OW here

[nofool4u]

The exOM lives 4 hours away hence the chances of her husband seeing him are incredibly low. Whereas his two exOW live in the same town.

 

So basically the only difference is KL sees OW once in a while? Not because OW shows up in their life, she is just out grocery shopping or something?

 

My response is, so what? They both had affairs, but because the OW lives closer, then she is deciding she can't forgive his affair, but is going to expect him to forgive hers.

 

 

OP - it is possible to recover from when you have both had affairs.

 

Sounds to me like she is saying it isn't. She has a limit that has been breached. Only way to "recover" is for them to move.

[katielee]

Actually, I think what I did was worse, I had sex, he did not. Yet instill will not be punished or disrespected ANY more in this relationship....

[anne1707]

My response is, so what? They both had affairs, but because the OW lives

closer, then she is deciding she can't forgive his affair, but is going to

expect him to forgive hers.

 

I agree with you - it is unfair of her and I made that point in my post too. They have both hurt each other and the marriage and there is no "my pain is worse than your pain".

[katielee]

I think I'm being asked to sacrifice more to stay married. He doesn't have to go about his life worrying about running into two, let alone one AP. it's like I'm going about my day and I get slapped in the face. That doesn't happen to him.

Some of you are acting like I deserve this. I do not.

And who says I expect him to forgive me? I understand if he does not.

[nofool4u]

Actually, I think what I did was worse, I had sex, he did not. Yet instill will not be punished or disrespected ANY more in this relationship....

 

You aren't being disrespected because an OW happens to be out in public.

 

Only way you are disrespected is if your H is still seeing her, or one of the OW make it a point to get up all in your face. But that doesn't sound like whats happening by your description.

[nofool4u]

I think I'm being asked to sacrifice more to stay married.

 

I don't think so. One could look at it as since you had sex with the OM and he didn't with the OW, then perhaps it is him that is sacrificing more knowing what you and OM did.

 

Now I'll digress that it shouldn't come down to that. But if you want to look at it from the perspective of who is sacrificing more, then sorry, knowing that you had sex with the OM is alot for your H to swallow, I'm sure.

 

Trust me, he is swallowing alot more than you are. Not that there should be any score keeping.

 

 

He doesn't have to go about his life worrying about running into two, let alone one AP.

 

But he does have to go about his life with the porno movie playing in his head of what you and OM did.

 

 

Some of you are acting like I deserve this. I do not.

 

No, but he gets to envision you riding another man, so saying you refuse to live having to see the OW around town, while your H gets to replay the sex you and OM had, I think you need to suck it up if your H is willing to suck it up when he thinks of you and OM having sex.

[anne1707]

Katie

 

Just so you know. I am a fWS. I had a 3 year affair. My H had an affair before me (only a month or 2 long). I still work with the exOM and my H and I have managed to deal with that. I am not judging you. I am saying that you need to get past this if you are to recover. You cannot hold this over him if you want this marriage. But in turn he needs to be absolutely honest with you.

[katielee]

so, because I had sex I deserve all this. I do NOT.

There should not be any score keeping.

But nothing is happening to him. And it's still happening to me. That's the thing that needs to stop.

He has mind movies? I saw the real show. But that's not the point.

What I asked is help in getting over seeing these women. Like getting past it. And I CANNOT seem to do that. It seems like I'm not honoring myself if I do.

Hell, it seems like I'm not honoring myself if I accept ANY of this.

 

And, he has those same choices... but that is a different subject. Just because I did this doesn't mean I have to be ok with him doing it.

I do NOT and I will NOT. And he should never be ok with what I did.

[anne1707]

My H is not OK with what I did either. And I am not OK with what he did. But we have worked our way through the pain and anger that brings. It is part of our history. It is not forgotten but it is forgiven. If you cannot do that then reconciliation is not an option.

[nofool4u]

so, because I had sex I deserve all this. I do NOT.

 

I already answered "no" to that.

 

I'm saying that you cant handle that the OW live in the community, but since you had sex, your husband could say that is his limit and he can't take it anymore. But sounds like he is not saying that.

 

 

There should not be any score keeping.

 

And I said this.

 

 

But nothing is happening to him.

 

Oh don't kid yourself. If you think your H doesn't have visions of the OM penetrating you, and you liking it, in his head from time to time, you are mistaken.

It DOES haunt him, trust me. You just may not know it because he might choose to bottle it up.

 

 

And it's still happening to me. That's the thing that needs to stop.

 

Then how do you stop your H from envisioning you and OM having sex?

 

 

He has mind movies?

 

Yessiree

 

 

I saw the real show. But that's not the point.

What I asked is help in getting over seeing these women. Like getting past it.

 

And if you are serious about this marriage, you are going to have to, just like he is going to have to get over knowing you had sex with the OM.

 

If he were, say, working with the OW and had to be in contact for that reason, then I'd say you are absolutely correct and he needs to find another job.

But if he is not involved with them, and they are not purposely in your face, then you will have to get over it just like your husband has to get over knowing you had sex with another man.

 

 

And, he has those same choices... but that is a different subject.

 

No, its not a different subject. Its the same subject, just from his side of the story. So far, and correct me if I'm wrong, that he isn't willing to dump the marriage because you had sex with the OM, is he? Is he trying to not let it get to him to the point you are letting this get to you?

 

 

Just because I did this doesn't mean I have to be ok with him doing it.

 

I do NOT and I will NOT. And he should never be ok with what I did.

 

But the difference is, unless I'm mistaken, your H isn't drawing some limit, even after knowing you had sex with the OM, but you are drawing a limit simply because the OW are in the same town.

 

Hey, I'm not saying you have to be ok with that. But its unfair to your H after what he has to swallow. Thats my point.

[Jonah]

When you think that everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a-lot. ---Dalai Lama

[katielee]

I had sex, my husband is staying with me.

My husband had two physical affairs with no sex (that I know about) and I am staying with him. But I don't want to see these OW around. And I am having difficulty accepting what I need to do to stay in this marriage - forgive. Maybe he's a better person than I? I don't know.

he has his choices, I have mine.

 

someone else's fault? I don't get that. I caused my own misery? We would have been a lot better off had there been just one affair - mine. now, we probably won't recover because of all the other crap that happened.

I didn't cause ALL of this and I won't take responsibility for all of it.

 

It's like the theme here is I got what I deserved and I am to blame for everything... well, I may as well just kill myself then.

[katielee]

Sure we could move but then he would be resentful. His job is more important to him. What I want to happen us for me not to care about seeing them. What I want is not to care about pretty women wanting to connect with him on LinkedIn. I don't want to care. Tired of pain. So tired of it.....

I want To reconcile. But I can't swallow the **** sandwich that will require me to do it.

My husband is. I cannot....

[katielee]

Yes we do all kinds of things, kids out of nest so.... The pain is profound though.... we try to limit the talking, but now I'm sobbing so we'll have to talk about it tonight when he comes home.

And ya know what? He didn't forgive me for what I did. He punished me with two revenge affairs. What I'm saying is that the hurt has got to stop.....

[anne1707]

Katie

 

Are you and your husband in any kind of counselling? Marriage (MC) or Individual (IC)?

[katielee]

Blondie - OMG....

Yes I have PSTD, it took me three IC to get this diagnosis but i dont know how to heal myself, people just say suck it up and move on...

we went to Hawaii in January, I spend 500 a month on spa stuff. What ppl have said here about me being to blame has sent me over the edge. I grabbed a knife and went to the park but didn't Do anything. He called me and I came home, although he asked that I never go to that park again as that's the place OM built me a snowman and hubby can't stand it.

Yes, I can't bear to think that I caused all this.

I don't know how to forgive myself...

We are in MC and IC.

[whichwayisup]

He hasn't forgiven me. He is trying to get to a point where he CAN forgive me and have a healthy happy relationship better than it was before the affairs. This is what I want as well.

No, I haven't forgiven him either. Too much bad crap and it's been less than a year.

 

I want to not care about seeing them. Believe me, nobody wants it more than me. But, I have an emotional reaction when I see them and I'm sick and tired of being traumatized. I Saw him on top of her when I caught him....

 

The thought of "sucking it up" feels like I'm not honoring myself, it's like saying that abuse was ok.

 

K I wasn't sure how far along you two were with working it out.

 

maybe a separation is needed? this way you both can figure out if your marriage is worth saving. Sometimes it can't be saved due to too much pain and mistrust.

[whichwayisup]

I Saw him on top of her when I caught him....

 

I had sex, my husband is staying with me.

My husband had two physical affairs with no sex (that I know about) and I am staying with him. But I don't want to see these OW around. And I am having difficulty accepting what I need to do to stay in this marriage - forgive. Maybe he's a better person than I? I don't know.

he has his choices, I have mine.

 

Sorry this doesn't make sense. You saying he had two affairs with two different women, no sex, yet you say you caught him on top of her. so they fooled around but no physical/penetration sex?

 

You both have to choose to forgive and work together, let stuff go and do your best to create new memories, affair proof your marriage, grow together and learn to trust again.

 

You cannot control who you see while out and about but you can control how you react to it on some level. Counseling can help you with that.

[katielee]

Sorry this doesn't make sense. You saying he had two affairs with two different women, no sex, yet you say you caught him on top of her. so they fooled around but no physical/penetration sex?

.

 

yes...

I really appreciate everyone weighing in because I was in a really dark spot last night...

I know I'm being irrational. I want something irrational - to not ever be reminded that this happened.

I've come to realize I'm having a really hard time with acceptance. I can't accept what he did and I keep thinking, if we move, if I never see them again, then maybe I will feel better...

 

Sure I want to move forward, and he's being pretty great, but that means I have to swallow some big unfairness, and I'm fighting against that.

 

This year I started something new and officiated a sport at a college level, and donated all the money I made to a local girls team...

 

And, I am trarining for a triathlon so that keeps me busy exercising. Of course, when you're out running or biking the thoughts can wander. We talked last night about the million positive things we have going on in out lives.. and we really do. So, do I throw that away because I hate what he did and the constant reminders of what he did? I don't know. Apparently I neeed to change my thinking. And I don't know how to do that...

[waterwoman]

yes...

Sure I want to move forward, and he's being pretty great, but that means I have to swallow some big unfairness, and I'm fighting against that.

 

 

 

Yep. Swallowing the unfairness is a tough one. I have more or less managed it but there are times when I want to scream and stamp my feet and scream 'it's no FAIR!' but that won't help anyone especially me. There is no way through this by making it 'fair'.

 

Good luck with the triathlon. I am so envious! I have had to give up running recently due to injuries that simply never seem to heal. Focusing on externals is really helpful x

[katielee]

regarding the pain and mistrust - its there alright. Today is the business event where he met OW#2 and I was going to park out there for 3 hours to see if he showed up. I told him this and he was floored. He said I thought we were beyond something like this... he just assumed he wouldn't go because she would be there. And I said I can't read your mind, I didn't know what you would do. But obviously, still mistrust.

 

And, he asked me not to go to that park again. Ok, no skin off my back, there are plenty of parks where I can walk but I said you went all over town with these women - out to lunch, bars, etc. - and if I said that to you there would be no place you could go - and I snickered. He said well that's not true but said, yes, I guess I shouldnt' be throwing stones at you...

 

He has IC today. I'm going to try to schedule one soon. MC this weekend. Our MC is like, think about it for 15 minutes and then go about your day.

[Jonah]

KatieLee!

 

I was thinking of you this morning on my way to work, how the chaos of your story is similar to mine. Hindsight helps so I hope that in sharing what I learned may help you somehow.

 

Impetigo, a bug disease that effects school age children that know how to scratch but need to learn that scratching makes it worse. In similitude, this is what we do to make ourselves feel better... we run through the storyline over and over in our heads because it gives us a little relief, temporary relief in it justifies, makes us right and them wrong.

 

But the storyline makes it worse you see. We have relived it, scratched it, made the sore bleed, spreading the disease all over ourself's until we bleed everywhere. That is where you are now.

 

The idea is to understand that when we scratch (go over the storyline) that it makes it worse. Then with that, we can catch ourselfs... (ah,there I go again). But what do we do with the thought? We are so caught up in it and it is so juicy we just have to follow it!

 

Sometimes we cant help it. And that's ok. Its not like we are trying to shoot the thoughts down like clay pigeons. Its more that we are aware what is happening.

 

But when we can pause the thought, where then can we go? The bad feeling is there... the itch. So easy to scratch. But where is the feeling coming from? Deep inside of you Katielee. Deep inside of where YOU reside.

 

This terrible thing that has happened to you is giving you an opportunity to learn some things about yourself. A strong feeling that radiates from within. I real hurt that you can connect with. Find it Katielee. Find the tender place inside of you where your essence resides. Follow the thread of your hurt into yourself. From there you can give yourself the compassion that only you can give. There you will find your relief.

 

Society teaches us that it is not ok to have discomfort. So when we feel discomfort we think there is something wrong. But that concept is false as it is impossible to live without discomfort. What we need to learn it that it's ok to feel discomfort, to have dis-ease.

 

So this hurt that you feel, it may never go away. But you can learn to be ok with it. Consider the father that runs a stop sign causing his daughter to be killed. It would likely kill him too. Or he can have compassion for himself, get to know the tender place inside of himself that hurts. From there he will learn love not just for himself but for all that he meets. For he knows it's no ones fault. Its just the way events resolved themselves.

 

The people on this board that have learned the compassion to help you... they wouldn't understand your pain if they had not lived it themselves. They learned enough compassion for themselves that they have enough for you too.

 

The story lines Katielee... practice breaking the cycle. Learn to love yourself enough to not scratch. If you just have to scratch, do it in slow motion. Take ten deep breaths first and you may forget about the itch. Learn that its ok to have unpleasant feelings. to feel unease is just as normal as having good feelings. When you do hurt, follow the thread to within... find out who Katielee is.

 

Ointment that may help to alleviate the itch may include self help study, loveshack.com, counseling... But if you keep scratching Katie, you will bleed.

 

Those folks that crossed you... are they all that different than you? They suffer same as you Katielee. Their karma will play out... you won't need worry. They will suffer. Same as you. Same as me.

 

Do some people watching someday. See how we are all struggling. How we all suffer. It will help you have compassion for all including those that wronged you... compassion for yourself.

 

May your thoughts become as clouds crossing a blue sky, interesting and enjoyable... not affection your inner serenity.

 

-Jonah

[nofool4u]

We would have been a lot better off had there been just one affair - mine.

 

Uh, ok, I have just one question for the statement above.......what??

 

It's like the theme here is I got what I deserved and I am to blame for everything.

 

No, you aren't listening.

[katielee]

Uh, ok, I have just one question for the statement above.......what??

 

 

less to heal from, although it would have been best if there were none.

 

yes, ppl have said you reap what you sow, etc, etc...

 

no one deserves to be cheated on for any reason.

[nofool4u]

Uh, ok, I have just one question for the statement above.......what??

 

 

less to heal from

 

You mean so that YOU didn't have to be the one healing.

 

 

, although it would have been best if there were none.

 

We can definitely agree on that.

 

yes, ppl have said you reap what you sow, etc, etc...

 

And that is correct. People do reap what they sow. Doesn't mean you deserve it. As wrong as it is, your H had revenge affairs as a result of you having sex with another man. It was wrong and he should have held himself up to a higher standard. Revenge cheating is just as deplorable.