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I filed, but wife wants to separate to try and work things out. Now I'm conflicted.


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Posted

Hi everyone, I filed for divorce four weeks ago, and now my wife is BEGGING to separate and try and work things out.

 

The short story is that I have always believed my wife is BPD or ASPD. I don’t know this because every time I convince her to see a therapist, she convinces them there is nothing wrong with her, but she meets all the criteria of BPD with some ASPD and NPD mixed in: intense mood swings, impulsive behavior, projection, MASSIVE abandonment issues (I can’t leave the house without her crying), circular conversations, black/white thinking, deceitfulness (she lies about EVERYTHING), irresponsibility, and lack of remorse. So after putting up with this for years and a series of really bizarre events, I filed for divorce. NOW, she starts going to a psychotherapist, admitting everything, and claims she is mentally ill, but won’t give me the details because she thinks it will affect custody proceedings.

 

Here’s the skinny: over the past few years, she has been arrested for shoplifting three times (all three times she had the kids with her). The bizarre thing is that she talked her way out of each arrest and was never charged. She was also arrested for vandalizing a car, fired from her last three nursing jobs (one of which was for missing meds), had various bouts of unemployment, has terrible financial skills (40 bad checks in the past two years alone), and recently was sexting another man she met in a bar trying to arrange a sexual encounter (while she was unemployed and refusing to get a job). This man also happened to be her best friend’s boyfriend, whom she was mad at for some reason and was being vengeful.

 

The bad part is that she denies all of this: the shoplifting incidents were all mistakes, getting fired was not her fault, and she denies trying to meet the other man (which is clear from the recovered texts). And not only does she deny, but she maliciously attacks me for even thinking she might be guilty of any of this. Not only does she has zero remorse, but she makes me feel absolutely CrAzY.

 

We tried marriage counseling about six months ago and after three months our marriage counselor literally told her that he didn’t want to see her anymore. He could not take the denial and manipulation any more.

 

To top it off I found a couple of nice jackets in her closet a couple of weekends ago with tags still on them and took them back to the store to confirm they were stolen. Again she had one of our kids with her at the time. When I confronted her, she become very defensive and insulted that I could accuse her of theft. We argued briefly, but I did not tell her I took one of the jackets back to the store. About 1:00 in the morning, she woke me up in a rage and cursed me as she hovered over me for suggesting that she might be shoplifting. I was honestly scared. I didn’t know if she was going to kill me or what. I let her do this and eventually got up and left. I didn’t tell her until next day that I knew they were shoplifted. She finally admitted to stealing this, but still won't own up to the other shoplifting arrests.

 

My question is, at what point is enough enough? I have made every effort to get her to own up to her wrongdoings and see someone, but she wouldn’t do so until I filed for divorce. NOW she wants to get help. I shouldn’t have to go to that extreme to get her to seek help, should I? And I can’t help but to feel like this is just her trying to sooth things over and then… back to the way things used to be. I am conflicted here. I don’t want to do this again and again, but we have three kids and to be honest, without me she is going to be an absolute train wreck. Is separating worthwhile?

Posted

I think if she has BPD it is a long uphill battle. If it were me (having been in a BPD relationship) I would leave. She doesn't seem to really want to help herself. I think she is just telling you what you want to hear and/or covering her ass in a custody battle. I think if you stay you are just setting yourself up for more heartbreak. A Bpder is never satisfied. Like a vampire they will suck all the good out of you until there nothing is left.

 

Be strong...

  • Like 3
Posted

I agree. GET OUT NOW. This nightmare will never end, bro. I don't know if you are referring to Borderline or Bi-Polar, but they are both NIGHTMARES that never end, especially with someone who won't seek treatment and stick to whatever meds possible. (Saying she will seek treatment now is just her way of stopping you from leaving - it's basic manipulation by a BP person. Don't buy it.)

 

You answer your own question: when is enough enough? For me, that would have been years ago. What more do you need to have happen to you and your family?

 

And I'd do everything in my power to get full custody of the kids.

 

You need to let go of feeling responsible for her well-being if you leave. No matter what you do, she's a very sick person and that will never change. YOU CANNOT FIX HER. So save yourself and the kids.

  • Like 3
Posted

Get the divorce. You're no longer responsible for her. Document everything, including times and dates so when it comes time for the custody battle, she can't shut you out from the kids. Also make sure you discuss everything documented with your divorce lawyer. I wouldn't take any chances with someone like this who won't care about scarring the children.

  • Like 3
Posted

Divorce is the only option here. As a father, your job is to ensure your children are safe. Safe from her. Safe from this relationship. I would fight for full custody as she has one more than a few occasions shown she is incapable of being a mother or a decent one with morals and boundaries...

 

If you don't leave now, you may end up with children like her where you are bailing them out of relationships and jail. Show these little ones what a normal healthy father looks like. :)

 

YOU deserve a life free of this don't you? Be good to yourself, Hun!

  • Like 5
Posted
Hi everyone, I filed for divorce four weeks ago, and now my wife is BEGGING to separate and try and work things out.

 

The short story is that I have always believed my wife is BPD or ASPD. I don’t know this because every time I convince her to see a therapist, she convinces them there is nothing wrong with her, but she meets all the criteria of BPD with some ASPD and NPD mixed in: intense mood swings, impulsive behavior, projection, MASSIVE abandonment issues (I can’t leave the house without her crying), circular conversations, black/white thinking, deceitfulness (she lies about EVERYTHING), irresponsibility, and lack of remorse. So after putting up with this for years and a series of really bizarre events, I filed for divorce. NOW, she starts going to a psychotherapist, admitting everything, and claims she is mentally ill, but won’t give me the details because she thinks it will affect custody proceedings.

 

Here’s the skinny: over the past few years, she has been arrested for shoplifting three times (all three times she had the kids with her). The bizarre thing is that she talked her way out of each arrest and was never charged. She was also arrested for vandalizing a car, fired from her last three nursing jobs (one of which was for missing meds), had various bouts of unemployment, has terrible financial skills (40 bad checks in the past two years alone), and recently was sexting another man she met in a bar trying to arrange a sexual encounter (while she was unemployed and refusing to get a job). This man also happened to be her best friend’s boyfriend, whom she was mad at for some reason and was being vengeful.

 

The bad part is that she denies all of this: the shoplifting incidents were all mistakes, getting fired was not her fault, and she denies trying to meet the other man (which is clear from the recovered texts). And not only does she deny, but she maliciously attacks me for even thinking she might be guilty of any of this. Not only does she has zero remorse, but she makes me feel absolutely CrAzY.

 

We tried marriage counseling about six months ago and after three months our marriage counselor literally told her that he didn’t want to see her anymore. He could not take the denial and manipulation any more.

 

To top it off I found a couple of nice jackets in her closet a couple of weekends ago with tags still on them and took them back to the store to confirm they were stolen. Again she had one of our kids with her at the time. When I confronted her, she become very defensive and insulted that I could accuse her of theft. We argued briefly, but I did not tell her I took one of the jackets back to the store. About 1:00 in the morning, she woke me up in a rage and cursed me as she hovered over me for suggesting that she might be shoplifting. I was honestly scared. I didn’t know if she was going to kill me or what. I let her do this and eventually got up and left. I didn’t tell her until next day that I knew they were shoplifted. She finally admitted to stealing this, but still won't own up to the other shoplifting arrests.

 

My question is, at what point is enough enough? I have made every effort to get her to own up to her wrongdoings and see someone, but she wouldn’t do so until I filed for divorce. NOW she wants to get help. I shouldn’t have to go to that extreme to get her to seek help, should I? And I can’t help but to feel like this is just her trying to sooth things over and then… back to the way things used to be. I am conflicted here. I don’t want to do this again and again, but we have three kids and to be honest, without me she is going to be an absolute train wreck. Is separating worthwhile?

 

Separating to do what? I highlighted the bolded part because it seems she's doing exactly that to you.

 

You know she's not remorseful, in fact she's probably a bomb waiting to explode. You do yourself a favor and escape before becoming collateral damage.

  • Like 2
Posted
D As a father, your job is to ensure your children are safe. Safe from her. Safe from this relationship. I would fight for full custody as she has one more than a few occasions shown she is incapable of being a mother or a decent one with morals and boundaries...

Bingo. Stop fighting for your marriage and start fighting for your kids. GET THEM OUT of that environment so they can have some stability. That's job #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Posted

Get the D finalized and make sure you get 100% custody.

 

Spell it out for the court in the papers filed.

 

Hurry!!!

  • Like 1
Posted

Did your wife exhibit this kind of behavior before you married? Before all the stealing, sexting, firing and popping out kids? Because people don't normally develop these kind of clinical issues in adulthood.

 

Otherwise, your options seem clear. The interaction with other men should be the deal breaker, even if it seemed tossed in the pile of complaints.

Posted

She sounds impossible to live with, but she desperately wants you to keep with her.

 

My husband is the same, I am not on his wave length, he was abusive for years, he changed......but is he just acting????

 

I dont love my husband. But I feel responsible.

 

You probably feel responsible for your wife.

 

Like abandoning a puppy isnt it? Awwwwww Poor little thing....he/she will never survive without me.

 

What we BOTH should do...is let them stand on their own two. Be there in the background, living in a different house, to help if neccessary.

 

But, of course actually doing this is not easy. The GUILT, THE GUILT!!!!

 

Its torture too, when you love someone else. You want to be with that other person sooooo much, but everyone says thats imoral and marriage is for life...and wow! Hasnt he/she changed! And isnt it great?!!!!

 

NO. It isnt great. Please just go,. And dont look back. THAT is what I want to tell him! And I bet you do too

  • Like 1
Posted

I feel for you brother,I am now free from a BPD'r and what you have been through is textbook BPD behavior.You can't win this battle no matter what you try.

 

You will break yourself down so far, you don't even recognize yourself.The blame shifting and guilt slinging are only gonna get worse.The other men and affairs are much worse than you now know about.

 

It's always about these people having what they want (being herself) and you are in the way of her getting it (in her mind).I bet she blames you for everything she did in life and for everything she didn't get to do in life.My STBXWW did just that.

 

I can only say what I have lived through with a BPD'r, is more than most men or women (no matter how strong,smart or wise they are) could ever live through.

 

I bet your wife is also very attractive and easily liked by new people.Everyone always thought my BPD STBXWW was such a wonderful and loving lady and she was the most beautiful woman (to me anyway).I don't see the pretty outside anymore,just the nasty and cold dark inside.

 

Also,I paid for everything and even raised her daughter from another man,for eighteen years of marriage!She then blamed me for her lack of education and job experience because she wanted to stay at home!She never had to nor wanted to work at all!When she had some small one-day a week jobs,she was just getting out of the house?These were just a way to run around and get what she wanted as well.

 

Another interesting thing is that these relationships have a strange way of lasting either 18 yrs or 2 yrs ?At these points something happens to the BPD'r.

 

Bottomline is that you may or may not have a BPD'r,but if I knew you did....I would drive to where you are right now and slap you until you left her with your kids in the car with you as you sped away from her!

 

I had the good fortune to find those on here who had lived the nightmare you and I are in now.They woke me up and I will always try and help anyone I see in this mess.

 

Now,I am the strongest I have been in many,many years brother.You will never miss the controlling and negative power she has had on you (if indeed she is BPD).Good luck.

 

Sorry about the tone,I am passionate about this.

 

REVITUP

  • Like 3
Posted

I thought she was ASPD.

 

From the description you gave before she didn't sound like she fit the BPD criteria. (although there MAY be some overlapping traits).

 

The ASPD is very serious and a constant threat to your children's development.

 

It is also insanely difficult to treat. Much worse than BPD.

 

Is there any way of proving diagnosis?

 

Because honestly if you go before a judge saying BPD/NPD/ASPD "cocktail" you are going to sound as uncredible as your wife.

 

Or at least pick ONE. BPD and NPD rarely co-occur (BPD having no sense of self, NPD having an inflated sense of self). Together are are both serious

disorders. Having been a BPD (post treatment, I no longer qualify) I can strongly say that your wife's condition doesn't resonate with me in the

slightest.

 

And she's much scarier...

  • Author
Posted

 

YOU deserve a life free of this don't you? Be good to yourself, Hun!

 

Yes I do! A friend recently asked me, "When did you stop mattering anymore?" And I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the advice.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

 

I dont love my husband. But I feel responsible.

 

You probably feel responsible for your wife.

 

Like abandoning a puppy isnt it? Awwwwww Poor little thing....he/she will never survive without me.

 

What we BOTH should do...is let them stand on their own two. Be there in the background, living in a different house, to help if neccessary.

 

But, of course actually doing this is not easy. The GUILT, THE GUILT!!!!

 

Yes, I feel responsible for her. But why? She could care less about anyone but herself. It's going to be hard, but it's time she got out on her own and worked on herself because I can't.

 

But still...the guilt! But imagine a year or two down the road when things have worked themselves out. Maybe then we can look back at this and know that it was the ONLY option. Too bad we don't have the crystal ball though. Thanks for the words...

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I feel for you brother,I am now free from a BPD'r and what you have been through is textbook BPD behavior.You can't win this battle no matter what you try.

 

You will break yourself down so far, you don't even recognize yourself.The blame shifting and guilt slinging are only gonna get worse.The other men and affairs are much worse than you now know about.

 

It's always about these people having what they want (being herself) and you are in the way of her getting it (in her mind).I bet she blames you for everything she did in life and for everything she didn't get to do in life.My STBXWW did just that.

 

I can only say what I have lived through with a BPD'r, is more than most men or women (no matter how strong,smart or wise they are) could ever live through.

 

I bet your wife is also very attractive and easily liked by new people.Everyone always thought my BPD STBXWW was such a wonderful and loving lady and she was the most beautiful woman (to me anyway).I don't see the pretty outside anymore,just the nasty and cold dark inside.

 

Also,I paid for everything and even raised her daughter from another man,for eighteen years of marriage!She then blamed me for her lack of education and job experience because she wanted to stay at home!She never had to nor wanted to work at all!When she had some small one-day a week jobs,she was just getting out of the house?These were just a way to run around and get what she wanted as well.

 

Another interesting thing is that these relationships have a strange way of lasting either 18 yrs or 2 yrs ?At these points something happens to the BPD'r.

 

Bottomline is that you may or may not have a BPD'r,but if I knew you did....I would drive to where you are right now and slap you until you left her with your kids in the car with you as you sped away from her!

 

I had the good fortune to find those on here who had lived the nightmare you and I are in now.They woke me up and I will always try and help anyone I see in this mess.

 

Now,I am the strongest I have been in many,many years brother.You will never miss the controlling and negative power she has had on you (if indeed she is BPD).Good luck.

 

Sorry about the tone,I am passionate about this.

 

REVITUP

 

Thanks for the passionate post, brother. I needed that this morning. Everything you say in this resonates with me bog time, especially the blame, denial, and guilt tripping.

Posted

Sounds eerily similar to my ex wife who has been professionally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (although I never wanted to believe it). The biggest part of bpd is inexplicable mood swings and impulsivity.

Posted

Sounds eerily similar to my ex wife who has been professionally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (although I never wanted to believe it). The biggest part of bpd is inexplicable mood swings and impulsivity. I still love my wife like crazy though - as she is an extremely intelligent and hard working.

  • Author
Posted
I thought she was ASPD.

 

Is there any way of proving diagnosis?

 

 

Yes, we could subpena her records from the therapist, but I don't know if I want to go down that road or not.....

Posted
Yes, we could subpena her records from the therapist, but I don't know if I want to go down that road or not.....

 

For the sake and safety of your kids - you NEED to subpoena any and all evidence that will keep them out of harms way (their Mother).

 

It's YOUR duty as their parent to DO EVERYTHING possible to keep them safe and protected.

  • Like 2
Posted
Yes, I feel responsible for her. But why? She could care less about anyone but herself. It's going to be hard, but it's time she got out on her own and worked on herself because I can't.

 

But still...the guilt! But imagine a year or two down the road when things have worked themselves out. Maybe then we can look back at this and know that it was the ONLY option. Too bad we don't have the crystal ball though. Thanks for the words...

 

You sound just like I did. I was married to someone with BPD for 9 years, she cared for noone but herself. I felt extremely responsible for her.

 

I have a crystal ball for you because it has been just over two years for me. It is time for her to get out on her own and you have to cut her loose. You are not responsible for her any longer. And do whatever you can to get custody of your kids, I did it... I know it can be done.

 

She will not change. Just the other night my ex was telling me how much more she appreciates her time with the kids, now that she is poor and on her own. Was she being honest or just trying to manipulate me with guilt?!? Who cares, I have my own life now. You can too!

  • Like 3
Posted
I had the good fortune to find those on here who had lived the nightmare you and I are in now.They woke me up and I will always try and help anyone I see in this mess.

 

Now,I am the strongest I have been in many,many years brother.You will never miss the controlling and negative power she has had on you (if indeed she is BPD).Good luck.

 

Sorry about the tone,I am passionate about this.

 

REVITUP

 

I wish I had found this site 2.5 years ago when I was going through everything I did with my ex-wife. You described it correctly, "controlling and negative power" It was literally a waking nightmare and I looked forward every night to the time that I could fall asleep (when I could sleep).

  • Like 1
Posted

Fall Guy,just look around,you will find more than you need.My STBXWW (left in Aug 2012) is online looking for 30 yr olds now?

 

I hadn't done any digging but now I am readying for the court system and found her profile with pictures online yesterday.

 

I tell you this because you need to know My STBXWW is BPD and she is currently acting as though she made a mistake and trying to be "civil" which is only another lie.They will lie to you as they send pictures of themselves to other men!

 

You are right to run and you are not gonna be sorry,if your W is indeed BPD.It will save the rest of your life from ruin and add LIFE to your years!

 

REVITUP

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

OMGosh! She is a few sandwiches short of a picnic! You need to get a divorce, but before you do, you need to DOCUMENT everything!!!! Because the only thing more important, is getting those kids away from her! And you need to have everything documented to ensure you receive full/primary custody! Good luck!

  • Like 1
Posted

There can only be guilt if you left while she was doing her damnest to at least seek help and start the process of healing herself.

There can always be reconciliation after the divorce is final but if she's not getting help then unfortunately for you and your kids (They are most important here) you are going to have the cut her loose

Posted

I've been dealing with this crap for 23 damned years. Thank God for the Internet, LoveShack, because if not? I'd would probally be struggling to try and understand it for another 23 years.

 

I've also been dealing with "Parental Alienation" and am just about to the point of throwing in tha' towel. An individual can only take so much.

 

But now via my friends here at LoveShack I have come to understand that the XHEX has narcissistic personality disorder. That goes hand in hand with Parental Alienation.

 

Parental alienation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

GUESTBOOK - Parental Alienation is Real

 

You wold be wise to educate yourself on the various forms of personality disorders:

 

Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Histrionic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Dependent personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Passive-aggressive behavior - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Sadistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Self-defeating personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

As it is possible for any one given individual to have more than or symptoms of just one?

 

You would then take this information and seek professional guidance, to further clarify, comprehend and understand.

 

"All the World is a stage!" it has been said and people with personality disorders thrive upon and feed off of their chosen audiences ~ most often than not their family ~ to include their spouse and children ~ thus in turn? Turning their lives into turmoil ~ hate, discontent, misery. And in the course of time making them ~ themselves question their own sanity.

 

Personality disorder types are just one step below from being certifiably insane and worthy of being institutionalized.

 

They are "Emotional Vampire" ~ parasites that feed off the emotional turmoil they create out of nothing and "either" (In the 1700 and 1800's the word either was used to describe an indefinable something that was nothing. Modern physics refers to it as "Dark Matter" BTW)

 

Personality Disorder Types (PDT's) feed off the perpetual "emotional flux" that they create. As I said they are "Emotional Vampires" They will suck you in and suck the very life out of you if you are unaware and let them.

 

Per the children ~ if you don't get a handle on this damn quick and in a hurry like? They themselves will be damaged. I would suggest you read:

 

Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce: Sandra Blakeslee, Judith Wallerstein: 9780618446896: Amazon.com: Books

 

and

 

"Growing Up Divorced"

 

Amazon.com: Growing Up Divorce: Books

 

(I posted the Goggle search result page rather than the individual book page because there seemed to be several other good titles on the same subject listed!)

 

There is this iconic projection proliferated by the media as to way Life is suppose to be and as to how marriage is suppose to be? And when your average Joe Smucketelle falls short of that we find ourselves in a World of Hurt of despair, depression.

 

The TV show "Leave It To Beaver" is such ~ as is other such television and movies?

 

The truth of the matter is? Here in tha' real America? When it comes to "Leave It To Beaver?"

 

Ward? He was more than likely a stressed out lawyer that was a closet drunk, that occasionally came home and beat June from time to time when he tied one on?

 

June? She was stressed trying to be the picture perfect Mom and wife, and failing miserably at it. Hiding the fact from the World what really went on behind closed doors. She had sexual fantasies about the 18 year old bag boy at the A&P grocery store, and if the right man came along? Would leave the "Bev" and Walley behind in a heart beat.

 

Wally? He's Gay! And is having sex with his best friend out behind the garage.

 

The Bev? Secretly he's smoking pot with his friends down the street.

 

Of first time marriages? Slightly over half end up in divorce. Of the other 48% ~ they're hanging in there and on because of societal, cultural, religious, family pressures ~ influences etc. Or just for the status quo ~ "What would the neighbors think of us?"

 

Or its because of the children, or because of finances? Bottom line? They're not happy! They slipped into marital anthropy!

 

But there is that 13% that claim to be "Happily Married" throughout the course of their lives together! Perfectly content and happy!

 

Just enough to make any and all of the rest us to belive that if we just try, just work at it just________________________

 

We to! Can be just like them!

 

Last the reason this is so damned hard on you? Is because you innocently got sucked in and became emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally co-dependent upon her. So much so that you've lost your objectivity and you can only see your situation subjectivity? She's doing the same thing and/or will do the same things to your children, and any and everyone in your life.

 

Vampires need fresh blood to thrive off of!

 

Your job and mission is to regain your objectivity damn quick, fast and in a hurry like, get off of your azz, get your head out of your azz, get your head and azz wired backed together,

 

RESUCE those children before any more damage than what has already been done to them!

 

The short answer is ~

 

Its time to snap out of your cheap s**t and get it together there Slick! Your own personal pity-party, feelings, and emotions are going to have to wait!

 

You've got to "Man-up" and attend to the situation that is at hand.

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