katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I saw one Saturday shopping for my children's EAster gifts... I did ok and didn't let it ruin my day. Then on Sunday there was an article in the paper about her and how she planned the business thing where they met a year ago. I triggered so badly it just put me over the edge. I'm tired of this. Either they go or I go, I want to tell him. But realistically, I accept it or move. This is so unfair! After two affairs and no confession, I shouldn't have to put up with one more f@cking thing! What would you do?
ComingInHot Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 We were able to move far away. It helped immensely! New start. New friends. New life w/No physical reminders (for the most part*) Maybe You could move? Unless the BS doesn't know of the A, no matter the "success" you read and see, she may still have triggers too. Why can YOU do to heal and move forward? CIH*
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 My husband has two OW. I saw the 2nd one on Saturday and then in the paper on Sunday. Both his OW live here.
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 no he is not in the contact. the affairs are over. both of their spouses know. he's doing everything he can... so if I want to reconcile with him, I have to accept this and I just CANNOT. 1
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 my OM lives 4 hours from us. so, no. I've said to him several times, "how would you feel...." "what would you do if you were me..." he always answers that he doesn't know...
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 we are in MC. torturing myself? how can I fix it? I can't.
NotCamelot Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 The problem is, neither you nor the "law" can make them move. Moving would be your choice if you wanted to do so. Don't know where you live, but is the town so small that you see them all the time? Even though you shoudn't have to, why not pick different shopping places if you can. Try not to go to places where you do see them. Is this possible? I have been very lucky in that we have not had the "chance" run in with my Ws AP since June last year. That was one time too many. I sympathize with you. But, you do have to find a way to live with it or your marriage will probably not make it. Remember, the best victory over the OWs is showing them that the two of you are happy. Concentrate on making that happen and then, when you see them, show them that you really are the winner!
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I truly don't care what they think about me or my marriage. It makes me want to strangle my husband though, when I see them... No, I don't see them often. But I shouldnt' have to see THEM AT ALL! My friend just told me "life isn't fair." and "make a choice to move on." NO!!!!!! I realize I'm being a big baby...
SoleMate Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Many people advise moving out of region or out of state in this case, just to avoid the awkward encounters.
krazikat Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Many people advise moving out of region or out of state in this case, just to avoid the awkward encounters. In my case of being a bs, we had already been in the process of relocating when dday happened...and actually he had to stay behind for a few months...we relocated thousands of miles away for my job...and dday happened THE DAY he came to our new home for good. And I knew from the text messages I saw that he had already broke up with her buuuut This did not make dday any easier, or the following days of devastation but it has made r easier to know there is no way he is sneaking and seeing her and since he relinquished his cell phones to me I know he is not sneaking contact...so it may help you to be away from it all. But if you truly want r with your husband, then try to move past it. It is hard...I still wake up and go to sleep thinking about my wh betrayal and I am several weeks into it...there is no easy way to get over it, even if you are thousands of miles away...
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 we are in MC. torturing myself? how can I fix it? I can't. Why not? What is holding you back? Maybe you and your H really need to sit and talk about what goal you each are after and want. He seems to want to stay with you, but you're not sure.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I truly don't care what they think about me or my marriage. It makes me want to strangle my husband though, when I see them... No, I don't see them often. But I shouldnt' have to see THEM AT ALL! My friend just told me "life isn't fair." and "make a choice to move on." NO!!!!!! I realize I'm being a big baby... Life isn't fair. But you two created this mess, so own it.. And stealing this expression my sister says to her kids - Suck it up, butter cup! Each of you cheated, and yes, I'm sure it's not easy for you to see his ex OW around town, but that is not gonna change unless you pick up and move away. So, with the help of counseling, find some way to work through this, and forgive your H. He has forgiven you, yes? Why can't you do the same for him?
nofool4u Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I saw one Saturday shopping for my children's EAster gifts... I did ok and didn't let it ruin my day. Then on Sunday there was an article in the paper about her and how she planned the business thing where they met a year ago. I triggered so badly it just put me over the edge. I'm tired of this. Either they go or I go, I want to tell him. But realistically, I accept it or move. This is so unfair! After two affairs and no confession, I shouldn't have to put up with one more f@cking thing! What would you do? You are asking a forum with more BS's than OW what you would do? Did you accidently post this in the wrong section?
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You are asking a forum with more BS's than OW what you would do? Did you accidently post this in the wrong section? And you are right, this is unfair....to the BS in your situation. They both have cheated. Her first, then her H had two affairs. SHe's having a harder time forgiving him since the exOW are around town and her exOM lives four hours away so there's no chance of her H running into him and having triggers like she is having when she sees or hears (reads) about exOW's.
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 He hasn't forgiven me. He is trying to get to a point where he CAN forgive me and have a healthy happy relationship better than it was before the affairs. This is what I want as well. No, I haven't forgiven him either. Too much bad crap and it's been less than a year. I want to not care about seeing them. Believe me, nobody wants it more than me. But, I have an emotional reaction when I see them and I'm sick and tired of being traumatized. I Saw him on top of her when I caught him.... The thought of "sucking it up" feels like I'm not honoring myself, it's like saying that abuse was ok.
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 welll, I've just decided I will not accept a living arrangement of occasionally seeing a woman I saw my husband on top of. That's my limit and I feel it's perfectly understandable.
Artie Lang Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 it is understandable, but you did no better by having an affair yourself. there was cheating on both sides. your marriage is permanently broken beyond repair. 1
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I understand that ARtie, and my husband has choices he needs to make as well. But they are separate from mine. As far as I can see he has a free pass to get out of this marriage for the rest of his life, from what I did.... So a marriage where both partners have had affairs is not recoverable?
NotCamelot Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I understand that ARtie, and my husband has choices he needs to make as well. But they are separate from mine. As far as I can see he has a free pass to get out of this marriage for the rest of his life, from what I did.... So a marriage where both partners have had affairs is not recoverable? Yes it is. I had an EA 3.5 years ago. My W had a PA almost a year ago. We are doing very, very well....better than I was told we would be. But, you have to decide what you are going to do. You can't make them go away.......just can't. Now, either you have to find a way to live with that and the possibility and reality of seeing them...........or .......??? That is up to you. 1
Artie Lang Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 So a marriage where both partners have had affairs is not recoverable? i didn't necessarily say that. it just sounds like you're pretty much done, that's all. the cheating on BOTH sides has done irreversible damage. might be time to just call it quits. how much more are you willing to put up with is the question.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I do believe when both people want to make things work, and they are willing to do anything and everything to make that happen, reconciliation is possible. If either of your so much as deviates an inch from this, reconciliation will be at a stand still. Can you fix it? I hope so. Probable? No... Possible? Yes. Lets face it. You cheated on your husband. He stayed... but cheated with two women you now have to come into contact with or be reminded of. It sounds like an "Ill show you" situation where he wanted to be caught banging another woman and having you catch him just to make sure you hurt as badly as he did when you had an A with another man. There seems to be a lot of anger and a lot of spiteful behaviour. With that, my answer is, this one will be extremely hard to fix. Not impossible, but you will probably get divorced over these affairs. Im sorry for what youre going through, but at the end of the day, you have to own what you did and you will have to own it forever. It is what it is. You reap what you sow. When you had an A, your husband was not important enough to stay true to, so you cheated. Now, its killing you and you cant do anything about it. Had you not cheated, none of this would have happened. Sad, but true.
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I feel I have acted in a very forgiving way. I confessed but he was caught, both times. Do you know how hard it is to trust after that? Plus he lied and the second woman told me stuff he didn't admit to. He also broke NC in December and I caught that on the cell phone bill. Nothing going on but still, I have been very accepting of his "payback."
nofool4u Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 welll, I've just decided I will not accept a living arrangement of occasionally seeing a woman I saw my husband on top of. That's my limit and I feel it's perfectly understandable. That should be your husband's limit too. Sorry, this isn't all on him. I'm having a hard time understanding why you shouldn't put up with this, but he should. Sounds like a double standard.
anne1707 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 That should be your husband's limit too. Sorry, this isn't all on him. I'm having a hard time understanding why you shouldn't put up with this, but he should. Sounds like a double standard. The exOM lives 4 hours away hence the chances of her husband seeing him are incredibly low. Whereas his two exOW live in the same town. OP - it is possible to recover from when you have both had affairs. But it does not sound as if you (both) are anywhere near ready to start this process. There is too much making out what he did is worse than what you did, too much hidden by him, ..... You both need to really want this to happen if you are going to stand any chance at all.
Author katielee Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 My husband should have this limit too. He will never see the OP, but I would gladly give up my career and move so he wouldn't ever have to see him.
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