MelindaM Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hi All, this is the first time I have posted here. But I need some outside perspective, because I just don't know what to think. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We are both 33. We do not live together but are very much a couple and have discussed the the fact that we see a real future in our relationship. He is really good to me, listens to me, is reliable and affectionate and makes the effort to spend quality time with me, despite being busy with work. My problem is, I have this deep gut feeling that he sleeps with other women when he gets the chance. He is an attractive man and very confident. He has admitted to being quite a player and very successful with the ladies when he was single. I don't think he is having an affair or seeing one person in particular. Just that he will sleep with girls if he is away on business or on holiday without me. I have to say that this feeling of insecurity is NOT like me. I have never suspected a boyfriend of cheating before. It's just with him. Because I am feeling suspicious, I have started looking out for evidence. I checked his phone once and his facebook account, which I am ashamed of. I didn't really find anything incriminating. He got messages from women that he has obviously hooked up with in the past, asking him to meet up and he very politely said no to all of them. However, I know from his texts that last month, he met up with a woman that he used to sleep with. It didn't seem flirtatious from the tone of the messages. Just that they met up for a drink. However, she then sent him another text and asked him to go to an "erotic" show with her. He politely declined and said he was busy. So my snooping didn't really uncover any evidence of infidelity. Just a drink with a woman that he didn't tell me about. Then this weekend, he came home from a weeks holiday with friends. Before he went away, I helped him pack and saw that there was one condom in his washbag. I didn't think anything of it because we use condoms together. Then this weekend when he got back, his washbag was open in the bathroom and I saw three condoms. One was a different brand to the ones we use together. Later that day, the condom with the different brand had been taken out of the washbag, leaving only two. This has made me really start thinking.... What is the vibe that you guys get from this? I repeat that he is lovely, not acting wierd or distant. Our sex life is good and we are connecting and communicating reguarly. I have never felt this feeling of being cheated on with any other partner. I don't want to bring this up with him as I am not sure if I am being paranoid or if It's my intuition telling me that I am being cheated on.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I am being paranoid or if It's my intuition telling me that I am being cheated on Honestly, chicks make me chuckle. Intuition? What exactly does that word mean to you? You have actual evidence. That is not intuition. Your gut or extra sensory perception or a voice in the back of youre head isn't coming out of nowhere to tell you he is cheating. You have physical circumstantial evidence. This didn't come to you in a vision, you saw it with your own eyes. And it sounds like its going to take your own eyes seeing him drilling a chick to get the message across that he is cheating.
Author MelindaM Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Honestly, chicks make me chuckle. Intuition? What exactly does that word mean to you? You have actual evidence. That is not intuition. Your gut or extra sensory perception or a voice in the back of youre head isn't coming out of nowhere to tell you he is cheating. You have physical circumstantial evidence. This didn't come to you in a vision, you saw it with your own eyes. And it sounds like its going to take your own eyes seeing him drilling a chick to get the message across that he is cheating. Thanks for your reply Whatyouwanttohear. What is the actual evidence? The condoms? I am well aware that it doesn't look good. But at the same time, he has condoms around the place, because he used them before he met me and we use them together. I am reluctant to start accusing him of cheating when this is the only circumstantial evidence I have. I guess what throws me off is that he gets offers from girls via text and FB an he has been turning them all down. That's what confuses me.
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'd drop him. Because the fact that he "used to be" a player means that if you marry this guy and things get difficult, he will be more likely than others to cheat. A man doesn't act like that unless he has a high sex drive and tires of women quickly. Granted he uses condoms, but condoms do break and this means he is a high risk for picking up some disease, as well as for cheating. Suppose you two have a falling out and take some time for thinking things over? You know what he will be doing during that time... I doubt that kind of person can give up that behavior so easily. As well, "playing" is selfish behavior and a person who does that has other selfish traits. Unless you're really desperate for a boyfriend, I wouldn't keep him based on his past alone. With what you've found, I'm even more sure you should drop him. Just my opinion.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Like I said, you have circumstantial evidence. A bloody glove isn't proof of a crime, but its enough to go asking questions... That is if you want to honestly know answers. I'm not convinced you do. Suppose he is cheating with random chicks he doesn't care about--just sex, then what? If that's true will you leave him? I'm not convinced that you will--and that's not a negative judgement of you. Maybe you have different sexual needs. Maybe you are comfortable being the only one he loves but one of many he bangs. There are people like that. You have the absolute right to ask him questions about this. Just make sure that you want to know the answers and that the answers will make a difference in your decision to be with him.
KathyM Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 The fact that he went for a drink with a past lover AND that he came home with more condoms than he left with should be reason enough to doubt his fidelity. Why did he even bring any condoms with him on the trip anyway? He was obviously planning to use them on someone. You should let this ladies' man go and be who he is without dragging you along for the "ride". He's not boyfriend material. I don't get why these players can't just be honest with themselves and not try to pretend they are someone that they are not, and stop stringing women along under the false pretense of a monogamous relationship. While some players do want to willingly give up that lifestyle and decide that monogamy is more fulfilling and meaningful, there are those who never change. Looks like your boyfriend is the type of player who isn't going to change anytime soon.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 The condoms are almost always a dead giveaway. I agree with Kathy. Why would he need to bring them in the first place?
loversquarrel Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Oh-kay....read your post over and over again until you comprehend it. He left with a condom and came back with more and of different varieties (other than what he uses with you, no less). He meets up with a woman he used to bang for a drink, and you found out how? (he didn't tell you) He tells you more about his past than is necessary (he used to be a player and has been successful with many women) - Why oh why is this necessary to divulge? (ok, while this isn't evidence it does suggest a certain behavior pattern along with a subliminal warning). Just because he has said "no thanks" a few times, he didn't on at least one occasion you know of (remember, the girl he met for a drink?). He keeps all these women he has been with as FB friends? And they regularly ask to hang out with him? Looks more to me like a stable. (these women may not even realize you exist) Take it from a guy who has many friends that are "players". You better get used to this guy liking the idea of a relationship rather than the relationship with you.
chelsea2011 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Thanks for your reply Whatyouwanttohear. What is the actual evidence? The condoms? I am well aware that it doesn't look good. But at the same time, he has condoms around the place, because he used them before he met me and we use them together. I am reluctant to start accusing him of cheating when this is the only circumstantial evidence I have. I guess what throws me off is that he gets offers from girls via text and FB an he has been turning them all down. That's what confuses me. Umm...if you are in an exclusive relationship with him he should NOT be getting other offers at all. He should have made it clear he s off the mrket period. Don't ignore your gut because it sounds like he enjoys the attention and that makes him a risk. Women have natural intuition and you should never ever disregard it. I would talk to him about the condoms if I were you and expect total honesty. If he gets defensive then you have your answer...he's probably cheating.
sabre80 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I was about to say you are over-reacting till I read the bit about the condoms. That's pretty suspect.
Joaquin Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My guess would be he will head for the hills if u tackle him about it all. I thought the drinking with a previous lay and lying to u (by ommission) was sneaky enough. Condoms are a bit of a give away really. If I saw a pack of condoms in my gf stuff after a holiday i wasnt on it would be a MASSIVE red flag. In fact, the red flag would become a red card.
WhoreyBull Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I was about to say you are over-reacting till I read the bit about the condoms. That's pretty suspect. I felt this way exactly. He is probably being his idea of "polite" by not cheating with you [a lot..?] when he is in town. But when he's gone it's play time.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 There's no basis for a R since he isn't earning your trust. That's enough for me to end it. 1
DC4 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I was about to say you are over-reacting till I read the bit about the condoms. That's pretty suspect. I had the exact same reaction. I can rationalize almost anything because I hate to admit to myself I'm being taken for a fool-but even I can't get past that one.
reaver Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) Melinda, Anytime a guy admits having a past of being a player, run for the hills. The only time Id make an exception is if he did this while in highschool/college and made it very obvious he wasnt like that now. It is honestly not worth the risk. Very few guys who are a player as an adult can turn themselves around and be happily faithful in a long term relationship. I will get massacred for saying this but I have never met a reformed manwhore who is happily married for a long period of time. They might be happy in the beginning so for short term relationships they can reform, but later on in long term relationships they always miss their sexcapades. I thought I had met one true reformed manwhore...my cousins husband was wonderful to her the first 4 years of marriage. I thought he was going to be an exception. Now the "I miss the thrill of casual sex" comments are finally coming out and my cousin seems upset...I was not surprised at all and I dont blame her for being upset. Edited April 12, 2013 by reaver
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