GiGi05 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Hello everyone...I am new here. Well, I find myself in dilemmas alot. I just can't figure out if I'm the problem or is it the guys I meet. First let me be honest, I don't admit this alot but to get a fair response, you need to know the whole story. I will shorten it.... Not alot of dating experience. Every guy I met in the past ended up being a boyfriend of 2-12 years. No casual dating, no 1 night stands, no dinner dates, just meet and then long term. My 12 yr relationship was abusive. More emotional then physical. He created an insecurity that is haunting me. He told me all guys will ever want from you is sex. Never thought that did anything but obviously it did because immediately going into meeting a guy, I'm already thinking it and worrying. I work alot, raise my kids alone, their father never gets them for visits. So I have my kids 24/7. Meeting people was a challenge. I waited 2 years to start opening myself up to dating. Used an online dating site. I have only met 3 people in person from it. 1 after the first date I knew he was married or had a gf. He would text me days apart...it was weird, wrote him off right away. The 2nd one hurt me a bit. Took it slow, lots of phone calls for hours, met up with him, he was great, we ended up dating 3 months. Did seem to move fast but so did most of my other long term relationships. If it feels right I go with it. He was wonderful, lots of coffee dates, dinners, we spent about 3 nights a week together and talked every day, but once we had sex a week later he was gone. Why would he stick around 3 months, put so much time n effort into it just for sex? He was a good looking guy, he could get anyone! It wasn't like it was the one time and he was gone, it was like once that build up was gone, we did that on a regular for a week then one day he asked to see me that night but I never saw him again. That crushed me cuz it went from 0-100 quick and went 100-0 just as fast! So that stung. Waited a bit, then met another guy online. This time I'm really on guard. He was laid back. Never any pressure, went on a few dates and hit it off pretty well. I went into it with no expectations because of what happened so this time I decided I am not going to look for long term. I'm just going to take things as they come and not put much thought into it. Whatever happens happens. Well as embarrassing as this is, people will judge and that's cool but we did end up hooking up. I am nit the type to carry on a no strings attached relationship and have made that clear to him however, I am quite sure that is what this is. I won't contact him, he always contacts me but I don't know why. He will send a good morning text, ask me through the day how's my day, what are you up to, send me quick little notes. Sometimes call randomly, but never to ask to see me, never to flirt really, I assumed after we had sex he was going to stop talking to me but he hasn't. I have asked him a couple times what he is looking for and he said he is looking to get to know me better. Sex was just part of that and brings people closer. Really? Still getting to know me after sex? It's BS but I just don't kno if I should just move on or keep ties to him open. We do get along great, he's like a best friend, I just don't know where this is going. He's not calling me in the middle of the night looking to hook up or only talking about sex. We talk like we did before sex. It's almost like it never happened. It's confusing. Let go or stick around and see what happens? I'm not gonna be hurt if he is gone, my feelings for him are there but not intense like the other guy. I just want to find someone and not feel all these insecurities.
soccerrprp Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Yes, you do. So we all do to a point. Your suspicions and trust-issues are common among many women...and men who have had partners do what your husband did to you. I don't have anything philosophical or brilliant to tell you other than relationships are inherently risky. We all risk being hurt by engaging in the art and practice of relationship building. The only way to avoid risk is to not engage in it and that is not, or it seems that it is not an option for you. The last guy sounds "better." More attentive, but who knows. The risk of not taking a chance is to lose someone who really is good. Take a little slower? Have more non-sexual dates and see what happens. Good luck and I am sorry about your @#$%! ex. It only takes one jack-wagon to leave a mark of insecurity, maladjustment to last a lifetime.
Sweetnothing Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I wouldn't go so far as to say you are the "problem" but your self esteem is attracting problematic relationships. You deserve a good guy but abusive and manipulative men target women who will put up with it. The easiest solution is to just not put up with it. I'm guilty of putting up with a lot of crap from guys thinking they would eventually realize they were treating me poorly. The thing is, when you tolerate abuse it's the same as telling a guy "I love it when you treat me like crap please keep doing it!" You gotta stick up for yourself. As wonderful as the guy may seem if he abuses you, kick him to the curb. If he ignores you, kick him to the curb. If he disrespects you, kick him to the curb. Ever play Texas hold 'em? If you play every hand you're given you're going to lose a LOT. You gotta keep folding until you get dealt a hand worth playing to increase your odds of winning. If you meet a guy and right off the bat there's all kinds of red flags just go with your gut and move on. It's one thing to have a bad relationship but if ALL of your relationships are bad then you are approaching it wrong. 1
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 You'll always wonder why the second man left. Maybe because he is a jerk, Maybe because he got what he wanted or maybe because he knew you were better than what he deserved so many maybes, but I have an idea. He left, because he had real feelings for you. It was all fun and game for him, but then it hit him, he actually liked you, and this is really a dangerous road for guys like him, so he run away! Now, we have settled that matter.. For some reason the universe had given you a chance..... A good man it seems, you either take the chance and find peace or run away like that coward"2nd man" did.......your choice! Ok
Recommended Posts