cdanner09 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. We live together. He's 21 and I'm 25. He's in school right now working towards his degree, while I already have my masters and am finishing up my internship as a therapist. So, we're in different parts of our lives right now. It's never really been an issue before...we just moved to a new city together and have always talked about "our" future, picking out our next apartment, long term plans and so on. Last night, he told me that when this semester ends he'll be moving to another city. I asked if he wanted me to come with him and he said no. He told me we have moved way too fast, he feels like he's already married, and that's the last thing on his mind. He wants to "get his own life straight" before he can think about another person that way. He never really got to experience the 'college life' on his own; he moved straight out if his parents house in with me. He wants to keep the relationship going long-distance. I can definitely see where he's coming from. We moved in together after only 4 months, he was only 19. He hasn't been happy ever since we moved to this city. We are strapped for cash (2 students trying to make ends meet on an internship salary), he has no friends here, and school and his job are both very stressful. I understand that he wants to make this change to a city where he knows people, living will be cheaper, and life will be less stressful. I just can't help but feel like he's pushing me away or we're taking a huge step backwards. I realize that it would be extremely selfish of me to ask him to stay in a place he isn't happy, and even worse in a relationship where he is feeling pressured to rush into something he's not ready for. I've told him that he has my support and am giving him his space. I will stay here and he will leave at the end of the semester. We'll keep the relationship going and at the end of my internship talk about where to go from there. I'm feeling kinda lost right now - any thoughts on if this sounds like the beginning of the end? Or does he really just want to cool things down for a while?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 "slow things down" means, "I want to have sex with some one/people who are not you", especially when a guy says it. 2
MidwestUSA Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He is ready to end it. Sorry. Take time now to focus on yourself and your career and enjoy life. Best of luck. 3
curlygirl40 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 It's going to be one of the hardest things you've probably ever had to do, but you need to let him go. If you let him go without argument, and give him the space he needs, he might come back to you in the future once he's figured it out. (if you want that at that time, even) When someone needs their space the worse thing you can do is fill that space with chatter, reminding them that you are still there, reminding them that you want to be with them, reminding them how fabulous you are. Just let him go. Sorry 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) The level of commitment is too overbearing for most 21 year old's, he's got to be out and enjoy his life...the vast majority of men aren't ready to just settle down before they've experienced a shred of life. You seem at least happy or satisfied with the way things are right now and just hope things will get better in the future if they aren't perfect...maybe if he makes more friends or what not. But the guy is 21 years old, chances are he wants to be going out a bit more often and meeting women around his maturity level or in his stage of life, right now it's already a regimented routine of day to day and predictability...that's not what most 21 year old's are generally ready for. If he stays the relationship will only continue the way it is and even lead to something more serious and confining, like straight into a house or apartment and he's already paying bills and living the "married life". This didn't happen over night, he's wanted things to change for a while now...no guy says he's going to move and then expect you to come with him, he wants to move on his own unless he's saying WE or asking you what you think about this or that. I think initially he moved out to get out from under his parents house, and plus the older girl can be quite enticing for young men looking for a bit of independence and someone a bit more mature...but that isn't a good dynamic for men until their mid 20's at the soonest to be in the situation he is in now...men need their own time to come into their own. Honestly, I wouldn't even take it completely personal...I understand that you thought this would lead well into the future, but men don't work the same way as women...19 year old guys aren't ready for that kind of settling down yet, they don't even understand or know what that kind of commitment means...these guys end up cheating later on down in life if they end up "stuck" early on in a marriage or relationship...he was impulsive to move in with you like you'd expect a 19 year old to be, and I'm sure everything was great in the beginning but the reality settles in eventually and he realized he bit off more than he can chew...and as a growing boy he's going to want to "spread his wings" aka sleep with other women. I think the long-distance offer was merely a bargaining chip to get out of the situation without having to break up with you, and he could leave on calm waters instead of murky or rough seas. I think he'll pull away eventually, even though initially he'll have a hard time letting go and missing you because he's so used to you being apart of his life...so i wouldn't be surprised if he keeps you as a side-option...maintaining communication and emotions and all that crap, but getting himself involved in the things he wants to do in his life and playing with other vagina. The best thing you could do IMO is just let him go...do your best to be understanding and not be overly emotional as he'll just feel guilty and tell you a bunch of things he may not mean to make you feel better or even stay, which he doesn't want to do in his heart. So just let the little butterfly go, on very calm and understanding terms, don't break down and got hot mess mode...he'll think about a lot more if you don't put pressure or insist on working out and making him stay, that will get you the opposite affect...let him really think about this and feel it through, you've been a major part of his life nonetheless and he may be back in the future, but I don't think right now....guys always go back in time to "good things they passed over" but that's apart of growing up. Edited April 3, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 2
stillafool Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 The guy is just 21 and that is the legal age to drink and hit the clubs. He has every right to want a young man's life and quite frankly I think that is healthy. All you can do is live your life and if it's meant to be then it will be but don't hold your breath.
Author cdanner09 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 We've been talking about it, and it seems like he's starting to have second thoughts. He doesn't know yet if he he's going to move or not, he's worried about how I'm going to be on my own; if it's going to be hard for me he said he cares about me too much to just leave. He's also saying that if he does move, he's going to get a 6-month lease so that as soon as my internship is over I can join him. I brought up us splitting up. I gave him an out, but he insists that isn't what he wants. He says he really needs this for himself. He feels too young to be in a "married" situation and needs some space to himself for a while. He wants to be in a city where he has friends isn't just waiting for me to get home from work all day every day, going crazy out of boredom (he goes to school and hits the gym, but other than that we don't know anyone in this city and I work about 55 hours a week). I think he's torn.
Eclypse Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Never ever ever date a man who is 4 years younger than you. Men mature slower than women, you need to date OLDER men. If my girlfriend followed that advice I'd be very lonely now. Mature and immature people come in all ages. 3
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 As a guy, I second advice about 21 year old guys dating 25 yeard old chicks. Of course, that's because I believe nobody should be dating 25 year old chicks. That's prime freak-out time for them: Most of her friends are married or engaged and starting to have kids. 25 is when jealous/neediness/herd mentatility/happiness chasing begins for them. Every guy she dates has to be the one because, to her, time is running out. She starts chasing that big ring and fancy wedding at all cost to those that stand in her way or waste her time. No time just to have fun and learn about someone, it all has to lead to that day. Boys, when you see a hot 25 yeard old, run, she's a trap. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 In my experience, it's the beginning of the end. He doesn't know what he wants, including you. It's normal at that age, sure. But are you really prepared to hang in limbo while he "straightens himself out"? Believe me, that's an awful feeling. Almost worse than ending the relationship 1
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 We've been talking about it, and it seems like he's starting to have second thoughts. He doesn't know yet if he he's going to move or not, he's worried about how I'm going to be on my own; if it's going to be hard for me he said he cares about me too much to just leave. He's also saying that if he does move, he's going to get a 6-month lease so that as soon as my internship is over I can join him. I brought up us splitting up. I gave him an out, but he insists that isn't what he wants. He says he really needs this for himself. He feels too young to be in a "married" situation and needs some space to himself for a while. He wants to be in a city where he has friends isn't just waiting for me to get home from work all day every day, going crazy out of boredom (he goes to school and hits the gym, but other than that we don't know anyone in this city and I work about 55 hours a week). I think he's torn. This is guilt. And probably nerves. He's never been on his own before. You're his security. It's telling that you "offered" him an out instead of breaking up him yourself. Break up with him. Don't just let the little butterfly go free...push him out of the net. You can be nice about it and tell him that you don't see things working out, but that you hope he does well in the new city, but if you let him waffle, he's probably going to either leave anyway, or he'll resent you. Make him think about the decision he's making. It's healthier for both of you. 1
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't live with a guy (first of all) without marriage on the table... BUT, since you are, I'd not accept anymore waffling on his part. Break up with him, get his stuff together (do it in a kind way, of course) and make sure he is out on a time you can agree to. Sooner the better. Why wait until the end of the semester? I'd be ok with waiting till then if you think it would be too disruptive... but otherwise I see no reason to put things off. Just take care of it and move on. If he wants to be with you, he'll find a way. In the meantime, you got plenty of other things to worry about... Like your own life. Oh, and he's worried about YOU?! Ha! Good one. I love it when a guy says that. If it were me, I'd just shake my head and tell him to stop calling me. Worried about you, my *ss. What are you? Some delicate flower whose world is going to come to a screeching halt because he decides to move away? Hardly!! (Edited: During my divorce... my ex said that maybe after I finished my graduate degree, we could get back together. I laughed and said "What?! You think I'm going to want your sorry *ss after I've done this all by myself? Fat chance!!") Edited April 3, 2013 by RedRobin 3
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I wouldn't live with a guy (first of all) without marriage on the table... BUT, since you are, I'd not accept anymore waffling on his part. Break up with him, get his stuff together (do it in a kind way, of course) and make sure he is out on a time you can agree to. Sooner the better. Why wait until the end of the semester? I'd be ok with waiting till then if you think it would be too disruptive... but otherwise I see no reason to put things off. Just take care of it and move on. If he wants to be with you, he'll find a way. In the meantime, you got plenty of other things to worry about... Like your own life. Oh, and he's worried about YOU?! Ha! Good one. I love it when a guy says that. If it were me, I'd just shake my head and tell him to stop calling me. Worried about you, my *ss. What are you? Some delicate flower whose world is going to come to a screeching halt because he decides to move away? Hardly!! (Edited: During my divorce... my ex said that maybe after I finished my graduate degree, we could get back together. I laughed and said "What?! You think I'm going to want your sorry *ss after I've done this all by myself? Fat chance!!") I love you. 1
SJC2008 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He tried the live in gf situation. He's being honest and verbalized his concerns and feels like he's married already. He's too young to settle down, let him go. 1
Author cdanner09 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I've decided that the best decision for both of us is to go our separate ways at the end of the semester. Now the only question remaining is timing. We have 4 more months left in our lease before the move. As for ending things before then, it's not an option. I can't afford our current lease on my own and regardless, he needs to stay in town to finish off the semester. When should I break this news to him? I can't imagine how awkward the next few months living together would be with this hanging over heads...
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I've decided that the best decision for both of us is to go our separate ways at the end of the semester. Now the only question remaining is timing. We have 4 more months left in our lease before the move. As for ending things before then, it's not an option. I can't afford our current lease on my own and regardless, he needs to stay in town to finish off the semester. When should I break this news to him? I can't imagine how awkward the next few months living together would be with this hanging over heads... Listed in order of preference... a) talk to him about both of you finding different places ASAP, taking a look at the current lease and seeing what your options are. You might be able to sublet it. If you live in a hot rental market, you won't have a problem finding someone to pick it up. b) don't say anything. Just wait until the end of the semester and just say ta-ta. c) talk to him now, and you both sleep in different parts of the apt.
StanMusial Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He's really young, probably wants to sow some wild oats.
Author cdanner09 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 ...Or should I try the long distance thing for a couple months and see if this is the space he needs? I'm going back and forth a lot with this whole deal and can't seem to make a solid decision. He seems to really want this to work but, understandably, is also wanting to get that feeling of independence. I appreciate his honesty. I really care about him. I just don't want to be 'that girl' that clings to a relationship with a death grip until theres nothing left.
MidwestUSA Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 ...Or should I try the long distance thing for a couple months and see if this is the space he needs? I'm going back and forth a lot with this whole deal and can't seem to make a solid decision. He seems to really want this to work but, understandably, is also wanting to get that feeling of independence. I appreciate his honesty. I really care about him. I just don't want to be 'that girl' that clings to a relationship with a death grip until theres nothing left. Something tells me that if you continue to live together for the next four months, the answer is going to become painfully clear. And I mean painfully. If you can wait it out, you'll soon have your answer. Best of luck!
Janesays Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 ...Or should I try the long distance thing for a couple months and see if this is the space he needs. Let me help you. No one, man or woman, younger or older has suggested that you do anything but break up with him. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE thinks it is a good idea for you to do the "long distance" option. Consider that. Darling, you already ARE that girl who is clinging to a dead relationship. Quit having these "talks" where he "sincerely" reassures you that he still wants you. He is saying that out of GUILT and nothing more...and it's giving you hope. Something to cling to. End it now. End it quit. Move back in with your parents if you have to. This hurts now..,but it will hurt even worse when you forfeit your dignity by clinging to a dead relationship. 1
veggirl Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Don't bother with the long distance. He is 21, he's been dating you since he was a teenager! There is no way long distance will work. He will want to go out and experience the adult single life, guaranteed. Save yourself the delayed heartache and end it while you're in the same city.
Author cdanner09 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for all the input and advice. This is just a hard reality to face. I mean I really feel like I'm losing my best friend.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Understood, but don't lost your dignity in the process as well. He's 21 and likely inexperienced at breakups. He's doing his best to let you down without hurting your feelings. Don't cling hopefully and be "that" girl when he's trying to get his freedom. He's ready to spread his wings and explore what's out there. You are in different life stages. This was bound to come to an end unfortunately.
Janesays Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for all the input and advice. This is just a hard reality to face. I mean I really feel like I'm losing my best friend. If it makes you feel better, I was in a similar situation when I was younger...only I was the one who needed to "spread my wings." So I did, realized what I had tossed aside and tried to go crawling back a couple of years later. My ex kicked me in my face, of course, and good for him. Too much dignity to settle for someone who let him go so easily before. Hopefully you'll do the same someday.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for all the input and advice. This is just a hard reality to face. I mean I really feel like I'm losing my best friend. This is the natural progression of the majority of relationships in your early 20's, you should be glad that they end amicably and that you may be able to salvage a kind of friendship with him in the future as this seems to be one of those cases of where it will go next, it just won't be a relationship in the romantic capacity and I'd hope neither you or him try to make it work at that point...once he leaves just let it go and let him go for a while too...don't cling to him under the guise of a friendship. He'll likely try and come back in the future, but by then you may feel differently and honestly don't do it...it's not just about timing, certain things work out at certain times in your life for a reason. This is will always be a big part of his life and something you shared, it won't be just forgotten. But when relationships run their course, you have to be strong enough to let them go. It doesn't mean they didn't mean anything to you or it was all for nothing, life is about these experiences and moments and it catapults you into the next phase of our lives. And you'll be able to see a difference when you find someone on the same page as you and isn't so much younger, especially at that point in a guys life. You've just got to give it time, you'll see the other side of things as you enter the next phase in your life, don't think this is the end of your romantic life...this isn't a bad thing, even though you'll miss him and feel like you lost your best friend at first, you'll survive and you'll see that it was not meant to be. Long-distance will end up in disappointment at the least and possibly in disaster, don't make that gamble...it's extremely risky and unnecessary. Just tell him to go on his own and if life leads you back together in the future then we'll speak again. Just try and keep it together emotional until he does go, it'll be extremely difficult for you at times but just focus on work and other things and what you're going to plan on the future, don't be swayed by his guilt and conflicting emotions, don't let this be confusing and complicated...make it simple, recognize where he's at...you already know in his heart of hearts he doesn't want to stay and wants to go, but just because he has his own fears, apprehensions and doubts as any 21 year old would have...doesn't mean this is an everlasting love, there's nothing else to give a chance, the relationship has already reached the point of no return...it'll just deteriorate from this point on, even if there's a few strong gusts of winds for the good "trying to make it work"...that just doesn't last.
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