Why would a man marry...

[Nyla]

Why would a man marry a damaged woman with a lot of issues?

 

I have been through a lot of painful things in my life and it has led to me having several defense mechanisms, along with serious emotional damage. I will likely be in therapy for a very long time and I am riddled with distrust of men. In spite of all that, I am doing well. I am a student and I work part-time. I also have a marriage that is unusually solid for such a short period of being husband and wife.

 

I just don't understand why my husband chose me when he could have married someone who isn't so messed up. He says that I have so much strength and other excellent attributes, which make up for the issues that I struggle with. My husband also understands that nobody is perfect. He gives me a lot more credit than I give myself. My nightmare is receiving pity from others or men trying to rescue me. I hope my husband didn't marry me so that he could "save" me. If I wasn't damaged goods, I would NEVER choose a man who had been abused most of his life and needed long term therapy as a result.

 

I was with two men in the past who enjoyed throwing my issues in my face. The fact that I was fragile and naive back then seemed to delight these fools. They enjoyed doubting my abilities and constantly reminding me of my shortcomings. I see now that those guys just needed to feel powerful. What better way to do that then picking a much younger and emotionally unstable partner? I have come such a long way since then and I don't need any more rescuing from men. I do think that most men like to be the knight in shining armor but I don't know why.

 

So what is the appeal of a woman with so many psychological problems?

[CarrieT]

So what is the appeal of a woman with so many psychological problems?

 

1. Some men are just as damaged.

2. Some men are slightly damaged and having a wife that is more damaged makes them feel less damaged.

3. Some men like projects and want to fix damaged women.

4. Sometimes men are so blind they don't see the damage.

5. Some men see the damage and truly don't care.

6. Some men see the damage but don't think it is nearly as bad as the woman does.

[xxoo]

Probably he loves you for who you are at heart, despite your "issues".

 

I had some psychological issues when my H and I fell in love, and the following few years. I was an adolescent at the time, and I left most of those issues behind along with adolescence. Still, he fell in love with me despite those issues--not because of them.

 

But my core person is/was tender, and open, and raw...and that partly explains why I struggled. I have no walls; I wear my heart on my sleeve. I had to learn boundaries and coping. The very reasons he loves me so much are the same reasons I was so vulnerable to psychological issues in young adulthood.

[Object_a]

You're worrying too much. Your husband sounds like a caring and generous person who just has a lot of compassion. It sounds like you just have low self-esteem and can't imagine what he sees in you. There must be something but you just can't see because you are being your own worst critic. He sounds like a really great guy so I would say just take what he says about you at face value even if you can't see it yourself, and enjoy your time with him!

[Woggle]

Because deep down you seem like a good person and though you have trust issues you don't come across as a man hater. Sounds like me sort of though I don't want my life to defined by being damaged anymore. Enough of that crap for me.

[Nyla]

My therapist does say that I am too hard on myself. You are right that I have low self-esteem as well.

 

In spite of all my problems, I do have some positive qualities.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP - great question. My personal experience, by way of an answer:

 

My early family life featured shouty parents, zero positive reinforcement, and an anxious much younger sister to try to defend. In consequence, I had radar for certain female emotional states of anxious unhappiness, to which when encountered my reaction was then to distract, soothe, amuse, take care of, and avoid conflict.

 

In other words I was screwed up, and found screwed up people attractive. I think I also felt at some level that they'd be somehow less likely to hurt me, as I equated hurt with open conflict.

 

So I found a train of girlfriends with alcohol issues, bulimia, self-esteem issues, still-in-love-with-past-boyfriend issues, and basically became a magnet for screwed up women. I even passed over a couple of really nice women because they weren't unhappy *enough* to make me happy trying to make them happy, if you follow me. That's screwed up.

 

It was I now see a doomed strategy! Except it wasn't a strategy at all, I was just reacting to and propelled by emotional forces that were hidden to me.

 

I ended up marrying a woman who continued to spent sixteen years in therapy. She worked out her issues of trust, anger and self-doubt in our marriage in unpleasant ways. At least until I, how can I put it, woke up and drew some firm boundaries. It all seems clear now.

 

To sum up, I think people's personality types get formed young and predispose them to recapitulate certain types of situation repeatedly in life. Like someone worrying away at a filling with their tongue. It's not been a concious thing. When you finally become aware, the light clicks on, aha, you have it, and may still have those tendencies but because you now acknowledge them, can react to them more appropriately.

Edited April 1, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Silly_Girl]

I've had similar conversations with my counsellor. I totally get where you're coming from.

 

However...

 

You guys fit together perfectly, yes? And are a great team? He sees ALL of you, not just the bits you (negatively) focus on. And the all of you he sees makes him happy.

[Radu]

You see the problems, not him.

Or he sees them, but he sees more than those problems, he sees the potential.

 

I also had [still have] anxiety issues. I was surprised last week when they flared again, so i can see the process unfolding, going from fine to doubting myself something horrible.

I was and still am my worst critic, and i often sabotaged others complimenting me because i felt it was undeserved.

 

Other saw the potential in me.

Some i let down [and got depressed over it], some others i am trying not to let down very hard [here is the whole anxiety thing].

 

Judging by your posting, what you put out on this forum and your relationship with your husband [loved the PM you sent me btw, sorry for not replying to it], you are not someone who makes her image look pretty.

There are plenty of ppl on this forum who do this, who make sure they are viewed just right, who are dependent on how they are viewed.

You are not like this, you actually put down your problems and that to me means that you are actively trying to figure them out and beat them.

 

Ppl who are even willing to look at themselves and see the imperfections and work on them are so freaking rare that you just want to nab them the moment you see a good one.

It sure beats the perfect girl/guy who have had no issues and who might not know how to deal with some of these things.

Edited April 1, 2013 by Radu

[Seductive]

Why would a man marry a damaged woman with a lot of issues?

 

I have been through a lot of painful things in my life and it has led to me having several defense mechanisms, along with serious emotional damage. I will likely be in therapy for a very long time and I am riddled with distrust of men. In spite of all that, I am doing well. I am a student and I work part-time. I also have a marriage that is unusually solid for such a short period of being husband and wife.

 

I just don't understand why my husband chose me when he could have married someone who isn't so messed up. He says that I have so much strength and other excellent attributes, which make up for the issues that I struggle with. My husband also understands that nobody is perfect. He gives me a lot more credit than I give myself. My nightmare is receiving pity from others or men trying to rescue me. I hope my husband didn't marry me so that he could "save" me. If I wasn't damaged goods, I would NEVER choose a man who had been abused most of his life and needed long term therapy as a result.

 

I was with two men in the past who enjoyed throwing my issues in my face. The fact that I was fragile and naive back then seemed to delight these fools. They enjoyed doubting my abilities and constantly reminding me of my shortcomings. I see now that those guys just needed to feel powerful. What better way to do that then picking a much younger and emotionally unstable partner? I have come such a long way since then and I don't need any more rescuing from men. I do think that most men like to be the knight in shining armor but I don't know why.

 

So what is the appeal of a woman with so many psychological problems?

 

 

Hugs, Nyla. Like your husband says, it's admirable to know that a good person can come out of all of the struggles you went through. A good man (or woman) also likes to help, so why not let them help?

 

I think some of us abuse survivors feel skeptical of someone being genuinely nice and kind. There are plenty of people that won't throw our faults in our face, but we choose partners that are just not right for us.

[Nyla]

You see the problems, not him.

Or he sees them, but he sees more than those problems, he sees the potential.

 

I also had [still have] anxiety issues. I was surprised last week when they flared again, so i can see the process unfolding, going from fine to doubting myself something horrible.

I was and still am my worst critic, and i often sabotaged others complimenting me because i felt it was undeserved.

 

Other saw the potential in me.

Some i let down [and got depressed over it], some others i am trying not to let down very hard [here is the whole anxiety thing].

 

Judging by your posting, what you put out on this forum and your relationship with your husband [loved the PM you sent me btw, sorry for not replying to it], you are not someone who makes her image look pretty.

There are plenty of ppl on this forum who do this, who make sure they are viewed just right, who are dependent on how they are viewed.

You are not like this, you actually put down your problems and that to me means that you are actively trying to figure them out and beat them.

 

Ppl who are even willing to look at themselves and see the imperfections and work on them are so freaking rare that you just want to nab them the moment you see a good one.

It sure beats the perfect girl/guy who have had no issues and who might not know how to deal with some of these things.

 

When you didn't respond to my PM, I cried and cried. I said "Lord! Why doesn't Radu love meeeeeeeee?" :laugh: Just taking the piss. I mess around with members whom I like.

 

I think it is sad that people are mostly blind to their own faults. I constantly work on myself so that I can be the best woman I can, for my own self esteem and for my marriage. Currently I am working on being less uptight and angry when things don't go perfectly. My husband is trying to get me to be more relaxed about life. He will tickle me or make jokes and then tell me how he loves my smile. My hubby thinks I need to smile more often.

 

My husband has issues of his own as well, but not nearly as pervasive and severe as mine. He feels that I have helped him with many of his issues, just by being loving and patient with him.

[Radu]

This is something that i haven't posted so far but ...

 

I don't read that much as it seams on this psychology thing, i only go for simple stuff and try to figure out how my view of things is changed or can be changed ... i challenge my view of things in a controlled fashion, and if succesfull, i build on further on that.

I believe that anxiety and everything that has appeared from it can be a boon or it can be a curse.

It's up to us to decide how we deal with it.

 

What i mean by it is that bad things happening is the catalyst of change.

I don't believe there can be change from steady good things happening, it's just not in our human nature to think or act this way.

But when something bad happens to us, we either rise to the challenge and become better ppl or we fail.

I believe that many of the ppl who come on LS are ppl who's reality, who's vision of how things are, is being challenged.

And so, they avoid buying into the bulls*it, they decide to figure out if the reality is true or not.

So they come here, they post and sometimes they go off on what is the most powerfull opinion or on the posts that change their ways of viewing things.

In coming here, they have already taken the first few necessary steps in challenging the status quo and making up their own damn mind.

And that is what makes a winner.

 

I have written beforehand about my own personal problems and where they came from.

I got sympathy, and that's a good thing because for the first time in my life i could open up on them, and some of the posters who offered encouragement will have my eternal gratitude.

I started explaining more and more things based on what i viewed into my past, i started even remembering things that were otherwise forgotten.

The hidden burden, became seen, the cloak was removed and i now know it.

Life is a cutthroat place, the seller doesn't care about my personal problems, he just wants to convince me to buy in. That girl at school who's a bitch doesn't want to empathise with me, she just wants to backstab me to the teachers that i have become known to.

What i'm getting to is that ppl in life do not give allowance to my problems, they have their own and their selfishness is a good thing.

It's a good thing because i cannot remain a victim. A victim does not fight back, a victim just sits and takes it ... and is eventually tossed aside.

I don't want to be a victim anymore, i want to be that winner.

It's time to straighten my back, and chuck the burden down. There will still be traces of the burden, the imprint will forever be on my back but it does not matter ... a mark of shame will be a mark of pride.

 

To become what i want to become, i have to believe that i am it.

If i want to be a loser, i have to believe i am a loser.

If i want to be a winner, i have to believe i am a winner.

It sounds simple but it isn't.

You have to go first.

That means that before meeting a pleasant person, you have to be a pleasant person; before meeting a winner, you have to believe you are a winner; before convincing someone of something, you have to believe into that very same thing with all your might.

This is the very dating conundrum that many who come to LS find themselves in ... 'why oh why do i always go for crazy women, all women must be crazy', 'all men are fuc*in pigs', 'all women are golddiggers', 'i'll never get a job'.

And these ppl are right !

They are right because they believe this, and they subcomunicate these messages to others ... and the others who are like them come in and validate their beliefs.

To change your outcomes you have to first change yourself before you go into these outcomes.

Winners can feel, smell, taste and savour victory before it happens.

They only see the win, not the losses ... losses don't matter.

 

Also, people like people who like themselves.

Let me break it down for you ... people like those people that accept themselves.

People like the people who are happy with who they are.

Because these people don't make frowny faces, they make happy faces.

They think of pleasant things, of pleasant memories, of what life will bring into their lives soon.

Life for these ppl is an enjoyable experience.

And people want some of that.

So they make excuses, rationalizations for why they should be around them more.

And these people are also winners.

 

I don't want to be a loser anymore ... i'm done with that, i'm sick of that.

And this is why i believe that our problems, are a boon, they are not a curse.

Once we conquer them, once they are set aside and we can look into the past and see this huge mountain that we climbed, defeated, we can think 'i can do anything i want'.

And when we eventually do this, people will want to be with us even more so, because we have done something that they cannot comprehend or even admit to being real.

[BetheButterfly]

Why would a man marry a damaged woman with a lot of issues?

 

One reason is that he loves her and does not define her by the pain of her past.

 

I don't know about in the case of your husband, since I don't know him or his heart, but there are many men whose love doesn't depend on how "perfect" someone is, but rather on Who that person is. My husband for example loves me for who I am; I'm not perfect, but he loves me anyways. He's also not perfect, but I love him anyways, for Who he is.

 

I have been through a lot of painful things in my life and it has led to me having several defense mechanisms, along with serious emotional damage. I will likely be in therapy for a very long time and I am riddled with distrust of men. In spite of all that, I am doing well. I am a student and I work part-time. I also have a marriage that is unusually solid for such a short period of being husband and wife.

 

I just don't understand why my husband chose me when he could have married someone who isn't so messed up. He says that I have so much strength and other excellent attributes, which make up for the issues that I struggle with. My husband also understands that nobody is perfect. He gives me a lot more credit than I give myself. My nightmare is receiving pity from others or men trying to rescue me. I hope my husband didn't marry me so that he could "save" me. If I wasn't damaged goods, I would NEVER choose a man who had been abused most of his life and needed long term therapy as a result.

 

I was with two men in the past who enjoyed throwing my issues in my face. The fact that I was fragile and naive back then seemed to delight these fools. They enjoyed doubting my abilities and constantly reminding me of my shortcomings. I see now that those guys just needed to feel powerful. What better way to do that then picking a much younger and emotionally unstable partner? I have come such a long way since then and I don't need any more rescuing from men. I do think that most men like to be the knight in shining armor but I don't know why.

 

So what is the appeal of a woman with so many psychological problems?

While I don't know your husband, I do think the appeal of loving you is because he admires you for who you are, and recognizes that you are more than "psychological problems."

 

As for what the appeal is for other men with other women with "so many psychological problems', I don't know but I think everyone who has been abused and who hasn't been abused deserves Love, unless they do something to hurt other being, like rape or abuse someone else.

[Nyla]

I understand why it is healthy to not let my damage define me, however I cannot run from my past and its effects. The trauma will stay with me until I am dead.

 

Of course, there must have been some redeeming qualities that my husband noticed or he would not have married me. Being abused has taught me compassion. I am a very kind and loving woman with a warm personality. I taught my husband how to be affectionate and I also brought him out of his shell. I bring passion and light to my husband's life.

 

My husband also respects the amount of work I do on my issues. He feels that I am a very strong and courageous woman.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Nyla

[giotto]

Knowing what I know now about my wife, I can only say that I wouldn't. In fact, I think I have my own issues now! The problem is, my wife's issues only became apparent well into our marriage. If I had known at the beginning, I doubt I would have married her. But I don't know for sure.

[SoleMate]

From what I've seen, just about everybody has issues. Some acknowledge and address them; others deny they exist. It's better to be honest and that's what you have done. I do think you're way too hard on yourself because you seem to think that there are people out there who don't have issues. Maybe there are but I've never met them.

[giotto]

Some acknowledge and address them; others deny they exist.

 

Some acknowledge them and do nothing about them... the worst!

[Mint Sauce]

as you say, many men aspire to be a knight in shining armour. As part of that clan, I believe it's related to the cliche that 2 types of men can get women:

 

- the seducer, with the latin dance moves and rapid tongue (metaphorically, and I guess also literally)

- the saviour

 

This is how it goes in fairy tales, or in movies with Hugh Grant et al.

 

Feeling insecure about their dance moves, for some men the saviour route seems the easier one, better exploitable with the brain, rather than having to rely on possibly non-existent primal bodily seduction skills.

[Nyla]

Some acknowledge them and do nothing about them... the worst!

 

Thankfully, I am not one of those people. I don't think my husband would have been interested in me if I didn't want to work out my issues or if I was taking them out on him.

[giotto]

Thankfully, I am not one of those people. I don't think my husband would have been interested in me if I didn't want to work out my issues or if I was taking them out on him.

 

I'm glad to hear that. My wife is well aware of her issues, but she refuses to deal with them. Now, I'm stuck!

[Nyla]

You are not stuck. You choose to tolerate the lack of accountability from your wife.

It is unacceptable for a spouse to be aware of their issues yet refuse to work on them.

 

For example, if I raising my voice at my husband, he calmly and lovingly reminds me not to yell. If I continue to shout, he will ask me to talk to him again when I can be calm and respectful. My husband is giving me the choice to approach him in a more diplomatic way, as well as choosing not to put up with being screamed at.

 

I will not allow my issues to destroy the most beautiful and healthy relationship I have ever been.

I want to be better not only for myself, but also for my husband.

 

Don't let your wife hold you hostage with her unfinished business.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Nyla

[giotto]

yes, you are right, I'm not stuck. I chose to stay because of the children...

[Nyla]

Your children likely know that their parents are unhappy. You aren't doing them any

favors by modeling an unhealthy marriage.

[WhoreyBull]

Wow, you really like to talk yourself down don't you.

A man wants to marry you not your issues. He wishes your issues will go away and they drive him crazy.

But he loves YOU.

[Nyla]

We are already married.

 

My issues do not drive my husband crazy because I work on them and I don't constantly talk about them with him.