Necris Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I think most people would struggle more with the former. Personally, if I were in your shoes, it would hurt me a lot more if it was the former. Whatever the case may be, either actions are damaging. I was just having this conversation with my sister the other day. Everyone is capable of cheating given the right situation and motives. But, everyone is also capable of not putting themselves in risky situations where there is temptation. Her husband is constantly traveling and in the company of both men and women in environments that include dinner, wine, etc., late nights, weekend trips, etc. They've had this exact conversation and my sister told her husband that if he ever found himself in a situation where there was enough temptation to cheat, she would understand. But, she has also asked that he try to remove himself first from said situation if it ever arose. Now, I don't know if that is the right approach or not, but I do think it's realistic (especially in this day and age). You can rationalize it however you choose, but at the end of the day it's on you to decide what you should do. Can you live with it, or not? Will you ever be able to trust her again? That's pretty sad when you think about it:(.
Divasu Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 That's pretty sad when you think about it:(. I know, it is.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I'm not looking for judgement or "bud" comments. I don't need condescending replies. I'm looking for outside viewpoints. Not being a smartass just looking for what you would believed happened if your wife(if you're married) did/said this?
Droplet Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 There is no way for us to tell, it's probable but at the end of the day, if you have self-respect, the consequence should be the same... She betrayed you, which means she does not respect you nor love you as much as you do and she is not relationship material. Forgiving her right away will inevitably end up in more cheating on her part since she got away with it the first time.
dichotomy Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) This should probably be in the infidelity forum, but lets get one thing straight she did cheat on you. You don't need intercourse for that to be true. Secondly you will never know for sure what happened, if she went further because she is going to lie to protect herself. You could hack into her email or other internet accounts, but we are talking many years ago now, and the trail has gone cold likely. You could confront the other guy, threaten to tell his wife unless he comes clean - but he is going to lie as well. I understand completely you want to know the TRUTH - it has been a personal crusade and obsession for parts of my life - but you are unlikely to ever know. All I can say is you know your wife best, and the circumstances, and you will have to come to some deducted truth for yourself and then deal with it. Edited April 2, 2013 by dichotomy
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I don't want pity I'm really looking for general popular opinion.... Thanks for your input. I had forgiven her and moved forward long ago but recently have been sparked to believe I was only seeing what I wanted. If she had intercourse I'm done
Mack05 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Dude you are seeing what you want to see. The bottom line is she cheated. He didn't take advantage of her. She turned up at a car parking lot at 2:30 in the morning because she wanted to be there. What do you think she went for? Milk and Cookies? You stated above that he stopped it. What would have happened if he didn't? The bottom line is the intent was there. She cheated. You need to deal with this once and for all. Maybe try marriage counselling. You either move past this and forgive her, or you leave the marriage. You can't keep bringing old wounds up. It will slowly destroy all the good in the marriage. Either let this go it let her go. If it were me, I would go through counselling and see where we stood it the end of it. Your wife is very young, maybe she feels she has been missing out. How can you really trust her going forward?Lots to think of but only you can make the final decision..
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It's not my place to say this. But, be reasnoble..... Why would you ruin everything over one mistake If she is good to you, and you love her...... Chances are it's going to be hard to move on and find another woman that will make you feel the same. 1
Thunderchild Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 2005 I was deployed overseas. I married my fiancée for more benefits wile deployed.... we late had a formal wedding once I came home........We had been together almost a year. She slept with only one guy in college about 10 times and this was all behind her high school boyfriends back whom attended the same college... He never knew she slept with this other guy that he did know.....She told me this when we met. She grew up religious and obviously was not promiscuous having only 1 partner. When I deployed she met a person with some community power. She was 22 and he was 36. I found out through an inadvertent email while I was in combat that she was "talking" to this guy. I called her/confronted her and she said they met a couple times and only kissed once in his vehicle. I asked for details.... She said they met in an old parking lot at 230 in the morning and he started kissing her. She admitted that he felt her up rubbing her crotch. She said that she rubbed his penis on the outside of his pants but no genitals were ever exposed. She denies they went any further saying no oral and no sex....... This guy was married with kids at the time and she claims that he stopped and they parted ways but didn't say why they stopped making out and heavy petting....... It came up recently (last week) several years after we had moved on and I now believe they may have had sex? She claims they never did but I think she doesn't want to lose me so she is sticking to her story...... Considering the circumstances here, what do you think?..... ???????? [COLOR=#000000][COLOR=#000000]Share[/COLOR][/COLOR] The default setting for a cheater is "Denial" - it's a defence mechanism to protect themselves (it's all about them....again). When they get caught/'fess up they attempt to minimise the "damage" and, hence, consequences to them (it's all about them....again). If you think that she has had sex with this customer, confront her and make her swear on a Bible!
NervisPervis Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It could have been a one time thing, just like she said. After-all, as soon as it happened she came running to you in tears feeling TERRIBLE about it and apologizing and swearing it will never happen again. Wait...what's that? Oh, right. I forgot. She got CAUGHT then gave you the standard cheaters script of admitting to only what she had to to get away with it. That's a different story. You'll NEVER know w/out a lie detector. Never. So all you've got is history on how the cheaters script usually plays out. And we ALL know how that plays out a huge % of the time, don't we. And as an addition, they didn't meet up at the dark parking lot at 2:30 by coinky-dink. They met up for sex. HE might have cut it off when HIS morals got in the way. But the only reason (she claims) they DIDN'T have sex wasn't because SHE didn't want it, right? HE cut it off. And if SHE wants sex, she'll find it while huybby is 10,000 miles away, don't you think? You want opinions? OK. She screwed him. Maybe not in the CVS parking lot, but somewhere else. Some time. A wife and kids isn't going to keep this "leader of the community" away from his little 22 year old cupcake for long. He, after-all, went to that parking lot too. No kids? That makes it a TON easier. 1
Bryanp Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Why would a powerful 36 year old male who has been feeling up and touching her genitals in the back seat of a car stop? You know the chances are great that they probably had intercourse. The so-called powerful guy is 36 and not in high school. I would suggest that you come up with about $500 and schedule a polygraph and you will get the truth. Your wife is in damage control and is trying to minimize it. She was feeling his genitals and he was feeling her genitals so why would he stop? It does not make sense. 1
NervisPervis Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It does not make sense. It really doesn't. And you probably won't even need the poly. The reaction to the proposal itself will tell you a lot.
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 She said she got in his truck and he started kissing her in the front seat. She said he then started feeling her up to include her vagina(outer clothing). She said she only rubbed his penis on the outside of his pants and no clothes came off or down during this session...The aspect I question is why they would just stop kissing and groping when they were in an empty dark parking lot and probably aroused...I don't buy that. It seems more likely this resulted in oral or outright intercourse....
SoleMate Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It's definitely POSSIBLE that the episode occurred exactly as she described. The story would be more credible if she gave a plausible reason for or description of how the episode ended. After all, once Office Donuthole had her in his truck, I really don't think he'd have a change of heart on his own. It would make sense that your wife would be stunned and wake up to what she was doing or allowing and call a halt. But if it had happened that way, she would probably have told you so. So I'd say the preponderance of the evidence is that they went farther. I'm baffled/disturbed by your images of legs bending, enjoyment, banging etc. Would a sex act performed with rigid posture,no enjoyment for either of them and only the slightest motion be somehow more acceptable? Were you entirely faithful while deployed? 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 She said she got in his truck and he started kissing her in the front seat. She said he then started feeling her up to include her vagina(outer clothing). She said she only rubbed his penis on the outside of his pants and no clothes came off or down during this session...The aspect I question is why they would just stop kissing and groping when they were in an empty dark parking lot and probably aroused...I don't buy that. It seems more likely this resulted in oral or outright intercourse.... And then her parents came down the stairs and she pulled her shirt back down.... wait, that's junior high school. Why would they stop? They wouldn't. I'm not buying it either. Two adults in a car at 2:30 in a parking lot groping each other and they stop at outer clothing? It's possible but not probable. Why would she be there in the first place? Why didn't she slap him? Simple answer: because she wanted to be there with him. Typical lies from the cheater's manual: "we only met a few times", "we only kissed once", blah blah "we kept our clothes on".... "the sex wasn't that great"... "he had a small penis".... 2
CarrieT Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I am willing to bet that a lot more happened than she is admitting to... She is telling you the bare minimum of what she thinks will hurt. She is probably lying to you and giving what is known as "trickle truth." Find the guy and ask him what happened or, just resign yourself to the fact that you are married to a cheater who will likely do it again now that she knows what she can get away with. Sounds like she is way too young to be married and you might be better off without her.
Chi townD Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Couple of rules of thumbs. 1. A cheater will only admit to what you can prove. 2. A cheater will only admit the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is. 2
Darren Steez Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 A man's primal urge is to copulate. He's manipulated the situation so that he's finally got her alone, they kiss, she ALLOWS him to rub her she reciprocates by touching him as well. A man's primal urge is to reproduce. I bet you've been there before fella, you're with a girl getting all hot and heavy, key point is you know she will give you sex, are you going to stop? Here's the chain of events. They meet, there's attraction, there's flirting, there's suggestions/invitations of sex (it doesn't have to outright let's have sex but way more gentle, playful suggestions), there's an acceptance of that invitation (a tacit understanding by both parties that if one makes a move that it will be accepted) I should mention that this is happening while she's still with you..out of sight out of mind.. So do you really think if man has sole purpose of grooming the female for sex, that once he has achieved his goal of getting her alone and is actually engaged in foreplay that he stops? This excuse goes right up there with, it wasn't good sex, he's wasn't that big, I didn't orgasm etc. It's called minimizing. Unfortunately for you, you will never know what really happened unless she takes a polygraph and put your mind at ease once and for all. 2
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 "2long" your response does nothing"Solemate" I was completely faithful wherever I was before this happened. Once I found out I had revenge sex out spite. I felt like I needed to level the playing field. The following months I had 2 one night stands and never saw or spoke to those women again. Probably not the right thing to do but I was looking for some comfort... Thanks for all the responses
Jonah Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I think you are stirring up drama because you have nothing more intelligent to talk about. Instead plan a vacation. What is your point? Are you perfect? Keep pushing... She'll find affection elsewhere.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Thus the conundrum I guess I am looking for a answer that I can never find Have her take a polygraph.
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 "2long" your response does nothing"Solemate" I was completely faithful wherever I was before this happened. Once I found out I had revenge sex out spite. I felt like I needed to level the playing field. The following months I had 2 one night stands and never saw or spoke to those women again. Probably not the right thing to do but I was looking for some comfort... Thanks for all the responses On the basis of the above, what difference does it make if your wife had sex with this man or not? You have since had sex with two other women. You are no better than her. And no, definitely not the right thing to do. 1
Author Julesandvincent Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Anne. I suppose you're right about me.... but I would not have done this if she never met this this guy. I am 99.7% she has never done this since and she loves me and doesn't want to lose me I know. I just can't get over my ego. I have been a good husband and even better father... I had let it go and now it came up 8 years later. Maybe I have the issue but it doesn't change the fact that she hooked up with this guy when I was overseas....she is very attractive and she was young and vulnerable at the time but I can't get over it....
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You cannot hold this over her. You cannot continue to punish her for something you have also done. Does she know about your own lack of fidelity? 1
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