Cheating on my wife and I want to stop

[Tussaint]

Hi, this is my first post on an infidelity forum and I need some feedback on my current situation. Before you start off labelling me as a loser, let me tell you that I never thought I would find myself in this position and had no idea I would become the cheater.

 

My wife and I meet during our freshman year in college and things were going good until I caught her cheating and angrily flipped the a table as a result and started kicking some stuff on the way out. That guy was sort of a friend (well one of my friend's best friend) and I told her to go to hell and threw her things out of my house, how it was over and basically worst things a guy can ever tell a woman. I admit to going verbally on her but that was because I was extremely hurt at the time.

 

After breaking it off, she would go out of her way in trying to gain me back, crying, saying how I was the only guy she wanted, giving me access to her passwords, cellphone, telling me where she was at, etc. This went on, even when I had gone many months of NC.

 

It was the fact that she didn't date anyone, had gone to counseling and how she was trying too hard that I can say I was convinced. Ok, so I decided to give it one more shot and our relationship was been ok since then and well we got married 8 years ago. She still goes on reassuring me I'm the one she loves.

 

This is the part where I went wrong. Ever since late August of last year I've haven't been feeling the sparks and it's like the same routine. Around this same time, my old ex gf Cindy contacted me through facebook (this was a girl I've been dating a year before meeting my now wife, then gf) and we starting hitting it off from where. To make long story short, I started feeling the sparks again and we end up sleeping together.

 

Now I feel bad. The worst part for me is lying to our 6 year-old boy when he asked me ''Daddy where are you doing'' and I had to tell him that I'm on a double shift. I love both my wife and Cindy and this is the hard part. I've trying to reconnect to my wife and really want to stop cheating but Cindy drives me crazy too.

[Tussaint]

Last thing I want is hurt my wife by her finding this out, after all she went through trying to win me back at the time. Yet, I can't keep my mind off Cindy even when being with my wife.

 

I know I can't have them both.

 

I have a feeling my wife must be suspecting by now because I've been going out more than usually (she knows I was never the type of man to leave too much) and came drunk on 3 different occasions but she won't confront me about it. I feel bad at the same time. Wish I knew how to stop focusing on Cindy. Now I feel like I've living a double life and I'm setting a bad example to my son.

 

I feel like a total liar. I don't want to continue lying to my wife and child. At the same time when I'm with Cindy, it feels different. I start feeling the butterflies in my stomach emotions again, as if falling in love for the first time and it happens again.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Tussaint

[dichotomy]

You "haven't been feeling the sparks, and an old GF contacts you"

 

That's it huh? That's all it took? That's the issue, and so you reach back over 8 years of hard open work on her part? She went to counseling, she beat her self up for it, was an open book, did the hard work on her own to win you back.

 

Are you feeling you finally got even?

 

You mention how angry you were at her betrayal. How would she feel - or your son.

 

I was expecting to at least here some of the things others post as rationale for their issues in the marriage - no sex for months (or bad sex), treats you poorly, cold, etc...

 

Whats the downside to remaining committed to your wife and stopping this affair? Believe me their will always be some sparks available with someone new (even if you married your old GF). Sparks die out, a warm glow does not.

Edited April 2, 2013 by dichotomy

[Tussaint]

You "haven't been feeling the sparks, and an old GF contacts you"

 

Thats it huh? Thats all it took? Thats the issue, and so you reach back over 8 years of hard open work on her part? She went to counseling, she did the hard work on her own to win you back.

 

I was expecting to at least here some of the things other post - no sex for months, treats you poorly, etc...

Trust me I feel bad, which is why I don't have the guts to confess and have been writing to Cindy under another sn with a different password (I also delete text messages on my cellphone right away). I really want to stop but Cindy won't stop contacting me. It feels like I were a teenager again.

 

I just want to go back to the way it was before I become involve in this affair, that I'm trying to break it off. Can it be done without my wife finding out?

[Furious]

Trust me I feel bad, which is why I don't have the guts to confess and have been writing to Cindy under another sn with a different password (I also delete text messages on my cellphone right away). I really want to stop but Cindy won't stop contacting me. It feels like I were a teenager again.

 

I just want to go back to the way it was before I become involve in this affair, that I'm trying to break it off. Can it be done without my wife finding out?

 

If Cindy really loved you, she wouldn't be willing to help you destroy your marriage and possibly give your son a broken home.

 

You don't need anyone's permission to end the affair, that's on you.

[Tussaint]

If Cindy really loved you, she wouldn't be willing to help you destroy your marriage and possibly give your son a broken home.

 

You don't need anyone's permission to end the affair, that's on you.

This makes sense, which is why I have to end this. I will tell her how we can no longer contact each other and how this isn't fair to my marriage nor son. I believe this is the fog stage I'm in right now, in which is not love with Cindy but I'm confusing it.

 

Hope my wife doesn't find out about this though.

[Tussaint]

Oh but it will. You held her to a standard for cheating...you should also be held to that standard.

How? If I'm not leaving any physical evidence. I've erased messages from my cellphone, wrote to Cindy on a private account and never gave her my home number. In addition, Cindy is single.

 

Needless to say I wouldn't know what to say if she found out. I would feel very ashamed (everything I put her through before and she still thinking I'm the one with the high grounds..now I know what it feels like being the cheater and feeling horrible). Well at least I'm going to end my affair. This is one step towards recovering my marriage.

 

I never meant to hurt my wife nor son.

[Lillyfree]

How? If I'm not leaving any physical evidence. I've erased messages from my cellphone, wrote to Cindy on a private account and never gave her my home number. In addition, Cindy is single.

 

doesn't matter what you've done to cover your tracks, Cindy could be the one that tells your wife of your affair.

 

i would suggest you come clean to her before she finds out from Cindy.

[Furious]

How? If I'm not leaving any physical evidence. I've erased messages from my cellphone, wrote to Cindy on a private account and never gave her my home number. In addition, Cindy is single.

 

Needless to say I wouldn't know what to say if she found out. I would feel very ashamed (everything I put her through before and she still thinking I'm the one with the high grounds..now I know what it feels like being the cheater and feeling horrible). Well at least I'm going to end my affair. This is one step towards recovering my marriage.

 

I never meant to hurt my wife nor son.

 

 

Take a deep breath, you at least are realizing the risks you've taken and how hypocritical you've been.

 

You sound very sacred and confused, and that's understandable.

 

I worry that the big lie will always be a wall between you and your wife. I can guarantee you that you're marriage has suffered since your affair began.

 

I recommend you get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. I think it will help you learn and understand about affairs and boundaries. I think ths book should be a must for all couples.

[underwater2010]

You need to break it off with Cindy and focus on your wife and kid. Trust me, if you put half the effort into your family that you are putting into sneaking around you will be surprised by the results.

 

A mature person realizes that long term marriages are not about the sparks always being there. They come and go.

 

As far as your wife not finding out....maybe/maybe not. My fwh's affair was over about a year before I discovered the evidence. Trust me, you always leave some behind.

[underwater2010]

Oh.....and never underestimate a scorned woman. You stating that she won't stop contacting you, even when you have wanted to stop says alot about her.....and you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Trust me I feel bad, which is why I don't have the guts to confess and have been writing to Cindy under another sn with a different password (I also delete text messages on my cellphone right away). I really want to stop but Cindy won't stop contacting me. It feels like I were a teenager again.

 

I just want to go back to the way it was before I become involve in this affair, that I'm trying to break it off. Can it be done without my wife finding out?

 

This might sound like a torpedo aimed and fired at you:

 

My husband cheated as well. When I would try to talk about my pain etc. Over the betrayal and the cratering to my self-esteem he would shout things like, "I feel bad enough already!"

 

I don't mean to be crass, but who gives a sh*t if you feel bad about destroying your family. It's supposed to feel bad. That's probably the one feeling you shouldn't ignore in this mess you've created.

 

Plus you know (kinda) how this feels. BUT you font know how it feels after being married and bearing the guy's child.

 

Yes, "Cindy" is going to break you out of that routine that you couldn't manage to find the balls to spice up with your wife.

 

But "Cindy" is going to shake up your routine a helluva lot more when you become an every-other-weekend Dad, collecting more shifts to fork over child support.

 

Lying to your kid? And you can't stop?

 

Wake the Hell up and stop risking your son's stability and childhood for your "butterflies."

 

Or go catch your "butterflies" and let the adults do the adult things (like raising children and fixing relationships).

[samsungxoxo]

Hi, this is my first post on an infidelity forum and I need some feedback on my current situation. Before you start off labelling me as a loser, let me tell you that I never thought I would find myself in this position and had no idea I would become the cheater.

I don't really labelled cheaters at all. I don't think it's right but it still happens so there is no point in calling out every cheater on it.

 

My wife and I meet during our freshman year in college and things were going good until I caught her cheating and angrily flipped the a table as a result and started kicking some stuff on the way out.

So you caught her in the act of cheating with another guy? If so, then I guess there is your freebie. You can always use that against her if she's going to be upset about your recent cheating. She pretty much has nothing complain about. I can imagine how embarrassing it must have been for her upon you walking on it. Maybe that's why she hasn't confront you (she's too embarrassed about her cheating).

 

I told her to go to hell and threw her things out of my house, how it was over and basically worst things a guy can ever tell a woman. I admit to going verbally on her but that was because I was extremely hurt at the time.

Understandable. You were rightfully hurt and pissed off. Afterall you caught her with another guy.

 

This is the part where I went wrong. Ever since late August of last year I've haven't been feeling the sparks and it's like the same routine. Around this same time, my old ex gf Cindy contacted me through facebook (this was a girl I've been dating a year before meeting my now wife, then gf) and we starting hitting it off from where. To make long story short, I started feeling the sparks again and we end up sleeping together.

 

Now I feel bad. The worst part for me is lying to our 6 year-old boy when he asked me ''Daddy where are you doing'' and I had to tell him that I'm on a double shift. I love both my wife and Cindy and this is the hard part. I've trying to reconnect to my wife and really want to stop cheating but Cindy drives me crazy too.

Like I said before, you have that freebie to throw it in her face. You guys are even now and it would be hypocritical of her to leave you for that. You more than forgave her. She's lucky to even have you as her husband. I'm willing to bet she'll forgive you. She knows what's it like cheating and how the cheater has to fight his/her battle towards getting taken back.

[samsungxoxo]

Don't be so selfish! She deserves the right 2 make her own decision about her own life (and her son's). She may decide 2 leave you. That's 2 bad for you, but she has the right 2 make that choice. You have no right robbing her of it.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I think we should give this guy a break. He caught her cheating with another guy back when they were dating. He still married her knowing what she did.

 

So now it just happens to be his turn this time. His wife is more than likely gonna forgive him anyway because if not, then she would be a hypocrite.

Edited April 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[dreamingoftigers]

How? If I'm not leaving any physical evidence. I've erased messages from my cellphone, wrote to Cindy on a private account and never gave her my home number. In addition, Cindy is single.

 

Needless to say I wouldn't know what to say if she found out. I would feel very ashamed (everything I put her through before and she still thinking I'm the one with the high grounds..now I know what it feels like being the cheater and feeling horrible). Well at least I'm going to end my affair. This is one step towards recovering my marriage.

 

I never meant to hurt my wife nor son.

 

Blah ha ha.

 

Really? My husband got busted during a completely out of the blue encounter with police in which he wasn't doing anything illegal.

 

It raised too many questions of "why were you there?" "at that time?"

 

Then something he thought he totally erased came up on a computer 6 months later and up popped his secret life.

 

It didn't matter that I didn't have every email or text. I had his history.

 

Frankly, it'll eat you alive every. Single. Day.

 

You will wonder if anyone saw you. You will wonder is your wife is suspicious. You'll wonder if your wife might have cheated again to get back at the cheating she might very well know you did, but don't have the guys to confess. You'll wonder if you're son will confess it when he's older.

 

My father got caught by me, by accident when I was 3000 miles away.

 

It was laughable, he was crapping bricks. He thought I was someone else phoning, so he answered. My mother didn't know where he was. She thought he was working. He was in a hotel room with his ho. I could hear her braking off in the background because she thought _I_ was another girl. Traumatic for me, very yucky indeed. But he's never once had the balls to bring it up and talk about it.

 

He thought he had all the bases covered. The rooms were rented in her name. So when he called in front of my mother to price he hadn't rented a room there, the lady at the front desk knew him do well, she said "no, there's no rooms for C. C. R. BUT, there are a lot of those records for P. W."

 

Ha ha ha.

 

You'll wonder if the wife got suspicious and slapped a GPS on your car. Or spyware on your phone. You'll wonder if Cindy's best friend ran into your wife's cousin.

 

And of course, there will be that classic time where your wife drops you off a special dinner because you're "working so hard" and you, wait a second...where are you if you aren't at work?

 

We've had on this great old website friends of OW doing the exposures, BFS who've come out of the woodwork.... Even an anonymous note left on a car, with photographed evidence.

 

And whether or not your wife finds out. YOU will know. And if you feel bad now, it will EAT. YOU. THE.FUC*. ALIVE.

 

And you will think about it everyday until you spill your guts. And then your wife gets to think about it everyday for the next 2 to 5 years, if she doesn't drop your ass to the curb first.

 

Unfortunately you didn't pop on over here first. Some folks read up in temptation stage, and U-turn from their almost plans to screw around. Googled a little too late.

 

Now you can try the "bury it deep" game. Because, really, your self-control has so been effectively proven. Or you can try to be honest and take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for the crapola you've caused and be a better example to your son of what a man is.

[dreamingoftigers]

As far as your wife not finding out....maybe/maybe not. My fwh's affair was over about a year before I discovered the evidence. Trust me, you always leave some behind.

 

Like sh*t stuck to a blanket.

 

You can turn the blanket over, but the stink is still there. Waiting for someone to pick it up.

[samsungxoxo]

Hmmm....:(

Yeah it's a tragic case. I'm wondering if somewhere down the road, ''getting back at her'' (well belated revenge) might have played a role on his cheating too? Then again, maybe he didn't but it's a coincidence to cheat when you've been cheated on first; most of the times that's done out of revenge.

Afterall people don't just forget getting cheated on, esp if the cheater got caught red-handed.

Edited April 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[dreamingoftigers]

I think we should give this guy a break. He caught her cheating with another guy back when they were dating. He still married her knowing what she did.

 

So now it just happens to be his turn this time. His wife is more than likely gonna forgive him anyway because if not, then she would be a hypocrite.

 

Or she could very well say, "you held out from me for months until I 100% proved myself loyal and changing. I thought you had high standards. I thought you realized that I adopted them too. That's why we got MARRIED and had a CHILD together. This isn't college anymore, Dipsh*t! And you knew EXACTLY the pain and humiliation this would cause. Go Fu*k yourself."

 

Samsung, you don't get "freebies" when you get married and have a kid.

 

Get real.

 

My mom messed around on my Dad 36 years before he cheated on her. They had been dating for six months. She told him what happened. They got back together. They were engaged five years. They got married and had three children, two handicapped. Her father sent them boatloads of money and helped them buy a house.

 

He didn't earn a "freebie" four month affair 36 years later!

 

He made vows. He broke them. He's also a selfish narcissist. I dint think it's the first time he broke those vows either.

 

That's just ridiculous.

[Tussaint]

I recommend you get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. I think it will help you learn and understand about affairs and boundaries. I think ths book should be a must for all couples.

It sounds like a great book but then my wife is going to probably ask why I'm reading it.

[Tussaint]

Tell your wife. Let her help you get off your duff and make a decision.

 

-ol' 2long

But you're saying it as if confessing it's easy. It won't be easy. I guess I will but I'm not ready yet. I need some time to think about it.

For the meantime, Cindy will be gone from my friends list and I'll call it quits. She'll understand.

[Tussaint]

Indeed. What are you going 2 do? How are you going 2 clean up this mess?

 

-ol' 2long

I'm going to stop my affair altogether.

[Tussaint]

Don't be so selfish! She deserves the right 2 make her own decision about her own life (and her son's). She may decide 2 leave you. That's 2 bad for you, but she has the right 2 make that choice. You have no right robbing her of it.

 

-ol' 2long

I know but I'm not ready to confess yet. I will do it after I've sort this out. Like I said, that's not easy.

[dreamingoftigers]

But you're saying it as if confessing it's easy. It won't be easy. I guess I will but I'm not ready yet. I need some time to think about it.

For the meantime, Cindy will be gone from my friends list and I'll call it quits. She'll understand.

 

You might want to ask her to go to marital counseling with you.

 

Clearly you are going to need some supports through this.

 

On a seemingly-unrelated note, do you have many guy friends.

 

I've noticed a bit of a correlation with cheating men (specifically the one's who actually feel bad etc) and not being able to bond particularly well with men in friendships.

 

Apparently it also plays a role in sexual addiction (I don't think you are a sexual addict, just from your posts etc.)

[Tussaint]

Are you feeling you finally got even?

No, I wasn't thinking about that. My affair was mainly due to lack of spark. I got bored suddenly and I should have been honest about that instead turning to Cindy.

You mention how angry you were at her betrayal.

That's been long ago discussed and everything has been answered. I married her because I forgave her completely and felt I could trust her again.

How would she feel - or your son.

Devastated as she trusts me and thinks of me as the one with the high morals. This is what makes me feel even more guilty. On top of that I haven't been acting like myself lately; just declined intimacy again, had to lie to my son again, came home late and got moody with her for no reason (which I apologized afterwards).

[Tussaint]

Dreamingoftigers: yes now with technology advancing even more, a cheater can be tracked down the very same day. She's a computer literate, which is why it wasn't easy for me to cover up my tracks; it took me some time.

 

The more I'm reading your post the more concern I am that it may fall into the wrong hands. I've been so into the ''what if I get caught'' that I've been overdoing it with the covering up that I think I'm making it obvious by not being myself.