Bloodystool Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Hello all, this is my first post and it's going to be... lengthy, yeah, that's the word. So grab some pop corn, here's some drama hehe. I'm a 37 years old male and I live somewhere in Canada. When I was 28, I decided to go back to school, college actually. So in January 2004, I got to class and as soon as I entered the classroom, I saw a beautiful blonde, tall, green eyes, 100 pounds, 5'7", well, just my type. She didn't notice me, at first but anyway. I pretty much did everything in my power, including losing 65 pounds over the course of 5 months, to get to know her but in the end, I finally told her she was beautiful and I wanted to get to know her. She turned me down. Well, 5 years later, she left me. Men being what they are, took her for granted, I had habits that died hard and had quite the anger management problem thingy going on. We barely talked, I yelled all the time, she wouldn't help around the house, well, our relationship, 5 years in, was doomed. July 2009, she moved out. At first, I was kinda happy. We did not talk for 3 months when she called me, out of the blue and we got together for a drink. One thing led to another and we both realized we missed each other BUT (and one hell of a BUT), having finished school as well, she couldn't find a job in the city so she got called and had to move 160 miles away. Just before that, she had told me we should give it another try but after getting the job, the pulled back. Nevertheless, we "tried" until I ****ed up again during summer 2010. We had planned our vacation together but she was offered a trip to Europe and went, without me of course. Since I'd taken only one week vacation for her, I couldn't take my second week right after, so basically, I couldn't get the hell out of here. I kinda felt cheated and told her I was fxxxxing mad and well, one thing led to another and it got nasty and she blew me off. In 2011, she called me back after a while not talking to each other. We met up for a drink a couple of times then she told me she missed me. Meanwhile, I'd seen a shrink to get rid of a few personal issues, like anger management and other stuff. Since 2011, I got REALLY mad maybe 4 or 5 times (which used to be my weekly average). I changed a lot of **** about myself and I am damn proud of it too. Went on vacation on summer 2011 for 10 days and it was perfect. Yet, we didn't see each other for a while after that, until xMas then maybe 3 or 4 times until July 2012 when **** really hit the fan. She finally met someone but still kept calling me, telling me she missed me and **** but finally blew me off, again, to spend the summer with that guy. That time, it really destroyed me. I had been hoping for an ultimate "last chance", foolish me. So then I decided to go NC and I did, for 2 months. I still see her cousin because I am the godfather to her daughter (and my ex the godmother) and well, I had healed up pretty good, I even had a girl in my life and we were having fun. Well, the ex inquired about me and when she learned I had met someone and I was doing great without her, she gave me a call... At first, I thought it was an emergency, having told her I did not want to talk to her for a while since I needed to get over the fact she'd found someone else. Well, stupid me, I picked up the phone and she announced to me that that guy she had been dating was going to leave his wife for her in two weeks. Honestly and quite surprisingly, that didn't bother me at all but I still asked her why, if he knew he was going to leave in 2 weeks, why wouldn't he now? To which she didn't have an answer. I just told her to be wary, that he probably wasn't sure he was going to leave but just wanted her as a backup plan and finally, he didn't leave. Phone rang again, 2 weeks later, ex crying, in pain, how that a-hole hurt her and how happy she thought I was that she was played and hurt. I sincerely love that woman and do not want her to suffer. I just want her to be happy and honestly, even if it's not with me. She came over to my place and spent the week end BUT no sex. 1 month later, that was last November, she called me and asked me to go to her place and I did... I slept in her guest room but at 6am, she crawled into my bed, wearing nothing but a camisole and we had sex. But it felt different. I know it wasn't I was just being a moron but still. It was better than ever before. We spent Xmas together and 4 weeks in a row together. By January 11th 2013, I had to leave and she came to me and told me "You changed a lot, you are a different man and I like what I see. I have doubts about leaving you and I need some time to think about it, don't wait for me but I love you..." So that was it, hope reignited, I went back home and started waiting... And I waited. We saw each other a couple of times meanwhile and she did things and told me things she hadn't told me even back in 2006 when we were young lovers... Then, 4 weeks ago, we woke up, had sex and she let out a long drawn out sigh... "Sorry, I don't think we will get back together... But I love you and I almost picked the other solution but in the end, I don't think I could do it..." I was devastated. I know I built hopes on nothing but it felt so sincere... She told me her feelings had started to grow back for me and that I was all she looked for in a man but that she couldn't get over that happened in the past. I never cheated on her, never touched her but I was a jerk by not giving her the attention she needed, not being there when she needed me and blowing a gasket for the slightest **** happening in my life... Now I am sitting at my desk, typing this, my heart broken, yet another time for a third year in a row, by the same woman who keeps coming back into my life when I finally got rid of her... I guess what I am trying to say is that to all men out there, if you have a kind, gentle, loving and smart lady in your life, treat her like such. Don't dump your dignity in the ****ter for her but give her your love, your tenderness and think before you do something that might hurt her. It cost me her love, it cost me my best friend and worst of all, I lost her all over again. Of course, she did some wrong too. I called her today and told her that I could not even be her friend since I don't think I could manage to have her in my life without having feelings for her. It's not fair for me, not for her and not for our respective future partners. I do believe she really loves me and I do really love her but something got broken along the way and now, even it pains me to acknowledge it, I don't think it can ever be fixed. She has told me countless times that she would never have sex with me again, that she would never fall for me ever again, that she would/could never talk to me again but every year since she left, she has done the exact opposite and every time, once I got my hopes up, she walks out on me and I fall back into despair, all over again. I am probably the most stupid man on this planet. I feel this woman is very special, we've known each other for 10 years and we have the same tastes in cars, music, we're both the intellectual type and we share a lot of interests. Most of the time, one look to one another and without words, we know exactly what the other thinks, wants... We have a bond I have never had, even with my best friend! I lost this person, this relationship, this friend, this woman and despite my efforts, I can not seem to stop falling for her when she's near. She's like a drug to me, even if I know it's going to hurt, I still want her, even if it lasts for a day or an hour... I am the moth and she is my flame... I am the saddest man in the world... I am going to quote Tom Hanks from Cast Away : "And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring." So that is what I am going to do even if it feels hopeless... J. 1
uniqwa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Don't be heartbroken )': Gosh that sounds like you loved her a great deal, I had looked for this post specifically, reminded me of my ex. She loves you no doubt. If you are heartbroken, then talk to her. Don't punish yourself and her as well. If neither of you have moved on then you should give it another try. It wouldn't hurt to try.
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