win the Lottery and Ride Into Sunset with AP?

[Act Two]

Let me clarify: I am far from rich. But I live within my means. That may also play a role.

 

 

As do I.

And if we want to keep talking about the negative impact divorce has on children, then we should also take into account the negative impact affairs have on children...or do we wish to avoid that? We could go further and explore the negative impact on children when their parents are miserable, even fighting all the time or just cold awkward silence? Every single.thing in the home has an impact on children , good and bad things.

 

The original point of this thread was how WS pretty much use finances as an excuse not to leave when in reality if they really wanted to, they would.

 

I am pointing out in many cases finances may be part of a reason to not divorce.

 

If we want to take the thread off topic and discuss all of the negative impacts of infidelity on children we can, but I thought that was off topic.

 

Also, in most cases it would not be splitting it all to cover two households exactly...now, if the one leaving plans on buying the same house and having all the same expenses, then yes, there is the bigger financial impact. But is is not all 50/50. Maybe there will be alimony and child support and property and debt split, but your idea of 2 households with same expenses is flawed. Again, in some cases, yes. But not the majority. If someone wants to leave a marriage, is absolutely miserable, wants a relationship...a real one, with the ap...they will leave. There are examples of this everywhere...look at how high divorce rates are!

 

I'm not sure why you see the idea as flawed. It's simple math. If one person leaves the home and gets even a cheap apartment (not the same type of house), that person would now pay the rent, on top of utility bills, plus phone bills, food etc. (plus furniture) which are are all expenses that were previously paid for out of the same pool that went for one house, one utility bill, one phone bill, etc.

[Act Two]

Right. Rolls off the tongue easily!

[krazikat]

As do I.

 

 

The original point of this thread was how WS pretty much use finances as an excuse not to leave when in reality if they really wanted to, they would.

 

I am pointing out in many cases finances may be part of a reason to not divorce.

 

If we want to take the thread off topic and discuss all of the negative impacts of infidelity on children we can, but I thought that was off topic.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why you see the idea as flawed. It's simple math. If one person leaves the home and gets even a cheap apartment (not the same type of house), that person would now pay the rent, on top of utility bills, plus phone bills, food etc. (plus furniture) which are are all expenses that were previously paid for out of the same pool that went for one house, one utility bill, one phone bill, etc.

 

The great thing about ls is different people with different perspectives...which makes for a very interesting debate. We can agree to disagree...its all good!

 

But my point in bringing up the other factors is simply to point out that money is not the reason to stay in a miserable marriage!

 

So, yes, in some cases, a spouse may leave...ride off into the sunset with their half of the lottery winnings, and never look back..as I have said, nothing pertains to everyone. However, most miserable marriages dont last. Money cant by happiness. Many people come to realize that, if they are TRULY miserable, and they leave.

 

Divorce statistics prove that.

 

But, money is not the sole factor in most cases ime.

[thefooloftheyear]

Unfortunately, we live in a society where money is such a big factor..

 

Here is another angle.

 

How about guilt. In the cases of infidelity the WS(unless he/she is heartless), is already carrying a mountain of guilt for their actions. So, if they decide to run off with the new love and leave their wife and kids behind, then they add to their guilt exponentially knowing that there will be sacrifices made after the divorce that would not normally have had to be made. No more vacations for the kids, big cutbacks everywhere, etc.

 

I dont buy the opinion that people who leave marriages, for whatever the reason, arent going to suffer financial hardship. They do..Its a fact.

 

So back to the topic of guilt. Lets just say that we take the lottery example and put it into play. Now, in the blink of an eye all financial problems vanish. While there is still likely to be some guilt on the part of the WS, the reality is that knowing you are leaving and not having to worry about the financial mess that is left behind *might* take some of the sting out of it.

 

Just a thought...

 

TFOY

[waterwoman]

Of course it will make it easier. Money always makes things easier. But I would suggest that when money isn't an issue, or suddenly stops being an issue (due to lottery win for example), and the WS doesn't choose to leave, then the AP has at least one more reason to doubt they ever will. Another excuse gone for a burton.

[cocorico]

Unfortunately, we live in a society where money is such a big factor..

 

Here is another angle.

 

How about guilt. In the cases of infidelity the WS(unless he/she is heartless), is already carrying a mountain of guilt for their actions. So, if they decide to run off with the new love and leave their wife and kids behind, then they add to their guilt exponentially knowing that there will be sacrifices made after the divorce that would not normally have had to be made. No more vacations for the kids, big cutbacks everywhere, etc.

 

I dont buy the opinion that people who leave marriages, for whatever the reason, arent going to suffer financial hardship. They do..Its a fact.

 

So back to the topic of guilt. Lets just say that we take the lottery example and put it into play. Now, in the blink of an eye all financial problems vanish. While there is still likely to be some guilt on the part of the WS, the reality is that knowing you are leaving and not having to worry about the financial mess that is left behind *might* take some of the sting out of it.

 

Just a thought...

 

TFOY

 

Situations are all different, and people assume too easily that because they, in their situation, would not do something (like stay in an unhappy M for financial reasons), no one else would.

 

My father stayed "for the kids", which is another of those "excuses" almost nobody believes. Yet the instant the last kid was out the door, they split, he M his OW, and they've been together happily ever since making it clear he was only there "for the kids". I can see the exact same dynamic occurring where money, rather than kids, was an issue - once the issue disappears, so does the M.

 

My H was lucky in that he could afford to walk away from the M knowing he would be better off without the xW, who was spendthrift and a huge financial drain on his resources. But in situations of community of property Ms, it would not be so simple, and in some countries she may even have had grounds to claim rehabilitative maintenance or alimony, remaining a financial millstone around his neck. I can see that "cheaper to keep her" may well inhibit some from leaving unhappy Ms for the one they love although it clearly will not apply in every case.

[Spark1111]

Interesting thread....

 

Had my children been younger wehn dday hit, perhaps that would have changed my views....I will concede that uprooting them from the life we had built for them would have been very hard for me as a parent.

 

But as a BS, and someone who has known both feast and famine in lifestyle, I would have afforded a hovel than live inauthentically while.....what?

 

He continued his affair? OH GAWD NO!

 

So I found it interesting that he thought he could buy his way out of our life and sail into the sunset with her based on the texts between them and some odd things he said after dday.

 

Things like...."when I reach my financial goals, I want to take care of you and your child forever...." and to me, "everyone has their price...."

 

Really?

 

So I think in retrospect money became a HUGE topic between them as to why he could not leave me, and she projected her issues onto him, and it became crazy-making for both of them.

 

So my reaction must have really, really shocked them both because money is the last thing I have ever been about, and our kids were on their way out of the door anyhow.

 

I think HE THOUGHT if he made enough money he could buy his way out of the marriage, but still be the good guy with the kids as he could afford to appease every materialistic whim they had.

 

Money = LESS GUILT for some. How sad?

[thefooloftheyear]

Money = LESS GUILT for some. How sad?

 

 

Understand that by "less guilt" meaning from being able to provide a lifestyle that isnt compromised. The guilt will remain with the WS forever. That will never change.

 

TFOY

[Silly_Girl]

 

I think HE THOUGHT if he made enough money he could buy his way out of the marriage, but still be the good guy with the kids as he could afford to appease every materialistic whim they had.

 

Money = LESS GUILT for some. How sad?

 

Sad? I don't see it that way.

 

Look, there's 2 approaches from where I'm sitting.

 

1. Parents who try to buy their kid's love. My son's best pal has a well-to-do dad. It's great that he has the latest gadgets first, and goes shooting and skiing and whatnot. How often does he see his dad? Twice a year. Is his dad who he talks to when he encounters a bit of bullying at school or gets in to a scuffle? No. Money isn't everything.

 

2. As parents we all want the best for our kids. We have a big balancing act where we try desperately to weigh up pros and cons of working vs more hours devoted to parenting, take the kids on holiday or do much-needed maintenance to the house. Pay for after-school clubs/scout camp or clear the utility bill arrears. Buy them the gadget they 'need' or fix the car so we can do the school run. If you are or ever have been challenged financially then having or not having money DOES have an impact on how much serious consideration you give to separating from a partner and splitting one household and one set of bills in to two households and two sets of bills.

 

So I don't think it's 'sad' to think that more money = less guilt. Separation can be tough on kids, compound that with what a parent feels would be mild or even severe financial neglect then it's potentially a double whammy

[Spark1111]

Understand that by "less guilt" meaning from being able to provide a lifestyle that isnt compromised. The guilt will remain with the WS forever. That will never change.

 

TFOY

 

On this, we agree!

 

I think it is so telling that for some WS, they still need to be perceived as the hero, the Knight in Shining Armor, even as they lie and deceive and make plans to leave for their AP.

 

I think this must be a common fantasy for cheaters, as in, if I could give everyone a million dollars, they won't hate me so much for lying to their mother/father as I leave to seek happiness with my AP.

 

As if that will lessen consequences and assuage their guilt.

[waterwoman]

 

I think it is so telling that for some WS, they still need to be perceived as the hero, the Knight in Shining Armor, even as they lie and deceive .....

 

Yep. H is dealing with the tarnishing of his own view of himself. He doesn't much like it.

[Spark1111]

Sad? I don't see it that way.

 

Look, there's 2 approaches from where I'm sitting.

 

1. Parents who try to buy their kid's love. My son's best pal has a well-to-do dad. It's great that he has the latest gadgets first, and goes shooting and skiing and whatnot. How often does he see his dad? Twice a year. Is his dad who he talks to when he encounters a bit of bullying at school or gets in to a scuffle? No. Money isn't everything.

 

2. As parents we all want the best for our kids. We have a big balancing act where we try desperately to weigh up pros and cons of working vs more hours devoted to parenting, take the kids on holiday or do much-needed maintenance to the house. Pay for after-school clubs/scout camp or clear the utility bill arrears. Buy them the gadget they 'need' or fix the car so we can do the school run. If you are or ever have been challenged financially then having or not having money DOES have an impact on how much serious consideration you give to separating from a partner and splitting one household and one set of bills in to two households and two sets of bills.

 

So I don't think it's 'sad' to think that more money = less guilt. Separation can be tough on kids, compound that with what a parent feels would be mild or even severe financial neglect then it's potentially a double whammy

 

I am not disagreeing with you at all. I lived that with my H for many years during his debillitating condition. I ripped paper dinner napkins in half, we sacrificed all, to provide all those extras for our children. I get it.

 

But to leave us, his excuses to HER were all about reaching financial goals, etc. etc., and at that stage of our life, we had a son in college. Everyone else was out of the house.

 

So I offered to sell the house, split all assets and debt equally, and move on.

 

I did not need what he was trying so hard to preserve for....who?

[krazikat]

Understand that by "less guilt" meaning from being able to provide a lifestyle that isnt compromised. The guilt will remain with the WS forever. That will never change.

 

TFOY

 

Very true. This has been a very interesting thread, and a sad one. To imagine feeling stuck in a marriage, or worse, having a ws lying and acting as if all is normal, all while telling to ap that they are staying for the money.

 

So, is there a difference between a ws who is acting innocent, who still loves there spouse and doesnt intend to leave but is telling ap it is for the money? Or, like in many of the examples given, are the money situations more of a known between the mp, and not just something secret between ws and ap?

[waterwoman]

and run off into the sunset with my cats and the dog please? They are easier to love with than anyone else. And my dog always adores me.

[Act Two]

 

Money = LESS GUILT for some. How sad?

 

I also don't see that necessarily as sad. As someone else posted, the mountain of guilt is already high, and when you compound completely disrupting kids' lives because of finances, well it can be overwhelming. I know we like to think that love conquers all, but when the rubber meets the road it's very hard to watch everything in your child's life get upturned even if you might be happier with someone else.

[Act Two]

True, and that's another deterrent!

[krazikat]

I also don't see that necessarily as sad. As someone else posted, the mountain of guilt is already high, and when you compound completely disrupting kids' lives because of finances, well it can be overwhelming. I know we like to think that love conquers all, but when the rubber meets the road it's very hard to watch everything in your child's life get upturned even if you might be happier with someone else.

 

And then there is always the chance...statisticly speaking a huge chance...that the relationship with the ap will not be as wonderful as the fantasy was...and then the ww has even more guilt and regret for choices made.

[Spark1111]

I didn't choose him for his money. I didn't have his babies because of money, or the lack thereof. I would never stay in a loveless marriage because of money, or the lack thereof.

 

it's not a motivating factor for how I live or the choices I personally would make for myself or my children.

 

I grew up feast or famine with a very artistic father that we were all very proud of.

 

In my sitch, I found it sad that my H told her when he had enough money, he would be with her, as if he could buy his way out of here and not be considered such a bad guy.

 

kids didn't care about money. We hadn't had any in years. We just wanted him happy and whole and his new, high-powered position seemed to be helping his self-esteem. It's where he crashed into her.

 

They just couldn't understand how he lied to us for so long; how much those lies hurt me.

 

THAT was their bottom line. Mine too. Money, in his case, was some sort of excuse, guilt-reliever....or both.

[Act Two]

In my case, money has not necessarily driven me. I chose a career that is meaningful and has many intangible rewards; I am able to help others better their lives regularly, even while my paycheck sucks. That's a choice I made because some things are more important than money.

 

Having said that, money opens up opportunities, and things we want to provide for children. There is a lot of guilt involved in divorce, whether infidelity or not because there is disruption to children, and then if you add in the fact that children will lose opportunities because their parents can't work things out, then there is even more guilt.

[krazikat]

I didn't choose him for his money. I didn't have his babies because of money, or the lack thereof. I would never stay in a loveless marriage because of money, or the lack thereof.

 

it's not a motivating factor for how I live or the choices I personally would make for myself or my children.

 

I grew up feast or famine with a very artistic father that we were all very proud of.

 

In my sitch, I found it sad that my H told her when he had enough money, he would be with her, as if he could buy his way out of here and not be considered such a bad guy.

 

kids didn't care about money. We hadn't had any in years. We just wanted him happy and whole and his new, high-powered position seemed to be helping his self-esteem. It's where he crashed into her.

 

They just couldn't understand how he lied to us for so long; how much those lies hurt me.

 

THAT was their bottom line. Mine too. Money, in his case, was some sort of excuse, guilt-reliever....or both.

 

Definately agree with you. My sanity is worth much more imo. And kids are smart. The fact that a parent has an affair and lied may even be more traumatizing than any money factor. My oldest over heard a phone convo and still wont talk to my h, even tho he never left, never wanted too, the lies are what pissed her off. She actually asked me why I was letting him stay.

 

So ya, not all about the $ for the kids. Money doesnt buy love, doesnt pay for guilt, doesnt ensure happiness with the ap.

 

It is sad. Very sad to discount the nonmonetary impact a's have on kids.

[thefooloftheyear]

I didn't choose him for his money. I didn't have his babies because of money, or the lack thereof. I would never stay in a loveless marriage because of money, or the lack thereof.

 

it's not a motivating factor for how I live or the choices I personally would make for myself or my children.

 

I grew up feast or famine with a very artistic father that we were all very proud of.

 

In my sitch, I found it sad that my H told her when he had enough money, he would be with her, as if he could buy his way out of here and not be considered such a bad guy.

 

kids didn't care about money. We hadn't had any in years. We just wanted him happy and whole and his new, high-powered position seemed to be helping his self-esteem. It's where he crashed into her.

 

They just couldn't understand how he lied to us for so long; how much those lies hurt me.

 

THAT was their bottom line. Mine too. Money, in his case, was some sort of excuse, guilt-reliever....or both.

 

 

So in reality, for your situation money DID matter.....

 

Dont get me wrong..I sympathize with you and your dilemma...These things are never easy on anyone...

 

I do wish you well...

 

TFOY

[Spark1111]

So in reality, for your situation money DID matter.....

 

Dont get me wrong..I sympathize with you and your dilemma...These things are never easy on anyone...

 

I do wish you well...

 

TFOY

 

To HIM. To HER.....but not to us. I make my own money. I didn't need his to afford an apartment.

 

They just wanted to know why he didn't disclose the truth of his attraction to another, maybe separate, go to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving while he explored his feelings for her and allow me to do the same.

 

Ahhh....out of the mouths of babes.

[krazikat]

So.... every person they dated would assume that it was all lies though woudln't they?

Because as is said over and over NO ONE ever lives together/separately and anyone who believes in the truth must be delusional. It does happen, but that might be better discussed on another thread.

 

 

There's a difference between an EXCUSE and a REASON.

Excuses are used to justify.

Reasons are causes.

Sometimes one is the other and sometimes it's not.

A reason can be used as an excuse, but that doesn't make it less valid.

What you're missing is that there are guys out there who wouldn't have wanted to be responsible for the woman that they already feel they wronged, having to go from being a homemaker to getting two jobs, having to give up what they promsied her. Wrong or not, many men are conditioned that way.

 

 

And there's this too.

They dont' want to have to go from a nice, comfy, cushy home to a tiny little apartment, why would they? They don't want that for anyone.

Your math is flawed.

A mortgage can be as low as $300-$400 in some places and thousands elsewhere, but if you compare the apartment costs in the same places, they're often ALMOST the same.

Then electricity only goes up a little per person, based on usage, but the service is the main part of the charge, same for gas, phone, cable/internet will be the same. Now there are 2 insurance payments, car probably stays the same...

So it's your math that's flawed.

 

I'm curious as to where your stats about 75% of divorced people remarry, especially within the first 4 years. That figure seems very skewed to me, plus, people would be idiots to count on that as a method of financial planning.

I'm very happy for you that you seem to be peachy keen financially, I'm, doing pretty well myself too, so it's not sour grapes or envy making me say this, but you know what? MOST people are burdened with concern over finances.

People struggle with finances. Married, Separated, Divorced, Betrayed, not betrayed and some people do stay together because they can't afford to split.

Sometimes it is "cheaper to keep her" (which is a really offensive statement on a lot of levels) but sometimes it's just one more piece to a puzzle of why they stay. Along with love, history, family, a sense of loyalty, and many other things.

 

And some just like having it all.

 

It'd be helpful if there were more MM/MW who actually posted, because so much of what gets posted by everyone is speculation, heresay.. but that's what we've all got to work with.

 

I agree with the concept, because if I want something, I'm going to do it, but not everyone is like that.

 

"What you're missing is that there are guys out there who wouldn't have wanted to be responsible for the woman that they already feel they wronged, having to go from being a homemaker to getting two jobs, having to give up what they promsied her."

 

By having an emr, he has already given up what he promised her.

[Act Two]

 

It is sad. Very sad to discount the nonmonetary impact a's have on kids.

 

I don't think anyone is- I thought this thread was focused on finances though.

[krazikat]

So.... every person they dated would assume that it was all lies though woudln't they?

Because as is said over and over NO ONE ever lives together/separately and anyone who believes in the truth must be delusional. It does happen, but that might be better discussed on another thread.

 

 

There's a difference between an EXCUSE and a REASON.

Excuses are used to justify.

Reasons are causes.

Sometimes one is the other and sometimes it's not.

A reason can be used as an excuse, but that doesn't make it less valid.

What you're missing is that there are guys out there who wouldn't have wanted to be responsible for the woman that they already feel they wronged, having to go from being a homemaker to getting two jobs, having to give up what they promsied her. Wrong or not, many men are conditioned that way.

 

 

And there's this too.

They dont' want to have to go from a nice, comfy, cushy home to a tiny little apartment, why would they? They don't want that for anyone.

Your math is flawed.

A mortgage can be as low as $300-$400 in some places and thousands elsewhere, but if you compare the apartment costs in the same places, they're often ALMOST the same.

Then electricity only goes up a little per person, based on usage, but the service is the main part of the charge, same for gas, phone, cable/internet will be the same. Now there are 2 insurance payments, car probably stays the same...

So it's your math that's flawed.

 

I'm curious as to where your stats about 75% of divorced people remarry, especially within the first 4 years. That figure seems very skewed to me, plus, people would be idiots to count on that as a method of financial planning.

I'm very happy for you that you seem to be peachy keen financially, I'm, doing pretty well myself too, so it's not sour grapes or envy making me say this, but you know what? MOST people are burdened with concern over finances.

People struggle with finances. Married, Separated, Divorced, Betrayed, not betrayed and some people do stay together because they can't afford to split.

Sometimes it is "cheaper to keep her" (which is a really offensive statement on a lot of levels) but sometimes it's just one more piece to a puzzle of why they stay. Along with love, history, family, a sense of loyalty, and many other things.

 

And some just like having it all.

 

It'd be helpful if there were more MM/MW who actually posted, because so much of what gets posted by everyone is speculation, heresay.. but that's what we've all got to work with.

 

I agree with the concept, because if I want something, I'm going to do it, but not everyone is like that.

 

Ok, First let me say I am using my phone to post and it is being weird...not letting me quote right, lol just being difficult!

 

Yes, we are talking about finances...with ws leaving for ap. But what keeps coming up is other reasons in addition to the money. So if we eliminate all else, besides money and money alone, it seems often there is more to the story, thats all.

 

Seriously tho, imo this has been a fascinating discussion. It seems we have qjite a mix of bs and ow...a few ws too. Like someone else said, it would be great to get more ws posting on here...

 

It seems that we have people who think yes, money will hold an unhappy spouse to their marriage. We also have the ones who dont agree.

 

With all of our different perspectives and life experiences, we will have different thoughts on this. Thats a given.

 

But still it seems there are many more aspects then the money...kids being one of them.

 

So, some people are willing to stay miserable because of money.

Others are saying no way would they stay miserable for money.

 

I fall in the no way category. Divorce stats prove many say no way.

50% of 1st marriages end in divorce (Information on Divorce Rate and Statistics)

67% of 2nd marriages

74% of 3rd marriages.

Also, the site references that childless couples have only a slightly higher divorce rate than couples with children.

Back to money...according to discovery fit and health, the standard of living after divorce is as follows: med see a 10% gain while women see a 27% loss...soething to think about ladies!

In another study, 56% of divorces are because of infidelity...31% of divorced men say they wish they had worked harder to save the marriage while 74% of the men said they wish their xw had worked harder to save it...heck, check out the article...very interesting.

http://Www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson3.pdf