Is it really over?

[NotHappyMan]

Hi, My ex girlfriend and i have broken up for almost 2 months, i have been using the NC this whole time, i couldn't not do anything else besides NC and force myself to move on, but after 2 months of reflecting myself and the relationship, i still find it hard to forget her and i find myself still in love and also hating her...

 

To me, i have always loved her unconditionally, we had great times together, there are fights sometimes, but i would always apologize for the things i have done wrong....

 

anyways heres the story, we were together for around 2 years or so, one day she wanted to break up with me telling me she needs to focus on herself.. She wanted to do things i probably have held her back probably partying and doing other stuff, to me, i think its stupid sometimes because of my own views i guess, which lead me being really defensive and getting mad at her.. The very next day she wanted to meet up, but we didn't even say anything because there was just alot of crying.... thus the very next day i asked for us too cool off a bit and have a fresh start, however she raged on me and told me everything that has gone wrong in the relationship, but no real reasons? hmmm lol, maybe she got bored of me? since i always saw her everyday and i think that was bad haha... but anyways, i told her that i was willing to do the events with her and gave her some of my views of relationships which pretty much means another try in this relationship... BUT NOPE, she said she was F*king done and she wants someone that knows how important she is? hmm..... i may not have treated her like a queen, but i do have the relationship at heart, and oh yeah i have never abused her or cheated on her.... and i loved her with all my heart, anyways one day after the breakup when we met i asked her this

 

ARE u dating someone else?

her answer: Not really, Why?

LOL!?

 

Well i think that concludes everything huh?

2 weeks later i found out shes dating a new guy.... surprise lol

 

I was shocked for almost a month just laying in bed crying, i went back and just told myself its all my fault because i didn't do this and do that, maybe i got boring and i don't know how to handle a relationship? maybe i took her for granted? maybe i didn't give her my full effort? am i too over protective?? i was so lost, my friends told me to let go, i didn't want to bother her because i don;t even know what to do when i contact her. therefore, here i am 2 1/2 months in still having heartaches everyday.. Shattered in million pieces

 

Any Advice on what to do? can any ladies out there tell me what is this lol? and were pretty young btw

Edited April 1, 2013 by NotHappyMan

[Bloodystool]

It's called a rebound relationship.

 

The good news, it's not going to last.

 

The bad news? Well, don't get your hopes up.

 

Stay NC, eventually, she will get back in touch with you, probably, when she dumps her "rebound". She will probably seek you out for comforting. That's where you will get the upper hand. When you are in "control" stay in "control". It means, don't be needy, be kind, be nice but don't be there for her all the time. When she calls, give her a few minutes but hang up pretexting that you have "something" to do (that something could be a someone too, who knows) but DO NOT PLAY GAMES, meaning, don't try to get her jealous but curious.

 

Getting back an ex can happen, staying together can also happen but the opposite is just as probable.

[GudDude2013]

I understand completely where your @ right now. My circumstances are so similar. We are literally in the same boat so you relax and let me paddle for awhile.

 

I think the first river we should cross is named, "Don't Blame Yourself". You seem to be putting alot of the blame on yourself asking what you did or didn't do to find yourself in this reality. I don't know how gracefully you implemented NC but I want to first reassure you that you did the right thing. That does not need to be seconded guessed despite the heartache. Unfortunately, there is not going to be any escaping going over the watefall of pain, but the good thing about it is it will make you a stronger person and toughen you up emotionally for any future storms. The waves are rough and they don't make you feel any better right now. It is natural to be sick.

 

What you might want to try is harnessing your logic to help you put things in a better perspective. Break ups can have a devastating impact on our self-esteem. Remember the happy, content person you were before you met her? Well you have to go back downstream to capture who you were, what you liked, the things that interested you, and what you liked to do.

 

I know the agony of hope. The hope that she will break contact, the hope of an apology, the hope of closure, etc. And I will not be the person to tell you to give up on hope, but I will say to try and put that sail to the side and concentrate on healing and yourself. You need to let that hope reside in continuing NC.

 

She may very well be enjoying her new lover(s), and her freedom of being single, but you must realize that there is nothing that you can do about this. We can't control which way the wind blows with these women. Believe that she does still think of you, and if she ever really had feelings for you that they are not gone. A distraction rather major, or minor is what she's experiencing right now, but like most distractions they eventually go away.

 

Ask yourself is it just the pain of rejection that is compounding your feelings of loss. Stroke.....stroke.....Think of her flaws, stroke.....stroke. Feel the angry wind. Use that anger. Listen to the breeze of the angry wind as it chants and echoes across the lake, "**** that Bitch!"

 

She will contact you again. She will reach out and try to swim over to where you are, but when she does you will more than likely be on the other side of the water, and then you can look back and decide then if she is even worth getting your feet wet for again. I write these words for myself as well as you, like i've said, we are in the same boat. I give you back the oar so you can keep paddling for us by sticking to NC.

 

And if she never treads water in our direction again, we can dock on new shores, a beautiful new beach to land on, with newer and and better islands to discover awaiting us.

Edited April 1, 2013 by GudDude2013

[OwlSoul]

I was shocked for almost a month just laying in bed crying, i went back and just told myself its all my fault because i didn't do this and do that, maybe i got boring and i don't know how to handle a relationship?

Nothing of this, come on. She uses it as an excuse.

 

Honestly and to my shame, I broke up with one of my exes for another guy. He still felt strong about me after 3 months, so I tried to somehow push him away, feeling the guilt at the same time. Guess what I have said?

 

'You did not really love me. You never did this, this and this'.

 

I was trying to convice him that he is not feeling the love towards me, so it would be easier for both of us. I am really ashamed of this, although I was only 18 at the time.

 

Your ex is probably doing the same towards you.

The only your fault is that you've been loving unconditionally. If this could ever be called a fault really.

[NotHappyMan]

It's called a rebound relationship.

 

The good news, it's not going to last.

 

The bad news? Well, don't get your hopes up.

 

Stay NC, eventually, she will get back in touch with you, probably, when she dumps her "rebound". She will probably seek you out for comforting. That's where you will get the upper hand. When you are in "control" stay in "control". It means, don't be needy, be kind, be nice but don't be there for her all the time. When she calls, give her a few minutes but hang up pretexting that you have "something" to do (that something could be a someone too, who knows) but DO NOT PLAY GAMES, meaning, don't try to get her jealous but curious.

 

Getting back an ex can happen, staying together can also happen but the opposite is just as probable.

 

HMMM... to me, i have a feeling this is not a rebound haha, Not sure if she did pick someone up and already have this new guy lined up... BUT only time will tell!

[NotHappyMan]

I understand completely where your @ right now. My circumstances are so similar. We are literally in the same boat so you relax and let me paddle for awhile.

 

I think the first river we should cross is named, "Don't Blame Yourself". You seem to be putting alot of the blame on yourself asking what you did or didn't do to find yourself in this reality. I don't know how gracefully you implemented NC but I want to first reassure you that you did the right thing. That does not need to be seconded guessed despite the heartache. Unfortunately, there is not going to be any escaping going over the watefall of pain, but the good thing about it is it will make you a stronger person and toughen you up emotionally for any future storms. The waves are rough and they don't make you feel any better right now. It is natural to be sick.

 

What you might want to try is harnessing your logic to help you put things in a better perspective. Break ups can have a devastating impact on our self-esteem. Remember the happy, content person you were before you met her? Well you have to go back downstream to capture who you were, what you liked, the things that interested you, and what you liked to do.

 

I know the agony of hope. The hope that she will break contact, the hope of an apology, the hope of closure, etc. And I will not be the person to tell you to give up on hope, but I will say to try and put that sail to the side and concentrate on healing and yourself. You need to let that hope reside in continuing NC.

 

She may very well be enjoying her new lover(s), and her freedom of being single, but you must realize that there is nothing that you can do about this. We can't control which way the wind blows with these women. Believe that she does still think of you, and if she ever really had feelings for you that they are not gone. A distraction rather major, or minor is what she's experiencing right now, but like most distractions they eventually go away.

 

Ask yourself is it just the pain of rejection that is compounding your feelings of loss. Stroke.....stroke.....Think of her flaws, stroke.....stroke. Feel the angry wind. Use that anger. Listen to the breeze of the angry wind as it chants and echoes across the lake, "**** that Bitch!"

 

She will contact you again. She will reach out and try to swim over to where you are, but when she does you will more than likely be on the other side of the water, and then you can look back and decide then if she is even worth getting your feet wet for again. I write these words for myself as well as you, like i've said, we are in the same boat. I give you back the oar so you can keep paddling for us by sticking to NC.

 

And if she never treads water in our direction again, we can dock on new shores, a beautiful new beach to land on, with newer and and better islands to discover awaiting us.

 

Thanks for the Great reply!! , I recognize my own errors! and i will learn from them, but hey she better recognize what she did was some immature ***** to do.. no disrespect to her and i love her still, but i was treated like crap in the end. THE BITTERNESS, guilt, anger, sadness... u name it i got it! anyways, thanks for the support, i enjoyed your post!

[NotHappyMan]

Nothing of this, come on. She uses it as an excuse.

 

Honestly and to my shame, I broke up with one of my exes for another guy. He still felt strong about me after 3 months, so I tried to somehow push him away, feeling the guilt at the same time. Guess what I have said?

 

'You did not really love me. You never did this, this and this'.

 

I was trying to convice him that he is not feeling the love towards me, so it would be easier for both of us. I am really ashamed of this, although I was only 18 at the time.

 

Your ex is probably doing the same towards you.

The only your fault is that you've been loving unconditionally. If this could ever be called a fault really.

 

WOW owlsoul I hope your ex BF did not find out about what you did lol, because i know how he exactly feels if he did find out and IT FEELS LIKE ***** no joke haha, but i want to ask...

 

Did you ever contact him again? Did you miss him? Did you realize it was a mistake leaving him? DID you feel guilty? LOL sorry for the questions but i love her too much i guess...

Edited April 1, 2013 by NotHappyMan

[OwlSoul]

WOW owlsoul I hope your ex BF did not find out about what you did

I wanted to be honest and told him straightaway when I made the decision. And I'm always honest in my relationships.

 

 

lol, because i know how he exactly feels if he did find out and IT FEELS LIKE ***** no joke haha

I've been left for another girl. So welp, karma But I do not felt bad about it though.

 

Did you ever contact him again? Did you miss him? Did you realize it was a mistake leaving him? DID you feel guilty? LOL sorry for the questions but i love her too much i guess...

1. He was iniciating most of the contacts. But I've always been asking how he is doing through friends, since I still cared about him greatly.

But honestly, every time he would contact me I'd see his pain, felt even more guilty or irritated and was trying to stop the contact.

 

2. I did miss him. And no, I am not into 'Oh, I do not love you' and after a month 'I love you so much!' thing. Even if sometimes I felt I want to be back, I knew it will be totally wrong, since it will cause him much more pain.

 

3. I've always been feeling guilty, even after 2 years. When I found out that he is dating someone else, I felt a great relief and started talking him to as a friend. However, there were problems between them occuring and he started feeling strong about me again. So I cut the contacts again.

[NotHappyMan]

I wanted to be honest and told him straightaway when I made the decision. And I'm always honest in my relationships.

 

 

I've been left for another girl. So welp, karma But I do not felt bad about it though.

 

 

1. He was iniciating most of the contacts. But I've always been asking how he is doing through friends, since I still cared about him greatly.

But honestly, every time he would contact me I'd see his pain, felt even more guilty or irritated and was trying to stop the contact.

 

2. I did miss him. And no, I am not into 'Oh, I do not love you' and after a month 'I love you so much!' thing. Even if sometimes I felt I want to be back, I knew it will be totally wrong, since it will cause him much more pain.

 

3. I've always been feeling guilty, even after 2 years. When I found out that he is dating someone else, I felt a great relief and started talking him to as a friend. However, there were problems between them occuring and he started feeling strong about me again. So I cut the contacts again.

 

OwlSoul, its great that you can be honest about your relationship, however she didn't, told me wanted time to herself, she doesn't know where to go in life, blah blah, all those stuff she wanted to do, i could've done it with her, although i got mad at first, she knew how much i loved her and i would've done anything just to maintain the relationship.

 

Even after almost 3 months of NC i am still madly in love with her after what she had done, however the feeling of betrayal its just unimaginable, i don't even know why i still love her.

 

Would you go back to him if he would let go everything u have done? oh btw lol sorry if i am asking too much.. but how do you ladies change feelings so fast lol??

[OwlSoul]

Would you go back to him if he would let go everything u have done? oh btw lol sorry if i am asking too much.. but how do you ladies change feelings so fast lol??

You guys are the same! Kidding. It is not about only ladies or only lads. Both genders experience the same feeling when they dump someone or are getting dumped by someone.

 

He admitted few weeks ago that he did try to get back together in Feb 2011 when I was still single after 3 month relationship with other guy. But at the time I did not feel to do it. The reasons:

 

1. When he was saying how he was feeling about me he did not say he wants us to be back. In fact, at the time of BU he said he will never accept me back. So I was ignoring all the signals he was sending;

 

2. I have a pinciple, if the person after the BU started dating someone, it's the biggest red flag for me. It doesn't matter what is the feeling harboured for the person, it just crosses everything for the future reconcilation. It's the biggest show that the person does not care anymore for me, do not consider as an equal and etc. Hope it makes any sence.

So yeah, consequently, returning back to someone whom I betrayed that much would put the person 2 steps down from me. You cannot date someone who is not equal to you.

 

3. I think, the reconcilation also depends on how long did it take for the dumper to change the feelings. If it happened all of sudden, like within 2 weeks or a month, it's actually good. At least the guys who dumped me were starting feeling weird only the last weeks of the relationship. I did not ignore the signs, and made them tell what is up. They would came out with stupid excuses, get the relief, and then crawl back to me in tears after 3-4 weeks. It's not a good thing though, just shows that I have some [bIG] issues.

 

My feeling were dying for the dumped guy really slowly. It was a 1 year process I guess, when he started feeling himself not good enough for me because he was withdrawn from the univarsity. I did not really care about it, but he did. So, he started showing a lot of insecurities, starting from not being able to communicate with and freaking out when I would get silent, till saying that he loves me all the time, that he feels like I am discusted by him and etc. So yeah, at the time I rather seen him as a friend, than my love.

[NotHappyMan]

Thanks OwlSoul for the responses

 

In my situation, i think she knows i want to be with her.... I Want to tell her i have changed! i Want to let her know i have changed because I F up in some areas, However she probably would not change her mind. Im stuck in the situation where i want to reconcile and letting go. DEEP down i want the mistake letter DAMN this sucks..

 

ANY one have advice what else i can do?

[DavidSoBased]

Just my two cents. She broke up with you. It may have been sudden for you but it wasn't for her. She gave this thought. Now, she's with this new guy, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket. He may or may not be a rebound. She may have developed feelings for him during your relationship and left you for him but didn't want to say so as to not feel like even more of a bad guy. I'm in the same situation. My girlfriend broke up with me, then within the same week, had a picture up with this new guy who also had the same profile picture. Now a month later, they're dating. Use this time to correct yourself and become a person even more attractive than the man she fell for in the first place. That's the only way to get her back, that being if she won't be content with the relationship she's in now.

[uniqwa]

Alright sOo I am going to say You love her, obviously she loved you at one point, I went through something similar with my ex.. She said she felt that you didn't treat her right, that was a major key issue in your relationship with her. Tell her you love her and you are willing to change for her.

She will take you back if she loves you because she will believe that you want to change, that being said, she should change as well, she should not be over demanding and looking at all your faults..

She should accept you are not perfection. You are a human being... but change for you because the pain you are feeling now, won't go away over night and you obviously do not want to go through that pain again.

[NotHappyMan]

hmm, i've been getting over my emotions and all that coaster **** and i'm okay now, i've been improving and learned from my mistakes, and recently i stayed in LC, i've contacted her and poured my heart out one more time and im okay with whatever response she brings out, i asked for a chance also but she denied it and tell me to move on, i replied once more saying that i will not make the same mistakes again and i'm willing to change my behavior once and for all, and told her that can we try once again from the bottom of her heart, whatever happens happens.... so thats that