sweetdreams4 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I'm f (20) I've been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend (m 20) for 5 years now. I met a guy friend (ill call him bob) at the beginning of this year through some mutual friends. We'll all go out as a group to a bar or a club maybe once a month. I've invited my boyfriend to come along multiple times but it's never worked out. When we go out and I see my bob i'll give him a hug and we'll joke around with each other a lot. I'm naturally shy, but once I feel comfortable around someone i'm usually really outgoing. I only started feeling guilty after a girl who "has a thing" with bob told our mutual friend that I was flirting with him and got angry. There has never been any sexual innuendos in our conversations and we've never talked inappropriately before. I have no feelings for him other than friendship. When we go out we'll all dance together but I've never grinded on him or any other guys. If we do dance "together" it's not close or intimate (more just silly), it's how I would dance with anyone other than my SO and it never lasts longer then a minute. Bob will let me take sips from his drink or vise versa when we're all out together. Or if i'm laughing with him i'll briefly throw my arm around his shoulder. When we're at the bar and we're trying to talk he'll put his hand on my back (it's never lasted for longer than 10 seconds) but that's it for our physical contact. I don't treat him special or different then I would a normal friend. When I bump into a guy friend from high school, or college or whatever and we get talking i'll let him buy me a drink from the bar and I do this with bob too. I know they're not trying to pick me up and they all know I have a boyfriend including Bob. Is this flirting? I wouldn't have thought twice about it had it not been for that girl. I don't want anything from Bob other than friendship and he's never expressed more for me. I think I should bring this up with my boyfriend and just tell him what's been going on so I don't feel like it's "behind his back". What do you think?
NervisPervis Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 When I bump into a guy friend from high school, or college or whatever and we get talking i'll let him buy me a drink from the bar and I do this with bob too. I know they're not trying to pick me up and they all know I have a boyfriend including Bob. You do like to party with the boys, don't you? FYI - Every single one of these boys you party with want to bang the crap out of you. You're sending out more signals than the Cape Hatteras light house. I've invited my boyfriend to come along multiple times but it's never worked out. I'm sure it hasn't. I'm naturally shy, but once I feel comfortable around someone i'm usually really outgoing. When we go out we'll all dance together Bob will let me take sips from his drink or vise versa when we're all out together. Or if i'm laughing with him i'll briefly throw my arm around his shoulder. When we're at the bar and we're trying to talk he'll put his hand on my back When I bump into a guy friend from high school, or college or whatever and we get talking i'll let him buy me a drink from the bar and I do this with bob too. I think I should bring this up with my boyfriend and just tell him what's been going on so I don't feel like it's "behind his back". What do you think? I think it's the most mature thing you've said so far. Please video tape that conversation and post it. I can;t wait. You've been with your man since you were 15 and you're now 20. You need to date other people, honey. Scratch that. You need to tell your man you're dating other people. Am I REALLY the only one with an opinion on this?
todreaminblue Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'm f (20) I've been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend (m 20) for 5 years now. I met a guy friend (ill call him bob) at the beginning of this year through some mutual friends. We'll all go out as a group to a bar or a club maybe once a month. I've invited my boyfriend to come along multiple times but it's never worked out. When we go out and I see my bob i'll give him a hug and we'll joke around with each other a lot. I'm naturally shy, but once I feel comfortable around someone i'm usually really outgoing. I only started feeling guilty after a girl who "has a thing" with bob told our mutual friend that I was flirting with him and got angry. There has never been any sexual innuendos in our conversations and we've never talked inappropriately before. I have no feelings for him other than friendship. When we go out we'll all dance together but I've never grinded on him or any other guys. If we do dance "together" it's not close or intimate (more just silly), it's how I would dance with anyone other than my SO and it never lasts longer then a minute. Bob will let me take sips from his drink or vise versa when we're all out together. Or if i'm laughing with him i'll briefly throw my arm around his shoulder. When we're at the bar and we're trying to talk he'll put his hand on my back (it's never lasted for longer than 10 seconds) but that's it for our physical contact. I don't treat him special or different then I would a normal friend. When I bump into a guy friend from high school, or college or whatever and we get talking i'll let him buy me a drink from the bar and I do this with bob too. I know they're not trying to pick me up and they all know I have a boyfriend including Bob. Is this flirting? I wouldn't have thought twice about it had it not been for that girl. I don't want anything from Bob other than friendship and he's never expressed more for me. I think I should bring this up with my boyfriend and just tell him what's been going on so I don't feel like it's "behind his back". What do you think? I think letting guys buy you drinks is a mistake...i think you should tell your boyfriend and let him decide if he thinks its inappropriate.....because honestly its his opinion that counts no one opinion on here counts more to you or to him but yours and his...tell him because it concerns you....so you can be clear on what he feels or thinks.....deb
Divasu Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'm more concerned with the underage drinking. What are you doing in a bar if you're not 21? Oh, I used to get into a many oh' bars when I was underage... Not that I condone it. :laugh: 1
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 You do like to party with the boys, don't you? FYI - Every single one of these boys you party with want to bang the crap out of you. You're sending out more signals than the Cape Hatteras light house. I'm sure it hasn't. I think it's the most mature thing you've said so far. Please video tape that conversation and post it. I can;t wait. You've been with your man since you were 15 and you're now 20. You need to date other people, honey. Scratch that. You need to tell your man you're dating other people. Am I REALLY the only one with an opinion on this? Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Because I bump into my friends at bars (usually ones my boyfriend knows too) and they offer to buy me a drink and I accept, no strings attached.. means I'm dating other guys? You have really given me nothing to go on other than the fact you think im monkey branching onto other guys and deceiving my boyfriend. "I'm sure it hasn't" who are you to make judgement calls? I try to include him a lot but no, it actually hasn't worked out. And my friend has never given me any indicator that he's wanted to "bang the crap out of me" if he did I would stop being his friend.
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I'm more concerned with the underage drinking. What are you doing in a bar if you're not 21? I'm from Canada..
dasein Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Will disagree with others and say I don't see any really inappropriate behavior here. Provided, OP, that you are genuinely inviting your BF along, aren't snowing us about that. If he doesn't want to go, why does she have to stay home? Normally I'm against the ubiquitous girls nights out for those with SOs, but if she's actually inviting him along, I don't see what she's doing wrong. 1
carhill Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 One gauge of 'inappropriate' would be to observe your boyfriend in similar behaviors with other women in similar situations. See how you feel. Then imagine being unaware that it's going on. FWIW, I get this from MW's all the time. I had to choose to enact firmer boundaries. I think it's possible you believe nothing inappropriate is going on but, that said, you do get a benefit from the interaction. If you want to test this, try being similarly friendly with Bob and other men in front of your boyfriend and get his feedback. He's the best source of opinion on this matter, IMO. Welcome to LS 4
CC12 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I think the touching is probably a little inappropriate. The rest is fine, though. There's nothing wrong with friends buying each other drinks. As far as telling your boyfriend, was there some sort of drama over the whole thing, or did a jealous person just make a bitchy comment about you sluttin' it up with her man? If it was just a bitchy comment and nothing else, I probably wouldn't mention it. It just doesn't seem worth it to possibly cause issues in your relationship because someone talked a little **** about you. 1
Emissary Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Being flirty isn't the same as coming onto a guy, you're still young so you have some growing up to do still. Step one, stop caring about what other people think about you. If she wants Bob, she should stop bitching and just go get him. You're not stopping her.
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I understand you just want them as friends, but I guess they might don't know that. However, if Bob is nice to you and hasn't done anything bad yet, there is no need to feel guilty. Anyway, you are still so young......Your feelings will change....Try to focus on your future.....I mean work or studying to be a better person.... As for your feelings and other's feelings....they will all become more clear as years go on....Don't feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong, and if you love your boyfriend, you should always tell him about your life!
ExpatInItaly Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hm. OP, are you sure you don't like this guy as more than a friend? I tend to think being a little jealous over another woman liking him indicates your feelings are stronger than just platonic friendship...no?
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Hm. OP, are you sure you don't like this guy as more than a friend? I tend to think being a little jealous over another woman liking him indicates your feelings are stronger than just platonic friendship...no? I'm not jealous over what she said. What she said just shocked me and made me feel guilty because I hadn't realized I was flirting at all since those weren't my intentions. If they get together than good! I have no objections at all
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Read this OP, it's pretty spot on... Article Thanks, I read through that I can confidently say "no" to all of them. I'm going to tell my SO my concerns and if he is uncomfortable with it, change my behavior or set more strict boundaries. If not, i'll still probably do the same thing so as not to come off flirty.
OzGuy776 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Your Bob? hmm.. sounds pretty flirty to me. I mean, if a girl did that with me I suppose I would find it flirty. I don't know, maybe they do things differently on the other side of the world? I wouldn't be letting other guys buy you drinks if I were you, it may send the wrong messages to your boyfriend. Maybe you should talk to him about it and see what he thinks?
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Your Bob? hmm.. sounds pretty flirty to me. I mean, if a girl did that with me I suppose I would find it flirty. I don't know, maybe they do things differently on the other side of the world? I wouldn't be letting other guys buy you drinks if I were you, it may send the wrong messages to your boyfriend. Maybe you should talk to him about it and see what he thinks? haha "my bob" was a typo. It ment to say "my friend bob." I have no possession over him.
NervisPervis Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 And my friend has never given me any indicator that he's wanted to "bang the crap out of me" if he did I would stop being his friend. OK. Good. But let's clarify. You would stop being his friend if: 1 - You knew he really did want to bang the crap out of you, or... 2 - He gave you an "indicator" that he wants to bang the crap out of you. Two VERY different scenarios. But if you'll notice, I have only given two options and both include that fact that he does indeed want to screw you. Of that I have ZERO doubt. I wish, wish, wish, wish, WISH I had saved that thread from another forum where, after the OP made her origianl post, it immediately went into "there is no way a man like Bob (for example) puts the kind of energy into a friendship with a girl like sweetdreams4 (for example) if he didn't want to screw her. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Before page 3 started, the discssion was over. The men had won. The most adamant "my guy pal would NEVER think of me that way" said...well, they just logged of in a huff saying "I don't need to hear this crap". But eveyone else just lost their spirit. It was over. 100% of men said it can't happen, 100% of women said "not MY guy pal". See what I mean? A seemingly 50-50 split was a 100% slam dunk. Sorry. I got a little long winded. I have zero doubt your guy "Bob" wants to **** you. ZERO! Your boyfriend knows that too. He's a guy. And it's your boyfriend I see as the only adult in this whole situation. He knows the score but trusts you. I recommend not blowing that trust by letting him find out from a jealous suitor that you've been flirting HEAVILY with a man he is already uncomfortable with. And the first story he gets will be from a woman scorned. Do you want to go into this conversation with you pleading "but it wasn't like that, I swear". Or with "I had this crazy conversation with Suzy, what do you think about it"? And "Suzy" is going to fill him in on all of the other flirting and partying with men that's been going on. Only I'm thinking she won't make it sound as innocent as it really is Start the conversation on your terms. Confirm his trust in you. Then you can go back to flirting with and soaking up the attention of men at meat markets all you want. With his blessing. Then, when you REALLY start to see what's out there besides a boy you've been exclusive with since you were 15, he'll continue to give you the green light to cruise the bars. (that was a long winded way of saying you guys are too young, and you're acting EVERY BIT of it). Good luck. Please let us know how that convo goes. 2
sabre80 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Yea she invited him along. But would she behave exactly the same if her BF was there watching her and her Bob?
Quiet Storm Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) I know they're not trying to pick me up and they all know I have a boyfriend including Bob. The problem is that other people don't know your motives. You are a huggy, touchy-feely type of person. You are just being friendly, but this behavior can be misinterpreted. There are guys that think a waitress likes them when all she does is smile at them, so it's perfectly reasonable to assume that your behavior may be coming off as flirting, regardless of your intent. "Having a boyfriend" or even a husband, doesn't stop men from seeing you in a sexual way. Flirty behavior is enticing to men, whether you intend it to be or not. If they did not already think of you sexually, touching them or hugging them will often get them thinking about you like that. So if you don't want to give this impression, you may want to think about having better boundaries. Some people also assume that women that behave like this have strong needs for attention or validation. Male attention gives them an ego boost, so they seek it out to fill their emotional needs. Although men will often happily be on the receiving end of a woman's attention seeking behavior, other women will notice and question her motives. This is why the other woman said that. She picked up on it & doesn't see it as innocent, but as manipulative or flirty. Edited April 2, 2013 by Quiet Storm
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hi sweetdreams! Clearly you care about your boyfriend and your relationship if you're questioning yourself like this over an isolated comment. You're 20, and some of this is new territory for you. Your intentions may be entirely pure and innocent, but it's the potential for this changing that is a key concern here. First, the woman who complained is jealous. Ignore her. You're taking up time with Bob that she had hoped to get. Ditto for his attention. As to whether the behavior itself is inappropriate? Let me ask you this. Would either of you modify an iota of your behavior with each other if your boyfriend were present? Let that be your guide. Behave as you would if your boyfriend were by your side when you go out with your friends. In addition, your boyfriend does need to join you at these things. He's making a huge mistake IMO by never coming. He doesn't have to be glued to you everywhere you go. Just show up every now and then. Absolutely insist that he at least show up on occasion. Although what you are doing might still be harmless (I can't tell), this is fertile ground for accidental slip ups and cheating. Smart people who love and respect their SOs avoid putting themselves in situations where temptation might arise or accidental slip-ups occur. The relationship matters enough to protect it. They don't wait until something happens to stop an interaction. They take precautions to prevent it from ever happening in the first place. Who knows whether Bob's view of you is just as pure as yours of him? To make definitive statements about him either way is nothing more than unfounded speculation since we have never met him. That being said, guys sometimes take advantage of a boyfriend's routine absence. At the end of the day, your relationship is important to you, not Bob. Your boyfriend trusts you. He's in a committed relationship with you, not Bob. It's your responsibility, if you value your relationship, to make sure that your boundaries with Bob and other guys are crystal clear and set in concrete. That there is no creep or shifting of markers. You are the one who stands to lose something if there is a slip up, not Bob. It's your responsibility to protect what you have with your boyfriend. Remember that. 1
sabre80 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hi sweetdreams! Clearly you care about your boyfriend and your relationship if you're questioning yourself like this over an isolated comment. You're 20, and some of this is new territory for you. Your intentions may be entirely pure and innocent, but it's the potential for this changing that is a key concern here. First, the woman who complained is jealous. Ignore her. You're taking up time with Bob that she had hoped to get. Ditto for his attention. As to whether the behavior itself is inappropriate? Let me ask you this. Would either of you modify an iota of your behavior with each other if your boyfriend were present? Let that be your guide. Behave as you would if your boyfriend were by your side when you go out with your friends. In addition, your boyfriend does need to join you at these things. He's making a huge mistake IMO by never coming. He doesn't have to be glued to you everywhere you go. Just show up every now and then. Absolutely insist that he at least show up on occasion. Although what you are doing might still be harmless (I can't tell), this is fertile ground for accidental slip ups and cheating. Smart people who love and respect their SOs avoid putting themselves in situations where temptation might arise or accidental slip-ups occur. The relationship matters enough to protect it. They don't wait until something happens to stop an interaction. They take precautions to prevent it from ever happening in the first place. Who knows whether Bob's view of you is just as pure as yours of him? To make definitive statements about him either way is nothing more than unfounded speculation since we have never met him. That being said, guys sometimes take advantage of a boyfriend's routine absence. At the end of the day, your relationship is important to you, not Bob. Your boyfriend trusts you. He's in a committed relationship with you, not Bob. It's your responsibility, if you value your relationship, to make sure that your boundaries with Bob and other guys are crystal clear and set in concrete. That there is no creep or shifting of markers. You are the one who stands to lose something if there is a slip up, not Bob. It's your responsibility to protect what you have with your boyfriend. Remember that. Eloquently put Cutipie1976 1
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 OK. Good. But let's clarify. You would stop being his friend if: 1 - You knew he really did want to bang the crap out of you, or... 2 - He gave you an "indicator" that he wants to bang the crap out of you. Two VERY different scenarios. But if you'll notice, I have only given two options and both include that fact that he does indeed want to screw you. Of that I have ZERO doubt. I wish, wish, wish, wish, WISH I had saved that thread from another forum where, after the OP made her origianl post, it immediately went into "there is no way a man like Bob (for example) puts the kind of energy into a friendship with a girl like sweetdreams4 (for example) if he didn't want to screw her. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Before page 3 started, the discssion was over. The men had won. The most adamant "my guy pal would NEVER think of me that way" said...well, they just logged of in a huff saying "I don't need to hear this crap". But eveyone else just lost their spirit. It was over. 100% of men said it can't happen, 100% of women said "not MY guy pal". See what I mean? A seemingly 50-50 split was a 100% slam dunk. Sorry. I got a little long winded. I have zero doubt your guy "Bob" wants to **** you. ZERO! Your boyfriend knows that too. He's a guy. And it's your boyfriend I see as the only adult in this whole situation. He knows the score but trusts you. I recommend not blowing that trust by letting him find out from a jealous suitor that you've been flirting HEAVILY with a man he is already uncomfortable with. And the first story he gets will be from a woman scorned. Do you want to go into this conversation with you pleading "but it wasn't like that, I swear". Or with "I had this crazy conversation with Suzy, what do you think about it"? And "Suzy" is going to fill him in on all of the other flirting and partying with men that's been going on. Only I'm thinking she won't make it sound as innocent as it really is Start the conversation on your terms. Confirm his trust in you. Then you can go back to flirting with and soaking up the attention of men at meat markets all you want. With his blessing. Then, when you REALLY start to see what's out there besides a boy you've been exclusive with since you were 15, he'll continue to give you the green light to cruise the bars. (that was a long winded way of saying you guys are too young, and you're acting EVERY BIT of it). Good luck. Please let us know how that convo goes. Well thanks for your insight but i'm not going to be "going back to flirting and soaking up the attention from other men." Since someone saw this as flirtatious and that's not how I want to come across i'm going to change my behavior regardless of what my boyfriend thinks. I don't enjoy seeing myself in this light, and I wish to remain committed to my boyfriend.
waiting4u Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I understand appreciating male attention, and it's possible that you are 'flirting' with these men more than you realize. Men see attention from a pretty girl as encouragement. I've had close guy friends before and it always ended badly because they thought it was more. Trust me, you don't want to have to be in an awkward situation where they make a pass at you and you have to turn them down. And if a guy is buying you a drink, he's definitely interested in more than friendship. Maybe you could either bring your boyfriend with you more often when you go out, or keep your male friends more at arm's length. Don't tell them the minute details of your life, your relationship, how you feel etc. Over-sharing breeds false intimacy. Hang out with your female friends if you are in a serious relationship. That said, you are only 20. I wouldn't settle down just yet . . .
Author sweetdreams4 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Hi sweetdreams! Clearly you care about your boyfriend and your relationship if you're questioning yourself like this over an isolated comment. You're 20, and some of this is new territory for you. Your intentions may be entirely pure and innocent, but it's the potential for this changing that is a key concern here. First, the woman who complained is jealous. Ignore her. You're taking up time with Bob that she had hoped to get. Ditto for his attention. As to whether the behavior itself is inappropriate? Let me ask you this. Would either of you modify an iota of your behavior with each other if your boyfriend were present? Let that be your guide. Behave as you would if your boyfriend were by your side when you go out with your friends. In addition, your boyfriend does need to join you at these things. He's making a huge mistake IMO by never coming. He doesn't have to be glued to you everywhere you go. Just show up every now and then. Absolutely insist that he at least show up on occasion. Although what you are doing might still be harmless (I can't tell), this is fertile ground for accidental slip ups and cheating. Smart people who love and respect their SOs avoid putting themselves in situations where temptation might arise or accidental slip-ups occur. The relationship matters enough to protect it. They don't wait until something happens to stop an interaction. They take precautions to prevent it from ever happening in the first place. Who knows whether Bob's view of you is just as pure as yours of him? To make definitive statements about him either way is nothing more than unfounded speculation since we have never met him. That being said, guys sometimes take advantage of a boyfriend's routine absence. At the end of the day, your relationship is important to you, not Bob. Your boyfriend trusts you. He's in a committed relationship with you, not Bob. It's your responsibility, if you value your relationship, to make sure that your boundaries with Bob and other guys are crystal clear and set in concrete. That there is no creep or shifting of markers. You are the one who stands to lose something if there is a slip up, not Bob. It's your responsibility to protect what you have with your boyfriend. Remember that. Thanks for replying, your comments are very helpful. To answer your question, no I would not change my behavior because I want my boyfriend to see what I'm like in front of some of my friends so that he can let me know whether or not it bothers him. You brought up a good point about not allowing myself to be put in a situation where something might arise. And because I will never truly know Bob's intentions (unless he tells me) then it's better to just play it safe and take a step back. Thanks.
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