How to handle communicating with ex girlfriend when left for another man?

April 2, 2013

Guys,

I am rather new here and will try to make this short. Here is some info about the break up:

- Me and my ex girlfriend were together 5 years (through high school and college)

- We have a soon to be 4 year old daughter together

- We never had a bad relationship, fought a lot, broke up before, etc

- She left me for a 34 year old maintenance worker who she has known from work for a few years (she is 23 and I am 21)

- Two weeks after our break up she was officially in a relationship with him and moved in with him (he lives in a trailer park)

- She didn't cheat on me (it was an emotional affair), and I feel she felt our relationship lacked excitement and she felt the grass was greener on the other side (we got comfortable with our relationship)

- I forgave her for the abruptness of our breakup and the manner in which it occurred (although I'm still devastated), but we still have a great relationship and I know she still has positive feelings for me

- We have been broken up now for only two months

That is just a short background. My question is, how should I handle / communicate with my ex girlfriend if there is ever a chance of us reconciling in the future? I still love this girl to death and really want to be a family again. The hard part is that I have to see her everyday due to the way things work out with my daughter and our schedules (dropping her off, picking her up, etc).

How much communicating should I do with her? I would love to go no contact, but it isn't possible. We have to see and talk to each other everyday. I haven't been kissing her **** or begging for her back, but she has complained to me a few times already about him telling her that we talk to much and essentially controlling her.

Today was her 23rd birthday and I met her this morning at her work to pick up my daughter and I gave her presents that my daughter picked out for her and a card from my daughter. She told me shortly after that he pissed her off and was mad that I gave her gifts and that he knew I would etc etc and she was complaining that he needs to "get over himself." I don't want to down talk the guy, so I just basically told her that I was sorry and that I hope her day gets better. So, it definitely seems that he is being controlling/possessive with her already. Do you think it will get worse?

We really only talk about things that have to do with our daughter because I don't feel comfortable really contacting her about anything else and I feel I need to try to give her space with hopes that she may miss me here at some point and realize she made a mistake. I feel that this fantasy she had with leaving me for this guy is going to become an ordinary reality at some point and the reality of things will set in.

I want her to still know that she has a special place in my heart and that I care about her, but I know I can't tell her this stuff when she is with another guy. I feel she already knows this, though, and it isn't going to help matters by telling her. I also want her to think that I may be moving on and that I am not an insurance policy for her, but I don't want her to think that I have gotten over our relationship quickly, either. Where is the middle road? How much attention should I give her?

Lots more to say, but I will leave it at that for now.

Thanks in advance!

April 2, 2013

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are handling things perfectly right now. Keep conversations focused on your child, don't talk about her current bf. Don't bring up your past emotions and just let things play out. You have a child together so you will always be tied to each other.

Try to act as normal as you can while keeping the boundaries with regards to her current situation. It would not surprise me if things went sour because of the jealousy of her bf, which may help you in the long run. Be yourself, be a good father, and move on. Maybe she will come back, maybe not, but at least that way you retain your dignity and self-respect.

April 2, 2013

Thanks for your reply. That does make me feel a little better. But how is my ex ever going to miss me since I have to see her and talk to her everyday? Not only does she have her new boyfriend, but she also still has me in the picture. I feel like this is a win win for her, but there is nothing I can really do about it, either.

When she has my daughter, I will usually text her at night to see how she is doing, but I don't know if I should keep doing it since I see her everyday. But it is something that we both do, so I don't want to stop and make her think that I don't care about asking anymore. I really tend to over analyze my communication with her.

April 2, 2013

By keeping your private life private and only talking with her about your daughter, the weather, etc

April 2, 2013

Dude, I'm still blown away that she let this asshat come to a Doctor's appointment for your daughter! Did you ever breached that subject with her?

Dude, you have to pull away. You're MAKING having a daughter be an excuse for excessive contact with your Ex. i.e. texting her every night she has your daughter. Regardless of what she's done to you, is she a good mom? If the answer is yes, then don't text her. She's got it. You know your daughter is doing okay with her. Start making yourself unavailable. Remember, this was her choice; not yours. So she needs to see that you're moving on without her. She need to think to herself, "Gee, he didn't text me last night like he normally does. I wonder what's up?" She may ask you the next day, just say, "Sorry, I was out and I didn't get back in till late."

Right now, she KNOWS that you are at her beckoned call. She can pull on the leash anytime and see that the dog is still there. If you give her nothing, the SHE'S going to start questioning everything. " He was out late? Doing what? Where did he go? Who was he with? What was he doing that was so important that he couldn't text me to check in?"

BAM! You gave her nothing other than the impression that you're moving on with your life and leaving her behind in the trailer park.

NOW! What positive changes have you made in your life right now?

April 2, 2013

Exactly, make sure to keep your private life private. One thing I will say is if you two are still in communication as much as you are saying (i.e. texting each night, talking each day, giving gifts) I'm not surprised her bf is getting jealous and taking notice. I don't think that can keep going, unless you talk each day only about your child.

I think in general you want to keep conversations focused on your child and everything else should be kept as short as possible like siankat said. Try not to get caught up talking about yourself or herself. You can't let her effectively be in a relationship with you while not being in a relationship.

April 2, 2013

Dude, I'm still blown away that she let this asshat come to a Doctor's appointment for your daughter! Did you ever breached that subject with her?

Dude, you have to pull away. You're MAKING having a daughter be an excuse for excessive contact with your Ex. i.e. texting her every night she has your daughter. Regardless of what she's done to you, is she a good mom? If the answer is yes, then don't text her. She's got it. You know your daughter is doing okay with her. Start making yourself unavailable. Remember, this was her choice; not yours. So she needs to see that you're moving on without her. She need to think to herself, "Gee, he didn't text me last night like he normally does. I wonder what's up?" She may ask you the next day, just say, "Sorry, I was out and I didn't get back in till late."

Right now, she KNOWS that you are at her beckoned call. She can pull on the leash anytime and see that the dog is still there. If you give her nothing, the SHE'S going to start questioning everything. " He was out late? Doing what? Where did he go? Who was he with? What was he doing that was so important that he couldn't text me to check in?"

BAM! You gave her nothing other than the impression that you're moving on with your life and leaving her behind in the trailer park.

NOW! What positive changes have you made in your life right now?

I disagree with the bolded. He's obviously a good dad, I don't think he should slack off just to prove something to his ex.

April 2, 2013

I disagree with the bolded. He's obviously a good dad, I don't think he should slack off just to prove something to his ex.

And what exactly is he trying to prove? I agree, I know he's a good Dad, but when it's time for his daughter to be with mom, then it's her time, not their time. She made a choice to be out of his life. Therefore, the ONLY thing they should be doing togther is co-parenting and nothing more.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Chi townD

April 2, 2013

Yeah, she is a great mother, and I know my daughter is likely doing fine with her as usual when I text her. I just feel obligated to check in on her (especially since we have both kind of made a habit out of it when either of us doesn't have her). Then again, I do see her everyday, so it isn't like it is really necessary because if something was up, she would definitely contact me about it. I just don't want her to think that I have stopped caring.

I don't know. I DO understand everything you are saying, Chi TownD, and I feel I need to be somewhat mysterious with her and cut off all unnecessary forms of communication. I just don't want it to backfire on me (like her thinking I have stopped caring). Like I said, we really do only talk about things about my daughter, but every once in a while it will be about something else (sometimes she will text me or call me to talk about something). This is usually when he isn't around (he has made it clear that he does not want her talking to me outside of our daughter), and there have been several times that I have noticed that she will call me about little things that don't matter much to find a reason to talk to me on the phone, I believe.

April 2, 2013

Templar i think ur handling it really well. If you are going to stop messaging her every night i would let her know so that she doesnt think u are playing games....i dont think anyone would advise that. But if she asks tell her the truth, that it was something u guys did because u were a couple and not just parents of the same child and like u said, let her know to text u anytime if its to do with ur kid. I hope she will be wise about it and manage it just as maturely as you seem to have!

April 2, 2013

Chi TownD, yes, I did have a talk to her about the doctor's appointment incident. I basically told her that, with as much respect as possible, I know that he is a part of her life now, but I felt that that incident was totally unnecessary. I told her that we are her parents, not him, and he didn't really have any business in going along (especially going back to the exam room).

She understood but didn't see it as quite a big of deal as I did. She said that I "should be happy he cares about our daughter." Yes, I am glad he cares, but that does not mean he needs to tag along to her appointments like a third wheel. She can always fill him in afterwards. And, trust me, I don't think that it is that he cares so much about our daughter that he has to go along to her appointments with her (when they have only been together two months), it is just that he does not want us being together for any reason, period. Even for an appointment for our daughter. He can say what he wants, but he is so far stuck up her ass that it isn't funny. If he can't trust us to go to an appointment for our daughter together, then she will have her hands full with him.

On another note, we had another appointment for our daughter shortly after the first one (he didn't go this time). She was throwing me curve balls during this time. During the appointment, she was flirting with me several times, asking me who I was texting or if I was talking to someone, and making strange comments, etc. Afterwards, she asked me if I would go with her and my daughter to get something eat and then go to a walk in clinic to get herself checked out for something. I didn't really know what to say, so I just agreed. She said that he could not find out about this because he would "flip out." She also said that he wanted to go to the walk in clinic with her, but she told him not to. And she asked me?

I really don't know what to think anymore. I've never dealt with anything like this before and I really just want to make sure that I am dealing with everything correctly. I really don't want to be an insurance policy for her, but I want her to know that I am still here for her and care for her. At the same time, I don't want her to think that I am waiting around for her. The whole thing is just so complex. I over-analyze everything, and it sucks.

April 2, 2013

And what exactly is he trying to prove? I agree, I know he's a good Dad, but when it's time for his daughter to be with mom, then it's her time, not their time. She made a choice to be out of his life. Therefore, the ONLY thing they should be doing togther is co-parenting and nothing more.

Checking in on his daughter is co-parenting. As long as he really is doing it for the right reasons.

April 2, 2013

I get it. I know that you want her to know that you still care and that says a lot about your character. But, bottomline? She chose this OM over you. That's the choice she made. Not you. She pretty much told you that she values this douche rocket more than you. If this wasn't the case, then she would be with your right now.

So, you do have to distance yourself from her. Sure, she'll talk to you about other things, but here's the rub. It isn't you that she's laying next to at night now is it? Sorry if that hurts, but you need to wake up.

It isn't your job to make her realize that she made a mistake. But, you can show her that she made a mistake by making those positive changes in your life like I told you in your other thread. Do the 180 in the relationship. You need to be doing this:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

April 2, 2013

Checking in on his daughter is co-parenting. As long as he really is doing it for the right reasons.

Templar just admitted that he believes she's a great mother and that the nightly texting isn't really necessary. So, he needs to distance himself from HER and only focus on their daughter. BUT! he also needs to construct a life of his own without his wife in it. Just as she's doing for herself.

April 2, 2013

Thanks, siankat! So you think it would be a good idea to say something like: "Hey, just text me or call me from now on if she needs anything or something is up." You think I should mention about not wanting to bother her or anything like that, too?

Thanks, Chi TownD! That makes me feel a little better, I guess LOL. I really follow what you are saying, I just hope that, by doing this, it will really work out for the best. Do you also think it would be a good idea to let her know that I am not going to check in every night she has her like I used to? Just to let her know. Instead of just stopping it without saying anything?

All the conversation really consists of is:

Me: Hey, how was _________ (our daughter) today? or Hey, how is ______?

Her: She is doing great or She had a good day or She is sleeping (etc)

Me: Ok, that's good. Glad she had a good evening. (etc)

I used to call to talk to her before she would go to bed (my daughter), but half the time it doesn't really seem like she really wants to talk anyways (she is a busy little girl), so I just stopped doing it.

April 2, 2013

yeah i think that sounds great; there is only so much thought and effort you can put into doing the right thing and you have done it. I hope....she doesnt get affronted cos i wonder...with the asking u to accompany her to the docs instead of him. I think the boundaries u set now, on ur terms and hers that are agreed upon will save you a lot of hassle in the future regardless of what happens with her and the new guy. Hope it goes smoothly for u!

April 2, 2013

Re-read rule number 27 of the 180. You don't need to say anything, she'll notice it on her own. But, you'll still be available for any co-parenting problems or concerns.

April 2, 2013

Ps about mentioning not wanting to bother her...thats kinda what i mean, u dont need to say that, ur personality if consistent with her, along with the shorter version, will make it clear to her. U dont need to explain it all is what im saying, she knows u.

April 2, 2013

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.

I forgot to mention, Chi Town, something you may find interesting. They also got Easter pictures together two weekends ago that I unfortunately saw. Those pictures INCLUDED pictures of my daughter and him (all of them in a picture, for example, with my daughter lying on his back). Makes me sick so see that.

Easter, "family" pictures together when they haven't been together two months? And then to have my daughter in the pictures with him? I can see them having pictures done of themselves, whatever. But really? Really makes me feel like she has really wiped the slate clean of me and that I am essentially a nobody anymore. I know this isn't entirely true, but it is how I feel. I know I am not and will never be replaced as a father, but I feel like she may be pushing the envelope. My daughter is like the child he never had, and it disgusts me to see him posing in pictures with her like he some fatherly figure in her life now after two months.

April 2, 2013

Ugh, you see this time and time again. The woman in this case is the 'cake eater". She didn't want to be with the OP, she leaves him for dude #2, BUT since co-parenting has become ridiculously OVERDONE nowadays, she basically gets TWO partners.

Two guys to talk with whenever she feels like it, or is annoyed at one or the other. Two men to accompany her and the child to Doctors appts. Two men to celebrate her birthday, Two men to wish her goodnight, one on the phone, one there to give her a massage and f*ck her.

SHE was the bad guy in this scenario, yet she's the one ( and the child of course) who reaps the rewards of her bad behaviour while these two guys have to live within this very uncomfortable, unnatural situation of HER making.

I wish you would move on OP, but as it is, it's going to be hard to find a woman who is ok with you being at your ex's beck and call. CO-PARENTING does not mean daily 24/7 contact as if you were raising the child in the same household: if you want that, don't leave one guy for another, ladies !

April 2, 2013

Ugh, you see this time and time again. The woman in this case is the 'cake eater". She didn't want to be with the OP, she leaves him for dude #2, BUT since co-parenting has become ridiculously OVERDONE nowadays, she basically gets TWO partners.

Two guys to talk with whenever she feels like it, or is annoyed at one or the other. Two men to accompany her and the child to Doctors appts. Two men to celebrate her birthday, Two men to wish her goodnight, one on the phone, one there to give her a massage and f*ck her.

SHE was the bad guy in this scenario, yet she's the one ( and the child of course) who reaps the rewards of her bad behaviour while these two guys have to live within this very uncomfortable, unnatural situation of HER making.

I wish you would move on OP, but as it is, it's going to be hard to find a woman who is ok with you being at your ex's beck and call. CO-PARENTING does not mean daily 24/7 contact as if you were raising the child in the same household: if you want that, don't leave one guy for another, ladies !

Yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. Unfortunately. I don't want it to be like that, but, like I mentioned, I HAVE to see her/communicate with her, within reason (maybe not text her at night asking how my daughter is), everyday due to our schedules. She essentially has her cake and can eat it too, and I want to change that, I am just now trying to figure out the best way to go about it. It really sucks and is complicated.

May 2, 2013

Just an update- shes engaged to this joker now. After 2.5 months. Not only that, there wedding date is in September. Will be married barely after half a year. Wonder if it will last. This is his second marriage. I don't know what got into her.

May 2, 2013

Wow.... Just wow....

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