HampdenMom Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 The days since D-day have been busy, figuring out my own future and how to let my husband and the other woman know that I am not as dumb as they think I am. There are countless things I've learned in the past few days. To name a few... Once you've seen a photo of your husband's girlfriend naked, you can never unsee it. Really. My WH should have logged out of his gmail. Massachusetts is an "equitable division" state. Which means that even though my name is not on our house, since it was purchased while we were married, it is a marriage asset and subject to equitable division. Since I have been the primary caregiver for our child, who still resides with us when not at school, chances are that the court will decide that not only do I get to remain in the house, but he still gets to help pay for it. Speaking of equitable division of assets, that 401k is on the table, too - and I will be taking the legal maximum. The way Massachusetts works alimony is pretty fair for wives who spent a couple of decades building a home instead of a career. Under the current law, I will be receiving 30-35% of the difference in our wages. In 2012, that was $62,000. Bottom line is 417/week. And because we were married for over 20 years, that is until he retires. At which point, I an eligible to collect social security based on his income, not mine (which makes sense, since I hardly had any income in the years where I was raising our child, taking care of our home and basically making his life nice and easy). Child support will be in play until our daughter is at least 23, possibly longer considering that she is planning on going to law school. But, 4 years of child support is a good start. And, because equitable means equitable, he will be responsible for his equitable share of our debt. Since, according to our 2012 tax returns, I make 22% of what he does, I will get 22% of our debt, he will get the remaining 78%. Hope the girlfriend is in this for love, because is sure as heck will never be for money. While the adultery will not necessarily affect much of anything in terms of what the law allows, it will certainly help me get the maximum allowed by law. The final good news - because I make so little, my attorney plans to hit him up for her fees as well. So glad to have put all the anger into a productive place, as in, protecting myself. All I had asked from him when all of his lies and deception came to light was to decide what kind of man he wanted to be, and put his family first. Since he decided he wanted to be an adulterer and a liar and his family clearly does not come first, at least now I know that my daughter and I will be okay. 13
ComingInHot Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 And men think we are the less intelligent gender. Ha & LMAO!!! Good for you HampdenMom! Good for you. And you Know that quite a few couples Still decide to R, even at the midnight our in a D. I don't know and you certainly don't have to right now either, but don't think it can't happen just because you filed* All my best, CIH*
Author HampdenMom Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I'm pretty sure that my husband has made up his mind. It's sad that the thought of losing his family would never sway him, but when faced with the financial reality that comes from it, that could be a mitigating factor (and I am not okay with that). Truth is, that without a ton of MC (and IC for him), I can not envision a world where I would ever trust him again. He's been lying to me and about me for years. He does not like hard work or confrontation, so, knowing him, he will cut and run. Staying and trying to fix it would be too much work. Today is also going to be the day he finds out that I've known for weeks. 6
NotCamelot Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Good for you!!! And, coming from a man, go for it, you deserve it ....... and so does he!!!! Cheaters should have to pay....in all kinds of ways. 2
leonine Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Today is also going to be the day he finds out that I've known for weeks. Happy April Fools, sweetheart! 2
waterwoman Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Please keep us posted! I am in a baaaaaad mood and I'd love to see blood <evil laugh> 1
Author HampdenMom Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Talked to a mutual friend today, and told her the whole story. Seems the little tramp was a serial cheater while married and her most recent relationship was with a rather skanky co-worker. Thinking my husband might need to worry more about what she might give him, as opposed to what he'll lose to me. And since I've already been talking to a few friends in town, word it OUT and there is no way he is going to be able to put a positive spin on this and no way he is going to make this look like it's my fault, even though he will try to play the victim. Needless to say, since they've both been outed, neither of them is saying a thing. Guess she's only brave when sexting somebody else's husband. I'll let you know what happens! 4
Author HampdenMom Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Update... He finally surfaced 4 days after I exposed the affair (he was WITH HER when she read my email). He came home to find his bags packed, no apologies, no arguments, no explanations. just stony silence to mark the death of a marriage. What is killing me - other than knowing he'll lie through his teeth to make himself look like a victim and there are people that will believe him - is part of the conversation we had last week. I asked him if he even wanted to be part of a family, he said of course he does. I then asked him if he wanted to be a member of OUR family, and he just stared at me. Really? He skulked off to cheat on me without even saying goodbye to our daughter before she went back to college. And now, even though he wants to be part of a family, he does not want to be part of our family. I am trying to not badmouth him to our daughter, but it's going to be very, very hard to do. She knows he has a girlfriend, knows that he went looking for one. She knows he lied for years about trolling for an affair and his spending. But, I went with the "just because he's a lousy husband does not make him a lousy person", even though he is. How much is too much disclosure for our 19 year old?
Furious Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Your daughter may need counselling to help her deal with her relationship with father. Often the children, no matter what age, also feel betrayed. God it's so hard to be the strong MOM and help the kids with their own pain while reeling in yours. So difficult, I think children are far more perceptive and resent having things sugar coated. At your daughters age I think she can handle the facts without too much detail. I took a step back and encouraged my kids to let their feelings out with a neutral therapist. I wouldn't put words in their mouths but respected the words that came out of their mouths. The grievances and issues with their dad was a separate issue from the impact of his betrayal to me. Your ex will have to answer to his children and if he doesn't that's an answer in itself. Hang in there, I think you're strong, thoughtful, and have a tremendous amount of courage. A wonderful role model for your daughter. 2
Author HampdenMom Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 He's actually always been a very lazy dad, although, to hear him tell it, he will say that I've tried to come between them. I'm hoping he'll step up and finally, finally act like a man. If he can't, at least that is an honest response. Maybe it's time she learns that he is far more concerned with himself than he will ever be concerned about her. 1
krazikat Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Update... He finally surfaced 4 days after I exposed the affair (he was WITH HER when she read my email). He came home to find his bags packed, no apologies, no arguments, no explanations. just stony silence to mark the death of a marriage. What is killing me - other than knowing he'll lie through his teeth to make himself look like a victim and there are people that will believe him - is part of the conversation we had last week. I asked him if he even wanted to be part of a family, he said of course he does. I then asked him if he wanted to be a member of OUR family, and he just stared at me. Really? He skulked off to cheat on me without even saying goodbye to our daughter before she went back to college. And now, even though he wants to be part of a family, he does not want to be part of our family. I am trying to not badmouth him to our daughter, but it's going to be very, very hard to do. She knows he has a girlfriend, knows that he went looking for one. She knows he lied for years about trolling for an affair and his spending. But, I went with the "just because he's a lousy husband does not make him a lousy person", even though he is. How much is too much disclosure for our 19 year old? This is a hard one. I have a 17 yo daughter who over heard a convo he had with tow weeks before dday. She brought it to my attention...wh talked his way out of it....to me and her. Weeks later I had the concrete evidence I needed after answering his affair phone while he was sleeping. She overheard convo then and she was/is furious and she will barely speak to him. I later had a convo with her, as I decided to r with wh and there was my own situation from before we married where at a time my who and I were not together I had a relationship with Om and it broke my now husband. I gave my daughter a basic outline, not slot of detail but basically explained that sometimes people make poor decisions and that he still loves her and will always be there for her. I have not bad mouthed...not to anyone but venting to my sister. Hang in there. Be supportive and loving with your daughter, listen when she wants to talk, and at 19 and as an adult don't worry about painting a picture of happiness. She gets it, and she will not believe sugar coating anyways so honesty is required. Wishing you the best...
where to start Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I learned that being married to someone doesn't mean there are guarantees. I learned that I love him more then I think I did. 1
seren Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 My son was in his early 20's when he came home and heard D Day in all it's shouty glory. His first instinct was to confront his Dad and defend Mum. I asked that he remember that his Dad loved him and that he needed a hug. It has helped their relationship survive and they have a great father son relationship for which I am so glad. Your daughter will pick up on what you say about her father, I used to make an effort to not bad mouth my son's biological father (not H) even though he was a prize arse. But my son made up his own mind about him and has nothing to do with him. Sometimes as parents all we can be is the safety net that catches them when they fall or the arms to hug them when needed. I would try to not badmouth him, even though he might deserve it, you daughter needs to ask her father all that she needs to and he needs to give her the opportunity to do so. It's so dammed hard at times, I hope it all goes well for you all. x
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