Author Julesandvincent Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I told her I slept with 1 person after this to "get back at her" and never mentioned the other girl. She says the same thing about continually punishing her so I imagine you're both right. We have been together for most of our adult lives so this is a difficult decision but I may leave if she doesn't tell me what I want to hear, which is... She slept with him... I know I'm kinda messed up.
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 So you have not told her the full truth yet you expect her to tell you the truth. You may even leave her if she doesn't. What makes it even crazier is that it is possible that she has told you the truth. Or do you want her to have had sex with him to make you feel better about what you did? 2
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 It's possible your fully correct. She insists they only kissed/felt up. I guess it doesn't make sense to me but maybe she is being honest with me. I deal in human deception and for whatever reason I can't tell with her. Maybe your right about my intentions for her confession, but again I didn't do anything until I learned of her indiscretions......
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Either way, thank you for your perspective
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You cannot excuse what you did by blaming her for YOUR actions. YOU are definitely lying. She may be lying. YOU need to accept responsibility for the damage YOU have done to your marriage. If you want your wife to be honest with you, then YOU need to be honest with her. YOU need to tell her what YOU did. YOU need to stop being so hypocritical. YOU need to grow up. 1
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I see your point but..........I didn't cheat until she did, right? I was planning on being faithful. It's cool though I can see where you're coming from.
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You really don't get it do you. You really do not see that you have done as much wrong as her, maybe more even. I guess I am not telling you what you want to hear hence your very brief response. But I can promise you that when others see you too have been unfaithful, they will say similar things to me. 2
SoleMate Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I agree with Anne that it makes little sense to demand honesty when you're not being honest yourself. Likewise, punishing your wife for her misdeeds when you deliberately did the same as her (or worse really). Your marriage is in trouble but focussing on just one factor is not going to get you anywhere good. 1
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I'm going to offer the polygraph so I can move on. I don't want to lose her but I'm not gonna 2nd guess her authenticity. I know what kind of person I'm married to and I know she is very loyal to me, since this incident. I reacted poorly and cheated, explicitly but i thought my choices were better than just leaving her at the time. The right circumstances at bad times led us to this point and I'm capable of seeing that.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It's not an "offer" - its a demand. You need truth - she's gonna have to prove it.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 The OP also needs to prove his honesty to his wife. He is definitely deceiving her at the moment.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I will be completely honest if she asks me. I wouldn't lie about anything if I was confronted. I'm not sure she wants to know the real truth. I know she wants this marriage to work. I think she believes if she tells me anything else happened aside from she admitted to, then i will leave. i understand her fears. she is going to protect what she has....We have too much invested. It doesn't change the fact that I do want to know everything. The difference between men and women is that man will more readily admit to infidelity than his counterpart. Women are much better at concealing indiscretions... That is proven and studied sociology between the sexes. I'm not trying to convince you friend, I'm only laying out the facts. I see your point, do you see mine?
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I will be completely honest if she asks me. I wouldn't lie about anything if I was confronted Really? But she does not know that you are lying to her. You have only told her of one of your ONS. . I'm not sure she wants to know the real truth. So you are going to use this as an excuse not to tell her the truth? I know she wants this marriage to work. I think she believes if she tells me anything else happened aside from she admitted to, then i will leave. i understand her fears. she is going to protect what she has....We have too much invested. It doesn't change the fact that I do want to know everything. She is right to be worried. You have used her unfaithfulness as an excuse for you to be unfaithful with two other women. If you feel you have a right to know everything, don't you think you should respect your wife and tell her everything too? The difference between men and women is that man will more readily admit to infidelity than his counterpart. Women are much better at concealing indiscretions... That is proven and studied sociology between the sexes. And your point is? You say men are most likely to tell yet you are saying you won't tell. You are are quoting something to support your actions yet doing the complete opposite. I'm not trying to convince you friend, I'm only laying out the facts. I see your point, do you see mine? I don't think you see my point at all. You just want to hear from posters who will cheer you on for dumping your wife or getting a polygraph, ignoring your own destructive behaviours.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Which behavior occurred first, mine or hers? I will admit to anything if she asks. I volunteered the info that she has. The info I have was discovered. Wait, is this my wife?
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Wait, is this my wife? Now wouldn't that be funny if your wife caught you out on your lies here.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Well I don't know about funny but definitely meant be to then... I'm ready for a complete and utter honesty session.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 It works both ways but thank you.... Her first
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 So just your half truth then. Good luck with the continued lying to your wife. I personally am now fed up with your hypocrisy.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 You've long since sided with my wife regardless. That's okay. Don't get mad though. Take care
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 No I have not sided with your wife. I have sided with the truth.
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I will be completely honest if she asks me. I wouldn't lie about anything if I was confronted. I'm not sure she wants to know the real truth. You wouldn't try that with the IRS, would you? You're supposed to be completely honest without being asked!
NervisPervis Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Dude. Go to another site and try again. You polluted your post with an admission to your revenge ONS's. They are not related but all of the gals and mot of the guys are going to key on nothing else. You will not get any more nonjudgemental advice here. Poly seems the only way to go. SHE stepped outside of the marriage. YOU did what you needed to do to recover. 1
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Dude. Go to another site and try again. You polluted your post with an admission to your revenge ONS's. They are not related but all of the gals and mot of the guys are going to key on nothing else. You will not get any more nonjudgemental advice here. If his ONS's are not related to his wife's infidelity then that actually contradicts your later argument that they were done to aid the OP's recovery. As it is, his ONS's are entirely relevant to the future of this marriage and the so called need for the truth. As for judgemental advice, what is this then: Poly seems the only way to go. SHE stepped outside of the marriage. YOU did what you needed to do to recover. You are bascally saying it is ok for him to be unfaithful, but not her. I do wonder if this was the other way round in that the husband had been unfaithful and then the wife had two "revenge" ONS, whether she would get the same support as the OP has had from some posters. There is no justification in so called revenge ONS or affairs. It is wrong, simple as that. The OP is no worse and no better than his wife (yet apparently me saying that is being judgemental!)
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