enough to be out and about. But I also know that's one way he and I are so different. I'm not much of a faker....if I'm down, probably everyone can read it on my face and through my actions. My ex on the other hand is a huge faker...to most of the world he seems like the most happy-go-lucky guy there is, but only I saw the real side of him which often was far from happy. So the point I'm trying to make is that some people can really put on a mask, and you often have no idea what is going on inside.

 

Did you end up sending him a card?

 

 

my ex is def the same, although sometimes it's hard to read his face because he naturally has that serious look sometimes or that look that something's wrong...

 

So I agree with the whole people can wear masks to hide how they truly are feeling..

[nonotok]

What if the dumper (a guy) is hysterically crying during the break up even with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" reason. Guilt? Confusion?

[singme2sleep]

miswillow-

 

Yes, I sent it. Kept it very simple, put "happy easter" under the already printed "happy birthday" then just signed my name and a drew a little smiley face next to it. Also on the inside, instead of putting his first name, I wrote Mr ***** which is how I frequently referred to him in texts. Not sure if that will hit a chord with him or not.

 

He didn't send me any kind of reply, but I wasn't expecting one. Overall I'm glad I sent it and have no regrets.

 

How are you doing?

[AKisBaked]

They have checked out already, arent ready to.face the reality of the situation so.they keep playing the role they have been playing for so long bc they.themselves are in denial. Then something triggers them to face reality (most often meeting someone else they are.interested in) then whamo, they make the 360 and they are different , cold, cruel etc...they themselves need to move past this and heal so they have to be true to.themselves and to you. They have to cut you off.to move on with their.lives. They have changed because they are past the denial stage and now true to.their feelings.

After this, they look forward to their new life,start new relationship, party more, meet new friends..etc. Its also their way of.coping with any residual feelings thy may have for you but really its the new start they are excited about. :-(

 

sadly what you said is true... once they emotionally check out their gone. And when something new happens they face reality again. So pretty much they are just putting on an ACT for you until they feel that when they are able to face reality or something good happens in their lives they will just move onto the better things because they've already past the denial,emotional and self pitty stage. Gosh... how I hate people sometimes..... especially women... No offence to women who have read this.

Edited April 4, 2013 by AKisBaked