Rachelmcandrew Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I was with my boyfriend for about 6 months. We were really happy just dating for a while and as we met online and hadn't discussed being a proper couple, I kept my online dating profile up. He found out about this in private but never mentioned it to me - just quietly pulled away from me until I had no idea what was going on. Eventually, we discussed it and he told me it had hurt his feelings, so I took it down. A couple of weeks later, I got sick at a Xmas party and ended up going back to his house to stay the night. A few days later, he broke up with me in the middle of a fight over this, telling me he was too insecure to be with me, that we had moved from dating to being a couple too fast and that he just 'wasnt feeling it right now'. He then completely stopped speaking to me for about a week, and I texted him to apologise for my behaviour and he admitted that my dating site usage had really upset him. We then stopped all contact again and I started to heal, when he came back and said he missed me loads. We talked regularly for a couple of weeks and then ended up meeting up and getting back together. He told me he was crazy about me, he had never felt this way about any of his previous girlfriends and he wanted to be with me. We were incredibly happy for a while, although I never quite got over the way he just ditched me over Xmas. We had a great 3 months where we spent whole weekends together, made each other breakfast and just generally had an amazing time. Anyway, at the beginning of March he started to make a bit less effort - we'd have tentative time to see each other set aside and then if I tried to confirm with him, he would avoid the topic completely, and once completely stood me up. He could never ever make plans in advance, and he started to freak out about me accidentally leaving things at his place (like when I would sometimes take my hair out of a ponytail and forget the hairband). I also never met even one of his friends, and he kept me compartmentalised from the rest of his life, which really bothered me. One Friday night we had tentative plans for Saturday but at 10pm the night before he still hadn't confirmed the time. I was upset and scared that he was going to cancel, so when he eventually texted me, I ignored it. The next day he asked me where I had been, and I avoided telling him (as I had been at home and was just avoiding his texts). He asked me repeatedly and called me shady and I felt really upset that he didn't trust me, and we had a big blow up argument about his insecurity again, where a lot of my pent-up frustrations about the relationship came out. Afterwards, he started pulling away from me and being really distant, saying he was just really busy at work. We ended up barely speaking, and my anxiety got worse and worse - I asked him repeatedly what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me. Eventually I confronted him about it yesterday and he told me he feels really insecure about me going out, doesn't see a future with me, we're too different and he wants his freedom. I was completely knocked for six because he always, always talked about a future, having kids with me and referred to me as his 'wife' a number of times. He also did such amazingly sweet things for me, sent me flowers, took me out loads and bought me amazing presents, all of which showed how he felt about me - so I'm so shocked that he could just change his mind because of what was basically one argument. I'm so sad and depressed and don't feel like I'll ever be able to move on from this, let alone find somebody else I get on with so well again.
ls32ssibm Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sounds like you two were never on the same page as each other. It's also why getting back together is a horrible idea. I've heard the success rates of relationships that have previously ended are in the low end of the single digits. 1
StanMusial Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sounds like you two were never on the same page as each other. It's also why getting back together is a horrible idea. I've heard the success rates of relationships that have previously ended are in the low end of the single digits. That's exactly what I was going to write.
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Let me guess, he is probably an aries man or aqua!
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sorry that you had such a rollercoaster of a relationship. Sometimes even when we feel deeply for someone, it's just not meant to be. You're incompatible and just can't make things work for any real length of time when you're together. This seems to be one such instance since you've already endured a few breakups with this guy in a fairly short relationship. Sometimes you just have to let it go. I would stop arguing over this breakup. Cease all communication with him. Instead, take some time for yourself and reflect on things--how you might like to handle things and various scenarios differently in future relationships. A key component of healthy dating IMO is learning from past experience. Figure out how you might be a better partner, what you need in a partner, how you might pick more compatible partners, and since we're all imperfect, how you will counteract your shortcomings when they crop up. You know, effective communication is so important in a relationship, and that is one area where you both struggled. Might be worth working on this now that you are single and may have more free time. Learn how to communicate difficult messages effectively, so that it doesn't erupt to the surface all at once. It will be of tremendous benefit in future relationships. Feel better!
ali_g Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I was with my boyfriend for about 6 months. We were really happy just dating for a while and as we met online and hadn't discussed being a proper couple, I kept my online dating profile up. He found out about this in private but never mentioned it to me - just quietly pulled away from me until I had no idea what was going on. Eventually, we discussed it and he told me it had hurt his feelings, so I took it down. A couple of weeks later, I got sick at a Xmas party and ended up going back to his house to stay the night. A few days later, he broke up with me in the middle of a fight over this, telling me he was too insecure to be with me, that we had moved from dating to being a couple too fast and that he just 'wasnt feeling it right now'. He then completely stopped speaking to me for about a week, and I texted him to apologise for my behaviour and he admitted that my dating site usage had really upset him. We then stopped all contact again and I started to heal, when he came back and said he missed me loads. We talked regularly for a couple of weeks and then ended up meeting up and getting back together. He told me he was crazy about me, he had never felt this way about any of his previous girlfriends and he wanted to be with me. We were incredibly happy for a while, although I never quite got over the way he just ditched me over Xmas. We had a great 3 months where we spent whole weekends together, made each other breakfast and just generally had an amazing time. Anyway, at the beginning of March he started to make a bit less effort - we'd have tentative time to see each other set aside and then if I tried to confirm with him, he would avoid the topic completely, and once completely stood me up. He could never ever make plans in advance, and he started to freak out about me accidentally leaving things at his place (like when I would sometimes take my hair out of a ponytail and forget the hairband). I also never met even one of his friends, and he kept me compartmentalised from the rest of his life, which really bothered me. One Friday night we had tentative plans for Saturday but at 10pm the night before he still hadn't confirmed the time. I was upset and scared that he was going to cancel, so when he eventually texted me, I ignored it. The next day he asked me where I had been, and I avoided telling him (as I had been at home and was just avoiding his texts). He asked me repeatedly and called me shady and I felt really upset that he didn't trust me, and we had a big blow up argument about his insecurity again, where a lot of my pent-up frustrations about the relationship came out. Afterwards, he started pulling away from me and being really distant, saying he was just really busy at work. We ended up barely speaking, and my anxiety got worse and worse - I asked him repeatedly what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me. Eventually I confronted him about it yesterday and he told me he feels really insecure about me going out, doesn't see a future with me, we're too different and he wants his freedom. I was completely knocked for six because he always, always talked about a future, having kids with me and referred to me as his 'wife' a number of times. He also did such amazingly sweet things for me, sent me flowers, took me out loads and bought me amazing presents, all of which showed how he felt about me - so I'm so shocked that he could just change his mind because of what was basically one argument. I'm so sad and depressed and don't feel like I'll ever be able to move on from this, let alone find somebody else I get on with so well again. Read this again. Unfortunately that's the power of feelings (drugs). IMO the whole problem was on communication and that you NEVER EVER understood him. Whenever a person pulls away even though feeling lots they want to be chased... they want to be cared about. I am assuming you never chased after him. You were too in your own head about how YOU FELT about all this. You mentioned he did lots of stuff for you... but what did you do for him? My read on this is that he was just insecure about this since he found your dating website up. He seems really reserved so if you want(ed) to be with him you needed to be the more communicative person, to force calm collected constructive talks... but you pretty much did the opposite, taking communication away even more... because of your own insecurities I assume. Finally, yes you were just incompatible at this point in time. Both too afraid to give in fully to the other. Cheers,
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Let me guess, he is probably an aries man or aqua! he's actually a Capricorn!
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Was his profile still up? No, it wasnt... He stopped logging in after our first date, but made another fake profile to see if I logged in to mine... To be honest, me logging in wasn't really any reflection on our relationship - I was really happy, but I quite enjoyed the (often hilarious) messages I would get on the site and had no idea he was watching me log in and taking it so personally. As soon as I found out, I took it down.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Read this again. Unfortunately that's the power of feelings (drugs). IMO the whole problem was on communication and that you NEVER EVER understood him. Whenever a person pulls away even though feeling lots they want to be chased... they want to be cared about. I am assuming you never chased after him. You were too in your own head about how YOU FELT about all this. You mentioned he did lots of stuff for you... but what did you do for him? My read on this is that he was just insecure about this since he found your dating website up. He seems really reserved so if you want(ed) to be with him you needed to be the more communicative person, to force calm collected constructive talks... but you pretty much did the opposite, taking communication away even more... because of your own insecurities I assume. Finally, yes you were just incompatible at this point in time. Both too afraid to give in fully to the other. Cheers, 100% agree. I'm normally a very good communicator and quite open and expressive, but because he used to take it so personally when I tried to talk about things I ended up shutting down and almost becoming like him - holding things in. Nope, I never chased after him as I had no idea how he was feeling - I thought he just didnt like me anymore. At first, I didn't do a lot for him, but more recently I've made him breakfast a number of times, offered to cook for him, bought him an iPod dock, made him a mixtape, bought him random relaxing treatments when he was stressed at work, gave him massages, and so on. But there's still the possibility that he could have felt unappreciated.
Author Rachelmcandrew Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Bump - guys, my ex keeps contacting me with random unnecessary messages. I am NC but they are really beginning to bother me. In this case should I break NC to tell him to stop or wait til he gets the hint?
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