Cheating on my wife and I want to stop

[Tussaint]

I don't really labelled cheaters at all. I don't think it's right but it still happens so there is no point in calling out every cheater on it.

Ok thanks

So you caught her in the act of cheating with another guy? If so, then I guess there is your freebie. You can always use that against her if she's going to be upset about your recent cheating. She pretty much has nothing complain about. I can imagine how embarrassing it must have been for her upon you walking on it. Maybe that's why she hasn't confront you (she's too embarrassed about her cheating)..

Well that's already been long worked out. No, this still doesn't mean I get to cheat too. The time we were dating is irrelevant by now. I want to focus on my marriage and I'm the one in the wrong. She doesn't deserve this and neither does my son, who I've lied to more than twice by now and haven't been a good father nor husband lately.

Understandable. You were rightfully hurt and pissed off. Afterall you caught her with another guy.

At that moment, yes I was darn pissed off. Now, nope I hardly think about it. I've been over that when I proposed.

Like I said before, you have that freebie to throw it in her face. You guys are even now and it would be hypocritical of her to leave you for that. You more than forgave her. She's lucky to even have you as her husband. I'm willing to bet she'll forgive you. She knows what's it like cheating and how the cheater has to fight his/her battle towards getting taken back.

It's sad to hear you think that way. So someone that makes a mistake deserves to be punish forever? She made a mistake and loves me. I loved her too.

 

Samsung no I didn't cheat to get back at her otherwise I wouldn't have even married her. The day I proposed, is the time I stopped mentioning it. I haven't since then.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreamingoftigers: yes now with technology advancing even more, a cheater can be tracked down the very same day. She's a computer literate, which is why it wasn't easy for me to cover up my tracks; it took me some time.

 

The more I'm reading your post the more concern I am that it may fall into the wrong hands. I've been so into the ''what if I get caught'' that I've been overdoing it with the covering up that I think I'm making it obvious by not being myself.

 

It's a no-win scenario.

 

And virtually every Betrayed Spouse on here preferred to hear the truth instead of "not knowing."

 

It hurts, it's physically and emotionally, a total sh*t-storm. But it is also a sort of necessary evil in a lot of cases.

 

The best chances are if you cone forward. Take FULL RESPONSIBILITY and answer the questions truthfully but not with specific imagery that will mentally scar (mind movies etc.).

 

If you tell your wife, let her know that another betrayed spouse suggested EMDR to help her process the trauma and move forward. It was what helped the most. It helped resolve other insecurities I had as well.

 

You actually strike me as the type to grow a pair and talk to her about it.

 

Not exactly pathological. But once you've crossed that line, it's easy to stay sucked into it.

 

Seriously, get to MC, pronto. Interview a few possibilities. Try to talk to the therapist FIRST before booking. You have your work cut out for you.

 

I ran across one really out to lunch therapist on my first phone call. He was telling me that my problems started in the womb and that he works with polyamorous couples and that my husband's pornography is all about watching women control each other because blah blah blah.... Just really out there stuff that turned out to all be completely spacey, inaccurate, or not the issue at hand at all. Oh yeah, and he "remembered" his own parents fighting when he was in the womb.

 

I don't think you've realized quite what you've opened here. Many who step outside the marriage don't. Because it feels like an indulgence at first, like ice cream. Not the biggest deal, but not something to shove in someone's face either, and not something that one considers the long-term implications of. But eat only ice cream for even a week or so, and you'll feel quite differently.

 

Although, I just found out I'm lactose intolerant, so that my be skewing my perspective a little bit.

 

And yes, my husband underwent some personality changes, sharp ones between his police encounter and the computer discovery. He treated me like crap. He stopped talking to me like I was his wife at all. Almost like a stranger or inconvenience. (which I was, I was the obstacle between him and his fantasy life). He also refused intimacy.

 

Things still haven't really gotten back in track in that department.

[dreamingoftigers]

I apologize for the rampant spelling and grammar errors.

 

I was actually awarded an English scholarship and a writing scholarship last year, but typing and posting on iPhone makes it look like I should redo 4th grade spelling.

[2sunny]

Just tell your W- she's gonna find out anyway.

 

Stop pretending with the "high morals" act - you cheat.

 

What do you plan to do - cheat every damn time "you get bored with your M"? That's what you described - your W deserves better than that.

 

At least tell her how you cheat when things get stale in the M.

[BetrayedH]

Some Frank Pittman quotes for you:

 

"Marriage is the promise - not the emotions, not even the relationship, but the commitment. To be worth anything more than vacation together, a boarding arrangement, or a temporary job, a marital promise must be made to withstand and weather all human emotions, and inhuman ones as well."

 

"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for a structure."

 

"People who think they can't endure life unless they are "in love" are dangerous. After thirty-seven years in the trenches of family therapy and thirty-seven years in a totally committed, totally realistic marriage, I have come to see "romantic love" as an absurd, albeit delicious, crisis-induced escape from sanity, a narcissistic intoxication with no relationship to loving"

 

"Despite it all, if one is unpartnered and alone, romantic love can be a resolution to loneliness as magically ecstatic and lifesaving as Robinson Crusoe's spotting of the footsteps in the sand. While it will not last, the fact that it was once there and that memories of it can be conjured up from time to time makes a resultant marriage feel special and right. Of course misery (and/or an extensive sexual and romantic supporting cast) can result if the partners are so foolish as to require continuation of their romantic high for a lifetime."

 

"John Gottman finds in What Predicts Divorce that long-term marital satisfaction comes from factors such as companionship and friendship, and the ability to provide support, validation, and understanding, rather than passion and in-loveness. It seems to me dangerous for people to stake their happiness in life on romantic love. They are ecstatic when they experience that most engulfing flight from reality, but miserable when they don't. Romance can pull you out of a funk, but it has far more side effects than Prozac."

 

-ol' 2long

 

Great post, 2 Long. I should send you my exwife's email so you can forward. Being "in love" is fleeting. Mature love is much more about mutual respect and admiration.

[NotCamelot]

Well, I guess you could also say: Karma is a female dog! If you wanted to look at it that way........you could say, now she knows how I felt.

 

But......... two wrongs don't make a right....(old cliche, I know, but true.)

 

First, which woman do you really want? Regardless, if you are to keep your mental sanity, that is the question you have to answer.

 

Now, it is never going to feel good ending either one of the relationships, but one of them has to end. Your wife has done, by your words, the right things since she cheated. However, now it is on you to do the right things. And your child is now a part of that decision. Is it ever right to stay because of the kids? I can't answer that.

 

But you can't keep lying to everyone. And, with that said, if you really do choose to be with your wife, she HAS to know what you've been doing. How can you maintain a M with the huge lie that you've been living laying between you two? Can you really maintain respect for her know that you've been cheating on her without her knowing?

 

You keep saying you don't want her to find out.

 

When she cheated, you had the knowledge of it to make a decision regarding your future with or without her. She deserves the same thing. And if you don't think she deserves to know, then you probably don't need to be with her anyway.

[BetrayedH]

The biggest danger of sending that 2 her, of course, is she might decide she wants 2 reconcile!

 

 

Got a big chuckle out of me on that one.

 

You gotta love infidelity humor.

[ComingInHot]

Tussaint, " I love both my wife and Cindy and this is the hard part. I've trying to reconnect to my wife and really want to stop cheating but Cindy drives me crazy too."

 

Isn't it crazy how sometimes when we are thinking Only of pleasing ourselves, we end up the most displeased w/ourselves?

 

Yet when we choose to do something good for someone else, the one who is the most pleased is the one doing the right and good thing for another.

 

You lied and betrayed Your W. Not a girlfriend. Wife.

You lied to an betrayed Your son. Not some stranger's kid. Your son.

Yet you claim to love miss cindy. The very one who is the reason you have chosen to lie and betray Your own family.

Nice lady you got there pal.

 

Have you though of maybe pulling on your big boy pants and start acting like the man you say you want to be? You know you'll Never BE that man to yourself, your W or your son until You are Honest.

 

You are a crappy person right now BUT you don't have to stay that way.

Good luck,

CIH*

[Spark1111]

Some Frank Pittman quotes for you:

 

"Marriage is the promise - not the emotions, not even the relationship, but the commitment. To be worth anything more than vacation together, a boarding arrangement, or a temporary job, a marital promise must be made to withstand and weather all human emotions, and inhuman ones as well."

 

"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for a structure."

 

"People who think they can't endure life unless they are "in love" are dangerous. After thirty-seven years in the trenches of family therapy and thirty-seven years in a totally committed, totally realistic marriage, I have come to see "romantic love" as an absurd, albeit delicious, crisis-induced escape from sanity, a narcissistic intoxication with no relationship to loving"

 

"Despite it all, if one is unpartnered and alone, romantic love can be a resolution to loneliness as magically ecstatic and lifesaving as Robinson Crusoe's spotting of the footsteps in the sand. While it will not last, the fact that it was once there and that memories of it can be conjured up from time to time makes a resultant marriage feel special and right. Of course misery (and/or an extensive sexual and romantic supporting cast) can result if the partners are so foolish as to require continuation of their romantic high for a lifetime."

 

"John Gottman finds in What Predicts Divorce that long-term marital satisfaction comes from factors such as companionship and friendship, and the ability to provide support, validation, and understanding, rather than passion and in-loveness. It seems to me dangerous for people to stake their happiness in life on romantic love. They are ecstatic when they experience that most engulfing flight from reality, but miserable when they don't. Romance can pull you out of a funk, but it has far more side effects than Prozac."

 

-ol' 2long

 

thank you for this!

 

I love Dr. frank Pittman. read everything he writes on affairs!

 

he is down to earth, filled with common sense, and so damn practical. There is nothing wrong with marriage, there is only something wrong with those who expect marriage to be the be all, end all answer to all their romantic fantasies.

 

A breath of fresh air and a BIG dose of reality.