VincentK Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) Hey folks, just wanted your opinion on my current situation and would greatly appreciate your feedback about my 'relationship'. History: We've been dating for nearly 4 years. Relatively, it was a happy relationship. No physical fights, no cheating, no friends or family problems, everything was good. Where things fell short was the communication. We lacked effective communication so we always got the wrong ideas. When we were mad, we never solved anything because of different expectations. I also had a bad habit of saying things I didn't mean when I was mad, ultimately leading to a breakup because I "hadn't learned my lesson and changed". So yes, she broke up with me once before for a week, but took me back because she thought I changed. This time, she is unsure and unconfident to take me back because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore and doesn't trust me. I begged the first week, then went NC for a month to work on myself. Current Situation After a month of NC, she called me. Ever since that, we've been having regular nightly phone calls and text throughout the day. I try to limit it to stand my ground and give us space. She says she doesn't want me to think she's leading me on or giving me false hope, but she knows she wants to talk. She's been initiating all the calls/texts. She says she misses talking to me. She always says she doesn't want me to go when I decide to hang up. She's been trying to make sure I don't get the wrong ideas about her and says she's somewhat bothered by me hanging out with another chick (I dislike her anyways). Basically, she's been initiating all the contacts and has been talking very happily. She initiated lunch outings and hangouts. She's progressively being more open about talking about our relationship and her feelings about why we failed. She's not one to play games or play "hard to get" or anything. She's very straightforward, no tests or nonsense. She says my opinions and thoughts still matter to her, so she obviously still cares about me. Do you guys think I'm getting into the "friend-zone"? Or is she possibly on the fence trying to get back with me? I have changed for the better and she even agreed. Just thought I'd hear your opinions on this. Thanks guys! Edited April 1, 2013 by VincentK
iouaname Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 She keeps telling you that she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea, so from what I understand about the situation, yes, you are being friend-zoned. It doesn't mean reconciliation isn't on her mind, but I think that you shouldn't let her string you along. You should let her know how you feel - unless you're okay with being friendzoned?
ThatJustHappened Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she's using you as a band aid to help her get over your relationship. She's got her cake and she's eating it too..she gets all the benefits of a boyfriend and none of the responsibilities or commitments. Have you asked her straight up what she's doing? 1
Author VincentK Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 She keeps telling you that she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea, so from what I understand about the situation, yes, you are being friend-zoned. It doesn't mean reconciliation isn't on her mind, but I think that you shouldn't let her string you along. You should let her know how you feel - unless you're okay with being friendzoned? She only told me once, and based from her friends, they think she's just saying that to inform me she's not trying to lead me on, but in fact she's actually trying to get me back or some sort. Like a "I'm not messing with you, I actually have feelings for you" kind of thing. I'm actually trying to get her back, so the friendzone is no good haha. Thanks for your feedback! I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she's using you as a band aid to help her get over your relationship. She's got her cake and she's eating it too..she gets all the benefits of a boyfriend and none of the responsibilities or commitments. Have you asked her straight up what she's doing? She does a lot of things that are "above" being friends, like constantly trying to make me happy and making sure I'm okay. It doesn't seem like her type to string me around as she's a really quiet and straightforward kind of girl. I haven't asked her exactly what she's doing yet, but I will try to get to it soon. Thank you my friend!
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If you did a lot of saying things you don't mean, it could mean the only time she feels "safe" to tell you what went wrong is when she is NOT in a relationship with you. That happened to me in previous relationship. We'd fight and break up. Then I'd tell him all the reasons I held resentment because being broken up was the only time he'd listen and I didn't feel shut down by his reactions - probably because he knew if he reacted normally, I wouldn't get through it and get back with him. For some people that feel "shut down" in a relationship, breaking up is the only safe time to say what they really felt.
Author VincentK Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 If you did a lot of saying things you don't mean, it could mean the only time she feels "safe" to tell you what went wrong is when she is NOT in a relationship with you. That happened to me in previous relationship. We'd fight and break up. Then I'd tell him all the reasons I held resentment because being broken up was the only time he'd listen and I didn't feel shut down by his reactions - probably because he knew if he reacted normally, I wouldn't get through it and get back with him. For some people that feel "shut down" in a relationship, breaking up is the only safe time to say what they really felt. That's a really great analysis and does most likely apply to her, thank you! I never thought of it that way. Did you two ever properly fix things to where you felt safe to tell him things? I'm currently trying to convince her that I'm more understanding and open to listening better.
Noma Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I too just got out of a 4yr relationship. My ex bf has been texting me. We have just started talking about some things that went wrong... I am not worried about being friend zoned... Why?? Because we have 4years of history, and it would be too soon for that. He broke up with me. We have made lunch together and one night he cooked and gave me the leftovers... Nice experiences... And we have had sex a few times. My plan is to tell him I would like to continue to be friends, see where things go, that I would like to date him again and want to take things slow. Give up expectations for now, and see how we both feel about things. Like your ex, mine is also straightforward, and will not lead me on. If we continue being friends we will either get back together, or fizzle out eventually. If you really live this girl and want her back, is the heartache right now worth it to see where things go without expectations?? I told my ex today that he should invite m "out" to lunch soon, and he said he was "down" with that. I put th ball in his court. He will ave to initiate further contact from here. We lived together for 3.5 of the 4 years, and I moved out 2 weeks after the break up. Which was about 6 weeks ago.
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