some facts regarding reconciliation please

[where to start]

I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage.

 

I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way.

 

My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are...

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think).

Edited April 2, 2013 by where to start

[krazikat]

I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage.

 

I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way.

 

My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are...

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think).

 

I just discovered my husbands affair several weeks ago. Feel free to read my looooong story...but point being I am new to this and navigating the same thought processes you are having...and man alive does it suck. So sorry you are going thru this too, it is devastating.

 

My husband had an affair for over 4 years...both ea and pa. It took me about 2 weeks to decide to r instead of d...my husband has shown true remorse and really wants to be with me and work it out. Also, our story is a bit different then average. I slept with om prior to us being married during a time we were not officially together and it absolutely broke him. I ended the relationship with the om immediatly but the damage was done.

 

I love my husband dearly. And he loves me just as much. days after dday, when he realized tow was not going to stop calling/texting him, he handed over his phones and wanted both disconnected. They have been disconnected.for weeks now. He went nc right away. He has proved he is here for me. That is why I chose r. It has been hard. But it is worth it to me.

 

He is actually waiting for me right now, so I am going to go spend some time with my man.

 

I wish you the best in whatever you decide, hang in there.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

How long was your partners affair? @ 3 months

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship? PA/EA - I'm not sure how to answer the question. She had a full-blown affair, what else is there to say.

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away? Yes/No - I decided early on to attempt to reconcile, but I kept the option to divorce open for 3 years. Divorce is still an option if there is another breach of trust/fidelity. I don't think that it will ever come to that, but I'm prepared to walk away if it does. She knows that she only has one second chance.

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work? There were many low points that I felt like it wasn't going to work but we worked through it.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[waterwoman]

6 months.

Mostly EA but with some physical stuff.

It made no difference to me - actually not entirely true, I'd have been happier in some ways if he was just after extracurricular sex without the emotional connection.

I asked him if he wanted to leave, he said no so that was my decision made. And his. So we went for it straight away but had no manual or road map so made a few bad decisions.

I don't know yet if it is going to work. I think so but not 100% sure. If it doesn't it might well be down to my failings as to his.

 

Good luck with your decision. I will say that if I had known how long and hard a road it was I might have been more circumspect with my initial decision.

[jnel921]

R is different for everyone. I Kicked my first H out because we had an infant and I was 4 months pregnant and his A was longer than I cared for. He was convinced he loved the OW so out the door he went.

 

My second H unfortunately hurt me as well. Although he knew the OW for some time as she was his good friends girlfriend, their A was over the period of 2 weeks when my H's friend was away on active duty. I believe there may have been a mutual attraction when they were around each other.

 

His was remorseful. But the OW spilled the beans about two months after. I originally questioned the relationship because the volume of calls and texts were quite high and he had never even spoken to me of her and how he'd see her around often as she always stopped by to see his friend and I believe one day he had dinner at her apt as she invited them both over one evening while they were out on patrol.

 

Knowing the facts hurts more than it helps. I think if I had full knowledge of the calls and texts I would have made the decision to leave. But because I don't I guess it makes it a little easier. I agree with B&S that I am keeping the option of D open for a while. If we can't get back to that place of love and trust then what is there?

 

I believed my H was out there working. I didn't question his whereabouts. it's sad that I have to track him like a felon now. I don't completely believe the things he says. He often will call me and tell me where he is and send a pic.

 

We have improved on our communication and he has mentioned to me how he understands the hurt he caused me when he made the choices he did. He wishes he can take it back and gets really embarrassed about the whole thing when I bring it up.

 

R depends on the circumstances. There has to be a remorseful S and a BS willing to forgive and do the work. It is work and it is not easy. Everyday is tough and I am tested every now and then.

 

I am only 6 months after D-Day. Still too soon in my opinion to pronounce us totally healed. I believe it may take some years. But if he truly loves me like he says he will continue to rebuild our foundation and keep it in his pants.

 

Good luck to you. I hope it works out.

Edited April 2, 2013 by jnel921

[Athens]

everything about being a BS stinks-its painful, its difficult and it just plain stinks. R is a long process with lots of highs and lows but to me its the only path. I love my H and no matter what, this is what I have decided-for better or for worse-I just did not know how bad "for worse" was going to be-

 

Hang in there-you will heal and it does get better-

[Decorative]

I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage.

 

I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way.

 

My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are...

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think).

 

Over 3 years, emotional and physical.

 

We are over 3.5 years past the final DDay. I would say we are happily recovered - but it took a huge amount of work, on both sides. I had therapy for PTSD- which I think helped me largely process triggers ( flashbacks/reminders), and he had some longstanding issues that had zero to do with me or the marriage that he had to correct and understand.

 

Recovery is not for wusses- nor is divorce. Both sides of the crap coin you've been dealt take tremendous strength to handle. Either way you go- you'll find support and understanding here.

 

I did not decide I wanted recovery immediately. I wanted a divorce. I kicked him out of the house, told him to be with her, saw a lawyer, and went silent. He was out if the house for six months- trying to find a way to get me to give us another chance.

 

You don't have to decide anything right now. You don't. You can take it say by day and give yourself space to breathe, think and process.

[NotCamelot]

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

Her A was 6 1/2 weeks, start to end.

 

It was both EA and PA. I would rather it was just emotional.....but it did not play a part in my decision to stay.

 

I decided on D-day. I love her, she can't kill that, ever, regardless.

 

I did not know for certain that it was going to work. I certainly hoped and prayed that it would. And, I guess I have been both blessed and lucky. It is working extremely well.

[Spark1111]

His affair was 1.5 years, closer to 2 if you factor in the EA that preceded it.

 

They were co-workers, both new the organization, although they did not work together, they did have the opportunity to see and interact every day.

 

I was clueless.

 

I threw him out after DDay and would not even consider reconciliation for several months.

 

I am also a voracious reader and believe knowledge is empowerment, so I started reading everything I could to understand and heal myself while I remained unsure if I would have the courage to even consider reconciling.

 

I read two things that led me to take a wait and see attitude:

 

A survey of people who claimed to be miserably married. many divorced, but many did not. Five years later, amongst those who did not divorce, they now reported being happily married. it was one of the first reports that allowed psychologists to believe all marriages are salvageable.

 

Secondly, the majority of couples will attempt reconciliation initially after DDay. Of those who cheated, if they were truly remorseful, transparent and answered all questions honestly regarding the affair, close to 87 percent were happily reconciled 5 years later.

 

of those who minimized, trickle-truthed or rug swept the affair, about 50 percent were still married.

 

Ball in the WS's court after DDay.

[underwater2010]

How long was your partners affair?

 

1 - 1 1/2 yrs if you count how many breaks they took due to family obligations.

 

Was it emotional? Physical? Both?

 

It is kind of hard to decide exactly what it was. There were no ILYs or Let ride of into the sunset. They met up once and made out over the clothes. (confirmed) It was mostly sexting, videos and pics (from her). Plans on her part to met up but he never followed through.

 

Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

 

I think the fact that they never said the ILYs or future plans helped me be secure enough to stay. But the main reason I stayed was because he wanted the marriage too. I gave him the choice.

 

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

 

I knew within 48 hrs. He had a choice and he made it. Does that mean his off the hook....no. One more slip up and I will be gone. He gets one chance and one chance only. I am worthy of so much more than a cheating husband.

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

So far things are going decent. Not perfect, but good. We are 9 months out and he has not had one slip up. But time will tell.

[Older 'n' wiser]

So helpful. If possible, can you say where these stats came from?

 

one of the first reports that allowed psychologists to believe all marriages are salvageable..

 

Also...

close to 87 percent were happily reconciled 5 years later..

 

and...

 

of those who minimized, trickle-truthed or rug swept the affair, about 50 percent were still married..

 

Thanks

[Older 'n' wiser]

I did not decide I wanted recovery immediately. I wanted a divorce. I kicked him out of the house, told him to be with her, saw a lawyer, and went silent. He was out if the house for six months- trying to find a way to get me to give us another chance. .

 

That seems to be the key. Wish I'd listened when everyone here said to do this - kick him out, divorce - but I think frankly that if I'd seen then what I've seen since I might have been more convinced it would have been the best thing for both of us. That is, if I'd seen this fact: that, of the people who tried to reconcile after d-day, it was the people whose BS's first kicked out or wanted to divorce the WS who were able to R.

 

In my case, I had this notion, since I had to stay and get him moved out of my brother's house and he needed to do this remodeling job to have some $$ to live on, that we could go to MC while all that was happening and then see whenever his job was done and I got him moved out, whether R was really possible. By then, it seemed too late. We were working on working it out.

 

But then I went away - came back overseas to tie things up where I'd been working and then go back and start our new life. Well, I got here and flashbacks and - especially all the copies of all the emails of theirs I'd saved - started haunting me. He couldn't talk the same and wouldn't write much about it. I got worse and didn't want to go back to him each day more. It was too hard to work on it without being in MC and we've both traumatized the other more and more. His attitude has gone back to minimizing and rug sweeping which is a knife to my heart each time. Not very hopeful but not giving it much to hope with, considering that I'm still here and not there.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage.

 

I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way.

 

My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are...

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think).

 

Tough to answer. Mine was an ea turned pa. If you really want to count it the ea went back probably 15 years but in reality when the attraction was actually confessed then pa was within two months - physical part lasted 4 months with two d-days.

 

That was over 3 years ago and I am still married. My XMM went back to his wife.

 

My husband since had his own affair - it's been over a year since that discovery and I believe it's over but she keeps showing up.

 

I don't know - i think both of us have over 30 years invested and we are big believers in family, there are financial considerations and his was not exposed publicly, mine was, so there is that factor as well.

 

I do not have any idea how this is going to turn out. My husband is a good man, a good dad and a good provider. I love him but it is obvious our dynamics have changed and I don't know if it can ever be better really. I guess if we really got honest it mostly has to do with fear of the unknown and he is mostly concerned with his reputation and his parents. I thin if he didn't have those to consider he would be gone. I guess time will tell.

[Spark1111]

So helpful. If possible, can you say where these stats came from?

 

 

 

Also...

 

 

and...

 

 

 

Thanks

 

That was 4.5 years ago....and I honestly do not remember. But I was reading Dr. Shirley Glass, both " Not Just Friends," but "Shattered Vows," and Peggy Vaughn, and Dr. Frank Pittman. Psychology Today, Marriage Builders, Divorce Busters, Beyond Affairs....and all links they spun off to.

 

I was just beginning to contemplate reconciliation but remained unsure I would have the courage to do so, so I wanted to see what the experts had to say on HOW did people overcome the pain to do so.

 

My instincts are to run, run far away, from those who hurt me. Reconciliation seemed unnatural to me although logically, attempting it seemed like something I should attempt.

[TheBladeRunner]

How long was your partners affair?

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

My STBXW had numerous emotional affairs, not sure how many, for at least 9 months. Possibly longer

 

They were primarily emotional I think, one she acted on and it went physical; neither played a part in why I decided to end it.....I'll get to that in a bit.

 

I considered reconciling for 72 hours after DDay and declined her desires to "fix things".

 

Never attempted to reconcile for a few reasons, first being that I know her, she is emotionally lazy, and she would never do the work to repair the damage she had done. Second, I knew this because she NEVER worked on her own issues that had nothing to do with us. Third, she took no responsibility for her actions...the A was all my fault.....isn't it always? Yeah, right! Finally, I knew that for me personally that there was no way I could ever move on from the level of betrayal she inflicted upon me (I own this one fully).

[Furious]

I too kicked my husband out. I did it instinctively. It wasn't a ploy, I wanted him gone. Within a week I had visited my lawyer. Got my ducks in order and changed my will, got my finances in order.

 

Reconciliation was the last thing on my mind. My husband in the meantime was staying in a hotel, for six weeks he called me continuously, leaving me messages. I refused to see or speak to him.

 

In those six weeks my husband became proactive, he got himself into IC, he wrote letters, he apologized to my parents, he wrote to our children.

 

He then came home, I didn't promise anything, it would just be an attempt at reconciliation. It's been over a year and a half since d-day and a cycle of MC and IC. It's been one day at time and that's the only way I can be.

 

Reconciliation is a process, and it's sometimes three steps forward and two steps back. I think the WS has to be proactive and truly remorseful and courageous in fixing and understanding the WHY of their betrayal.

 

It's also a coming together, each of us owning our on issues.

 

Reconciliation is not for the feint of heart. It takes two, sometimes leading and sometimes being carried. A time of highs and lows. One day at a time.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Furious

[jnel921]

I agree with Bladerunner. Knowing your S makes the decision of R easier.

 

My H took full responsibility. He never blamed me. I knew he would try and do the work.

 

I am sure he looked at the OW's situation and knew he didn't want to take that on. He said he told her he'd never leave me. I am sure this is why she decided to bring it my attention. She figured if I let him go he'd run to her.

 

What I read here is a lot of WS who are mesmerized by the sex they are having. it's a fog that is not allowing them to see reality. it's a shame. I am sure they can have the same mind blowing sex with their H or W's. It's ridiculous.

 

Life is so much more than sex. My H knew that, I know it. We have had amazing experiences together. We have set goals, accomplished them, traveled, and taken some exciting risks together. We started with barely nothing and grew together and supported one another. We have a lot to be thankful for today and are blessed.

 

We had some bumps in the road. No one's M is perfect. Communication and lack of intimacy play significant roles in the WS decision to cheat. But in the end the WS needs to take a good look at what and who their are dealing with and decide if this is the person they'd prefer to move forward with in life.

 

Hopefully the answer is no. It is what it is. A convenient piece of a$$.

 

Don't let your ego be bruised by this. Like I said before there is more to marriage than sex.

[katielee]

Life is so much more than sex. My H knew that, I know it. We have had amazing experiences together. We have set goals, accomplished them, traveled, and taken some exciting risks together. We started with barely nothing and grew together and supported one another. We have a lot to be thankful for today and are blessed.

 

Don't let your ego be bruised by this. .

 

how on earth did you get to this point. And my husband didn't even have sex...

[dichotomy]

How long was your partners affair?

 

Thats complicated to answer, but lets say 1.5 years.

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

 

Emotional, but it was a sexual one prior to me. In other words she could not completely break from a previous sexual affair/relationship and it spilled into ours as a emotional affair.

 

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

 

Thats complicated. I demanded immediate break in contact or I would end the marriage. Reconciliation has been coming in bits and pieces for a while since then.

 

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

That's complicated too. We have been working on it for years since the "all stop" demand was issued. I am like a pit bull on it. Some reconciliation has been made to keep the marriage going along. However, the therapist we are seeing will probably be the last effort to get most possible reconciliation - because "full" is not possible (at least what I see as full).

Edited April 3, 2013 by dichotomy

[Decorative]

I am really happy, NoFool.

 

I am glad we worked it out, and stayed together. He showed me he was well worth the effort.

 

It's a tough decision- whatever a person decides.

 

But it's probably best not to assume or gauge other people's happiness or their experience of their own lives. They know their own truth- just as you

Know yours.

[where to start]

thank you all for sharing your personal details

 

Is anyone really happy staying with someone that rode another man/woman? I just can't see it. I think alot of people simply put it out of their minds and forget about it, for the most part. But when the memories come back, I think most people are simply fooling themselves that they are happy being with someone that screwed another person.

 

this is exactly what im afraid of.

as i mentioned in my original post here on LS, my husband came right out with everything. he gave me access to his emails so that there wouldn't be any more secrets. trouble is that along with the emails came every filth photo and video they've ever sent to each other. i skipped past most of them for obvious reasons, but some were just too powerful to ignore. so now every time i see him or hear his voice my mind flashes back to those things. he just grosses me out. from the looks of things, he loved every minute. i imagine those images are not going to fade easily.

not only that but he seems to have given her up just a little too easily. i've read on LS and in other places that it is very common for the WS to either claim they have given AP up when they in actuality have not, or they wait until the dust settles and go back. neither of those scenarios sounds promising.

this is such a huge decision...

[Decorative]

False recoveries are common.

 

We had one.

 

9 months.

 

Crazy making.

 

So when I found out it was still on? That is when I wanted a divorce, kicked him out, and was absolutely done.

 

I learned later that was probably what I should have done originally. But I, for reasons I will never quite understand, believed it was over originally. I had that truth bias still towards my husband. So I believed it was over.

 

And when my spouse could no longer eat cake- he chose to fight to win me back.

 

Knowing what I know now. I would have been more aggressive in just stopping my side of that unwitting triangle immediately. But you know what they say. When you know better, you do better. And I did.

[SidLyon]

I was just reading another thread regarding reconciliation...the chances of it & the likelihood that it results in a happy marriage.

 

I am personally in the process of trying to make this decision, weighing all the facts, and determining what I think I am strong enough to handle either way.

 

My questions, if you'd be kind enough to answer, are...

 

How long was your partners affair?

 

Several years - between 3.5 and 6 depending on what can be defined as the affair. Basically it went for 3.5 years and then stopped for 3. I discovered it when they were in the process of (perhaps) re-igniting it although it had not yet become physical again.

 

Was it emotional? Physical? Both? Did this play a part in your decision to say or leave your relationship?

 

It was both and they exchanged ILYs. This was devastating to me but didn't in the end affect reconciliation. What is important to reconciliation is that both parties want to reconcile, that they take actions to reconcile (including honesty and transparency) and all "secret" contact with the AP cease.

 

If you decided to reconcile, did you decide right away?

 

No, I knew it was what I wanted and it was what he said he wanted. But I also recognised that we were both in a heightened emotional state. Basically I took it in small time periods. For instance in the first week, I said we would try until my exams were over. Then it was until Christmas was over. Then my birthday. Then a family event; etc etc.

 

In some ways it was a bit like a MM postponing leaving his BW, so I really do understand how that happens, and that often this is just a way of postponing something that is never going to happen.

 

However for me by setting myself short but increasing chunks of time, it enabled me to not have to make a decision immediately but to "keep my options open" depending on how things went. D-day was 4.5 years ago and we are still going well.

 

Did you attempt to reconcile and realized that it wasn't going to work?

 

Sometimes this did seem to happen particularly in the early days, but I continued with my strategy of taking it one step at a time. I am sure that if I had been genuinely "done" I would have realised.

 

I know the conclusion is personal to each individual relationship and my decision can't be made based on anyone else. You have all been so lovely with the emotional support. I just feel that right now I am searching for some concrete answers. As hard as it may be to read the responses, I think that I'm at a point where the crying has stopped (for now) and I'm just looking to be smacked in the face with the facts (I think).

 

My answers in bold above. I haven't yet read any other responses.

Edited April 4, 2013 by SidLyon

[dichotomy]

thank you all for sharing your personal details

 

this is exactly what im afraid of.

as i mentioned in my original post here on LS, my husband came right out with everything. he gave me access to his emails so that there wouldn't be any more secrets. trouble is that along with the emails came every filth photo and video they've ever sent to each other. i skipped past most of them for obvious reasons, but some were just too powerful to ignore. so now every time i see him or hear his voice my mind flashes back to those things. he just grosses me out. from the looks of things, he loved every minute. i imagine those images are not going to fade easily.

not only that but he seems to have given her up just a little too easily. i've read on LS and in other places that it is very common for the WS to either claim they have given AP up when they in actuality have not, or they wait until the dust settles and go back. neither of those scenarios sounds promising.

this is such a huge decision...

 

 

I am sorry for this. They took pictures and videos of themselves having sex? Thats terrible.

 

But you seem to have gotten something most BS don't get from their WS - complete access to the truth and the details. I can't recall any stories where the WS became a complete open book - they always minimize always hide stuff - I think to avoid accountability and more blame. Many of us rack are brains wanting to know the truth the details. It sounds like you got them, but it is not any easier to know I suppose. However I wonder what this says - that you husband was willing to turn over everything. Perhaps that does show a man willing to be honest and accountabile and one that does not care about the OW - she was just a piece of A and he was fine letting you see this? No need to protect OW? Not sure, just unusual.

Edited April 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[Older 'n' wiser]

I am really happy, NoFool.

 

I am glad we worked it out, and stayed together. He showed me he was well worth the effort.

 

It's a tough decision- whatever a person decides.

 

But it's probably best not to assume or gauge other people's happiness or their experience of their own lives. They know their own truth- just as you

Know yours.

 

So how did you - and anyone else who feels they've reconciled successfully - get over this:

 

Is anyone really happy staying with someone that rode another man/woman? I just can't see it. I think alot of people simply put it out of their minds and forget about it, for the most part. But when the memories come back, I think most people are simply fooling themselves that they are happy being with someone that screwed another person.

 

THAT is what I also want to know. When it comes down to it, you are sharing a bed that he or she has shared with someone else. What s/he's doing to you was done to someone else. How do you forget about that?