Owe money to my Ex-Bf. What idea should I follow to reimburse in this situation?

April 1, 2013

Hi,

My ex-bf asked me to move out in Jan 2013 as he felt that living together was not improving our situation. We are sort of in a complicated relationship right now. From his end we are technically broken up as of now. From my end, I think we could still work on the relationship. When he asked me to move out I needed some time to save up and move out but his lease was expiring in 3 weeks and he was going to move out as well. Given the lack of unavailability of time I went ahead and moved out in time before the end of lease date. I asked him to help me with money as I wasn't financially ready with a deposit and first month's rent for San Francisco as it's an expensive city. Borrowed $1500 for rent and $1500 for deposit and $1000 more to buy the furniture I had to sell for low cost when I moved in with him one year back.

I owe him money as of now and lately he is quite unhappy that I talked about returning the money but haven't really done it yet. I'm not quite happy seeing him frustrated and not trusting me. I want him to trust me so do want to return back the money as I was with him for love, not for money and my intention was never to use him. I trust him, admire and respect him so definitely want to do my best to reimburse.

My question was this: Should I reimburse all $4000 at once (have some savings) or reimburse monthly and cover up for the $4000?

Situation is: My plan was to apply for MBA schools this year but need to save up a chunk of money for the applications so there will be a change of plan now. Instead of getting an MBA in 2014, I would have to try for 2015 as I only have $3000 in savings and barely anything else (and I would still owe him $1000 even after that). So, would be left with zero savings if I reimburse at once. I make around $3000 per month after taxes and $1500 goes in rent and left with $1500.

If I reimburse monthly by paying small amount at a time I don't know how it would work. What plan would work better? Reimbursing all at once or reimbursing little by little on a monthly basis?

Thanks in advance for your answers.

Sun

April 1, 2013

Set some reasonable monthly amount you can handle (100 dollars?) and send him a check. He loaned you the money knowing you didn't have what was needed, which includes paying him back right after loaning it to you.

He may gripe, but giving him your school money isn't going to undo him being an ex, it's just going to break you.

If he is halfway friendly you could deliver the check in person and stay in touch to see if things rekindle. But that's separate from preparing yourself to move on by getting that degree.

April 1, 2013

Without a promissory note, you are not legally bound to do anything. But that would obviously be rude and I applaud you for wanting to pay him back.

In that mind, I would offer a legal agreement to pay back in installments so that you have enough of your savings for schools or unexpected expenses (I live in San Francisco and KNOW it is an expensive city).

Keep to a payment plan that is reasonable for both of you without emptying your savings. It is honorable and won't leave you entirely empty-handed.

April 1, 2013

I agree with the installment payments, especially if you want to get back with him later. NEVER be late! This will build his trust. Even if you don't get back together with him, you want to stay on his good side in case you need another loan in the future.

April 1, 2013

You violated a cardinal rule : NEVER lend money to another. You are not a bank, you are a person. You have not signed a promisary note that you do, in fact, owe it to him legally. You are a person with integrity for wanting to do the right thing. As you are going to pay him back for whatever it is that is owed between the two of you, this is what you will do:

1) Give him the money in a lump sum, one time payment (check or cash).

2) Walk away.

This is not going to work out. You said that they two of you had a complicated relationship and you lived together and things did not work out. Now that there is money involved, you will make it even all the more terrible. The best thing to do in this situation is make as clean a break as possible, take care of business, and then walk away and live your life. End of arguement.

April 1, 2013

I personally think you should give him the 3000 and then pay him back the rest when you have more money coming in, from every paycheck you make. I think whatever you can afford from each check that you would put into savings is what you should give him until the remaining 1000 is paid off. If you have 3000 already after 2-3 months of living on your own and you give it all to him, it will change his perspective and he will know you saved your butt off to pay him back.

If you didnt have him to give you 4000, you would have spent your school money to move out, right? Im assuming? So if you didnt have him there, you would be getting your MBA in 2015 anyway. I would try to look at the situation as if he were never there to save you...

That is how I would look at the situation. You will gain more trust that way to be honest. I dont know what you can afford monthly but you saved 3000 since moving out in January which is pretty awesome and I feel if you saved 3000 that quickly, you can have this debt paid quickly too.

Try to look at the situation as if he was never around to fall back on. If you only had a few bucks to your name, you would have paid for your first and last, and then had no furniture until you could afford some. Thank god he was there. He shouldnt have to wait because you want to go to school. The situation is what it is I guess but he loaned you the money and you should pay him back as quickly as possible.

Give him your savings as without him, you wouldnt have it anyway. Youre in a pickle and school will have to wait. He should not have to wait because you want to go to school mainly because that isnt his problem, but yours.

April 1, 2013

I bet $4000, she won't pay back a dime.

Die slow sunshine.

April 1, 2013

Wrong. A verbal agreement is a legally binding contract.

Been there, done that, and went to court about it.

If there are/were no witnesses present when the agreement was reached or money changed hands, then one is relegated to a "he said/she said" scenario that is often thrown out of court.

April 1, 2013

I personally think you should give him the 3000 and then pay him back the rest when you have more money coming in, from every paycheck you make. I think whatever you can afford from each check that you would put into savings is what you should give him until the remaining 1000 is paid off. If you have 3000 already after 2-3 months of living on your own and you give it all to him, it will change his perspective and he will know you saved your butt off to pay him back.

If you didnt have him to give you 4000, you would have spent your school money to move out, right? Im assuming? So if you didnt have him there, you would be getting your MBA in 2015 anyway. I would try to look at the situation as if he were never there to save you...

That is how I would look at the situation. You will gain more trust that way to be honest. I dont know what you can afford monthly but you saved 3000 since moving out in January which is pretty awesome and I feel if you saved 3000 that quickly, you can have this debt paid quickly too.

Try to look at the situation as if he was never around to fall back on. If you only had a few bucks to your name, you would have paid for your first and last, and then had no furniture until you could afford some. Thank god he was there. He shouldnt have to wait because you want to go to school. The situation is what it is I guess but he loaned you the money and you should pay him back as quickly as possible.

Give him your savings as without him, you wouldnt have it anyway. Youre in a pickle and school will have to wait. He should not have to wait because you want to go to school mainly because that isnt his problem, but yours.

I believe she had the $3000 when she borrowed money to move. Obviously giving him the $3000 negates the purpose of borrowing money to start with.

April 2, 2013

I believe she had the $3000 when she borrowed money to move. Obviously giving him the $3000 negates the purpose of borrowing money to start with.

No I didn't have that. Got 1/3 from tax return and rest eating food once a day! Under weight and tag along with multi vitamins and spirulina (it works by the way) but that is totally my business no one else's. Don't read into what I have typed. Gosh what an imagination! Seriously..

I am just asking for a feedback on which is better: paying lumpsum or installments. Well I am on my way to pay in lumpsum now as that's what most folks mention as best idea. Yes, indeed I saved up for 2 months to pay him back. Question was and only was to figure which idea is better

Edited April 2, 2013 by sunshine001

April 2, 2013

wow that is impressive. I agree, would give him what you have right away, and you clearly can come up with remainder in short order and save for school after that. But your weight and health is more important that his whining.

April 2, 2013

No I didn't have that. Got 1/3 from tax return and rest eating food once a day! Under weight and tag along with multi vitamins and spirulina (it works by the way) but that is totally my business no one else's. Don't read into what I have typed. Gosh what an imagination! Seriously..

I am just asking for a feedback on which is better: paying lumpsum or installments. Well I am on my way to pay in lumpsum now as that's what most folks mention as best idea. Yes, indeed I saved up for 2 months to pay him back. Question was and only was to figure which idea is better

I'm glad that unlike some other posters, you have the integrity to pay someone back on your debts regardless of a "legal agreement" (lame to be even be bringing up this point unwarranted, how premeditated and conniving) that you in good faith borrowed from him, even though it's an ex and some would feel "justified" in screwing him over that money because they deserve it or are entitled it somehow for having a vagina or whatever other reason.

You make a promise...keep your word...that was the agreement. I think you already know this, that's for the rest of the lot...unfortunately some people didn't get the memo.

I would propose you pay him back out $3,000 of your savings in full, and then make payments on the rest at about $200 a month or the highest possible sum you can realistically afford. I think paying him back the money you have shows that you intend to actually pay him back and have a plan for doing so, I think he will respect you highly for that.

As far as your living situation, I think he would have known or understood the predicament you were being placed in. If you're in a difficult financial situation, express that to him and if he offers to renegotiate and knock off $1,000 or so then that's his prerogative, I don't understand the conditions or way you have moved or what your sacrificed, maybe there was something he should be covering but then again this is something you should have discussed before making the agreement with him to pay him back in full the $4,000...however with that being said it was your choice to move in with him, even if he was the one suggesting it (don't make excuses for yourself, you're a big girl now, just own it), you got to take responsibility for your choices and decisions instead of try and hold someone else to it just because they were apart of it or an accomplice in your eyes.

You may struggle in the end to pay him back, but if you try to pay him down in trickle down payments, it'll take forever and the money will likely just not be there unless you are extraordinarily good at managing your finances (which most are not), so I'd suggest you put the biggest dent in the repayment process up front and rebuild your savings on your time and dime.

......................

That's enough to say about the financial part of this...but let's get to the real issue now...the real reason you're still involved in this and why the money plays a more significant part in this dynamic than just for money's and good etiquette in repaying debts.

Look...If the guy was willing to pay $4,000 dollars to get you off of his back...he really wanted out of this relationship. He does not want to go back. This guy sounds like he's probably got a pretty good paying job (I'd hope parting with that money) and that's not a huge unreasonable loan for him, especially in SF where they charge you an arm and a leg for a card board box size apartment so you better have some cash because everything is so damn condensed...however, nobody likes to part with their money, especially those who got it. Unless he's wealthy or comes from money, this would affect most people, and if he had it that good he would have just said here, take it and go and be done with me woman.

So that says a lot right there, especially knowing men, they don't like spending money like that unless it's for status or some form of entertainment, then they'll just drop it to look like a boss. But seriously, if this guy paid you $4,000 dollars on top of whatever expenses he needed to make in order to move on with his life somewhere else...this guy wanted you out, and bad. He may even have somebody else lined up.

You sound like a decent girl though, I hope you don't let that affect your decision or point of view because that honestly is his prerogative...but let's face it, women are emotional and like to make their own rules at times. I'll leave it up to you to make your own decisions.

But you should consider this relationship.....over. I know there's a group of women that like to weigh in on miracles or other couples that are together now after all these ups and downs like that's all normal and crap, but that's a revolving door of drama...if you want to make the healthy and right choice for you, make the one for yourself, not for another man...think of you first, respect yourself, hold up to your values and promises because of how it makes you feel about yourself and who you are, not because of someone else actions or intentions...but let it go, I know it's hard but you're going to be holding onto nothing, because that's a pretty big damn gesture for a man to do, he wants out and to move on.

Handle this as "professionally" as you can from this point, vying for emotional connections and reciprocation will likely end you very being hurt and in unrequited love.

April 2, 2013

Hi,

My ex-bf asked me to move out in Jan 2013 as he felt that living together was not improving our situation. We are sort of in a complicated relationship right now. From his end we are technically broken up as of now. From my end, I think we could still work on the relationship. When he asked me to move out I needed some time to save up and move out but his lease was expiring in 3 weeks and he was going to move out as well. Given the lack of unavailability of time I went ahead and moved out in time before the end of lease date. I asked him to help me with money as I wasn't financially ready with a deposit and first month's rent for San Francisco as it's an expensive city. Borrowed $1500 for rent and $1500 for deposit and $1000 more to buy the furniture I had to sell for low cost when I moved in with him one year back.

I owe him money as of now and lately he is quite unhappy that I talked about returning the money but haven't really done it yet. I'm not quite happy seeing him frustrated and not trusting me. I want him to trust me so do want to return back the money as I was with him for love, not for money and my intention was never to use him. I trust him, admire and respect him so definitely want to do my best to reimburse.

My question was this: Should I reimburse all $4000 at once (have some savings) or reimburse monthly and cover up for the $4000?

Situation is: My plan was to apply for MBA schools this year but need to save up a chunk of money for the applications so there will be a change of plan now. Instead of getting an MBA in 2014, I would have to try for 2015 as I only have $3000 in savings and barely anything else (and I would still owe him $1000 even after that). So, would be left with zero savings if I reimburse at once. I make around $3000 per month after taxes and $1500 goes in rent and left with $1500.

If I reimburse monthly by paying small amount at a time I don't know how it would work. What plan would work better? Reimbursing all at once or reimbursing little by little on a monthly basis?

Thanks in advance for your answers.

Sun

I think reimbursing him monthly will do fine AS LONG AS YOU DO IT. I hope that you are not doing this only because you hope to get him back.

Borrowing money from a bf should be taken very seriously. I would personally pay it back even if I caught the guy cheating with my best friend after. That's the right thing to do and to be able to respect yourself, you honor your words and promises. I did something similar to my ex who was emotionally absuive and kicked me out of his place within 24 hours of breaking up. He still got a check for the money I borrowed earlier on in the R. I payed the whole sum because I could afford it and because I wanted to tie up all the loose ends so that I could have him out of my life for good.

April 2, 2013

In your shoes, I'd make the largest payment you can afford right now, and then periodic payments as you are able. Would not agree either verbally or in writing to any particular repayment plan. Would set a goal to repay completely within a year if at all possible. It seems that this was kind of sprung on you, so he can gripe all he wants and if he does so, is being unreasonable. He loaned you the money of his own free will and presumably understood the circumstances.

To legality, which you didn't bring up but others did, outside of specific statute and caselaw in your jurisdiction, you are legally obligated to repay any debt you incur. Whether there is enough evidence to enforce that obligation in court is a different matter, and depends on the judge and local law. If you received and cashed a check, that's evidence, maybe enough on its own. As we all know, lying in court about debts incurred is a serious crime. You absolutely do not need a promissory note, though, to incur a legally binding debt, such a note merely makes enforcing the debt easier for the creditor, and the transfer of the debt to a third party possible. Wanted to clear that up.

Good luck with your new apt and in patching up your relationship if that's your desire.

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Owe money to my Ex-Bf. What idea should I follow to reimburse in this situation?

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