waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My depression has taken me over in the last few weeks. Change in meds but also feeling rough due to bad cold and ear infection. Culminated in my ruining most of the weekend or myself by overthinking, and spoiling yesterday for H by ripping into him, twice. I wish I could control myself. It just ends up with my feeling worse and full of regrets, drives a wedge between us and making H feel bad too. Pointless and counterproductive. He is remorseful and guilty and everytime it just reminds him that he isn't 100% the good man he thought he was. Anyway, to cut a long story short I got hung up on how he felt for OW. To be honest in my worst moments I want him to hate her. I want him to vindicate my feelings by sharing them. I want him to look at the pain they have caused me and be angry, not just with himself, but with her too. If someone external caused him as much pain as she has caused me I'd be spitting feathers! Why can't he? But it's OK, I know why he can't. It's absurd to expect it. He has more or less reached indifference towards her, even during the A he still loved me and would never have chosen her instead. Why isnt it enough? At one point I said that I thought I understood why he cared for her, she was young and pretty and she worshipped the ground he walked on. He replied that the reason he loved her was that she was worthy of love, no other reason. But he never compared, he never stopped loving me. We agreed that in an ideal world it would be OK to love more than one person at once but humans (well this one anyway) being what they are, it isn't possible. Hence, once I found out, bye bye OW. I am stuck. He loved someone else. That hurts. But he loved her because of who she was and not because of who I wasn't. He didn't mess up our lives because he fancied a leg over. He didn't do it because our marriage was dead but he was too scared to get out of it. Ughhh! I don't know. I also don't know why I am still turning all this over in my head 9 months down the line. I wish I could take my brain out and SCRUB it! 1
where to start Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I wish I could take my brain out and SCRUB it! I'm with you on this one... I am very new to the whole idea of living with the knowledge my spouse had an affair. The thought that somehow the man I love isn't who he's portrayed himself to be all these years is daunting. When I read your post I feel hopeful. I can only hope that we can get to the same point of understand and communication that you have. To hear that he loved her must have been painful. I feel that if my husband admitted that to me it would sting, but at least I would know he wasn't some dirty guy looking for some a** on the side. I know it doesn't make it better, but it makes him sound like a man with a conscience and a soul...and oddly it gives me hope. Thank you for that. 1
Author waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I know it doesn't make it better, but it makes him sound like a man with a conscience and a soul...and oddly it gives me hope. Thank you for that. You're welcome. I am glad it helps you x Yes he is a man with a conscience and a soul (mostly!). Doesn't always help though I'd prefer to be able to just hate him at times. I guess we all want to be special and the only one to our partners - I might be special, and I might be the one he chose to stay with but I am/was not the only one. Hey ho, onwards and upwards.
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 WW Your H sounds as if he is truly remorseful and really wants to be with you. It is also good that he is not down-playing how he felt during the affair. He needs to be honest with you. Also if he were to feel hate or anger for the exOW then that would, IMO, be cause for concern. That would mean there was still some level of emotional investment (not the word I want, but you know what I mean) in her. Indifference is a good place to be. It means she has no hold over him and that she does not matter to him. 8
Author waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 WW Also if he were to feel hate or anger for the exOW then that would, IMO, be cause for concern. That would mean there was still some level of emotional investment (not the word I want, but you know what I mean) in her. Indifference is a good place to be. It means she has no hold over him and that she does not matter to him. I know anne I know. When i am in my sane mind I agree with you. She isn't a hateful person - she's actually quite nice really. But boy do I hate her from time to time - or at least what she represents. I know my response is childish and spiteful but hell, I guess I am allowed to be from time to time. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My depression has taken me over in the last few weeks. Change in meds but also feeling rough due to bad cold and ear infection. Culminated in my ruining most of the weekend or myself by overthinking, and spoiling yesterday for H by ripping into him, twice. I wish I could control myself. It just ends up with my feeling worse and full of regrets, drives a wedge between us and making H feel bad too. Pointless and counterproductive. He is remorseful and guilty and everytime it just reminds him that he isn't 100% the good man he thought he was. Anyway, to cut a long story short I got hung up on how he felt for OW. To be honest in my worst moments I want him to hate her. I want him to vindicate my feelings by sharing them. I want him to look at the pain they have caused me and be angry, not just with himself, but with her too. If someone external caused him as much pain as she has caused me I'd be spitting feathers! Why can't he? But it's OK, I know why he can't. It's absurd to expect it. He has more or less reached indifference towards her, even during the A he still loved me and would never have chosen her instead. Why isnt it enough? At one point I said that I thought I understood why he cared for her, she was young and pretty and she worshipped the ground he walked on. He replied that the reason he loved her was that she was worthy of love, no other reason. But he never compared, he never stopped loving me. We agreed that in an ideal world it would be OK to love more than one person at once but humans (well this one anyway) being what they are, it isn't possible. Hence, once I found out, bye bye OW. I am stuck. He loved someone else. That hurts. But he loved her because of who she was and not because of who I wasn't. He didn't mess up our lives because he fancied a leg over. He didn't do it because our marriage was dead but he was too scared to get out of it. Ughhh! I don't know. I also don't know why I am still turning all this over in my head 9 months down the line. I wish I could take my brain out and SCRUB it! WW, I think you are right on schedule for the anger stage...and it's ok. I thought my H too loved his OW. I know he cared for her. And yes, I too wanted him to hate her, blah, blah, blah....and I often wished for a brain-scrubbing if not a full lobotomy, so I could stop my thoughts. In time, I hope you realize it had less to do with you, and less to do with her, than it had to do with him..... And I hope he figures out his why, for your sake and for his. There are two schools of thought regarding the affair: One is the romantic view as so espoused around here. One is the vulnerability view as in something missing within the cheater he found another person to complete. Admiration? Flattery? Being made to feel important? Did he need to rescue her from her abusive H? What dynamic was being played out here for him? We are attracted to others for a reason. What is his reason and why did he risk you and all for a feeling? Please do not allow him, and yourself, to adopt the superficial romantic reasons. Please work hard together to discover the WHY. It is the only way to feel reassured that strong boundaries are in place for the future. 3
Steadfast Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Your suffering, mental questions and reality is a prime example of why I consider infidelity a one-drop stop. A marriage is only innocent once. Even if it's rebuilt and made stronger, the scars and cracks show. Some people don't care about having a 'pristine' marriage (if there is such a thing) what's important is staying together. A family intact. Still, like someone who is cheated and dumped this is your life. Not the life you expected. Maybe it would help if you followed what many successful couples do; start a big project together, like a business, or a restoration. Something you can do together that makes your time together more than just existing. Moving past this might mean rising above it together. To give perspective. Or you can leave him. But! If he didn't want you, chances are he wouldn't be there. Make sure he does. Not by his words, but his actions. 3
Author waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 One is the vulnerability view as in something missing within the cheater he found another person to complete. Admiration? Flattery? Being made to feel important? Did he need to rescue her from her abusive H? What dynamic was being played out here for him? . Thank you spark. He was her KISA. I had got so used to being strong that he didn't know how to rescue me when I needed it (and boy did I need it last year - my depression got so low I had suicidal ideation and I took to walking the dog across the m-way bridge so I could get used to the idea of jumping). But he didn't appear to care so I dealt with it my way and jeez it was hard. Meanwhile she was showing him the blades she used to cut herself with as if they were holy relics and he was treating her like some martyred saint As to the whys and wherefores..... life is too short to go into them here. FOO issues by the bucketload. I wish he'd sort them out - he thinks he has but he hasn't. 1
SoleMate Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 To hear that he loved her must have been painful. I feel that if my husband admitted that to me it would sting, but at least I would know he wasn't some dirty guy looking for some a** on the side. I know it doesn't make it better, but it makes him sound like a man with a conscience and a soul...and oddly it gives me hope. Very interesting and unusual comment, where. I've often wondered about that aspect. Here's a general question, not for you specifically: The BW hurts from the betrayal, but isn't it also painful to know that the WH may have taken advantage of someone, lied to a young and naive woman, abused her emotionally, treated her very badly? (*) After all, in any other case, if you learned your H has treated some third party shabbily you'd be embarrassed and angry. Ad if he'd acted with great cruelty, that would show you a very disturbing side of him. (*) Of course this pattern applies to only some affairs, not all. 2
Spark1111 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Very interesting and unusual comment, where. I've often wondered about that aspect. Here's a general question, not for you specifically: The BW hurts from the betrayal, but isn't it also painful to know that the WH may have taken advantage of someone, lied to a young and naive woman, abused her emotionally, treated her very badly? (*) After all, in any other case, if you learned your H has treated some third party shabbily you'd be embarrassed and angry. Ad if he'd acted with great cruelty, that would show you a very disturbing side of him. (*) Of course this pattern applies to only some affairs, not all. Very valid points. I think affairs, by their very nature, are very usurious relationships. I use you, you use me, we call it love, and we will both be whatever the other needs us to be to fulfill an unmet need. WHY? WHAT is that need? And why do we suspend judgement, rational thought and risk so much for a feeling? 3
Spark1111 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Thank you spark. He was her KISA. I had got so used to being strong that he didn't know how to rescue me when I needed it (and boy did I need it last year - my depression got so low I had suicidal ideation and I took to walking the dog across the m-way bridge so I could get used to the idea of jumping). But he didn't appear to care so I dealt with it my way and jeez it was hard. Meanwhile she was showing him the blades she used to cut herself with as if they were holy relics and he was treating her like some martyred saint As to the whys and wherefores..... life is too short to go into them here. FOO issues by the bucketload. I wish he'd sort them out - he thinks he has but he hasn't. Make him. My H is a KISA too. KISA's are usually very nice guys who gain empowerment from rescuing others, when they really need to be rescuing themselves. There is a feeling or powerlessness, left over from childhood, when they NEEDED to be rescued but weren't. And stop being so damn strong. I was also, yet he had an affair with a needy drama queen who was way smarter than he was, KWIM? Let him solve your problems. Let him open the pickle jars. Let him be your KISA. Let him step up to the plate and take care of stuff and praise him when he does. You work on you for now. I read something once for couples in long-term relationships and it resonated with me: Would YOU date you today? And if you wouldn't, what would you change about yourself? Then, do it.
where to start Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Very interesting and unusual comment, where. I've often wondered about that aspect. Here's a general question, not for you specifically: The BW hurts from the betrayal, but isn't it also painful to know that the WH may have taken advantage of someone, lied to a young and naive woman, abused her emotionally, treated her very badly? (*) After all, in any other case, if you learned your H has treated some third party shabbily you'd be embarrassed and angry. Ad if he'd acted with great cruelty, that would show you a very disturbing side of him. (*) Of course this pattern applies to only some affairs, not all. I guess that is what I'm getting at. I'd like to think that in spite of his affair my husband is a good man, this is pretty much the only thing that keeps me from tossing him out. I think that if I knew that he was respectful of her and her feelings (as crazy as it sounds) it would give me greater hope then I'm currently feeling. I've read on here several scenarios where the WH says some pretty hurtful things about the AF to cover their own a**. In my opinion this would just make it worse for him. He then not only cheated on me (and jeopardized his life as he knows it), but did it with someone he thought nothing of? That would make him an even bigger jerk in my eyes. Regardless, we have yet to get to this topic of conversation as I'm still disgusted by the sound of him breathing...never mind talking. So the verdict is still out regarding our reconciliation. 1
Summer Breeze Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I know there is very little I can say here WW. I want you to know I adore you.
Author waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Thanks summer. Feeling is mutual xx
Author waterwoman Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 ladygrey - I can only go on my experience of H in the 30 years we have been together and until Jan 2012 he WAS a good man. And he has been since d-day (june 2012). But its hard to see past the 6 months in between. It's like looking at a familiar face and seeing it briefly transform into something hideous, and then change back to normal.
Author waterwoman Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Sorry, meant to add that you end up wondering if you imagined the 'hideous' face because it seems so unlikely, but of course you didn't and it haunts you. Hence needing to question and speculate and wonder all the time about that 6 month period - I still find myself doing so. I guess in time it will fade to a memory no stronger than any other traumatic event in my life.
Athens Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I agree paperangel- at first my H made the AP out to be more than she was- the further away we get from it and the more he fully understands both of their roles, the more he sees her for what she truly was- he said at first he defended her because he did not want to believe that he did what he did with someone so trampy, it was a defense mechanism to soothe himself-the more he thinks about it, the more he understands not only his role but who/what she is- 2
Spark1111 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I remember saying to my H after DDay, your AP, this woman, is the only person on the planet who would convince you, enable you, to believe betraying your wife, your family, your legacy, was a good idea. That lying to me and sneaking around with her was what a good man did... How, and why, did you think that was love? 1
SoleMate Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 A "good" man does not use and abuse other women, especially his wife. Simple, clear, and true. If everyone would just read this and think about it.... 1
Author waterwoman Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thankyou lady. Problem for me to address is whether the healing or peace will come with him or without. And whether all the angst is worth it.
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