McGriff Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Today marks the day 7 of NC, 6 weeks since BU, and a few thoughts are swirling in my head. Thought I would get them out here. The last communication we had, she was very apologetic about hurting me, but ended by saying (in text) "I'm not in love with you and I don't miss you", this after sending me breadcrumbs only a week before that saying she missed me and wanted to "snuggle". Now I'm not dense, I get that she is trying to push me away, and I'm not one to hang around where I'm not wanted. BUT, my problem today (and I have been so up and down the last few weeks) is that I'm having trouble believing that one week we were best friends, lovers, and couldn't stand to be apart. We talked of marriage, we spent time with each others families, and then within a week everything was different. I just can't seem to reconcile this in my mind! Now I think to myself---she must miss me despite her claims otherwise? Is she a freaking sociopath? I feel so totally at a loss and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not gonna contact her anymore, and I just can't believe we are here. It's like I just want to say to her "REALLY?!?!?"
Cogee Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sometimes people have down moments where they do genuinely miss someone, but otherwise don't miss them. We can't know if she was genuine about her plans to marry or see family but maybe she was. The reality is now she isn't and how that can change so suddenly (if it did) is not something we can understand, only she can. There's a lot of potential reasons why she might say she misses you one week and then says she doesn't the next week. I know it's frustrating but it's something that you can't control or know.
Author McGriff Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Cogee---exactly! That's the thing that is frustrating me. I mean, last week after we talked, I was so angry (didnt let her know) and I was ok with the BU. I mean, I have self respect and self worth, and I'm not gonna let anyone have my time if they don't wanna be there. But then Easter weekend got to me, because we had made plans together just weeks ago, so I was missing her pretty bad. Rejection is a tough pill to swallow for even the strongest of us, and my analytical mind is starving for answers. It's like a math problem that can't be solved because there's some variable missing. Give me the freaking variable so I can move on!
Cogee Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Just remember that the more you know, the more you know you don't know. Even if you did find out why she acted the way she did and knew the full truth of it, you are faced with more questions. Believe me, I've gone through this and the more answers I got the more frustrated I got. Why did she leave me? She gave her reasons but none made sense to me. Each reason begged more questions. Finally when I found the real answer, that there was another man, it begged more questions. Why him? Why now? Why did she hide it from me? Why did she lie? Why didn't she break up earlier? It goes on and on. You will never find the closure you want from answers because you wish things didn't go the way they did. The only closure you want is for things to be how they once were before things ended. 2
Damsel in Distress Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Rejection is a tough pill to swallow for even the strongest of us, and my analytical mind is starving for answers. It's like a math problem that can't be solved because there's some variable missing. Give me the freaking variable so I can move on! McGriff, I am right there with you. I'm a smart woman with a PhD and a very analytical bent. I am a researcher and work a lot with statistics - my job is to understand and make sense of things. It is driving me INSANE that I cannot make sense of this breakup, how it ended, how feelings changed so suddenly, etc. The common knowledge on LS is that it doesn't matter why, all that matters is that they don't want you in their lives any more, so move on but my mind is obsessing over solving this and I can't stop it. I NEED to know why. Like you, I was also blindsided in a relationship that seemed very happy to me, right after discussions about how lucky we were to have found each other, so it's just so hard to wrap my mind around it. The subject line on my first post about my situation included "Desperate need for information" and I STILL feel that way. The situation doesn't make sense, and I feel like if I could just understand it, I could neatly tie it up, put it away, and move on. I didn't have to work today so I had too much time on my hands and nearly lost my mind obsessing. I wrote probably 5 or 6 emails to my ex (UNSENT) trying to figure out how to get him to have another conversation with me and give me the answers I need to understand this. In truth I do not think there are any answers that would neatly tie this up. BTW, I've had the same thought - could he be a sociopath! lol The mind looks for some logical explanation for how feelings can change so abruptly. So I don't have answers, but just know I feel your pain!
Cogee Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I feel both your pain and as a researcher myself I can completely relate Damsel. In fact, today I made the mistake of asking a friend of mine who talked to my ex recently if my ex has made the wedding plans yet since she got engaged 2 months after leaving me for someone else. I'm told she will be married NEXT MONTH. So, I got that question answered and now more come up... why the heck is she wanting to marry so soon? She is acting completely counter to what I thought she was like. She will be married 4 months after leaving me for someone else. HOLY CRAP.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Cogee, I am so sorry. How a woman can leave you and enter into a marriage with somebody else so suddenly is surely a question with no satisfying answer. It boggles the mind that a person is capable of shifting their love, their desires, their wants so quickly Maybe she's a sociopath! (That's a joke, but I know it's not funny. Again, the mind searches for any explanation that makes sense.) I can share the explanation my ex gave me on breakup day. Things were going especially good, then without warning he completely cut off contact for two weeks (it was a LDR). When he reappeared he told me he very unexpectedly met a girl (the day after we last talked) and was shaken up to find that he was instantly and intensely connected to her. He said that something very strong was happening between them and "sometimes powerful things happen that we have no control over". (Yeah, right). Either this was total BS, or perhaps he had a romantic fantasy of being lovestruck by a soulmate (but he told me he had that with ME! Should it happen twice in a lifetime?) And if somebody is in a happy committed relationship they should not be susceptible to being lovestruck by somebody else! I feel like a secure base was pulled right out from under me - and my beliefs about love, trust, and fidelity are shaken to the core. This isn't the way the world is supposed to work. I'm so so sorry to hear she is getting married, Cogee. Surely it is doomed to fail, but what in the world is she thinking? How is it possible for somebody to do that. Again, this isn't the way the world is supposed to work
Cogee Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Wow, a lot of similarities between you and I Damsel. Mine was a LDR too and I think this is one of the great dangers of a LDR. When your partner meets someone else, it's awfully tempting for them to get involved with someone closer to them if the distance won't be closed soon. It takes a very dedicated couple to make a LDR work. I'd honestly believe my ex if she told me the same thing your ex told you, but of course mine had to go ahead and give a bunch of other reasons, conveniently leaving the most important part out that there was someone else. The only explanation I can give is that she is pregnant with him, hence the desire to get married quickly. If that's not it, then I think it's safe for me to say I never really got to know this woman because everything I knew about her suggested she would never rush into a marriage like this.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I do think my ex was being honest with me, and you are right, this new girl is local. He said I am wonderful, said never imagined this would happen and he wasn't looking, but when pursued by a local girl who apparently had a crush on him for a long time, he couldn't resist. The part that bothers me the most is that he had told me I never had to worry about him finding a local girlfriend because he didn't want that the responsibility and knows that he cannot live with a woman day after day. Now he's suddenly jumping into an intense relationship with this girl. I am curious to find out if your ex is pregnant. That would explain the rush into marriage. But gosh, is an accidental pregnancy really a reason to commit your life to somebody you have known such a short time... on the rebound from a LTR? It really does not make sense And I am very disappointed in this woman that she wasn't upfront about the other man. I'm sure it's a hard thing to admit to, but you deserved the truth. 1
Cogee Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I don't know Damsel, but it hurts in a lot of ways. It's the break up that keeps on hurting. Slowly finding the truth after looking for answers, hearing how fast her relationship is moving, then finding out she is engaged and soon to be married. It's definitely I never in my dreams thought I would go through. It's sad to think of all the conversations I had with her about what we would be doing when we get married, have children, and she always wanted me to reassure her that I'd move close to her and be with her always. Sigh...
Coping Vortex Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I feel both your pain and as a researcher myself I can completely relate Damsel. In fact, today I made the mistake of asking a friend of mine who talked to my ex recently if my ex has made the wedding plans yet since she got engaged 2 months after leaving me for someone else. I'm told she will be married NEXT MONTH. So, I got that question answered and now more come up... why the heck is she wanting to marry so soon? She is acting completely counter to what I thought she was like. She will be married 4 months after leaving me for someone else. HOLY CRAP. Omg! Same here. My ex left me a note yesterday that she got engaged 4 months after our BU! What is going with our ex's? Who gets engaged after 4 months???
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