Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Yesterday I had the Sunday blues, today it's the monday deep dark browns... This is the first time I've broken up with someone and been consumed by so much doubt and regret afterwards. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for ****ing this relationship up. Have realised too late in the day what a good person he is and how much I relied on him. I have to face the fact that I ruined this. I feel like a kid who's smashed her favourite toy in a fit of rage. When someone else screws you over at least you can say 'oh well, he was a ****ty person' and move on. When you've done it to yourself, what do you do? Not really looking for advice so much as just needing to rant and whine a bit, I think. There's nothing worse than hating yourself. Guess I have to assume that this stage will pass, too..
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sorry that you are hurting. May I ask what has changed since your last post, when you wanted to continue pursuing a possible reconciliation?
Author Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Thanks for your kind words. I think, for a while after the breakup I was focused on what I felt he'd done to wrong me. Then I realised, he never did any of that stuff intentionally, he's just not very intuitive and didn't know what I needed (how could he, since I never told him). Now I'm looking back and seeing all the stuff I did - pushing him away. And I feel really bad about it. One thing in particular - at one point I was emotionally unfaithful to him. After our first breakup, when we got back together he told me he'd applied for a job on the other side of the world. I guess I didn't feel too committed to the relationship after that. Shortly after I went to a conference where I ran into an ex, who showered me with attention etc etc. I told this guy that I missed him. I guess I feel like that's unforgiveable. I still want a reconciliation but how could we ever get back together when I did that? I'd have to tell him, but I feel so ashamed. I guess I just feel like there's no hope, I ****ed this up and now I have to pay the price.
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I understand that you are taking responsibility for your actions, which is admirable. At the same time, it sounds like you might be criticizing yourself too harshly. Are you currently communicating with him?
Author Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 No, not at all. I havent seen him again since then. He's actually married now - he was engaged at the time. And yes, I know that makes me even ****tier. I apologized about 5 seconds after I said it. But still, I said it.
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Actually, I meant your most recent ex. Sorry for the confusion.
Author Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 It is confusing Yes, we work together, althought I don't see him much at work. He wanted to remain friends after the break up, we have coffee together about once a week. We don't talk about anything serious.
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Do you think it might help you gain some clarity about the situation if you took a break from your weekly coffee meetings for a while? From what I've read in your threads, it seems like you are experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions, and seeing him, I imagine, only fuels this confusion.
Author Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 You're right. Even though it's only once a week, I pretty much spend my day at work hoping that today will be the day I hear from him / get to see him. I need to stop living in hope, accept what's happened and start getting over it. Thank you for being so kind in your messages - I deserve much harsher words. I don't know what's wrong with me really, it seems like I can't commit to anyone when I'm in a relationship. As soon as anything goes wrong I run. I'm 37, I really want to break this cycle. And I guess I'm wondering how I can fix that by remaining single - its like a catch-22. This guy deserves better though.
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'm glad that you find my comments helpful. I don't know you, obviously, but I stand by my impression you are being too hard on yourself right now. I do think some time away from your ex could provide valuable insight and perspective. I myself have historically been a disaster area in romantic relationships. It's only in my current relationship that I have been able to take better care of myself and thus establish some healthier patterns, boundaries, and interdependence rather than swinging to the extremes. So, I empathize with your struggles. Sending good thoughts.
Author Lostint Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Mineloa - can I ask you a couple of questions? What do you think I should say to my ex about not going for coffee with him? I already said no twice last week because I was in meetings when he texted. I feel like if I just keep saying no, making up excuses, that's not very honest. On the other hand, I'm aware that if I tell him the reason - that I still have feelings for him and these coffees aren't doing me any good - for a start I'll be secretly hoping he'll tell me he wants back together, but more realistically, I feel like I'll just be giving him another opportunity to tell me he doesn't want to be in a relationship etc etc. My other question was, what's different about this relationship you're in now? Is it that you changed (learnt about yourself etc) or that this relationship is just 'right'? This is something I'm struggling with a lot - everyone says relationships take work. How can I know whether this relationship didn't work out because I avoided conflict, didn't communicate with him about what I needed etc, or if we just weren't 'right' for each other?
Minneloa Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Mineloa - can I ask you a couple of questions? What do you think I should say to my ex about not going for coffee with him? I already said no twice last week because I was in meetings when he texted. I feel like if I just keep saying no, making up excuses, that's not very honest. On the other hand, I'm aware that if I tell him the reason - that I still have feelings for him and these coffees aren't doing me any good - for a start I'll be secretly hoping he'll tell me he wants back together, but more realistically, I feel like I'll just be giving him another opportunity to tell me he doesn't want to be in a relationship etc etc. My other question was, what's different about this relationship you're in now? Is it that you changed (learnt about yourself etc) or that this relationship is just 'right'? This is something I'm struggling with a lot - everyone says relationships take work. How can I know whether this relationship didn't work out because I avoided conflict, didn't communicate with him about what I needed etc, or if we just weren't 'right' for each other? Good morning! Hope you are feeling a bit better today. In terms of what to tell your ex, perhaps you could simply tell him that you need some time and space to process the breakup? It's honest, but it doesn't get into your feelings and stir up more confusion. What do you think? As for my current relationship, I would definitely say that the difference is in myself. The man I am seeing has many wonderful qualities, but all of these would have been lost on the "old me" because I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and anxiety. In a nutshell, what helped me was to learn to take care of myself emotionally. This is abstract, but it includes concrete actions like going to a support group (Al-Anon), cultivating close platonic relationships (friends and family) in which I learned healthy boundaries and mutual trust, and pursuing my own professional and creative interests (attending conferences amd meeting like-minded peers, etc.). All of these things helped me establish a stronger sense of self, so that when my current boyfriend entered the picture, I was sturdy enough to give him a chance. Hope that makes sense! M. 2
Author Lostint Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks M. It makes me feel better to hear that you were able to make this relationship work because of what you'd learned from your experiences. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I went through some traumatic times in my twenties and had to deal with some stuff that most people never experience. I prided myself on how I soldiered on but I feel like its all been catching up with me in the last few years. I spent my twenties being strong and thinking I could cope with everything on my own. Now I feel like all my strength is gone and I need someone to love and support me, and to offer them that back. However the independent 'I don't need anyone' trait is ingrained strongly, so I end up doing this push-pull thing. Today was a classic - I went into work feeling shattered and teary after a sleepless night, and had to go straight into a 3 hour meeting with him and a bunch of others. I was the second to arrive - he was already there, I ignored him and sat on the other side of the room. Basically because I couldn't face seeing him and was feeling on the verge of tears. But here I am again, treating him horribly. I've decided to talk to him tomorrow, and explain why I do this. He thinks I'm angry at him, and I'm not, I'm just not dealing very well with my own emotions. I'm leaving for 3 weeks on Sunday so I'll have a break from seeing him then anyway.
Author Lostint Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 FooledTwice: doesn't it make the break up easier if you know that about your ex? She wasn't a great person, so at least you can't have her up on a pedestal and want her back. I'm sure it's devastating to your sense of self to have someone cheat on you, but you just need to change the glasses through which you're looking at things- this is all on her and nothing to do with you. Someone cheating on you doesn't say anything about you, it only says something about her.
Minneloa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I think the three weeks away will be very helpful for you, and I urge you not to contact him in any way during this time. It sounds like you are emotionally overwhelmed right now, which is understandable, and I think you owe it to yourself to completely step back from this painful situation and its emotional triggers. I'm rooting for you!
Supersonic23 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I was also recently the dumper for the first time. It's not fun. Or easy. I'm on week 2, and I've been doing nothing but second guessing myself. Part of me can rationalize why I did it. But the other part wants to say **** it and make it work. Still not really sure what I'm going to do. But time away from that person will definitely help with some clarity. The first few days for me were especially rough because we were still talking. Her reactions and general emotional instability definitely affected how I was processing everything. I mean, I loved the girl and she loved me. Our situation was sort of complicated since she broke up with me last summer. But still. Kind of feel like that's all we'd need to make it work if we both wanted it. Not really sure, though. Either way. Take some time apart. Like, totally apart. Full no contact. Process your feelings. You won't fully be able to do that if you're still talking with him.
Author Lostint Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Well today we put the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. Half of me is devastated and half of me is relieved to be able to move on now. False hope is definitely the worst! Met him for coffee and explained how I've been feeling he gave me the line hes been giving me for the last two months of not wanting to be in a relationship right now and that he's too selfish etc etc. I called him on it and told him that I thought he was bull****ting me and that really he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He admitted it and said that he doesnt think we would work out in the long run. Ouch! I've spent the afternoon feeling angry, bitter and rejected. Why did I have to be the one breaking up 3 times when I was picking up on ambivalence that was really there? Why did he tell me in November that he loved me? But I also realise how hypocritical I'm being. We don't really have a connection, we don't really get each other at all. Together we are monochrome, we drag each other down, and I want a life in full technicolor. I guess you can still have feelings for someone and care about them deeply, but still know it isn't right. I think I've been hanging on because I want SOMEONE. I've been blaming myself and my own history/issues for ruining things between us. But the fact is, on our first date I remember feeling disappointed (he seemed like such a nice guy but we're not really connecting, he's saying things that are making my alarm bells ring). But then he kissed me, and for some reason i decided to ignore all the alarm bells and jump in. Anyway, here's what I think I've learned: - don't get together with someone just because you want a relationship and a guy who looks good on paper happened to come along - if you don't feel a connection pretty quickly, you're probably never gonna feel it - if you start getting concerned that things aren't working, discuss it with the person, instead of breaking up in the hope of a reaction - if you can't laugh together and enjoy each others sense of humor, you're probably screwed I've wasted a year and four months of my life, and I'm no spring chicken any more. The struggle now is to get back to who I was - confident and happy, instead of how I feel now - the loser who was rejected by this guy
Author Lostint Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I think what I wrote yesterday was mostly just out of anger. I've been feeling angry like my ex lied to me, because if he doesn't want to get back together now then he must not have meant any of the stuff he said to me before we broke up. Now I think maybe that's wrong. Probably he still does care about me but just thinks that we wouldn't work out. I've been realizing I was in a depression for most of our relationship, and still am. I got to a point where I felt really hopeless about life, didn't have the energy / motivation to do anything, couldn't see anything positive in the future, and got really passive about everything. So he really only saw this negative side of me and thinks that that's who I am. This started about 2-3 months in to our relationship. I'm not sure whether it was the relationship that caused it. It coincides with when I started taking the pill and I kind of think there might be a pattern here - my last two boyfriends, something very similar happened: we got together, I started taking the pill, 3 months in I get really depressed and start feeling psycho, blame it on the relationship and break things off. Obviously I stop taking the pill then. The first relationship where this happened, I felt better almost straight away. The second one, it took me about 6 months to recover. With this one, it's been a year since I stopped taking the pill and I still feel depressed. So either: - these relationships weren't right and being in them made me depressed - somehow the pill is making me depressed, but why do I still feel depressed after stopping it? - maybe I just am chronically depressed and don't notice it until I have someone sharing my life with me
Author Lostint Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 I guess I'm treating this thread like a journal - sorry if I'm boring everyone but it's helpful for me because my feelings are still on a roller coaster and are changing day to day. Getting feedback from people has been helpful too. Today I'm feeling much more accepting of the situation. I've realised I need to start looking forward and stop looking back at things I can't change now. But i still feel sad and wonder whether this relationship could have worked out if I'd had my act together. The counsellor i'm seeing thinks that me pushing him away hurt him badly and that now he's got his protective walls up. I'm not so sure - he really seems pretty much over it. When I told him what our colleague said about how he lights up around me, he said its just because he knows me so well and feels comfortable around me I.e. I shouldn't read anything in to it. Anyway, I feel like thinking along those lines - that maybe he's just hurt and if I hang in there I can show him we can make it work - just keeps false hope alive in me and keeps me in this constant cycle of hope followed by depression. it's time to move on and put this sadness and depression behind me. I have some stuff to return to him and am wondering whether to do it before I leave, so that I have no excuse to see him when I get back. It seems callous to just leave it on his desk. At this point I honestly don't think I even want to see him though, it just hurts too much.
Author Lostint Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Have decided not to return his stuff to him today, because I know it will make me feel worse. I'm leaving for 3 weeks so I'll have that time away from him. I feel like it's going to take at least until August before I could handle talking to him again / be in a good enough state of mind to deal with it. In the meantime I need to sort myself out, figure out what's causing this depression. I'm considering asking my doctor to prescribe meds. Just because I know I need to make some changes, but I wake up in the morning and just want to go back to sleep and not have to think. Even though objectively I have nothing to feel that miserable about. I have to force myself to do everything. And I'm still confused about this entire situation - did he reject me or did I reject him? Because if it was me, there's still that niggling feeling that I should apologise more, tell him I'll never do this to him again, will do anything to get his trust back. But if he really just wasn't that into me all along, then begging is just going to make it worse... Confused
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