fabulousgal Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 So I just got dumped. Part of his reasoning was that I take too long to text him back. History on me, I haven't dated really since 2008. I travel all over, international and domestic. I don't keep in constant contact with anyone, ever. I've always been sort of bad responding to friends because of my schedule/ADD. Sometimes I'll forget to turn my phone off vibrate/silent. Also when I really like someone, I think about each reply (to be funny, cute, special) ... I'm not as good at being off the cuff. So I started dating someone who is not so independent. He likes company all the time. I loved the fact he liked to be around me. Sometimes I was a little like...whoa this is too much, but at the end of the day I was like, I'm a lucky gal. But when we were apart, I work and he doesn't. I have client dinners/staff dinners a lot after work and like to work out. I also like to see my friends once a week to mantain connections outside of my relationship when I am at home. So he'd text me, or I would and he was always real quick to reply. I am not all the time, sometimes I'd leave my phone in my purse or coat. Sometimes I'd be reading and take 15-20 to respond. Maybe I'd be napping, or walking home from the gym and wanted to shower first. I know this might seem weird but I just looked at it as we spend a lot of time together, as long as we are on/off contact through the day so what? Apparently this meant I was not into him. Or made him feel that way. There were other things too, but do you think it makes me a bad girlfriend if, say for example I ask him to meet up, he responds 30 minutes later asking when, I shoot him a time frame back, and then put my phone away because I was meeting a friend for a drink? I pulled out my phone before the time frame, he told me he may be out w a friend so I didn't think it was so serious. HE WAS LIVID. He knew I was meeting her, I hardly see her, and I thought he was already out with his friends. I was 1.5 hours later in responding, but before my suggested time window. I don't think this seems unreasonable, but what am I missing here? There are countless ADULT ways I had his back in this relationship. From cooking thoughtful meals, to helping him late nights/during work with his job search, to helping him recover from a serious flu by buying him basic goods, fresh juice/soup and preparing. My heart was in this, and it bugs me he couldn't see that.
will1988 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Sorry for your loss... in my line of work I see a lot of people go through similar break ups. I hope you heel. At least take comfort in the fact that your job is busy, and I'm assuming will start ramping up the travel this summer... keeping your mind busy will help! good luck!
Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 It sounds like he wants a woman on a leash, not an equal partner. You did nothing wrong. We can't all be tethered to our phone. 1
Author fabulousgal Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Thank you. Do you have thoughts on whether I was being rude with my texting habits?
will1988 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Thank you. Do you have thoughts on whether I was being rude with my texting habits? not at all... Although I live with my GF and see her every night, we both know that our texting and calling habits are erratic because our schedules do not mesh. I work 8 to 5 and have class 4 nights out of the week and weekends off... she works from like 2 to 9 mon-thur and works during the day on the weekends. It is a normal thing. Your behavior was not bad. Him expecting you to be able to respond to him so frequently and then calling you out was childish.
Treasa Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You weren't being rude. You have a life. He doesn't. He just didn't want to admit it. Keep doing what you're doing. It's healthy. I assure you that it's his loss, not yours, and you'll find much better. 1
Sweetnothing Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I've been on both sides of this texting dilemma and it sucks either way. When you're waiting for a reply that takes FOREVER your mind can go into some really dark places. After an hour of no reply even a perfectly secure person starts to wonder " are they ignoring me?!" In a society where people are glued to their phones constantly its hard to believe when a person is ACTUALLY busy. People text at work, while driving, at the movies, etc. It takes less than a minute to shoot someone a text so it's easy to think "wow... This person can't spare ONE minute for me?" And yeah it hurts. My ex wouldn't text me back if he was eating a sandwich. He couldn't be bothered. He didnt give a crap about me though so that's why I broke up with him. This guy seems to be under the impression that you don't care and that's hard when you like someone. I've been in the position where I'm too busy to text back and next thing I know I'm being BERATED for it. That's not fun either. All you can really do is explain that you do like him you're just a bad texter and hope he understands. If not then let him find a girl with more time on her hands.
Author fabulousgal Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 All you can really do is explain that you do like him you're just a bad texter and hope he understands. If not then let him find a girl with more time on her hands. The night before he took 2 hours to get back to me via text. I didn't feel great but understood. I have explained to him I was with my friend, catching up, tucked my phone away, think the world of him, want to treat him like a king, etc. He tells me I don't despite all these very sincere actions I have shown him. He blamed our break up 100% on me. I guess he just wanted out for some reason. His job search has been lackluster to say the least, and I think it is all getting to him.
FitChick Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 He's insecure and bored because he is unemployed. Date someone with a job and/or life outside of dating. 1
Author fabulousgal Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Hey again guys, Sorry to bother you again but I feel pretty damn lousy today. All tight in the chest, feeling like I lost, and over what? I am independent and also shy around men . I am not shy at work etc., but in relationships I am more comfortable letting the guy lead. I just keep replaying in my head him arguing how many times I call him vs. he calls me, same with text messages. He actually counted, more than once! Now you would think this is irrational on his part, but I feel so guilty. I tried very much to reassure him how into him I am. He had a key to my place, came and went as he pleased, I cooked for him, invited him out with my friends, invited him to weddings, I am not sure what else I could do. I don't think it is fair to beat myself up over not fitting his mold - do you think that is what it sounds like? I always thought relationships are about give and take, compromise, and seeing how two people can lead two lives and intertwine them as best as possible. What am I missing? Besides him.
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