Inflikted Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Last summer, I fell pretty hard for a girl I know from work. We hit it off extraordinarily well, which never happens for me. But, as it turned out, she wasn't into me that way. As more time passed, she started pulling away from me. She stopped talking and joking with me the way she used to, and she started giving that attention to two other male coworkers (one being her ex-boyfriend). I had a very hard time with this, because our "chemistry" was so good, and it just crushed me to not only lose it, but see her having that with other guys instead. This transpired months ago, now, but I'm still having trouble with it. On days where I don't see her (which, thankfully, is more often than not), I'm okay, but the second I see her again, it just wrecks me inside, and it takes me a day or two to normalize again. The thing is, I'm 24 (going on 25), and I've never dated, but I've always wanted to so badly. I almost never really "hit it off" with a girl that way, don't get me wrong, I have no problems talking to or befriending girls, but there's just never a "connection" there. The last time there was a girl I really wanted to date was, like, five years ago. On top of that, this recent girl was pretty much my ideal girl. How often does that come around, yanno? Finding a girl I want to date is like finding a needle in a haystack, so situations like this are devastating to me, because I know that it's going to be years before I find another girl I want to date, and chances are, she won't be into me, either. I'm just sick of not finding someone, and waiting to cross paths with that special someone. Then, today, I found out that this girl has been dating a guy that we both worked with. He's not a bad guy, I guess, and I know it's none of my business who she dates, but I've been feeling devastated ever since I found out. I just can't stop wondering "Why not me?", and more importantly "Why never me?". That's the problem. *Maybe* I'll luck out in a few years and find another girl, but for her, there's always going to be another guy around the corner that's better-looking than me, funnier than me, more exciting than me, just... better than me. I'll never be "good enough". How can I possibly hope to compete with that? Deep down, I've been trying to maintain some semblance of optimism, of "hope", but I'm just not strong enough to keep doing that anymore. I just can't convince myself anymore that there's a "happy ending" for me. I feel like this whole thing with this last girl was like the universe "teasing" me, showing me my ideal girl, but not letting me have her. I just don't know where to even go from here. I'm beaten down, I'm "broken", and I just don't feel like I have the strength anymore to get back up and hope for the future.
wisernow Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Last summer, I fell pretty hard for a girl I know from work. We hit it off extraordinarily well, which never happens for me. But, as it turned out, she wasn't into me that way. As more time passed, she started pulling away from me. She stopped talking and joking with me the way she used to, and she started giving that attention to two other male coworkers (one being her ex-boyfriend). I had a very hard time with this, because our "chemistry" was so good, and it just crushed me to not only lose it, but see her having that with other guys instead. This transpired months ago, now, but I'm still having trouble with it. On days where I don't see her (which, thankfully, is more often than not), I'm okay, but the second I see her again, it just wrecks me inside, and it takes me a day or two to normalize again. The thing is, I'm 24 (going on 25), and I've never dated, but I've always wanted to so badly. I almost never really "hit it off" with a girl that way, don't get me wrong, I have no problems talking to or befriending girls, but there's just never a "connection" there. The last time there was a girl I really wanted to date was, like, five years ago. On top of that, this recent girl was pretty much my ideal girl. How often does that come around, yanno? Finding a girl I want to date is like finding a needle in a haystack, so situations like this are devastating to me, because I know that it's going to be years before I find another girl I want to date, and chances are, she won't be into me, either. I'm just sick of not finding someone, and waiting to cross paths with that special someone. Then, today, I found out that this girl has been dating a guy that we both worked with. He's not a bad guy, I guess, and I know it's none of my business who she dates, but I've been feeling devastated ever since I found out. I just can't stop wondering "Why not me?", and more importantly "Why never me?". That's the problem. *Maybe* I'll luck out in a few years and find another girl, but for her, there's always going to be another guy around the corner that's better-looking than me, funnier than me, more exciting than me, just... better than me. I'll never be "good enough". How can I possibly hope to compete with that? Deep down, I've been trying to maintain some semblance of optimism, of "hope", but I'm just not strong enough to keep doing that anymore. I just can't convince myself anymore that there's a "happy ending" for me. I feel like this whole thing with this last girl was like the universe "teasing" me, showing me my ideal girl, but not letting me have her. I just don't know where to even go from here. I'm beaten down, I'm "broken", and I just don't feel like I have the strength anymore to get back up and hope for the future. Come on Inflicted, you're 24 (going on 25) you will meet many women in the years to come. Your 20's are all about figuring out who you are, dating, having fun. I wouldn't be looking for a girl at your job, or even considering dating one, cause when the relationship goes south, you're stuck seeing that person every day. I'm sure you can relate to that with this girl you were hung up on. What are your interests, hobbies, etc? Meeting girls who have things in common with you is a great jumping off point to a potential relationship. You're not "beaten, you're not "broken" you just need to dust yourself off, get out there and meet someone new. Outside of the office!
Author Inflikted Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Come on Inflicted, you're 24 (going on 25) you will meet many women in the years to come. Your 20's are all about figuring out who you are, dating, having fun. I wouldn't be looking for a girl at your job, or even considering dating one, cause when the relationship goes south, you're stuck seeing that person every day. I'm sure you can relate to that with this girl you were hung up on. I would say that, over the last eight or so years, I've met around 200-ish girls altogether, and of that group, there's only been a very small handful of them that I was interested in dating. I so rarely make that connection with a girl, but it's never ever mutual. Honestly, it wasn't a conscious decision to date someone from work. We just had a good bit of time together over the summer, and I realized how much she resembled my "ideal girl". I didn't think much of the work thing, because she and I are both just part timers in a retail environment, and our shifts have never coincided THAT much. I dunno. Ever since I found out who she's dating earlier today, I just can't get that out of my head. I keep thinking about them together, going on dates, having sex, etc., and it just upsets me so much. I don't get why I couldn't have been that guy, I don't get why I rarely find anyone, and why when I do, I'm not good enough to be "that guy". What are your interests, hobbies, etc? Meeting girls who have things in common with you is a great jumping off point to a potential relationship. You're not "beaten, you're not "broken" you just need to dust yourself off, get out there and meet someone new. Outside of the office! Nothing that's conducive to meeting people, really. I'm very introverted, and I don't really have much of an active social life. The interests and hobbies I enjoy most are things I do by myself, and I don't really have any particular interests that would get me out meeting people. I'd like to have a more active, fulfilling social life, but I don't want to go out and do things unless I have friends to go do stuff with. But then, I know that's a bit of a never-ending cycle, because you need to go out and meet people to have friends, but I don't have much of an interest in going anywhere or doing anything unless I have people to go with. So, that doesn't leave me in a very good place.
Author Inflikted Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 God, even a day later, I still can't get my mind off of her and this guy. Every time I close my eyes, I see it, no matter how I try to distract myself, it's at the forefront of my mind, and it just makes my skin crawl and my stomach hurt. I wish I never found out. To think, if I didn't have to work yesterday, I would've been able to keep living in blissful ignorance. Ugh. I just can't handle this.
Warmcozy Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) I am going through a similar experience at my job except the guy is my supervisor. Even though I date other guys, I can't keep my mind off of him. After years of talking to various friends and family about the situation, I realized the only solution for me was to get another job. Like you, I am also introverted and my true interests never involve meeting other people, but when I decided to commit to regular social activities once a week even if I didn't feel like it, life started to improve. I was meeting more people and started to see my supervisor isn't the only amazing guy out there. In fact, my definition of "amazing" changed to include a guy who I liked and who asked me out. For you, I think the lesson here is you'll have to take a chance on the next girl you feel a connection with and actually ask her out. They don't come around every day. Edited April 3, 2013 by Warmcozy Add clarification
Author Inflikted Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 For you, I think the lesson here is you'll have to take a chance on the next girl you feel a connection with and actually ask her out. They don't come around every day. I did ask this girl out, though. That's not really the problem. My problem with dating is kind of two-fold. For one, it's very rare for me to find a girl I want to date. Secondly, I look for something more meaningful before I know if I want to date a girl. When you combine those two factors, that means that when I do find a girl I like, I get so invested in her (because again, it took me ages to find and because I like her for a reason that's meaningful to me) that when she inevitably says no, it devastates me and sends me all the way back to square one, and I just can't heal from it. Then I see them easily go on with their lives and start dating some other guy, and that makes it even harder.
Warmcozy Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I get that. What I learned in my situation was there are no easy answers. When it comes to your heart, you have to do the work. This means knowing you're going to get and be hurt, then getting back up and trying again. It's the only way to get to the sweet spot.
WhoreyBull Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I don't know too much about the situation and I only skimmed. But if you are that age and never dated you may be having the same issue as my guy friend... you aren't asking girls out. Like did you ask her out? You hit it off, great! Then what? Dinner? Movie? Did you ask her to go anywhere. I saw the same thing happen at my work. The guy just let her go and let her go. Didn't ask her out anywhere, didn't see if she wanted to grab a coffee. Nothing. She moved on. He was so mad because he thought they hit it off great. She thought so too but he didn't make a move for two weeks. She thought he was gay or something and was just being awkwardly friendly since he NEVER ASKED HER OUT. Did you utter anything close to a suggestion of a date?
WhoreyBull Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) Secondly, I look for something more meaningful before I know if I want to date a girl. When you combine those two factors, that means that when I do find a girl I like, I get so invested in her.... The later you start your dating the more emotionally invested you're going to have to feel you need to be with the girl before dating her. Because you are going to start to feel time ticking pretty soon, especially without the years of crappy high school dating that usually helps us avoid situations like this. Dating isn't serious, don't get so involved with someone you've just met. Take it slow but still be freaking dating. Like how can you even know something more meaningful if you don't both agree you are at least not going to date others. Like... what are you even dreaming here. - and I don't want to be rude but humans can smell insecurity in the dating pool like blood in the water. Women are not going to want to date someone who is worrying about this like you. You are a great guy I am sure, obviously you can talk with girls and have a good time. People like you and you are self sabotaging. Even you said about asking a girl on a date that when she "inevitably says no" it devastates you. Did you ****ing hear yourself use the word inevitably !?! Self fulfilling prophecy man. Make a prophecy where you stop acting like such a dork Good luck sweety Edited April 4, 2013 by WhoreyBull
Author Inflikted Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I don't know too much about the situation and I only skimmed. But if you are that age and never dated you may be having the same issue as my guy friend... you aren't asking girls out. Like did you ask her out? You hit it off, great! Then what? Dinner? Movie? Did you ask her to go anywhere. I did ask her out, yes. I think it was about May or June where we kinda started talking more at work to each other. At the time, we were only seeing each other one or twice every 1-2 weeks, and by about July, I kinda started to feel something. I tried to just write it off at first, because A) I figured it was just a silly little crush that would go away shortly and not worth making things weird about, and B) I wasn't sure of her status and I knew another coworker (her ex) was hitting on her, so I kinda backed off to see how that played out. At some point, I finally realized I liked her and really wanted to take a shot, but I've had a crippling fear of driving my entire life, so I never got a license, and I figured no girl would want to date a guy that can't drive a car. So, for a couple of weeks, I overcame my fear of driving, learned to drive, and got my license. The day I got my license, I drove on up to work and asked her out. Dating isn't serious, don't get so involved with someone you've just met. Take it slow but still be freaking dating. Like how can you even know something more meaningful if you don't both agree you are at least not going to date others. Like... what are you even dreaming here. Well, see, I don't seem to develop "attraction" the way guys typically do. For the average guy, it's as easy as thinking "Oh, that girl over there is cute, I'm going to ask her out". I don't care about any of that, and I don't think that way. First and foremost, I want someone I can feel comfortable talking to, and joke around with, and that's not something you can really pick up on by just doing "cold approaches". I liked the way I was able to get to know this last girl before I figured out I wanted to date her. Working together gave us a good opportunity to talk and see how we get along without getting too close. Ideally, that's how I'd like to develop a "romantic relationship" with someone. Not necessarily at work, of course, but I'd like to be able to have a few conversations with them first, because otherwise, I don't know if I'd want to go on a date with them or not. In most cases, the answer is no, but still. and I don't want to be rude but humans can smell insecurity in the dating pool like blood in the water. Women are not going to want to date someone who is worrying about this like you. It's kinda funny, though, because I don't really become "insecure" until after I get rejected. I can't really explain it, but when I was initially talking to this girl, all my insecurities and self-esteem issues just melted away, and my confidence was through the roof. I wasn't thinking about any of this stuff for a change. But the second she turned down my date, that's when all this stuff came rushing right back.
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