Decorative Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 So how did you - and anyone else who feels they've reconciled successfully - get over this: THAT is what I also want to know. When it comes down to it, you are sharing a bed that he or she has shared with someone else. What s/he's doing to you was done to someone else. How do you forget about that? The same way that you forget about other partners before? We had other sexual partners before we married. Sex is important- for sure- but my whole relationship is not defined by who both of us have ever had sex with. It might have been different had we been onlies. But for me- the sex wasn't the biggest issue.
Older 'n' wiser Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 It might have been different had we been onlies. What are "onlies"?
Decorative Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 What are "onlies"? Only had sex with each other.
Older 'n' wiser Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 The same way that you forget about other partners before? We had other sexual partners before we married. Sex is important- for sure- but my whole relationship is not defined by who both of us have ever had sex with. It might have been different had we been onlies. But for me- the sex wasn't the biggest issue. Also, perhaps you hadn't been married as long as I had. For me, the previous sexual partners were that long ago. Sure there were other pre-marital partners. I even realized recently that when H was having A1, I received a late-night phone call from the most serious love of my life before my marriage - a young man who genuinely, deeply loved me and wanted me in his life (but I was too young to know even what I felt) - in which he asked me to jump on a plane and come away with him, my husband didn't really love me the way he did. I was married and that was scandalous and unthinkable. I remember telling my H and he said, "Why didn't you?" It was strange a little, but I thought he was kidding or testing me. He doesn't remember this now. I think he was having his affair then and wanted me to have had one, too. I had other attractions and deep feelings for men here and there, but only fantasized acting on them once. I didn't act on them or allow any opportunity. Even after d-Day this year, I found the serious young man above and wrote him. He mentioned a wife but was eager to know about me. Still, I could not do other than the freakin' decent thing and wrote him back about "us" - how we have moved here and our kids live there and are doing this and our future plans are that. My H's life with the rest of the world - and I have made the study of it through every extant evidence available for the past 3/4 of a year - was always in first person singular: I. Did I mention that I even unearthed an online relationship? He told her about his children, where he lived ("alone" - technically correct since I was abroad), his interests; they even had a bit of fantasy together. All his relationships were first person singular UNLESS the correspondent had also been my friend, too. Then he'd have been forced to talk about "us." Of course, it is NOT insignificant that I HAD left him alone in not the best of health. My father AND my brother (same one) spoke to me seriously about it, saying I should be here with him and I assured them that H was equally on board with our arrangement. Anyway, I think my point was: I could not, given any opportunity, play like I was available, flirt, encourage or otherwise act like I wasn't married - ever, at any time since I was married. It was a commitment deeper than any need or distraction. I COULD NOT do other than be faithful. It was not an option. It was not a choice. It just was. And I never, ever conceived of the possibility that H was not the same way. Now, what the hell do you call THAT?
Decorative Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Also' date=' perhaps you hadn't been married as long as I had. For me, the previous sexual partners were that long ago. Sure there were other pre-marital partners. I even realized recently that when H was having A1, I received a late-night phone call from the most serious love of my life before my marriage - a young man who genuinely, deeply loved me and wanted me in his life (but I was too young to know even what I felt) - in which he asked me to jump on a plane and come away with him, my husband didn't really love me the way he did. I was married and that was scandalous and unthinkable. I remember telling my H and he said, "Why didn't you?" It was strange a little, but I thought he was kidding or testing me. He doesn't remember this now. I think he was having his affair then and wanted me to have had one, too. I had other attractions and deep feelings for men here and there, but only fantasized acting on them once. I didn't act on them or allow any opportunity. Even after d-Day this year, I found the serious young man above and wrote him. He mentioned a wife but was eager to know about me. Still, I could not do other than the freakin' decent thing and wrote him back about "us" - how we have moved here and our kids live there and are doing this and our future plans are that. My H's life with the rest of the world - and I have made the study of it through every extant evidence available for the past 3/4 of a year - was always in first person singular: I. Did I mention that I even unearthed an online relationship? He told her about his children, where he lived ("alone" - technically correct since I was abroad), his interests; they even had a bit of fantasy together. All his relationships were first person singular UNLESS the correspondent had also been my friend, too. Then he'd have been forced to talk about "us." Of course, it is NOT insignificant that I HAD left him alone in not the best of health. My father AND my brother (same one) spoke to me seriously about it, saying I should be here with him and I assured them that H was equally on board with our arrangement. Anyway, I think my point was: I could not, given any opportunity, play like I was available, flirt, encourage or otherwise act like I wasn't married - ever, at any time since I was married. It was a commitment deeper than any need or distraction. I COULD NOT do other than be faithful. It was not an option. It was not a choice. It just was. And I never, ever conceived of the possibility that H was not the same way. Now, what the hell do you call THAT?[/quote'] We have been married 20 years. This occurred at 13 years in. Everyone's experience is different. The things that were the hardest for me are not necessarily going to be the same for you. I have never acted in a way that was conducive to an affair or even a whisper of an inappropriate communication. That's not me. I am a high boundaries girl- alway have been. I was shocked when I learned my spouse had made different choices. But in the aftermath and great unraveling of it all- I see what happened. To him. And it had nothing to do with me. I was an unintended casualty. And sometimes it's a deal breaker. It's okay to recognize that. It really is. I really suggest reading some about the mechanics of affairs- I'd start with Glass or Pittman. It might not make you feel better- but you'll see a lot more of the how it can happen. Not as excuses. But explanations. 1
krazikat Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 The same way that you forget about other partners before? We had other sexual partners before we married. Sex is important- for sure- but my whole relationship is not defined by who both of us have ever had sex with. It might have been different had we been onlies. But for me- the sex wasn't the biggest issue. That is what my husband has said. i was not a ws, but before we were married during a time we were not together, I had a brief relationship with om. When my now husband found out it crushed him. He told me after dday for his a that when he catches himself thinking about it, he swiftly moves it to the category of before, and he suggested that I try the same with his a. Well, not exactly working for me, but I am doing better. I had a horrible nightmare last night where I walked in on my h during sex and he looked at me, said sorry, and kept right on going...I woke up feeling sick and shaky. This was really the first one si.ce dday, but it has me hoping for no more. It was awful. If he has another a, then I will be done with him. Since I have already decided on r, then I am doing my best to try and get past the thoughts and horrible mind pictures. 1
Decorative Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I'm glad it worked out for you. But I have a question. Is he refraining from anything that is, now, inappropriate for someone who has cheated? In other words, is he going out with the guys? Weekend getaways without you, etc? Because if I were to stay with a cheating wife, then there are certain activities that I wouldn't have minded before I knew she was a cheater that she would then have lost the privilege. Not to threadjack, but this kind of relates the question of reconciling. Because I wouldn't reconcile with someone who still thought it should be ok to do a girl's night out after being outed as a cheater. Like what? He was never out trolling for an affair partner. The affair happened as most happen- ordinary contact, bad boundaries, poor coping skills. He's never been a partier, a drinker, or a bar guy. He's not a weekend getaway guy. Never had been. He wants to spend his time with his family- which- the only time in his life that was different was during his affair. I'm not his warden. He checks in with me, and offers transparency to me at all turns- and I do not ask for it. It is is important to him that he shows me he is worthy of our marriage. he has taken it all on his shoulders. I am not sure I completely understand your question. I answered as best as I could. I think the decision to reconcile is a deeply personal one- and there's no guidebook. You have to know what you can handle. What you wish to handle. And what works for you. 3
krazikat Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I'm glad it worked out for you. But I have a question. Is he refraining from anything that is, now, inappropriate for someone who has cheated? In other words, is he going out with the guys? Weekend getaways without you, etc? Because if I were to stay with a cheating wife, then there are certain activities that I wouldn't have minded before I knew she was a cheater that she would then have lost the privilege. Not to threadjack, but this kind of relates the question of reconciling. Because I wouldn't reconcile with someone who still thought it should be ok to do a girl's night out after being outed as a cheater. I am not going to monitor every activity. If he chooses to cheat after this, then it is over, simple as that. I dont care if he has guys night, goes to a strip club, weekend trip with guys, even if he stays in contact with some of his female friends. I know I am different from some in those thoughts, but I have guy friends I have had forever...like 10 to 20 years, that have not ever been inappropriate. I will not change this...it may be difficult at first, but I cant change who I am because he made bad choices. 1
BryanP37 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage. I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way. My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are... How long was your partners affair? Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship? If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away? Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work? I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think). My stbxw's affair began right after this past Thanksgiving with her best friends husband. It was a pure thrill sex affair. Lots of danger in doing it right under everyone's nose. Some sloppy housekeeping gave it away. I discovered it on March 31 after 4 months and managed to pretty much catch them in the act 2 weeks later. My reaction was very nuclear. Far over the top that anyone I know could imagine. I immediately kicked her out and after some particularly nasty discoveries, filed for divorce 2 weeks later. My stbxw is not contesting. I've since managed to sell the house and pretty much dismantle the previous life and will start over a wiser man. If all goes well my court date is July 17. 1
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