kellyp1 Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 Ok, here is my story. I have been dating a guy for 7 months. He is in many ways everything I ever wanted in a partner. He has some baggage, ex's that ended up cheating with his former friends and he is very committed to his family. Anyway, for the past 3 months, we have not had a date. We have met for breakfast, lunch, or snuck away from work to spend time together, but nothing at night (even the breakfast or lunches came during his work hours). No coming over and watching movies at night, hanging out, nothing... So, I am getting pretty bummed about it all. In that time, he has had his car set on fire (a neighbor's car was the target), his 54 year-old uncle died, his grandmother has been hospitalized, his car has broken down while visiting relatives in Northern CA., he has gotten food poisoning, cell phone got ruined, he had to move out of his place and back with his parents for a few months (he is 33) and had been arrested for getting in a fight with this guy who was letting him leave his sister's broken down car in his lot but ended up having it towed right after he agreed to have it left there. Getting him to tell me what is going on has also been a challenge because he is a stubborn male who believes he needs to handle it all on his own and it shows weakness to let me in. I have offered on a number of occasions to just be friends because he is hurting me in the process and he keeps saying no, you are the bright spot in my life, I want you as more than friends, etc... but he still can't even make the effort to spend a few hours with me watching a movie or anything. I have tried to be supportive (left cookies, cards at his work) but he is not doing anything for us. I am not being selfish here, being around for 3 months without a date when I have only known him 7 is a big deal. I have not been putting myself first. He keeps saying that I need to be more understanding (???) and patient while he works through his issues and I am beginning to feel like an idiot for thinking that my kindness and love could get us through this. What are your thoughts? I am always one to share my life with the person I am with. Anyone been on the other side of this and have thoughts on what is the best thing for me to do?
mighty bop Posted September 13, 2004 Posted September 13, 2004 This guy is obviously too selfish. 7 months seeing him and no evening hangouts for the past 3? That is not right. You are trying way too hard hard for a guy that's probably not worth it. Sounds to me like he is bad luck with all those things happening to him. Just being near him will get you dragged in too. Find someone else! Chris
Author kellyp1 Posted September 14, 2004 Author Posted September 14, 2004 Leaving him will be hard because the first few months before things went wrong for him, he was everything I ever wanted. I don't want to regret any decision I make. Has anyone been in a spot of having bad luck and find the need to push away from your S.O.?
mighty bop Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Regret. I know what you mean. One option you have then is just take some time apart from each other until things are going ok. Something is just not right if you two can't even get together ONE night to watch a movie or go out to eat somewhere. Think about it. Chris
Author kellyp1 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 So he came back and was all full of how he missed me, loved everything about me. Still no date. Then he promised we would go out on my birthday and he called to say he would be horrible company, was too involved in his stress. Told me not to be mad and that we could take a raincheck on my birthday. What an a-hole! The walking shoes are on and I am already a few blocks away.
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Good for you! If you were the bright spot in his life he would have jumped to share time with you. You deserve better!
gersanos Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I had a similar situation that is posted under "what the heck happened?" under break-ups. I, however, was trying to spend time with my now ex, and trying to make things work, but I had a lot of change that I went through in my life over a 3 week period and she just wasn't there for me. Then she says that she doesn't feel the same about me. In that process, I was pushing her away from me by (1) not sharing everything with her right away because it's a sign of weakness for me (want to be macho), but I did tell her everything once I had a day to myself to figure out what was up with me, and (2) because so much change was occuring I began to fear that I may lose her. I was honest with her about all of these things. I don't know if it scared her, or if she thought I was being clingy. In either case, I was an emotional wall. No ups, no downs, just numb and not like myself, and she seemed like she didn't care enough to help me out, but suggested that this is the way things are going to be. I think she was pretty selfish in this respect. But, not having a date in 3 months with your boyfriend is ridiculous. Heck, if I were you, I would try to talk about the matter with him first and see what happens. He's goign through a lot right now. After a couple of days if that doesn't work then maybe suggest giving him some time, and if worst comes to worst, then you end it. He is selfish for not spending the time with you. You can try and work on it with him and help him get over this stall in his life, or if that's not worth it for you, then just let him go. Funny as I type this response because me and my ex had 6 months of bliss, and after my emotions changing so much because of what was happening in my life for a couple of weeks, she decides that this is the way it's always going to be between us amd ends it. Talk about the positives outweighing the negatives with this one. But do a pro/con list. Evaluate the situation, and don't just run away from it. If you feel that the negatives outweigh the positives, then act on it, but keep him informed. That's the one thing I wished my ex did with me, instead of holding it back and justifying it in her mind by not discussing the matter.
Author kellyp1 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Thanks for the advice and trust me I tried. If these boards have done anything for me, its realizing that there are two sides to everything. I gave him numerous chances saying I would never judge him but wanted to be a part of his life. Along the 3 months, I asked for a night, just sitting in front of the TV and he would say he wanted that too but was too stressed. I tried and tried but the birthday thing was way too much. I spent my birthday at home (until my friends showed up) not able to shake the broken heart feeling. Anyway, I did write him a letter and sent it to his work, outlining the good and bad of what he and I had. I also said not to ever call me again unless he was sincere about wanting a relationship and willing to take feelings into consideration beyond his own. I am not expecting to hear from him again and am trying to focus on the good things I learned from the relationship. It is hard at times but overall, I am ok and having fun with other parts of my life. Life is an adventure after all!
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I'm glad kelly that you're not just sitting around over this. He'll come crawling back.... But do you want him to?
beautiful Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Kellyp1, It is time to find out why you are allowing to be treated this way? Once you know this and take care of yourself you be just fine and you will attracthealthier people in your life.
Author kellyp1 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I have thought about it but I think with this guy, it was a connection I have never had before (I am 33 and was engaged to be married so that means a lot to me). We had a great 4 months before things went wrong where a lot of bad things happened to him. I think I thought it was just in passing, as the first 4 months were fine. I kept thinking he was going to get over it and fix his problems but he just seemed to sink into it worse. I gave him a few extra chances only because I have been down on my luck and know that it affects my communication with other people but that didn't seem to work. He kept trying to explain his problems away without ever wanting to talk about them with me (like one of the other posters, he has tough guy syndrome). Anyway, I am leaving, have to for my own sanity. I don't regret going the extra mile to try to make things work with him though.
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