pbjbear Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Be grateful. Marrying someone before living together could have you ending up cheating on and divorced when the guy runs off with another girl. And divorce is way more drama and mess than a broken engagement. Imagine if you married that jerk and he still pulled what he did? By living with him and going through the engagement process, you dodged a bullet before tying the knot with that fool Well, we do need something to lighten up our coffee in the morning. Milk ftw! You should go to the inter racial thread and see what I said about black men there. 1
xxoo Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Biggest turn off is a girl who has everything all planned up and lined out. Who wants to feel pressured? Moving in together is a big step and clearly shows the guy sees long term potential with this woman. Biggest turn off is a guy who feels pressured by talking about marriage after dating more than 2 years. I advised her to ask him what is his point of view, not impose her own. The point is to be sure that they have compatible goals, not one pressuring the other. 3
xxoo Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I have no advice But be careful- there are men that have no issues moving in with a woman and never proposing to her because they get the milk for free. I don't know if it is all planned out like that.... I think some guys really like a woman, but don't feel compelled to marry her. They are (appropriately) waiting for certainty. They believe that, given time, that certainty will come. The woman believes the same. But the truth is, if he doesn't feel an overwhelming desire to marry you after 2 years (NOT meaning you have to run off and get married then, but at least he would want to propose), that certainty probably isn't going to come with time. He might end up marrying you, but it might not be because he feels SO happy to do so. He might do it because "it's time".
Author LDR Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 I don't know if it is all planned out like that.... I think some guys really like a woman, but don't feel compelled to marry her. They are (appropriately) waiting for certainty. They believe that, given time, that certainty will come. The woman believes the same. But the truth is, if he doesn't feel an overwhelming desire to marry you after 2 years (NOT meaning you have to run off and get married then, but at least he would want to propose), that certainty probably isn't going to come with time. He might end up marrying you, but it might not be because he feels SO happy to do so. He might do it because "it's time". Thank you all for the replies. That is one of my fears. I told him I would never put any pressure, but I will walk away if it doesnt happen in a certain period of time (no engagement after 3 years together). I understand both points of living vs not living together and both sides are valid. He says he sees marriage happening and thinks about it. As a previous poster mentioned, I will give us one year living together, and if nothing, I will leave
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I would never marry a girl I didn't live with beforehand. You don't even really know each other until you've lived together for a couple years. The first year doesn't count. It's years two and three where you learn all their annoying little habits and what not. If "annoying little habits" would dissuade you, then you're not in love and shouldn't even live together. Sometimes it's the "annoying little habits" that you come to miss most during a break-up - at least that is my experience. The biggest factor in remaining "in love" is whether both parties have their emotional needs met by the other. You know whether this is so after two years if you spend enough time together. my ex-bf said he needed two years to know. I gave him two years, then another, then another. I should have seen by his attitude that something was wrong. I was willing to make lots of changes for us to work out. He continued to "act independently" instead of treating me like a true partner. It turned into five years. The final thing that ended it was he making an independent decision that should have included both of us. The fact that it occurred while I was away from him and under stress was the final straw. The 4th year, I realized he'd never marry me. The 5th year I realized I'd never want to marry him. So there was no point in going on with the relationship. It was keeping me from finding a true partner. (I don't believe ex-bf is capable of being a true partner and that is what I consider the litmus test.) On the other hand, I lived with ex-husband for six months before getting married and it lasted 30 years before divorce. I think if a guy is eager to marry you, it sort of shows he's willing to do whatever to make a marriage work. If he's fearful of marriage, he may be worried about losing his independence and financial problems. I don't want someone who's not as eager as I am. 4
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If "annoying little habits" would dissuade you, then you're not in love and shouldn't even live together. Sometimes it's the "annoying little habits" that you come to miss most during a break-up - at least that is my experience. The biggest factor in remaining "in love" is whether both parties have their emotional needs met by the other. You know whether this is so after two years if you spend enough time together. my ex-bf said he needed two years to know. I gave him two years, then another, then another. I should have seen by his attitude that something was wrong. I was willing to make lots of changes for us to work out. He continued to "act independently" instead of treating me like a true partner. It turned into five years. The final thing that ended it was he making an independent decision that should have included both of us. The fact that it occurred while I was away from him and under stress was the final straw. The 4th year, I realized he'd never marry me. The 5th year I realized I'd never want to marry him. So there was no point in going on with the relationship. It was keeping me from finding a true partner. (I don't believe ex-bf is capable of being a true partner and that is what I consider the litmus test.) On the other hand, I lived with ex-husband for six months before getting married and it lasted 30 years before divorce. I think if a guy is eager to marry you, it sort of shows he's willing to do whatever to make a marriage work. If he's fearful of marriage, he may be worried about losing his independence and financial problems. I don't want someone who's not as eager as I am. This. For the record I've been dating someone for just a few months and he just asked what kind of ring I like. Said he's going to look this weekend. But we're 33/34 years old and don't want to date for 2-3 years before getting married. When a man knows, he knows. 3
candie13 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 This. For the record I've been dating someone for just a few months and he just asked what kind of ring I like. Said he's going to look this weekend. But we're 33/34 years old and don't want to date for 2-3 years before getting married. When a man knows, he knows. OMG, r u for real??? Wow, I am so impressed. I am jealous !
Clockwork Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My wife and I didn't live together before we got married. After our honeymoon a few years ago she moved a bunch of her stuff in here. We're doing just fine. Believe me, anyone that thinks that they need to live together to know whether or not you are compatable for marriage is unsure about you from the word "go". I was sure about my wife 2 weeks into us dating. How do you know? You just do. You don't need to live together to find out. 5
kaylan Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 ^And how many people are so sure during the honeymoon phase and fail miserably? 1
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 ^And how many people are so sure during the honeymoon phase and fail miserably? Kalyan I don't know. But what I do know is that my ex proposed to his now fiancée within less than a year and had none of the reservations with her that he apparently had with me. And they seem very happy. 1
kaylan Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 ^No one knows what the future holds. All that can be said is that we all have seen rushing things blow up in our faces. Just because OPs guy wants to take his time and make sure the fit is right, doesnt mean he doesnt see a future with her. When I was younger I used to think Id jump head first into marriage, but Im a very cautious person nowadays. I dont want to have more than 1 marriage, so I wanna make the right choice. 1
xxoo Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 ^And how many people are so sure during the honeymoon phase and fail miserably? You don't have to get married that fast. It's more about having a desire to marry her; a strong feeling that he wants to marry her. My H had this feeling within the first 6 months, but we didn't marry until 2 years later.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 ^No one knows what the future holds. All that can be said is that we all have seen rushing things blow up in our faces. Just because OPs guy wants to take his time and make sure the fit is right, doesnt mean he doesnt see a future with her. When I was younger I used to think Id jump head first into marriage, but Im a very cautious person nowadays. I dont want to have more than 1 marriage, so I wanna make the right choice. I understand this but I'm living proof that just because you take your time and do everything the 'right' way in no way ensures that things will work out. When a man falls madly in love he doesn't want to risk losing her. He wants to lock her down stock, lock and barrel. 1
Woggle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I understand this but I'm living proof that just because you take your time and do everything the 'right' way in no way ensures that things will work out. When a man falls madly in love he doesn't want to risk losing her. He wants to lock her down stock, lock and barrel. Be glad he pulled that crap before marriage instead of after it. You dodged a bullet which proved that waiting was actually the right idea. Also don't you think a few months is a bit too soon to be ring shopping. You guys barely know each other at that point. 1
Noproblem Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I don't know! You can always try to live together foe a month or two, maybe in the end, you will be the one who doesn't like it! Loving someone is so different from living with that same one!
man_in_the_box Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I have never understand why marriage prospect is considered such a vital aspect of cohabitation. I've recently started cohabitating with my partner because we both wanted to. I have no qualms to stay with her indefinitely yet I have no desire to get married anytime soon and I am certainly not going to be persuaded to do it anyway. It'll come naturally or otherwise not. Any other way would be detrimental to what we already have. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Be glad he pulled that crap before marriage instead of after it. You dodged a bullet which proved that waiting was actually the right idea. Also don't you think a few months is a bit too soon to be ring shopping. You guys barely know each other at that point. I see this happen all the time though. I supported my ex through grad school. We lived together for three years before he would even consider getting married. Cue in his meeting his current fiancé and boy, he fell so hard he couldn't WAIT to put a ring on it. We've had this debate before here, but I'm still of the opinion that marriage isn't just something you try on for size by living together and - my first clue that my ex wasn't all that into me was that he DID wait so long to propose. I'd never wait beyond a year at my age. He wasted good 4 fertile years of my life. 3
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 My point was, everything is peaches for the first year. Honeymoon phase or whatever you want to call it. I look at living together as a trial period for marriage. At that point, it's all but official anyways. Maybe two people don't feel a need to get married. My ex and I dated for 4 years, lived together for 3 of them. The first year everything was great. Year 2 we started to fight every other month or so. By mid year 3, we were at each others throats. So I feel really bad for the people who find themselves in a similar situation only they have a little thing called marriage attached to it. That would suck. If you were fighting all the time and not working it out, one of you was a "renter" - because that's what happens. It's those who are willing to compromise and keep working on things until they work out that are "buyers".
Els Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Re the bolded: like what? That's what no one seems to have answered yet. What do you not find out until you live together? Speaking solely for myself, issues that we had to resolve or knowledge that became apparent while living together, that we didn't have while sleeping over (which we did for 6 months prior to living together), were: Distribution of household chores and payment of shared expenses How our daily routines mesh together on a long term basis Living with each others' quirks - way more apparent when you share an abode for a long period of time Learning to give and take personal space despite sharing constant physical proximity That being said, plenty of people certainly do learn about the above and resolve them successfully after marrying, if my parents and relatives are any indication. It's really more a personal preference than anything. I wouldn't knock one way or the other. On the one hand, a broken lease and some hassle is a much better way to learn about unresolvable cohabitation incompatibilities than a divorce. On the other hand, I do agree that if one cannot afford to wait long for marriage, living together prior to it could certainly serve to postpone it. So you have to weigh between the two, I guess. 2
RedRobin Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I have never understand why marriage prospect is considered such a vital aspect of cohabitation. I've recently started cohabitating with my partner because we both wanted to. I have no qualms to stay with her indefinitely yet I have no desire to get married anytime soon and I am certainly not going to be persuaded to do it anyway. It'll come naturally or otherwise not. Any other way would be detrimental to what we already have. 'Renters' never do... 1
RedRobin Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 If he's fearful of marriage, he may be worried about losing his independence and financial problems. I don't want someone who's not as eager as I am. Exactly... I'd say this is probably the biggest thing to look for... If a guy is fearful of commitment, it really doesn't matter if it is about 'you' or someone else. I'm not about to hang around and try to convince someone that living as a married couple is the way to go. What pisses me off are men who say they are open to it, or are looking for a committed relationship just so they can get a relationship with women who are. These are the hard-core 'renters' who like having 'buyers' around to suck dry. For those people, the best you can do is look at their relationship history and how they approach life in general. If they approach life in a half-assed way, they will likely approach their relationships in a half-assed way as well. 1
RedRobin Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Hmm... Or men realize that marriage is more and more becoming a losing proposition for them. One day, if your wife gets bored she can file for divorce; take half your assets, the children (if you have any together) which you'll be paying support for and receive alimony. Which is freely modifiable btw. Meaning, you get a promotion or better job, she can drag you back into court and have the judge modify your payments accordingly to match your current salary. On top of that some 70% of divorces are initiated by women. "Renting" as it's described here doesn't sound so bad to us guys. That's interesting... all of the very successful men I know are married... including the ones in my family. When I look around, it is only the under-class who think marriage is a thing of the past. 'Renting' is something lower class men do to lower class women who let them. At least in the US. 1
debber01 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I would never marry a girl I didn't live with beforehand. You don't even really know each other until you've lived together for a couple years. The first year doesn't count. It's years two and three where you learn all their annoying little habits and what not. ^^^ That. That's what I meant by potential deal breakers. Anyone can be on their best behavior for an overnight or two, but may not be able to sustain that long term.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 The bottom line is there are absolutely no guarantees when it comes to marriage and divorce. But hell if I'm going to move in with another dude to "try it out" while precious time is wasted that I could be using to have a family. Eff that. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Yeah, the ones who aren't married dropped a class when their wife took half. But seriously, it has nothing to do with class. And where did I say a thing of the past? I said a losing proposition. There's a difference. I know plenty of successful men that aren't married. I know plenty of guys who aren't in the upper class who are. Marriage as a whole, is a tradition that historically has served women more than man. Now as societal roles change, this is becoming less true. But I really don't want to get into that as it's a whole other matter entirely. Dude seriously? And this is why married men are typically happier and live longer, right?
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