ksinger Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) I am single with no children and very recently met, and started dating, a man who has been divorced for 5 years and has two children with her. I have no problem dating someone divorced, or who has children, but it just so happens that I have not very often done so. So I am curious about something... The few divorced men I’ve dated in the past, and most friends I have who are divorced, usually don’t spend Holidays, or other significant days, with there Ex-wives nor do they want to. And if there are children involved they divide the time. He (Ken) and I email a lot, since we live a few hours a way from each other, and his last email he sent sort of set off a red flag for me and I’m not sure why… it just gave me a weird feeling…(like women’s intuition or something…) It went something like this regarding his Easter…. I was thinking about you and wanted to say good night. Hope you had a terrific day. Mine was very unexpected, but nice. My ex wife invited me to brunch with her and the kids. It was a very nice restaurant, and a special treat for sure. (I don't get to places like that much anymore) After, I went to the dog park with them. It was good exercise after eating like I did. …… Then he goes on to mention it was a very full day and then he went home and had a good night, etc. So, I was just wondering if spending Easter with an ex-wife is unusual….I’m not judging that I think it’s weird or anything… sorry if this is a silly question, but I don’t date very often, lol, and am trying to figure out why my gut feeling says to run! (when looking at it objectivly, he really hasn't done anything wrong so feeling like running makes no sence, right? Or am I wrong? I’d appreciate your objective feedback. Thank you. Kelly Edited April 2, 2013 by ksinger
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 This is part of the package when you date a man with kids. Baby mama will always be in the picture.Just be glad he's got a good relationship with her. It's so imperative for those kids. For the record, I do realize how tough it would be to picture them having a holiday as one big happy family. Main reason I couldn't date someone with children.
soccerrprp Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 For the record, I do realize how tough it would be to picture them having a holiday as one big happy family. Main reason I couldn't date someone with children. That is someone with children where an ex is still involved, right? How about us single fathers, widowers?
runningfar Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I am single with no children and very recently met, and started dating, a man who has been divorced for 5 years and has two children with her. I have no problem dating someone divorced, or who has children, but it just so happens that I have not very often done so. So I am curious about something... The few divorced men I’ve dated in the past, and most friends I have who are divorced, usually don’t spend Holidays, or other significant days, with there Ex-wives nor do they want to. And if there are children involved they divide the time. He (Ken) and I email a lot, since we live a few hours a way from each other, and his last email he sent sort of set off a red flag for me and I’m not sure why… it just gave me a weird feeling…(like women’s intuition or something…) It went something like this regarding his Easter…. I was thinking about you and wanted to say good night. Hope you had a terrific day. Mine was very unexpected, but nice. My ex wife invited me to brunch with her and the kids. It was a very nice restaurant, and a special treat for sure. (I don't get to places like that much anymore) After, I went to the dog park with them. It was good exercise after eating like I did. …… Then he goes on to mention it was a very full day and then he went home and had a good night, etc. So, I was just wondering if spending Easter with an ex-wife is unusual….I’m not judging that I think it’s weird or anything… sorry if this is a silly question, but I don’t date very often, lol, and am trying to figure out why my gut feeling says to run! (when looking at it objectivly, he really hasn't done anything wrong so feeling like running makes no sence, right? Or am I wrong? I’d appreciate your objective feedback. Thank you. Kelly It wouldn't bother me if he's being open and not acting cagey. It isn't really spending it with the ex, it's with the kids. It's good for them to be around both parents. I'd think that was so much better than some acrimonious relationship. It would be great if I were every to marry a man with kids that all of us could be around each other and all be positive for the kids. 3
Author ksinger Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I appreciated your time.
Author ksinger Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Not sure if you meant the question for me? But, yes, I was only referring to the relationship with the Ex, ...absolutely.
MoreThanThat Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'd have no issue with what you wrote other than the gut feeling comment you added in. Is your gut usually right? Mine is. I've been in daily contact with someone for a few weeks now which may turn into more (I'm out of town at the moment). He spent Easter with his ex and kids - with a bunch of other people as well. He texted me a few times from there and we talked when he got home. I saw it as no big issue personally. He has a great relationship with his ex. I've shied away from being involved with men with children. OFTEN there is drama of some sort. They have a great relationship. I'd prefer this than the other way personally and it's the only reason I opened the door at all.
FitChick Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My friend is newly divorced with two small kids. She and the ex divide up birthdays and holidays so they each get full time with the kids at those times. In other words, the kids get two birthday parties or dinners, so they love it. She said she wouldn't want the kids to think they were getting back together if mom and dad spent a holiday together with the kids.
Flier Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It would not bother me if he is having dinner including the kids. They should come first, and probably want to spend holiday time with both parents there. After all, their family was fractured in the divorce. I did the same with my child and my ex-husband, and I expected my BF to trust me, because my intentions were innocent.
Emissary Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 You know, sometimes people just divorce because they don't love each other anymore, and not because they hate or even dislike each other. It's possible they just decided to be friends after the separation. It doesn't matter if they're divorced, that's still his family, her family, their family, it's an unbreakable bond. No, it's not usual, but it's a good thing to see people just be at peace with a situation like that. You should respect him more for being able to do that. 3
SoleMate Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 It is unusual, but that does not necessarily mean bad. Although I always wonder, If you enjoy spending time together, why get divorced....especially if you have kids? It's true there is no law saying you have to be hostile to the ex-spouse, but if you can get along, why not stay married? Is it just because of some second-order issue? Next thought: Your gut is not to be ignored. Does it usually steer you straight?
Crila16 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Here's the thing...there are no rules. Normal or not normal for an ex to spend holidays together, is all individual. It depends on how bad the break up was. Did they part as friends or enemies. First off...there is one thing you have to remember. They divorced for a reason. If they wanted to be together, they would have stayed together. The fact that he txt'd you and was honest about it was a positive. He also seemed to be brushing it off, like it was a "no big deal", but a good thing for him, because he got to spend time with the kids and his ex (for the sake of the kids) on a holiday. Dating a divorced man with kids...the ex will ALWAYS be in the picture, whether you like it or not. If you choose to stay with him, you're going to have to get used to it. You actually should be very happy if they are on good terms and are civil to each other. It's better for the kids, and it will make your life a lot easier, should you and he decide to get serious, move in together or marry one day.
Author ksinger Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thank you all so much for your feedback. You really helped me a lot to work out the confusion I was feeling about this at first. I do usually trust my gut feeling about things but not right 100% percent of the time (more like 98%, lol). Sometimes it can be just fear... Thinking about it now it is very admirable of him if he is maintaining a friendship with his wife if it is for the kids' sake. Maybe he is a good guy after all. I'll try to keep an open mind. Thank you again.
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