ali_g Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 So been with this girl for a few months now. She broke up with her bf 3-4 months ago. She was distancing from him, but right before they were breaking up he cheated on her. He always sent her messages but she never replied. They didn't talk for a while and he started self-destructing, drinking, etc. Their common friend talked to her and asked her to please talk to him to stop him from self destructing. So she did a few weeks ago (told me). Pretty much told him what's done is done and to look forward. I was OK with this, I even felt bad for the guy and I honestly don't believe there can be love out of pity and him acting like a wuss and crying every day for her... But I might be wrong.... And on the other hand this guy gave her pretty intense emotions due to the cheating and stuff. Yesterday she facebook chatted with him again (told me). Idk what to do here. 1. Ultimatum? Either cut all contacts or we're done. 2. Nice ultiatum... i.e. try to ask her what's the reason she's still in contact and try to make her think about how she would feel if I was talking to my ex. 3. Go do my own thing and not think too much of the R we're in.... 4. Give her a taste of her own medicine and talk to my ex. She gets really bothered whenever I mention my ex. I really care about this girl and she DOES show that she cares about me too when we're together. Cooks for me, wants to see me often, very touchy affectionate, etc.
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If she is yours, she is...... No need to make a big deal out of this! Just wait and see!
Author ali_g Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 If she is yours, she is...... No need to make a big deal out of this! Just wait and see! Well honestly I got a bit hurt by this. She hasn't even told him that she has a new bf. And I don't wanna waste my time... or feel like a back up plan...
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) She doesn't want to hurt him more by knowing she has a boyfriend now! He could hurt himself, she used to love him, you don't expext her to ignore him now when he is in a big mess Edited April 2, 2013 by Noproblem 1
Author ali_g Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 She doesn't want to hurt him more by knowing she has a boyfriend now! He could hurt himself, she used to love him, you don't expext her to ignore him now when he is in a big mess He's not in a big mess. He's a ****ing 12 y old child that needs to grow the **** up. Yes and believe me I supported this 100% at the beginning. But now it almost feels like he's using this as an excuse to talk to her. He sends txts to her about how he woke up in the middle of the night breathless thinking about her bla bla bla. And my girl is really sensitive. But my biggest point is that while talking to him she will never get 100% over him. He will still be there. If you keep talking to a person you used to love... what happens? Whenever they talk (she tells me), he starts saying how he's not doing well and is depressed and is drinking and uses that to turn the conversation about how her day was and starts describing her stuff they went through and about the night that he cheated how he really didn't wanna do it and it was meaningless... And then they start arguing and she gets sad.... Sigh. It bothers me like there's no tmrw. And obviously as long as she keeps responding he ll keep doing it.
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Yeah, it's not healthy. But giving her an ultimatum will make you be the bad guy!
CptSaveAho Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 break up time... or you could do nothing, continue being miserable, allowing her to talk to her ex. shes either going to do it with your knowledge or without your knowledge smart plan by the way... jumping into a rebound relationship with a girl thats not over her ex
Author ali_g Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 break up time... or you could do nothing, continue being miserable, allowing her to talk to her ex. shes either going to do it with your knowledge or without your knowledge smart plan by the way... jumping into a rebound relationship with a girl thats not over her ex It was not a rebound relationship. It's a very long story IMO, but we have seen each other on and off (even before she had a bf). Again very long story. I am 100% sure she feels great with me. And she tells me every day that she's thinking about me (although I never ask or need reassurance... quite the opposite I am a pretty open minded guy). IN FACT. She's the one that mostly brings up and gets bothered by my ex, who I don't keep in touch with, but who I must admit WAS a big part of my life before her... Im confused
CptSaveAho Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 blah blah blah blah... everyone says the same thing... its a very long story... this one is special and different... simple fact... shes talking to an ex... therefor not over an ex... rebound relationship if things were 100% perfect, you wouldnt care and wouldnt get upset about her talking to an ex or be posting about it on the dating forum something is off, you just cant man up, be alone and pull the trigger, so you continue to get angry and more angry and lie to yourself as much as she lies to you i dont know about you but if someone says to me they talk to their ex every now and then, i wouldnt date them. no normal sane person would
Standard-Fare Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Don't break up, don't issue an ultimatum, but I think you're within your rights to let her know it bothers you a little. Like, "I have to admit I'm not 100 percent comfortable with your contact with your ex. I'm not sure it's healthy for our relationship." And see how she responds. Biggest risk in that? She will continue the contact but hide it from you. But I don't think you can go on pretending to be completely cool with the contact if you're not. If you bottle this up it might explode later in the wrong way. Try to be reasonable, rational, understanding. 2
dasein Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Vote for ultimatum, but prefer to call it a "boundary.":laugh: Of course he's trying to leverage his way back in, she's enjoying the attention at least and considering getting back with him or cheating at most, and I don't believe for one second that pleas of "their common friend" are the sole cause of them resuming contact. That's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Your GF is a cake-eater, and should know full well that this kind of contact with an immediate recent ex is not OK while supposedly in a new exclusive relationship. If her ex has issues, that's a "somebody else" problem, not a "her" problem. Don't put up with this, give her a chance to do right, then if she does, great, if not, time to go. Go to her and say in a matter of fact, non confrontational way, "This part of our relationship where you are remaining in contact with your immediate ex for whatever reasons is not working for me. For our relationship, and out of respect for my boundaries and wishes, I am asking you to stop all contact with your ex." If she starts rationalizing, whining, turning tables, controlling calling, crying IGNORE IT. Merely reply, "That's my position, I've thought about it, and I feel in the right here. Take some time to think about it." and then go do something else, but whatever you do, don't get angry. If she complies, there may be hope, if not, fuggedaboutit and move on to better options. You don't want a LTR with a cakeeater, and it will cause you misery in the long run. Good luck.
Author ali_g Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Don't break up, don't issue an ultimatum, but I think you're within your rights to let her know it bothers you a little. Like, "I have to admit I'm not 100 percent comfortable with your contact with your ex. I'm not sure it's healthy for our relationship." And see how she responds. Biggest risk in that? She will continue the contact but hide it from you. But I don't think you can go on pretending to be completely cool with the contact if you're not. If you bottle this up it might explode later in the wrong way. Try to be reasonable, rational, understanding. I really like the way you put it. I consider myself a pretty smart reasonable understanding guy. I can see her point of view. Vote for ultimatum, but prefer to call it a "boundary.":laugh: Of course he's trying to leverage his way back in, she's enjoying the attention at least and considering getting back with him or cheating at most, and I don't believe for one second that pleas of "their common friend" are the sole cause of them resuming contact. That's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Your GF is a cake-eater, and should know full well that this kind of contact with an immediate recent ex is not OK while supposedly in a new exclusive relationship. If her ex has issues, that's a "somebody else" problem, not a "her" problem. Don't put up with this, give her a chance to do right, then if she does, great, if not, time to go. Go to her and say in a matter of fact, non confrontational way, "This part of our relationship where you are remaining in contact with your immediate ex for whatever reasons is not working for me. For our relationship, and out of respect for my boundaries and wishes, I am asking you to stop all contact with your ex." If she starts rationalizing, whining, turning tables, controlling calling, crying IGNORE IT. Merely reply, "That's my position, I've thought about it, and I feel in the right here. Take some time to think about it." and then go do something else, but whatever you do, don't get angry. If she complies, there may be hope, if not, fuggedaboutit and move on to better options. You don't want a LTR with a cakeeater, and it will cause you misery in the long run. Good luck. Yea it's a bit dicey, but I honestly believe that besides the attention she feels bad. She's a very very caring person (which is part of the reason I fell for her), so it just seems natural to her to want to help someone in need. I AM 100% SURE, that if I tell her to cut all contacts, she will, no questions asked. But the point is, I feel like this will come from me and not from her and as a such it will be a restriction... And honestly the more things come from me the more controlling I will seem and be. The other thing is that this guy won't give up. He told her he will fly here in a few months (he lives in California). And I've seen him message her every day Good night and good morning for a few weeks without her ever answering. Would it be right for me to ask her to FIX THIS. As in make him stop txting her. Then it's up to her to solve it. Whether it's with good manners, bad manners, changing her phone# or blocking him on facebook, I don't care. Would this be too controlling? EDIT: Also, honest to God, aside from this contact that they have everything else is pretty good. And she really seems to be over it. Edited April 3, 2013 by ali_g
dasein Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 It's not controlling at all. If this were some distant ex that had turned into a friend over time, that would be one thing. It's not though, it's her immediate recent ex. No one I've dated would be fine with similar. Standing up for yourself is not just "you" doing it, but helping her to see that if she really wants a relationship with you and respects you and the relationship, it's time to cut ties entirely with this guy. That's for you, the relationship, and her, not just you. 2
Author ali_g Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I find most guys stay in contact with their exes so I dont think shes doing anything wrong necessarily though I understand why itd make you uncomfortable. Tell her you dont think its good for your relationship. Dont do an ultimatum over this. Hopefully she will stop her behavior. Shes with you- Im sure she could run back to him if she wanted and if she wanted that she'd done it by now That is kind of true. However the other thing is he's a 2-3 hr flight away in Cali, but would it be different if he comes and sees her? IMO nostalgia is a bitch sometimes. And Ok no ultimatum. I'm just thinking how to approach this. 1 way would be to just flat out tell her what she needs to do out of respect of our relationship and to keep what we have healthy. Another (harsher) way would be to tell her that I'm just observing (in an unhappy tone) and to keep in mind that every action has consequences, maybe not at once, but every little thing gets taken into consideration. Another way would be to just analyze with her that if she keeps in touch she will not be able to dedicate herself fully to this. And it'll be a lot easier even for the guy to move on if he doesn't talk to her. (This is what I did before, and she pretty much re-iterated this to him when he was feeling bad and they had their convos.) It's not controlling at all. If this were some distant ex that had turned into a friend over time, that would be one thing. It's not though, it's her immediate recent ex. No one I've dated would be fine with similar. Standing up for yourself is not just "you" doing it, but helping her to see that if she really wants a relationship with you and respects you and the relationship, it's time to cut ties entirely with this guy. That's for you, the relationship, and her, not just you. Yea, I mean the fact that she tells me everything is a good sign I guess. And also I was asking for her to MAKE HIM STOP, which is harder than for her not answering (which would be really easy - I just have to ask her).
dasein Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I find alot of men feel justified in staying in contact with a recent ex. Go to the cheating forums here. When a man posts this the guys freak out and say dump her, when a female does it the men say "youre insecure he wouldnt be with you if he wanted her" Yeah, I don't find that. I don't find that reasonable people do these things in relationships, and certainly don't find any evidence of a supposed gender double standard in this type of issue expressed here on LS. If you are going to go around citing to supposed double standards in thread after thread, fine, but make sure they are real ones.
Badsingularity Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I have learned that men are not reasonable. They tend to be hypocritical and selfish and dont hold themselves to the same standards of behavior that they demand from women. They dont look at things and think "how would this make my girlfriend feel?" Sorry its harsh but its the truth. This is not true. Some people are that way. Including plenty of women.
Author ali_g Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Please keep things on topic!! And I'm a male and believe me I'm very careful with how I make my gf feel and to not stem any insecurities in her because I act a certain way with other female friends..... But maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe stemming insecurity is the way to go to make girls feel that rollercoaster. Sigh.
dasein Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I have learned that men are not reasonable. They tend to be hypocritical and selfish and dont hold themselves to the same standards of behavior that they demand from women. They dont look at things and think "how would this make my girlfriend feel?" Sorry its harsh but its the truth. No, it's not the truth. Make your own thread on your own issues with men, this isn't it, and OP has asked to get on topic. OP, as pertains to rollercoaster, there is some truth there, but it's more about having a vibe of "one foot out the door," not in a mean, manipulative way, but just the realization that you don't need a relationship, it's a desire among many in life, and a relationship should always be subject to an informal cost-benefit. If bad behavior, attitudes, whatever, outweigh what you are getting out of it, or if the relationship is lopsided such that one person seems always giving and the other taking, time to go, and it isn't gender specific. People who have firm stances on this give off a "no nonsense don't mess with me" aura (rollercoaster?) that their SO can pick up on. Not saying at all that this is something you are doing wrong, it sounds like you are doing right by trying to figure out the right thing to do in this situation. It's hard to say "this is the way it's going to be" without feeling like an ass. Hell, you shouldn't have to -say- anything in your situation, considerate SOs don't ever force these kinds of talks, they have common sense enough to show respect. I know your conundrum well personally, have faced it many many times dealing with women over the years, and when forced to make an issue of something like this, have found the best thing for me is to just be matter of fact, without any emotion or anger, and communicate subtextually that "this kind of thing doesn't fly with me and I'll walk out that door in a heartbeat" without being a prick about it. Since I adopted that attitude, surprisingly, I've rarely had to walk out the door, they just know to shape up. Only use it when you know you are in the right though, or it ends up wolf-crying. You are in the right here. 2
2sunny Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'd ask her she would feel if you were spending time and energy on your ex... I'd tell her you don't dig it. Ask her where HER boundary is - ask her when she plans to quit being his crutch. If he has a drinking problem - she can't help him - he needs detox if he can't stop. If he won't take that action to do detox - she can easily say bye bye. 1
2sunny Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Oh you are right. Reasonable people dont do this. I agree 100% I have learned that men are not reasonable. They tend to be hypocritical and selfish and dont hold themselves to the same standards of behavior that they demand from women. They dont look at things and think "how would this make my girlfriend feel?" Sorry its harsh but its the truth. That's not true! Applying such a broad brush stroke to any gender is outrageous. I've known MANY wonderful, moral men - and I'm old!
Author ali_g Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 No, it's not the truth. Make your own thread on your own issues with men, this isn't it, and OP has asked to get on topic. OP, as pertains to rollercoaster, there is some truth there, but it's more about having a vibe of "one foot out the door," not in a mean, manipulative way, but just the realization that you don't need a relationship, it's a desire among many in life, and a relationship should always be subject to an informal cost-benefit. If bad behavior, attitudes, whatever, outweigh what you are getting out of it, or if the relationship is lopsided such that one person seems always giving and the other taking, time to go, and it isn't gender specific. People who have firm stances on this give off a "no nonsense don't mess with me" aura (rollercoaster?) that their SO can pick up on. Not saying at all that this is something you are doing wrong, it sounds like you are doing right by trying to figure out the right thing to do in this situation. It's hard to say "this is the way it's going to be" without feeling like an ass. Hell, you shouldn't have to -say- anything in your situation, considerate SOs don't ever force these kinds of talks, they have common sense enough to show respect. I know your conundrum well personally, have faced it many many times dealing with women over the years, and when forced to make an issue of something like this, have found the best thing for me is to just be matter of fact, without any emotion or anger, and communicate subtextually that "this kind of thing doesn't fly with me and I'll walk out that door in a heartbeat" without being a prick about it. Since I adopted that attitude, surprisingly, I've rarely had to walk out the door, they just know to shape up. Only use it when you know you are in the right though, or it ends up wolf-crying. You are in the right here. I like your point of view a lot. On the other hand I know that I absolutely have this power... I know she cares about me more than about him... but I wish, I so wish that she could just consider this by herself... without my help.
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