Hey

[hannah sage]

I hate so much that I even had to look for a website like this, even searching took about all the little energy I have right now, but the need to unload is so strong and I am so alone that I honestly didn't know what else I could possibly do.

 

I met my husband over ten years ago, under weird circumstances (the internet). We pretty much just talked, became friends and eventually met during a trip I took to do something else entirely. He was so shy and adorable, showing up at my hotel with half a case of milwaukee's best and a stuffed wishbone toy that it took me all of three seconds to be charmed by him.

 

I developed feelings for him first, and he didn't want to get into a long distance relationship which I completely understand and respected back then, even if it stung a lot. I decided to focus on school and not get hung up on it, but the thing was he was really reluctant to let me go. There were days in which he was all for giving us a go and at other times he wanted his freedom to do with it what he wanted.

 

Eventually I found somebody else and when he found out he flipped out...one of those you-don't-know-what-you've-got-until-you-lost-it things. Whatever I had with this other guy ended disastrously and he was there to pick up the pieces and never, ever looked back. He then started to come to see me himself, stayed with me at home with my family, we even vacationed all together. All my family, my aunts, my cousins, my folks, everybody loves him because he's such a gentle, polite, sweet creature.

 

We eventually came to the conclusion that we wanted to be with each other for good; after several lengthy discussions about it, the topic of marriage surfaced. I didn't force or pressure him, I swear to god I didn't. He entered this of his own free will, did all the paperwork by himself without procrastinating and was happy and smiling when we finally did it.

 

Then we started the long, arduous process of applying for me to come to the US to live with him. It took about a year and a half during which we saw each other often and were very happy, as happy as two people who are in love and married can be while being apart. We held on to the fact that it was all worth it, that we would soon be together for good and do all those things that we always planned.

 

I gave up everything, moved far away from my family which I had never done before, packed my whole life in two suitcases and embarked on an extremely long and difficult journey up here. And now, six months in, he informs me that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Just like that.

 

I'll be the first to admit to the shortcomings that I have and the issues that we have faced; I am a permanent resident in this country but I only just recently worked out my social security issues that would allow me to work. This has meant six months of pretty much being around each other all the time. It's of course not ideal, but we also had discussed this at length. He would have to support me fully until I found a job to help out, and in the meanwhile I would carry my load in this house to compensate for what I couldn't yet give. I also have a bit of a temper, but I know none of this is his fault so I have been really good at keeping my frustrations at bay. It's been a conscious effort really, and other than a few minor hiccups (pretty much of the put a new roll of TP in when you're done variety) everything's just been fine.

 

Until now. He says he won't leave me in the lurch, that he will not abandon me because he acquired a responsibility towards me that would be completely disastrous if not observed. I have twenty-five dollars in my pocket right now. I am job hunting, but he is also making that hard because he doesn't want to stay where we are, so any job I get will have to be quit in a matter of months perhaps. Sure he won't abandon me, but I am at his complete mercy.

 

I'm not perfect. I acknowledge my part in all this, I understand the difficulties he must be facing and his own frustrations, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel as though he is being fickle about everything, including us. I feel used and now discarded. I feel that after everything we've been through, after everything we've accomplished, I'm not worth thinking things through or trying to salvage what we have. I feel that it's unfair that even though he entered this marriage fully conscious of what was going to happen, even though everything was discussed to death, he now wants out of it like he's not dealing with a human being but a pair of old shoes that you get rid of when you don't like them anymore.

 

Of course I'm aware that discussing and planning isn't the same as actually experiencing it, but he doesn't seem to be all too keen on trying to figure out what it is that he feels is wrong. He agreed to go to counseling, but is of the mind that "it probably won't help". When asked what this is all about, he says he loves me very much and probably always will, but marriage isn't "what he sees for himself in the future".

 

Meanwhile, I'm far away from everything I ever knew, I have nobody, no money, no home and a country of origin that I really don't want to go back to. And, if that weren't enough, there's the fact that he is my heart, the man I love and chose to be with for good, the person I invested all of myself into. I did all these things and now I feel stupid and abandoned and worthless and sick. The thought of not going out for dessert, which he loves so much, not playing frisbee with him in the sunshine or listening to him wail along to crappy country songs in the car is killing me.

 

I have no idea how I'm going to survive any of this.

 

/rant over

[GuyInLimbo]

Sorry you are going through this. Curious to know how old you guys are?

 

If I read this correctly, you guys were never around each other for a long period of time before you got married and moved here?

[hannah sage]

About six months at a time, I'd say. It wasn't a sham marriage, really it wasn't. This is destroying me.

 

And he's 29 while I'm 31.

[Mr. Lucky]

And now, six months in, he informs me that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Just like that.

Can you elaborate on this? What are his reasons? And what do you think is the truth behind his reasons?

 

Mr. Lucky

[hannah sage]

I don't know what the truth is, I wish I did. We had a nice day, walking outside in the sunshine and stuff and then I made lunch. As soon as we were finished eating he picked up our plates and he told me he had to talk to me. First he says "I don't want to stay in this city" and I'm like all right...then he says "And I don't want to stay married".

 

He claims that us being married is stripping him of some sort of essential freedom, I guess. He says he doesn't "get to do anything he wants" but I don't understand this, because it hasn't been an issue before. When I ask what he wishes he could do that he can't while married to me, he says it's the idea of marriage that he doesn't like. It's like he's suddenly no longer totally free because we signed a piece of paper. All I have ever demanded in an energetic way is that he doesn't sleep with anyone else. I know he's not, like I said, we're around each other a lot...but then again back in the day it was when he got a sort of crush on someone else that he was suddenly against the idea of us. Maybe he's into somebody. I asked and he said no, so I really don't know. I'm not going to check his phone or his computer, because I'm not that kind of person and it will only hurt me in the end.

 

In any case, I think it's unusually cruel for him to be doing this to me. Like I said, he got into this of his own free will, without any pressure. He wanted to marry me. And he doesn't seem to be entirely grasping that this isn't a highschool boyfriend breaking up with his girl. I don't know how it's possible for him to see it in such a simple way, especially after everything. I'm freaking terrified. I don't know the first thing about job hunting in this country - it's different trust me - taxes, how to get an apartment, hell I've never even lived alone. I couldn't resent somebody for not loving me anymore, but apparently that isn't the issue because I asked. What does hurt me a lot, other than the obvious of course, is that he is knowingly subjecting me to this on what seems like a whim.

[GuyInLimbo]

About six months at a time, I'd say. It wasn't a sham marriage, really it wasn't. This is destroying me.

 

And he's 29 while I'm 31.

 

I didn't mean to imply it was a sham. I was just thinking that you hadn't spent a lot of time around each other physically and he realized he wasn't into it. But that doesn't seem to be the case. It is pretty harsh to turn around on you like this after you upended your life to be with him. Sounds like he's just very immature.

[hannah sage]

Sorry. I wasn't offended, just thought I'd point that out. It isn't the first time someone's asked me, it's somewhat of a common thing to assume that if somebody foreign marries a US citizen it's because of the green card. And I can tell you that I would have rather endured an earlier breakup with no entry to the US than this. At least I wouldn't be scared to death on top of everything else.

[Jstub]

You mentioned that you don't want to go back to your home country. May I ask why? Why not just leave this mess behind and go back home?

[hannah sage]

Because home is a terrible place right now. I was under this delusion that I had married the man I love and would come to live in a better place and be happy have a house and a dog someday. If I stay here at least I have a somewhat decent shot at getting a job and feeding myself, if nothing else. Doesn't mean it's not really scary though.

[Jstub]

You do know that you need to stay married to him for 2 years to get the permanent green card. Or you would have to go through the loops to prove that you entered the marriage in good faith (expensive game, as it will require a lawyer). I am very familiar with this whole process, as I married a foreigner and "gave her" the green card. Does he want to file for divorce?

[hannah sage]

I have a permanent 10 year green card, it appears as though I don't have to stay married to him to stay. That's really not my biggest concern, it was just a small comfort when I found out. Smallest among the small. My thing here is that everything's falling apart.

 

He says he wants to move back to his hometown and when I ask if he plans on taking me with, he says he doesn't know. But then goes on and says he would never leave me alone. I'm not sure he has any concept of what he's doing to me. When asked about filing for divorce he says he doesn't know. But he doesn't know if he "sees it" with me either. He hates the idea of living without me and it's scary, but he doesn't want to be married. Even if I were a heinous b*tch this would be too much.

[Minnie09]

Sorry you're going through this. Where are you originally from? Do you have any skills / education that'll make it easier for you to find a job?

 

It's pretty ****ty of him to discard you like that without even blinking, even though you gave up literally everything to be with him. Immature. Given his character you'll be eventually relieved that you got rid of him while you were still young enough (and childless) to build your own life. You don't want to be stuck with a fickle person like that and have more invested than you do now. If he changes his mind that quickly although he knows very well that you left everything behind to be in this relationship, he would always be a risk factor, not respecting anybody's feelings and needs but his own.*

 

You will not lose your permanent green card if you D before the two tear mark. You just have to prove that you entered the M in good faith. Depending on where you're from, this may not even require a lawyer. Unless you're from a third world country the authorities have no reason to assume you got married only for your GC. They'll ask for photos, shared accounts, evidence of shared residence, shared bills etc. if you drag it out with the D, you'll have to file for your permanent GC together, and seeing that he's rather unreliable, I don't know if that's such a great idea. I'd rather get it over with and do it on my own.

[Wickedgurl]

You didn't say where you are from, but is there a church nearby that serves your ethnic group? They may be able to help you. Help you find a job, a place to stay etc. I am going thru a divorce after twenty years. I moved 2000 miles from my family and have no family here but my daughter. I am picking up the pieces and starting again. I urge you to find a support group. Be it through a church or women's services. He can pay your living expenses. Don't follow him home. He's a child. A selfish self serving child. He knew all you gave up and what it would cost you. You didn't twist his arm. You can make it without him. Thank god you didn't have a child! Hang in there sweetie.

[hannah sage]

I'm from Venezuela.