Another New Relationship

[mighty bop]

Hey Everyone,

Just looking for some feedback/question/comments about my situation!

 

OK I am in a new "relationship" with a girl. I posted about another girl I started a relationship with about 2 years ago on here and I am seeing a lot of similarities between the two. I let myself get in too deep with that girl because we started going out and were intimate, etc. This one has not gotten that far yet, so here we go......

 

Background:

 

So we met through my brother's girlfriend Beth. She (we will call her Jill) lives in another city an hour away and has been coming every weekend to visit Beth, now me. So we start hanging out with each other and by the third weekend she is in my bed. No sex, just kissing, etc. She has been pretty open and honest about everything she has talked about so I learn that she just got out of a 5-year relationship, the last 2 years being not so good for her. Not violence or anything, just general unhappiness. I just got out of a relationship that lasted a little over a year (a girl I was with AFTER the posted one but before this one). It was so-so but I knew the girl was not for me so it just dragged on until I met Jill.

 

While together in bed, Jill says she doesn't know what to do about us since she just got out of the 5-year one. She finally felt free and then all of a sudden she is "with" someone again. So now she feels kinda trapped. We are not officially together so she is not really trapped. She also mentioned that she is scared that I will break her heart and she was wondering if I was scared of her doing the same thing to me. Sometimes she will joke about me getting all the girls out of my room before she comes over. Jill also seems to have an eating disorder. She doesn't seem to be anorexic because she is not super skinny. She likes to eat but when she does, eats very little and every other morning she throws up. Not because she wants to. She has gone to the doctor about this and they have given her some meds. It's some kinda acid reflux disease combo something or other.

 

So anyways, every weekend she would come up and hang out. Last weekend I went down there. So this has been going on for about a little over a month. This past Friday we had planned on her coming down here again but her allergies were pretty bad she decided against it, even though she wanted to see me. I got an email from her saying "I am really enjoying myself whenever we are

together, but I can't help but feel like we are in a

soon-to-be-serious relationship..." It's true. When we are together it is perfect. And I was planning on making it official the next time she came down. But it never happened. That email was a turning point. She decided that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to come see me. I guess she got the feeling like we were together and she was supposed to come see me.

 

The Present:

 

So I email her back and we come to the present. Emails back and forth. So she finally tells me what she wants: She wants to see me every once in awhile but basically remain single. She wants to stop the multiple emails she has been sending me and doesn't want to feel like she has to talk to me or email me everyday. Mind you, this is a problem of hers, not mine. Before, I would email her every once in a while, now it is only to respond to hers. Funny thing is, guess what? She keeps sending them.

 

We also talk on the phone a little bit about all this and I am asking her things like "so basically we are friends with benefits?" or "kissing friends?" and she really didn't know how to respond to that. She told me about her "kissing friends" in college and I was asking if she wanted me to be one of those. I forgot whether she said yes or no but then I asked "So you want to be friends with benefits but I should expect nothing to come of it?" And then she didn't answer. I guess she couldn't. I ask her if there's anything else that I might want to know or that she has been wanting to tell me and she says no. But anyways....

 

She is supposed to come down this friday. IF it happens. Either one of us might call it off. Believe me we are gonna have ourselves a talk though if she comes. I may write all my thoughts down and then ask her straight from the paper.

 

My Thoughts:

 

So here is what I think is going on. I know she really likes me and I know I like her. Or could it just be a two-way infatuation or double-rebound thing going on, but we're not depressed about our past relationships. I think we would be really good together, but there is some reason she is holding back, and I guess it's because it's so soon after this past relationship. Maybe she felt too controlled with her ex. Or she is scared. Either way she still wants to see me and thinks about me a lot, and it's keeping her up at night. I really like this girl. I could easily fall in love with her (if I haven't already), but then again I probably could with any girl I develop an interest in. But of course I have gotten to know this girl, etc which makes it easier.

 

My Plan:

 

When she comes down we are gonna talk. I am gonna find out exactly what she is thinking but that is kinda hard because she is so indecisive and changes her mind often. But we'll see. I wanted to make her my girl but now it's not possible after what she said. I doubt we could do the plan she suggested. I guess it would be called "dating" but we both know we want more than that. At least I do. I can't just "date" someone I like that much, have them sleep in my bed, etc. So I think the best thing to do would be to tell her we should not see each other until she is ready for a relationship in which there is at least some level of commitment (ie. boyfriend/girlfriend). Here is the ending of an email she sent me:

 

"I feel like I broke up with you today!

I'm really glad I get to see you on Friday. I know

whatever happens happens for a reason and things will

work out for the best - I just hope that means I still

get to see you. I'm worried that on Friday after

talking, we will realize it will be too hard and that

will be the end of the great story of mighty bop and Jill"

 

I don't see why it would have to be the end unless the only kind of relationship she would want with me is the one where she remains single, forever.

 

Conclusion:

 

So this is my current situation. I think about it a lot. It's pretty stressful and I really don't want to have to deal with it because there are many other girls out there including one I am interested in (this should not be taken to mean that I really don't like Jill because I do, but I could just as easily like any other girl just as much that wasn't so hard to understand). And I can just go talk to them. But like I said, I really like Jill and want to pursue it further.

 

So, tell me what you all think!

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Chris

[Merin]

Chris, it sounds like Jill got freaked out. She had ended a 5 year relationship then she meets you. The two of you get along well and seem to have a lot in common. So begins just that overwhelming "rush" you get when you've met someone new that you like, ya know?

 

When you can't keep your hands off them, and you talk all of the time trying to know more about them ect.

 

She has tipped her hand in some ways by telling you she is afraid you will hurt her. I think Jill is afraid to get any closer to you than she has because of that fear driving her. She knows if the two of you continue to talk the way you have and see each other the way you have, that she could or would start devoloping deeper feelings for you that are out of her control and that scares her.

 

However, it doesn't seem that you could be happy with just keeping things casual, and IMHO "friends with benefits" is never good, because one or both people end up having feelings that go deeper then someone gets hurt.

 

So with that said, I would tell Jill that you like her so much,and that while you understand that she isn't ready for a serious relationship that because of how much you like her, you couldn't be happy with the friends and benefits thing.......

 

Kind of put the ball in her court and see what she wants to do.

[tanbark813]

I think it sounds like she just wants to be able to date other people. Start dating other girls yourself and I guarantee she'll make up her mind pretty quickly about what she wants.

 

[mighty bop]

Yeah it's weird because she talks like she is worried that I AM seeing other people. But I'm really only interested in her right now and she knows that.

 

That's what I'm basically gonna do is put the ball in her court. I'm gonna find out everything I can this weekend. I am ok with dating her but only if it is exclusive. I don't mind if it's not serious. It kinda seems like if she wants to see other people then I am not good enough for her. That's ok I'll find out what's up for sure soon enough and then make a decision then.

 

Chris

[Always Thinking]

She did just end a long term relationship then here you come! U guys get along great! Another person does take your mind of your ex, however she still has to deal with her emotional issues.... she has to be upset, depressed, and then figure out what she wants! Communication is the key!