Elayna Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hey first time posting i hope this makes sense. I have been dating this guy for over a year and am living with him. He is great, says that he loves me, wants to be with me, and will try anything to make sure that our relationship works. He is even going to see a psychologist to talk about his issues. The problem is he is not turned on by me, he likes girls with big curves, and a little weight on them. I'm the opposite i'm skinny and tall. I've been working out because he said muscle tone turnes him on. Our sex life is almost boring, and he is never into it really. He is silent and always has his eyes shut. He even told me that he sometimes fantasizes about other women when we sleep together. He also said he is worried about later on in life when hes old and worried he'll hit on younger girls because he is rich and they are hot. These things he tells me because he wants to be truthful, but honestly they hurt my heart, self confidence and makes me not want to do anything sexual with him. I love him and know there is more to a relationship than sex, but I do not know if this is something i should stick around for, or if it will only get worse from here on out. Please help thanks
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 He also said he is worried about later on in life when hes old and worried he'll hit on younger girls because he is rich and they are hot You do know that means he's actually doing it now, right? How big of a sign do you need? Go. 2
KraftDinner Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 To be perfectly frank, it will only get worse. Honesty is good, but there is a line where it crosses into manipulation or just plain being a dick. There's nothing wrong with working out but doing it on the off chance it'll make your bf actually attracted to you is ridiculous. So he's admitted he thinks about other chicks, will likely cheat and doesn't find you attractive. No, sex isn't everything but there NEEDS to be basic attraction for both parties. I'm sorry, this sounds like a losing game. 6
MidwestUSA Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It will only get worse, and it sounds dreadful right now. Yikes. Closed eyes during sex, eeeeeewwww! Agree, if he's not living out those fantasies right now, he will in the future. He's telling you what you need to know, take it and run. 2
Author Elayna Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 hey thanks for responding i'm just so confused about this relationship and need someone to talk to who is not my friend because they just try to make me feel better. So thankyou
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Leave! Please, please leave. Sex isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, but without basic sexual attraction, all you have is a platonic friendship, not a romantic relationship, and certainly not a stable, healthy one. Sex sounds like a chore for him--he has to close his eyes and fantasize about others while being intimate with you. I can only imagine how that makes you feel. Not good, I'm sure. If you continue with this, your self-esteem will land in the toilet, if it isn't already there with this behavior. You are likely to be devastated when he finally strays, as he has warned you may (translation: will) happen. Sticking it out and struggling to make this work is a dreadful mistake IMO. Please cut your losses and move on. There are guys out there who will find you sexually irresistible while also being able to meet your other relationship needs. You deserve to be in a mutually satisfying relationship. You need to be with someone who makes you feel complete and whole as you are right now. Like a woman...like the sexual, attractive woman that you at this moment. He's not it.
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I've had this happen. When a guy tells you that physically you are not enough or not right for him, it means one of two things probably.... 1) You are not enough for him. (He will keep looking.) 2) It's manipulation designed to make you feel that you are not enough, so that you will not cross him and what he wants. You can decide how to deal with the information. If you want to experiment, try telling him something similar that you can come up with... (ie. "Well I'm actually more attracted to taller/shorter guys...") It won't end well. Guys who are truly in love don't think like that. I think even the males here would agree with me on this... 2
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Leave! Please, please leave. Sex sounds like a chore for him--he has to close his eyes and fantasize about others while being intimate with you. I highly suspect that is what happened in my last relationship.
Crila16 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Great guy? What? Seriously? You really think this guy is a great guy? He doesn't sound that great at all. He's mean, he's emotionally abusive and it's all under the guise of him saying he's being truthful with you. No...he's being hurtful. If you ever feel insecure about yourself, or less adequate or feel that you need to change for someone...it's call an abusive relationship. This is an emotionally abusive relationship. He's not attracted to you, but you should be lucky he's staying with you is what he's actually saying. Oh please. Let me tell you something, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you in the slightest. He's the insecure one...and sex is boring, because HE'S boring and uncreative and insecure in bed and he's flipped it onto you. If my boyfriend EVER told me he wasn't attracted to me...I'd kick him out of my life. I've just never heard of a man staying with a woman they're not attracted to, especially one they've only been with for 1 year. The big red siren is going off and you're ignoring it. Run away now. I don't like this creep. 2
Object_a Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 You say the guy has issues, and that can seriously mess with a guy's libido and ability to perform. But if he needs to see a psychologist about this it's likely to be very deep rooted and probably won't change. Understand that he is (probably) not a bad person but he is also not going to give you what you need either, and you should think about moving on.
Flier Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He is being cruel to you! There are sensitive kind men out there.
Noproblem Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Just leave and never look back You shouldn't feel less worthy of yourself in a relationship if he likes curvy women he can get them, you'll fine people who appreciate you and your body
SuperGeek Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I suspect he might be gay. Either way, you can't change a man to be who you want him to be. He can't change you to be the way he 'wants' you to be. If you don't like working out, then don't do it. Work out for you and only you, not for him. Be yourself and if that isn't enough, stop dating him. We all have to compromise a little in relationships, but there comes a point where too much change is literally changing who you are and that isn't sustainable in my view. I learned this lesson THE HARD WAY. Don't make my mistake. I tried to change my ex to be the way I wanted her to be and she ended up trying to live a lifestyle that she didn't even want to live. After a few years she realized it. I have realized it, learned from it (painfully so), and I won't do this again next time. SuperGeek
Author Elayna Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 thanks, because he tells me all men are like him they just won't tell the truth like he does with me.
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