whatdreamsmaycome Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'm just curious about people's experiences with this. I'm a single 30-year-old woman, who's been in 3 long term relationships (engaged once, but split quite fairly soon after the engagement, no plans were set), and he is 42 years old, divorced with 2 children. They are currently not living with him, they live with their mom in Arizona, but he will have the kids during the summer (14 & 16 years old). We work for the same corporation, but in different departments, so we don't see each other on a daily basis or anything close to that now. But earlier this year our departments actually had to integrate for a project, and we saw each other a lot. He was always very friendly and polite to me, as he is with everyone, and at one point he texted a coworker of mine to compliment me on my work. I thought it would be silly to say thanks through my coworker so I gave him my phone number and we began texting back and forth, nothing heavy, just light conversation about ourselves.... He eventually asked me out for coffee, but tax season had begun, and it's one of my busiest times, so I had to refuse, but told him that I would be able to at the end of March. He said okay, but deep down, I almost felt like it's ridiculous to tell someone you're busy for months, and I thought he would forget by March. Especially because our texts stopped, I figured he lost interest. A couple days ago, he texted me! I really could not believe he remembered. I agreed, and we went to lunch together. We only had about 45 minutes though, and it did feel rushed, but I felt felt like we talked about a lot. He has been divorced for 3 years, his wife moved out of state with another man. He doesn't seem stuck on it though, he seems genuinely happy with his life now. He asked me to lunch again, however my Easter "vacation" is over, and it's back to crunch time in my department. So I wasn't sure how to respond. I do want to meet up with him again... but I also think subconsciously I have some reservations because of the following: 1) He is 12 years older than I am, and I've never dated anyone more than 4 years older than myself 2) He seems so much more "put together" than myself. I still feel very temporary in this stage in my life, so I sometimes think I'm perhaps inadequate for him (a man who owns his own home, his own business, has two wonderful children etc...) 3) Since I'm finally at a good point in my life (after my last long-term relationship ended in pure disaster), and I'm afraid I will get hurt by this very "put-together" attractive man. 4) We no longer casually text here and there. This stopped when I told him earlier this year that it would soon be "crunch time" in the office. So I'm wondering if he lost interest, or if he thinks he would be interfering/distracting by texting. 5) When he sees me in public, on the rare occasion that we run into each other in among the sea of people in the corporation, he'll say "hello" but will never start a conversation with me. This confuses me. Does anyone have any insight on why he would want to have lunch with me but not want to converse at other times? So as it stands, he has asked me to lunch, but I have yet to reply because of my reservations. Any thoughts, advice?
Weezy1973 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Go to lunch. If you're looking for love, you can't avoid people you're interested in because you fear heartbreak or rejection. It doesn't work that way. Take a risk.
outsidethebox Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Any reason why you guys have to try to squeeze time out of a workday to meet?
mesmerized Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It's weird that he doesn't want to talk to you when he sees you within a crowd. Maybe he doesn't want this to be public. Honestly, the thing you should be most worried about is his "baggage". Dating a man with who already has a family is not easy...It's a bigger deal than him being "put together". In any case, you have nothing to lose by going for lunch again but be cautious and don't take the fact that he is divorced and has a family lightly. 1
dasein Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 2, and 3 need to go, 2 definitely in all circumstances (give yourself more credit), and 3 if you feel you are ready to date. 4 and 5 are obviated by the fact he's asked you to lunch. Which leaves us with 1, and wouldn't attempt to weight that until a few dates ensue -unless- you have very strong feelings about having your own children. If you do, he is probably not the best option unless he states a willingness for more children, and it doesn't seem you know that yet. I think you may be overthinking for the stage you are in, and may find he has similar reservations with respect to some of the other numbers. If you find him attractive and interesting, what's the harm in going on some dates to see what's what? Don't see much risk here for you.
carhill Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 One makes time for those who interest one. A healthy interpersonal relationship balances priorities of work and social time. An older man appreciates such a perspective. Enjoy your lunch. Welcome to LS
Author whatdreamsmaycome Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Thank you for your replies! Barnacle-Bob - your post made me smile . I will try to take it more benignly. Weezy1973 - I have definitely been accused of being overly cautious, but it’s true, my greatest gains have come from my biggest risks. outsidethebox - I think perhaps that because we work together, that maybe going out at night might seem like a definite “date”, and he might not be trying to date me just yet... I’m not sure though, your guess is as good as mine. mesmerized - thank you, I think you hit the nail on the head. I may be overly cautious because I’ve never been in a relationship with a man with children, and though they are not living with him, this is an aspect of him that makes him completely different from anyone I’ve ever dated... so not quite sure. cherrypum- I never married, because in just didn’t work out. I don’t regret any of those relationships because each of them taught me something, and I also don’t regret or resent breaking up (or being broken up with), because otherwise I may have ultimately been divorced anyway, and from what I’ve heard, divorce is painful. I don’t feel like I’ve wasted time at all. But thank you for your opinion and chiming in. dasein - thank you for your very insightful post. I do find him very attractive and extremely interesting I guess that’s where the fear comes in lol. He might be addictive (I’m kidding for all those posters that are going to judge me for that comment lol) carhill- another post that made me smile from ear to ear I’m finally at a point where I’m deeply committed to work and not putting love as a priority... so it’s good to hear that men respect that. Hopefully it doesn’t drive too many of them away lol I know it may seem like I’m “jumping the gun” on this question, but I just wanted some advice on a situation that I have never experienced before, and was hoping to get some insight - maybe some odds for those of you risk analysts And yes I am completely aware that this is not a relationship, and might not even have the chance to become one, but I do feel that it is a good stage to get some objective opinions... I’d rather be here, than posting on a break-up forum a few months down the line for an obvious oversight, ya know? So please forgive me if I sound like I’m looking to far into the future. Thank you for your opinions! I will keep you updated!
Author whatdreamsmaycome Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I've never in my life wished I could turn back time as much as I do right now. 6 months ago, I posted this... and now I'm literally a zombified shell of a person because of this man... meanwhile he's getting all sorts of promotions and recognitions at work, flirting with every pretty young girl in front of me, and I'm just getting a few pitiful looks now and again. I literally want to hide under a rock at work most of the time. I would give anything to go back 6 months and made a different decision
crederer Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) Is he your boss or a superior? Edited October 3, 2013 by crederer
Author whatdreamsmaycome Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 No, but he definitely has clout. Best friends with my boss, and a (somewhat distant) relative of the CEO. I should've factored that into my decision too I can't even talk about what he put me through to anyone, in fear that it might get back to my boss...
Grumpybutfun Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 dreams: I finally caught up on your posts and this story. It sounds like your intuition was telling you to avoid this guy from the very beginning. I know this is difficult especially since you have to see him at work...is there any way you can move to another department where you do not have to have any contact with him, or can you find another job? This guy doesn't deserve anymore of your time wasted for his ego. Good luck, Grumps
kassy Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Sorry to hear that it went horribly. Since he is so entrenched in the company it sounds like you will have to deal with the situation assuming he isn't going anywhere. Is it possible to get an internal transfer somewhere else (like another department or city?) or maybe time to start applying for other companies? I know people could argue not to run away from the problem. But in this type of case I feel there is little to be gained by being continuously in a toxic situation. No need for any rash changes but if you put yourself out there for new jobs maybe a fantastic work opportunity will come out of this :-) If you can't talk about what happened elsewhere and you want to talk about it here that might help you. Best Kassy
giblesp Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 You're a young woman in the prime of her life, who has men looking at her every day. Let him work to get your attention.
Lisa_Lisa Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If you need support, we're all here to help you through it. It helps to vent.
Author whatdreamsmaycome Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thank you for your responses and your support. I've been inquiring about a possible transfer to another location, would like to remain with this company though, as it has been great to me. Unfortunately, that may take time. I realize now why this relationship has been so hard to get over, despite the shortness of the relationship, and the fact that I found out things that I find disgusting and appalling. And it's that I'm exposed to this person almost everyday, and he is incredibly FAKE and insincere. He is shallow and says the most horrible things about his other co-workers and these other co-workers seem to adore him, and it's because he shows them this happy, supportive, enthusiastic side... if they only knew! I guess that's what is bothering me the most right now. And these girls that he's flirting with right in front of me have no clue what they're getting themselves into. I won't be telling them (that just never ends well, I've found), but I hope they figure it out earlier than i did. What a mess. I absolutely despise this person.... any advice on how to not?
FitChick Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Perfect example of why I advise people not to date coworkers. It seldom ends well. Keep looking for another job or transfer to another department. Although wouldn't people in the same company know about this affair even in other departments?
jcrew11 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 why don't you just move on and date someone else? I know some women like dating men at work because they seem like "husband material" I don't know if you desire marriage soon, but a freshly-divorced older man might want to enjoy his freedom for a while. I don't think inter-office dating is a good idea unless it is heading towards marriage. Break-ups are too messy and emotional. I would just try to date someone else, to at least keep your mind off of your ex-BF. It sucks knowing his personal baggage, but just keep your head down and keep doing your job. If you are attractive, just go on Online dating and start meeting new men.
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