Looks like its about time to tell the rest of my story (why women suck)

[ThatJustHappened]

Not in the way Candie is suggesting we don't!

 

Hahaha, true..but you know what I meant!!!

[Thunderchild]

Keenly

 

Very similar situation - ex of 5 years cheated on me at Xmas 2012 (according to her story) and fell preganant to him. End of relationship (period). She didn't try to foist her child onto me becasue she knew I was too sharp for her. I knew her menstrual cycle and knew that during her fertile period she was a way from me (on some work conference/junket). Plus, she claimed to have had a bad/painful ear infection over Xmas which macerated her eardrum.

 

And, despite climbing all over her post-New Year (after her return from her parents), she kept pushing me away and complaining that she didn't feel well - and, now I know why!

 

You feel pretty angry at women in general right now - that's OK, so do I.

 

That's perfectly normal defence mechanism. Please ignore the NAWALT brigade the "Not-All-Women-Are-Like-That" pleaders. The reality is that everyone has the opportuity to cheat in our society, and society does not sufficiently censure cheating to be any form of deterrent. "You made a mistake!" and "Learn from it and move on to someone else" simply reinforces the "cheater as exempt from the consequences of their actions" ethos.

 

Think of it like being handed a revolver with three rounds in the cylinder. Not All The Chambers Are Loaded (!) If someone invites you to put the barrel to your head an pull the trigger would you do so?? I very much doubt it.

 

There are good men and women out there - you just have to be more selective and look out for the signs that they're a wrong 'un.

Edited April 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KraftDinner]

My ex screwed me over royally but I can't, somehow, even fathom painting all men with the "jerk" brush.

 

OP, men are capable of evil and cruelty too. Why you restrict that to women is beyond me. A little silly. Actually a lot silly. But you're reacting emotionally rather than logically. Maybe you'll get over that.

[candie13]

Keenly

 

Very similar situation - ex of 5 years cheated on me at Xmas 2012 (according to her story) and fell preganant to him. End of relationship (period). She didn't try to foist her child onto me becasue she knew I was too sharp for her. I knew her menstrual cycle and knew that during her fertile period she was a way from me (on some work conference/junket). Plus, she claimed to have had a bad/painful ear infection over Xmas which macerated her eardrum.

 

And, despite climbing all over her post-New Year (after her return from her parents), she kept pushing me away and complaining that she didn't feel well - and, now I know why!

 

You feel pretty angry at women in general right now - that's OK, so do I.

 

That's perfectly normal defence mechanism. Please ignore the NAWALT brigade the "Not-All-Women-Are-Like-That" pleaders. The reality is that everyone has the opportuity to cheat in our society, and society does not sufficiently censure cheating to be any form of deterrent. "You made a mistake!" and "Learn from it and move on to someone else" simply reinforces the "cheater as exempt from the consequences of their actions" ethos.

 

Think of it like being handed a revolver with three rounds in the cylinder. Not All The Chambers Are Loaded (!) If someone invites you to put the barrel to your head an pull the trigger would you do so?? I very much doubt it.

 

There are good men and women out there - you just have to be more selective and look out for the signs that they're a wrong 'un.

 

God, the guy I just dated used to do that - he knew by heart when I had my last menstruation... of course I understand why he had those reflexes, but still... poor sob...

Edited April 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ThatJustHappened]

My ex screwed me over royally but I can't, somehow, even fathom painting all men with the "jerk" brush.

 

OP, men are capable of evil and cruelty too. Why you restrict that to women is beyond me. A little silly. Actually a lot silly. But you're reacting emotionally rather than logically. Maybe you'll get over that.

 

Wise words Kraft.

 

Your name makes me want mac and cheese...

[Thunderchild]

Candie13

 

Too right I knew, and she knew that I knew. Remember the old Arab expression; Trust in Allah, but always tie up your camel!

[dreamingoftigers]

10%? lol. Hate to tell ya bro, that is about 95% of western women. The contemporary women in western society only cares about partying and fuc'ing.

 

I will confess to liking fuc*ing.

 

But only in happy, monogamous relationships.

[candie13]

Candie13

 

Too right I knew, and she knew that I knew. Remember the old Arab expression; Trust in Allah, but always tie up your camel!

 

whatever rocks your boat, man. I cannot be in a relationship with a man, if there is not a minimum of trust, respect, yes, even admiration, looking up to one another. I believe contraception definitely is both partner's responsibility, so I agree to your Allah allegory to that extent, that is why condoms are always a must.

 

To me, knowing this type of almost invasive detail is crossing the line, it's a bit sickening, because it shows not just that my partner does not trust me, but might think that I am planning to do something against him or his best interest / his wishes.

 

I mean, I am preparing nice dinners, taking care of him while sick, caring for him, sleeping with him, making time to see him when he's also got crazy hours and he thinks I'm trying to get myself pregnant with him, behind his back? Lol, I'm a highly educated individual, earn above most of my peers - men and women, am attractive, still reasonably young... he should go fish somewhere else, I am allergic to this type of thinking.

 

In the end, compatibility is about sharing the same set of values... trust is part of that. Him thinking I'd do anything behind his back is a deal breaker, that's one of the reason that relationship didn't survive more than a few months.

[Phoe]

Let's look at it this way....

 

You have already acknowledged that the women who do this foul stuff are in the minority. This means that chances are good that the next one will be a decent woman, right?

 

Yes, you'll have a wall up, it may even be a good thing... it'll weed out the women who aren't willing to be patient and understanding towards you.

 

BUT.... there's only so long a woman can be patient. When you find a woman who is kind and gentle with your heart, a woman who is willing to be patient while you learn to trust her, realize that you can't make her wait too long. You'll have to find it in yourself to take that leap and trust again. If you don't, then that amazing woman will give up...

 

Every boyfriend I've had cheated on me. I regularly hear stories from female friends who's boyfriends and husbands cheated on them (and some females who did cheating themselves...). It seems that ALL AROUND ME are people who just can't be faithful. It's scary, but my desire to find love is stronger than my fear of being hurt.

[Keenly]

On I'd love to hear this one .

 

 

Please explain how the following is my fault.

 

Last June we were doing great relationship was awesome! She became homeless and I took her in before she had to spend a single night in her car. One night a few weeks later she wanted to go to a party of my friends and I didn't because I had just worked a 12 hour day, because I paid for her food AND housing with me . She got pissed at me because I didn't want to party , went out and screwed some dude, told me she was raped.

 

She continued to sleep with this guy without my knowledge, and got pregnant. To the person who said "omg you kicked out your pregnant girlfriend d?". Damn right I did because her pregnancy time line and our sex life did NOT match up.

 

 

Sooooooo I'll love to hear how this is my fault. I wrote songs for this girl, I did everything for her, I would have given anything for her, and she decided to be a selfish whore.

[candie13]

Keenly, people don't just turn around all of a sudden. Was this the first time she cheated on you? I bet it was not. Call me naive, but no matter how irregular your sex life if, sometimes it's enough to have sex once, in one month and the pregnancy is there...

 

so unless you were living together, not having had sex for months, her previously cheating on you, I don't see how you'd just be in that situation you're just describing as last June...

 

if she did cheat before June, things were not exactly rosy, where they? Listen, I apologize in advance, as I'm making assumptions, but people never just change like that. You have signs that you chose to ignore. That is your big "fault", even though you are not responsible for her actions. Sometimes, choosing to tolerate someone who is this emotionally and mentally unstable, equals to playing Russian roulette. You will get the bullet at some point, it's only a matter of time...

 

Now, I think, you're all heated up, upset and hurting. Do your best to cool down, Keenly and think long and hard what you can do to avoid attracting this type of girls near you. Think of the signs you missed, because you shall start dating again and you want to do a lot better.

[dreamingoftigers]

I disagree with this Blame the Victim Bullsh*t that this forum sometimes heaps.

 

Like every person that's been married to a serial killer or rapist or thief or all-around bad person had an inkling what was going on and/or they ignored "all the flags."

 

Sometimes people are just very good at being manipulative, lying horrible people.

 

I was married for three years with NO signs of any issues when I was eight months pregnant I found out about my husband's activities.

 

I was completely, completely blindsided. I was told all the same crap. "you must've known" "you probably weren't giving him enough sex" "probably a pride in bed or no fun" "you missed the flags" "you aren't a victim, you're a volunteer" "you were probably getting off on the drama."

 

Well guess what? The only mildly colored flag there was was that he had a crazy mother. I saw the way he handled her, and it was admirable.

 

I was also told by a therapist that I must have married him for the "fun times because obviously, since he was a cheater he couldn't have ever been taken seriously."(whom I canned not long after for two highly unprofessional breaches of confidence including revealing to my FATHER the contents of our

therapy sessions. Are you kidding me?)

 

I married my husband largely because ge had been demonstratably HONEST and didn't appear to have any mother issues at all. He was kind, affectionate, loving and sexual. He treated me so well that sometimes I could cry actual tears of joy for being so lucky to have found someone like him.

 

I went over my whole relationship and marriage in my head for YEARS trying to see where the lack of judgment was. How did I attach myself to a train headed towards a crash and not see "what I should've known?"

 

Well: there wasn't any abberational signs that said he was a douchebag!

There just f-ing weren't. And F anyone who claims to be an internal expert on my husband. They know what he became when the walls fell down. They don't know how he presented. They don't know how we interacted. They don't know dick.

 

People lie. And when they believe their own lies, they are even better at them.

 

Your crime here was trusting someone that appeared to be trustworthy for a long time. She wasn't. And you aren't OMNIPOTENT either. You can't predict the future or read minds any better than anyone else on this forum. And people here shouldn't expect that from you because of what your gf became.

 

She probably didn't even know what she was until she was dumb enough to do it.

 

F that crap!

 

It offends their egos and hope for a clear, honest, healthy relationship to think that they could go months or years without truly, deeply knowing someone.

 

When we share our life, home and bed with someone we tend to have a basic level of trust and respect with them. We tend to expect the same courtesy we put out there. This isn't outlandish or crazy. It's basic. Some people just can't do basics whatsoever.

 

10%? lol. Hate to tell ya bro, that is about 95% of western women. The contemporary women in western society only cares about partying and fuc'ing.

 

On I'd love to hear this one .

 

 

Please explain how the following is my fault.

 

Last June we were doing great relationship was awesome! She became homeless and I took her in before she had to spend a single night in her car. One night a few weeks later she wanted to go to a party of my friends and I didn't because I had just worked a 12 hour day, because I paid for her food AND housing with me . She got pissed at me because I didn't want to party , went out and screwed some dude, told me she was raped.

 

She continued to sleep with this guy without my knowledge, and got pregnant. To the person who said "omg you kicked out your pregnant girlfriend d?". Damn right I did because her pregnancy time line and our sex life did NOT match up.

 

 

Sooooooo I'll love to hear how this is my fault. I wrote songs for this girl, I did everything for her, I would have given anything for her, and she decided to be a selfish whore.

[dreamingoftigers]

As well, how old are you? I'm guessing you aren't 67 with a lifetime of marital and relational experience grounding you.

 

The way people just expect us to know everything that comes out of this Unwritten Relationship Manual when we're still young behooves me!

 

I got married at 23. I didn't know everything about everything but I did think I knew my partner extremely well. Maybe at 35, 45 I'll look back and see where I should have whited-out and gone over some of my choices, but really expecting me to be able to have spotted, figured out and have completely reasonable expectations of an LDR by my early twenties is rather....rare.

 

I'm sorry you got burned. And in such a Bullsh*t ridiculous way!

 

Don't kid yourself. 95% of the people on this forum failed to be as omnipotent as they expect you to be. That's why they are here in the first place. At least a good number of them can look back and see the "flags" they missed.

 

It really pisses me of that "you should've known you were being lied to and manipulated." Because our lying, manipulating partners let us know that's what they are doing, right?

 

They do a sit down saying, "oh yeah, here's the part where I need to tell you heaps of Bullsh*t, okay?" and then we just smile and say, "give me that sh*t sandwich honey, you make them taste so good. Want a backrub?"

 

Because if they played straight why would they need to lie and manipulate in the first place? DUH!

[candie13]

I am not making assumptions as to anyone's past relationship and what they should have known or not.

 

What really pisses me off is a guy who lives with his gf who gets pregnant when they were all cool and inlove, but then he freaks out when finds out about her pregnancy because it didn't match their sexual pattern.

 

It can't all be true. If it's all fine, then you are f*cking like rabbits, every night or every other night. If you are having sex with your gf, chances are that kid is yours. If you are 100% sure that kid is not yours, it means that there are months when your gf lives with you and you're not having sex. Meaning the relationship wasn't that fantastic to begin with.

 

I am not saying people cannot manipulate the hell right of you if they have an interest in this. They can and they shall, if you're that unlucky.

 

That is why I am asking all those questions. This is about Keenly and his situation, not about anyone else's marriage, or so I thought.

[Keenly]

I am not making assumptions as to anyone's past relationship and what they should have known or not.

 

What really pisses me off is a guy who lives with his gf who gets pregnant when they were all cool and inlove, but then he freaks out when finds out about her pregnancy because it didn't match their sexual pattern.

 

It can't all be true. If it's all fine, then you are f*cking like rabbits, every night or every other night. If you are having sex with your gf, chances are that kid is yours. If you are 100% sure that kid is not yours, it means that there are months when your gf lives with you and you're not having sex. Meaning the relationship wasn't that fantastic to begin with.

 

I am not saying people cannot manipulate the hell right of you if they have an interest in this. They can and they shall, if you're that unlucky.

 

That is why I am asking all those questions. This is about Keenly and his situation, not about anyone else's marriage, or so I thought.

I went to a different state for two and a half months and came back to a girlfriend that was two weeks pregnant at the time.

 

 

While I was gone , she sent me a picture of all the chocolate she got to "handle" her time 40 days before I got home. I found out the regnancy timeline from the person that did the ultrasound in October .

 

 

Oh and the paternity test proved I was right. What else am I lying about ?

 

 

Seriously its insulting to have you sit here and tell me km making this up. And also to tell me its my fault. Do I bear some responsibility for being manipulated ? Absolutely , but fault and responsibility are two different things. I guess the woman that gets murdered not her boyfriend should have seen it coming right ?

 

The man that gets cheated on is at fault right ?

Edited April 2, 2013 by Keenly

[candie13]

Did she cheat on you before?

 

how much of a party animal was she - goes out once or twice per week? All-nighters? How much is she generally drinking when she parties?

 

Does she goes partying alone or with you? How are her friends - stable guys, career oriented or more into partying, free love type of personalities?

 

Is she a flirty person or keeps more to herself?

[candie13]

how about the rape thing? previously you said she didn't want to have sex because of the rape... you never said anything about coming with the pregnancy test when she was 2 weeks pregnant.

 

I never said you were lying, what I am saying is you're giving only part of the story, those that you prefer.

 

The only fault - again, strong word - is that by looking at her, her profile, how she acted, maybe you could have understood that she was not very reliable.

 

No one can foresee anyone else cheating. If two people have a romantic thing, trust is implicit.

[Keenly]

The rape thing was ridiculous I can't believe she put me through that. Sex was gone for a few weeks before I left then was back when I was gone. As far as I know,it was the first time she cheated on me. She was not the partying type , we were very much alike. Introverts that didn't go out much . This whole thing seems like at atom bomb that came out of both where. Obviously if I saw signs of this stuff coming I would have said something .

 

I was blindsided by almost every detail at once, and today she had the courtesy of texting me to let me know the dude who "raped" her is now her current boyfriend ! YAY news!

[candie13]

again, how can you say all was perfect in your one year and a half relationship when you lived in another state for 2 and a half months? I am not saying that this is an excuse for you ex to cheat, but that is a serious change.

 

As I was saying, another detail you chose to not share.

 

Keenly, I am not into attacking people and certainly not into turning victims into aggressors. I am sincerely sorry if I came across as "after you". But there are things in your story... I feel strongly about this site and about posting, as I feel I can add value, I can help. It is my time, it is precious, I choose to spending doing right.

 

But this only works if you are honest. Honest with yourself and with us. Feel like whining? Fine, whine as much as you want. But do not adopt the perfect victim attitude... my intuition tells me that in your case, there were signs. I may be wrong.

 

You are the only one who knows what the truth is. But if saving face on LS is more important to you than actually understanding what the reality really was, if there really were signs that could have saved you from your heart ache, you'd be a fool to miss this opportunity to learn.

 

Your choice. I'll never know the truth anyway.

[destroyed4sho]

Musta been a good raping :-s...This girl is a manipulative lying animal. But you know.what there are also men out.there that impregate several women and are dead beat dads that dont give a hoot how many children they have. But not all men are like that. Ah there is good and bad in both sexes....who you end up meeting/connecting with is based on luck and who your attracted too.

 

I know how you feel bc I hold sooo much anger and resentment and distrust as well. Just ANOTHER thing to get over and conquer on the long list of 'Post BU to do list' :-(

[destroyed4sho]

btw, aren't you happy now that it isnt yours?? I would be considering what a messed up person she is.

[Keenly]

again, how can you say all was perfect in your one year and a half relationship when you lived in another state for 2 and a half months? I am not saying that this is an excuse for you ex to cheat, but that is a serious change.

 

As I was saying, another detail you chose to not share.

 

Keenly, I am not into attacking people and certainly not into turning victims into aggressors. I am sincerely sorry if I came across as "after you". But there are things in your story... I feel strongly about this site and about posting, as I feel I can add value, I can help. It is my time, it is precious, I choose to spending doing right.

 

But this only works if you are honest. Honest with yourself and with us. Feel like whining? Fine, whine as much as you want. But do not adopt the perfect victim attitude... my intuition tells me that in your case, there were signs. I may be wrong.

 

You are the only one who knows what the truth is. But if saving face on LS is more important to you than actually understanding what the reality really was, if there really were signs that could have saved you from your heart ache, you'd be a fool to miss this opportunity to learn.

 

Your choice. I'll never know the truth anyway.

 

For some one who's time is so important, you sure seem to be nit picking for details and pushing a fair amount of blame my way instead of offering advice how to move past it.

 

How is it so hard to believe the relationship feels good before it blows up? Ask any woman who got cheated on and found out out of the blue.... she should have seen signs right ?

[Keenly]

btw, aren't you happy now that it isnt yours?? I would be considering what a messed up person she is.

 

Its bittersweet.....honestly...

 

I was looking forward to spoiling my little girl... now that's gone.

[destroyed4sho]

Its bittersweet.....honestly...

 

I was looking forward to spoiling my little girl... now that's gone.

 

AND you'd be stuck with that manipulative liar of a woman forever!!

[candie13]

I got cheated on, Keenly, and my situation was similar to yours... sort of. I had to leave France as I had a better job offer elsewhere and guess what, my bf back in Paris cheated the exact month when I got my promotion.

 

did I see it coming? Hell, no! We'd been together for 3 years and were very much inlove - briefly lived together too, before my move. But, looking back, reminding his character - he needed a lot of reassurance, considering his need of attention and of excitement, of conquest... the fact that he too, was feeling vulnerable, because of the change... yes, that was predictable. Because he had moments of strong doubt, of weakness.

 

He came and confessed immediately after the affair. The next day. He could have continued it for months, I wasn't living with him anymore, I couldn't have found out.

 

Did it not hurt like hell? OMG, it did.

 

But thinking back, analyzing his personality... no... foreseeable. It took me a lot of courage to admit this, but I feel better because I can spot his type now. I am strong and used to feel drawn to more creative, less strong guys, which I encouraged and whom inspired me. Thing is... the moment you turn your back or are weaker, they need another shoulder to cry on . Got over this type now.

 

Ideally, this is the type of reasoning I wish for you to do... but if you say that there was no pattern, no sign, fine, I believe you. I don't know better. She was a horrible person to have done this to you and lied to your face the way she did.