Is it me or...

[freestyle]

Okay, got to rant for a sec.

Maybe I can see the lack of remorse for the BS because, after all, the OW/OM are in love. And people do craaaazy things for love, right.

 

Then I read on here that an AP simply gets a chuckle and rocks off by completely disrespecting and bragging how something is done as a secret F/U that the BW/BH doesn't even know about.

 

Why does anyone find joy in doing that?

What happens to these people that causing someone else pain brings a smile to their face?

 

Ugh! These people need the biggest hug. Maybe?

 

 

I remember reading an AP bragging about that a few years ago here.

 

It absolutely sickened me, and my capacity for diplomacy was strained to its limit......

 

The more that I've come to understand that line of thinking---I suspect it's people re-enacting early childhood rivalries/drama---competing with a sibling, or a parent for the other parent's attention. It's more about besting the "rival" than it is about being in love with someone unavailable...

 

Not that it excuses that kind of crappy, un-empathetic, behavior---but it may be a root cause.

 

 

Do they need a hug?

Well, who doesn't....but anyone who's going to take pleasure in someone else's pain needs to work on their own issues more than anything else, as far as I'm concerned.

[ComingInHot]

Freestyle,

Thanks for your post. It was insight I didn't have but it makes sense.

I will try to be more understanding going forward.

I still won't allow it though, to go unanswered or confronted.

Understanding/empathetic? Yes.

Tolerant? Ah No.

CIH*

[freestyle]

Freestyle,

Thanks for your post. It was insight I didn't have but it makes sense.

I will try to be more understanding going forward.

I still won't allow it though, to go unanswered or confronted.

Understanding/empathetic? Yes.

Tolerant? Ah No.

CIH*

 

 

For me---understanding toxic behavior is more for my own benefit---it's absolutely not about condoning,excusing, or coddling.

 

As far as I'm concerned, all adult behavior is a CHOICE.....and if the behaviors cause harm to others, the perpetrators should be held accountable.

 

Looking at the root causes and possible motivations helps me to wrap my brain around those who behave unspeakably--I have the type of mind that needs to try to make sense of everything.

 

For me, it IS very difficult to find compassion for those who seem to lack it, those who's empathy chip seems to be missing. It's something I still struggle with...........

[krazikat]

Okay, got to rant for a sec.

Maybe I can see the lack of remorse for the BS because, after all, the OW/OM are in love. And people do craaaazy things for love, right.

 

Then I read on here that an AP simply gets a chuckle and rocks off by completely disrespecting and bragging how something is done as a secret F/U that the BW/BH doesn't even know about.

 

Why does anyone find joy in doing that?

What happens to these people that causing someone else pain brings a smile to their face?

 

Ugh! These people need the biggest hug. Maybe?

 

Ya I dont understand why they act that way...or some who act like bs is the ow, or whatever. They, well, the ones that know anyways, thwy choose to have a relationship with a mm/mm...let themselves fall in love, tell themselves lies to justify, believe their situation is different, all those things. Then are hurt when the ish hits the fan and they get dropped in most of those cases. I just dont get it. Why even go there?

 

I have never, nor would I ever, knowingly involve myself with a mp. Unless married to me, of course. It seems that there really are self esteem issues, even when denied, the signs are there.

 

So yes, they need a hug, they need ic, they need to know they are worth more than that.

 

I read to ow/om board frequently. And most of what I read involves heartache. Ow/om telling others to get away from the mp before there is more pain. It is craziness. And it is sad. I feel sad for them.

[ComingInHot]

Again, Is it me or are AP's truly so into their own selfish gain that they will twist themselves inside out and into a pretzel to try and convince EVERYBODY else that being in an A does Not make them the OW/OM & a participating homewrecker, and then show pride once the MM/MW is "separated" that they are now in an appropriate relationship?!?!!

 

I read some of these comments and think, "how can you sleep at night"?!

 

I Know not all AP's are like this or act so blatently disrespectful but for those that do then demand justice for their actions and how hey are behaving being called what it is, I just want to scream for them to take the blinders off, look at the damage from the fallout of their A, dry the eyes of the children they and the MM/MW hurt.

 

I am trying to understand it. I feel like Most of the times I get it, but then there is a comment glorifying how "great" all will be having TWO homes, TWO "moms" more icecream and toys...

 

Sorry for the rant. Maybe it is... just me (AND A TON OF OTHERS**)

[Toddbt12y1]

The whole issue comes down to "Do I care?" The best answer one can gather, from reading anything about an A, inwhich both partners glorify, or one glorifies(prideful) in their malign actions, comes from whether or not they care. I imagine that they do not care at all.

 

Heck, some of them probably detach themselves from that emotion that allows them to care whether or not they have hurt anyone else, including children. They could have mental problems, you name it.

 

Unfortunately, the world is not a beautiful place, far, far from it. Some people like to spit on other people, so they do it. Some people like to steal from others, so they do it. Some people think killing others is alright, and they do it. None of them show compassion: So...Why then would someone else show compassion for doing the very thing they wish to do?

 

Fact is: Cheating is what they wanted to do. Nothing else mattered. They saw something, and wanted it - took it. No different than someone back-stabbing someone out of a job, or higher prospects in said job; do they feel sorry? Nope. It is just how this evil world works. Many people glorify in their deeds.

[ComingInHot]

Well I believe anyone Can change! I just Know they can.

 

They just need to See how wrong & horrible & hurtful A's are. If they really truly knew & felt the pain they are inflicting or helping to inflict, then of course they would stop and change, right?

 

I think I'm finally getting it.

 

They do know. Don't they.

 

Cheaters know. They. Just. Don't. care.... even when they have the "lightbulb" moment.

 

I will always give all that I am to help and support and encourage others, even strangers.

 

I guess there will always be Others who will do the opposite.

 

Why try?

 

 

because maybe, if I'm at least a big enough pain I their a**, they will stop cheating/participating just to get me to leave them be** muuuaahahaha!!

I can't help it, I just don't seem to be able to lose my faith in the good inside of people.*

[seren]

CIH, before my H had the affair, I had a very good friend who was the OW for around 15 years or so, I watched while she turned herself into knots waiting for him to leave his wife. I listened to all the excuses he gave her and was amazed that this intelligent, lovely woman bought into everything he said. I lost count of the number of times he promised to meet her, then didn't and she ate up the excuses he gave for not doing so - I purposely use the word excuses and not reasons, because there was never any real reason other than he didn't want to or was doing something with his wife and family. When he used children, his wife's imaginary terminal illness and waiting until retirement ran out, he dumped her without a goodbye. 15 years and not even a reason or excuse for him not wanting to be with her full time. I saw her fall apart and question everything she had believed over 15 years of being with him.

 

When H had his A, I was one of the one's who would be shot before I could believe it would happen to us, we were the couple who loved, laughed, still had date nights, still held hands and sent each other funny love notes, even after our very long time together, I fell apart and questioned everything I had believed over 23 years of us being together.

 

What I mean to say is that I understand how there may be similarities in feeling pain after believing someone with all that you have, so can relate to pain, hurt and loss. BUT, I can never relate to knowingly choosing to do something that can cause such pain, hurt and loss to another. Why people do it and how people tell themselves that it is OK because the get so much out of it, is a mystery to me. I read on here and still shake my head at the fact that anyone can knowingly share the person they love, or if not love, have intimate relationships with. When I love I love with all of me and I expect that in return, if not, then, sorry, you just don't get to have all of me, certainly not in your bed and I would be dammed if I would wait for someone to make their minds up about when they want to be with me. I place way too much value on the gift that is me.

 

I always hope, especially for the long term AP's that they will take a stand and say, come back when you have left and can be with me exclusively. I wish that not only for them, but the BS, especially the BS. Over the years of coming here I have liked many of the AP posters, I have often thought that I would like them IRL and wondered if they would knowingly hurt someone like me and then realise that of course they would, they already are. That for me is the bit that has me confused, that such caring, intelligent people knowingly share themselves and their hearts with someone who is choosing to be with someone else and also that these same people are knowingly engaging in something where a person or persons will be so hurt.

 

I admire the ongoing thread that you have on the OW/OM site, I couldn't do it. I would have very different responses and it would be influenced by my rememberance of how it felt to find out and not where I am today. Kudos for you for being able to disassociate and be so kind. I don't see what you do as being a pain in the arse, rather the opposite.

[Furious]

Seren, I wish I could like your post a thousand times.

[ComingInHot]

Seren,

I wish I could know you.

One day, if I ever get the privilage, I will launch into your arms for a big hug.

My heart literally lurches from my chest coming to the realization that an AP no matter how kind is taking part in the biggest betrayal I can think of.

 

I have been lost & broken & causing harm. No one could convince me that I was doing wrong. I had it all figured out. I made it "okay" in my mind.

 

The one I caused the most pain, the one I crucified, who had every right not to trust me,and to turn away and hate me, gave me what I thought I didn't want then tortured me constantly w/what I thought I didn't need.

 

I received forgiveness that I didn't deserve (or want)

I was given the truth that I couldn't fathom

 

To this day, I swear I'd have been done for but I wasn't abandoned.

 

It isn't easy, the thread going on, but it has helped a few.

When we change, we REALLY change. I'll keep going until I can't. And to make even a little difference or dent in an AP's perspective, I'll have done well.

[jnel921]

It is just disheartening to having seen from my own stitch then reading here the number of young (in my case) women who feel power and entitlement and pride that they are sleeping w/a MM w/little to no remorse for the pain they are causing not just the BW but to all involved.

Then they come across as contemptual and bitter should they face even small consequences and anger from those they participated in hurting.

 

It's almost as if they don't have the capacity to care at all for anyone other than themselves which makes me worry for the future women (and men) who will be left in charge of this world and running it with no conscience after we're gone.

 

Those OW are not remorseful. if they were they wouldn't be so available to our men. Of course they don't care about anyone except themselves. That crazy witch made that obvious in our last conversation. She was willing to be with one of the two men whose lives she was playing with, meanwhile they were both good friends. What kind of woman does that?

 

She is not a part of the Generation Y. Honestly I don't think that being a part of any generation has to do with it. I beleive it's your upbringing. I grew up with two parents who have been together for 46 years. They have been through a lot and have worked at it together. That was my role model. Not everyone's experience is like that.

 

I am sure many women want stability, but why they think this can happen with a MM is beyond me.

 

It's self destructive behavior and all the more reason for IC.

[jnel921]

Seren,

 

I understand your feeling about how our spouses can hurt us while we ourselves take a deeper look before making a choice that can alter our life forever.

 

I have explained to my daughters when it comes to relationships a woman is more emotionally involved. it takes a lot more for us to receive a man sexually. A man on the other hand gets aroused quickly and he can be in and out and before you know it you haven't gotten anything out of it except being a receptacle. I can honestly say my H used this woman for his own sexual gratification.

 

I too have looked at the OW/OM boards and shake my head over the ridiculous rants and may chime in here and there. But asking them to sound off their feelings really doesn't interest me. I would rather read posts about remorseful and reformed OW/OM then read about someone who is steal scheming or is living in a fantasy that will never come true.

 

I understand it goes both ways. WS open the door to that. My H is lucky that I stayed. Normally I wouldn't have. But because I know the OW is out of his life I am ok.

[MissBee]

Since I had not been touched by infidelity (save a guy I dated cheated on me in High School) until my H's A, I admit I may be still a bit naive even now.

 

For one, when I was in my Twenties, the thought of getting it on w/a MM was revolting. To me, the guy was "old" so ewww to start with and the fact he was M, made him a Non consideration regardless of his age.

Second, a MM (or divorcd man) w/kids was also a big turn-off as I was not ready to be a parent let alone Co-parent to someone else's children.

 

So, is it me or have "young" people completely lost or Not been taught Any morals, boundaries and/or self respect or respect for others as I've read here on LS, and my own experience that the OW/OM is "high" on the fact they bagged or are bagging a MM/MW?

 

Has it always been like this and I just didn't see it because my own standards took me out of that scene or is this getting worse nd worse as our society s continually demoralized?

 

I do not think it is a craze where droves of young women and men are having affairs .

 

I think probably most affairs are conducted between people over the age of 30. In the thread in the OW/OM section, the unofficial poll would seem to show that indeed most APs, particularly those who post here, are not in their twenties.

 

I started my A at 18, he was in his twenties, he wasn't married though. I don't think if he was married and if he were much older than that I'd have found it appealing. I definitely would have thought it "eww" . I think young women may play the OW to a young man with a gf but less might play OW to a significantly older married man. I only have one friend who was in an A with a married man, she's also 10 years older than I am. She is in her thirties and he was in his 50s. I have other friends who have probably been with a guy who has a gf but not a married man and not one much older.

 

I don't think it's super super common for young people to be in As with older married people. Some might do it, but I think in a group of 20 somethings, it's unlikely that several of them have done it.