Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I'm curious what about him waking up / going to bed could be such a dealbreaker though? That would lead to one not wanting to marry someone they were in love with. Sure you may discover nuances you didn't know about, but honestly what major issues do you think you'd find that you were magically blind to prior to living together? Esp if you are still spending most of your time together / having sleepovers / going on trips....? I mean if he or she is a disgusting slob or a secret Nazi or something, surely the other would realize it after 2 years. Well, first off, I'm automatically disregarding the religious reasons. But will point out that the vast majority of those who believe "cohabitation is a sin" are already committing the act that MAKES it a sin – sex before marriage. It's not the living together that's a sin. But for those who already have intimate relationships where they're seeing a lot of each other, I guess the question is -- why NOT? What is the argument against cohabitation? I just feel that too many people view marriage as this magical arrangement that will cure a relationship of all of its frailties and tensions. They have an idealistic notion that, once you cross that border, you're home free. When, in reality, it's going to be EXACTLY LIKE living together -- only with less freedom to get out of it if you need to. So why wouldn't you want to give yourselves that trial first, if it's an option? But yes, many relationships are already intimate enough, and you're already spending enough time together, that you have a very good understanding of each other's nuances and habits. So the question is, again: Why wouldn't you feel comfortable taking the leap into cohabitation at that point? Here's an example of why it's a good idea. I have a female friend who is very messy. Her boyfriend was cagey about moving in with her because, as a neat freak, he feared they would end up proving incompatible in a shared living arrangement. But they gave it a go, my messy friend learned how to adapt herself to suit her boyfriend's needs, and now, two years after moving into together, they're happily engaged. They did the experiment, and it was successful. But what if they had just jumped into marriage first, and discovered only THEN that it didn't work out? Not as smart. There are other good reasons why it should happen. For example, learning how you personally feel about not having the luxury and independence of own private living space to retreat to when things are rough, or you just need your own time. Or, how do you feel when his friends come over and bombard your space, and you can't just leave? The point is, you need be 100 percent comfortable with living with someone if you want to plan to spend the rest of your life with them, as marriage implies. And the only true way of knowing that you're 100 percent comfortable with living someone is to DO IT.
TheGuard13 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 For me it's a must. If problems occur that means we're not compatible, which is half the point of moving in together in the first place. To see if it will work. I think if you don't live together before you get married, you're taking an enormous risk. You don't really know your partner. You might think you do, but you usually don't. I think most couples need the time to work out living situations, learn to compromise on certain issues, and just to see if they can stand being around each other all the time. 1
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 For me it's a must. If problems occur that means we're not compatible, which is half the point of moving in together in the first place. To see if it will work. I think if you don't live together before you get married, you're taking an enormous risk. You don't really know your partner. You might think you do, but you usually don't. I think most couples need the time to work out living situations, learn to compromise on certain issues, and just to see if they can stand being around each other all the time. Exactly right. It's about giving yourself an honest, realistic picture of what a shared living space looks like for the two of you -- a space based on compromise and adjustments and, yes, a loss of independence for both of you. Does it work out? What problems come up? Are they problems you can sort through? Marriage is an amplified version of this, with less freedom. So somebody tell me why it's NOT a good idea to give yourselves this reality check before marriage. Seriously. 1
jcrew11 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Stupid argument... Get a pre-nup if you are paranoid. Women don't 'obviously' want to just have babies. I got married with zero ambition for children and told him that. It was him who eventually tried to push them on me... and of course... I was the one who was supposed to stay home and take care of them too... Would have been nice if he clued me into his little 'plan' in advance. this ain't the 1950's.... Don't assume shyte. It seems that Women (everywhere and on this forum) want marriage and committment for 20 years or forever. Does that sound Traditional to you? It sure sounds traditional to me. You can define marriage however you want, but women still define it as a "Lifetime of Monogamy." Now we live in a modern liberal society, and most Men and some Women realize that its not always happy living with the same person for 20 years. There are actually some studies that show that Men are happiest in 5 year relationships, and then dump the girl. The only reason that "Legal Marriage" is important is only when children are involved, since both biological parents are legally bound to provide for any children for at least 18 years. Having children, is the only Real reason I believe any man or woman should get married. If they don't want children, then they have to be 100% sure they will never divorce. So, if a Woman wants children, then she should push for Marriage first. Otherwise, she might just be satisfied her freedom to stay or leave from an unhappy relationship.
jcrew11 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Actually we both have very good incomes, and I make more money than him. We are both 31 so I would like to have kids in 3-4 years. Given you advanced age, you really don't have time to waste on the "wrong guy." If you see this guy as husband material, then I would push for an engagement. Especially if you want to have kids soon. If he really hesitates, or doesn't think you would make a good wife/mother, then dump him and find someone else. Practice living together by spending one whole week together at his place. Or go on a long vacation together.
jcrew11 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Men cannot be satisfied with one woman for the rest of their life...isnt this obvious? This is obvious to me and it should be obvious to any woman who "wants to get married." Do these women want to get married "just to keep the husband on a chain" and stop him from cheating? I feel like these women are "Traditionalists" who think that they should only have sex with one man for the rest of her life. (Unless she wants to have babies). In a truly Liberal society, there would be no need for marriage. Women work, so they don't need a man to pay for the house. I just feel that a woman's obsession with Marriage, is really about a "Legal and financial leash on a man." Let's be honest here, women want to get married for the wrong reasons, since the idea of marriage is wrong in itself. If a Man wants to stay with you, he will do it on his own free will. If he wants to cheat on you, he will do it because he wants to. Living together is and end point because if the Woman or Man becomes unhappy for some reason, they can leave. Being "Married just makes it legally difficult" to end the relationship, so 2 people just stay together longer being miserable. So its Foolish to buy into all these studies unless its "women who's boyfriends have cheated on them." You can be unhappily Married, or you can be happily divorced or single. The idea that "Marriage is goal" is every woman's dumb dream. We can live together for 5 years, then find someone else. Just because these studies shows Marriage success just means all those married people are unhappy. I say, the happy people are the Single people or the divorced people. Divorce no longer carries a stigma, and many women initiate the divorce. So, for you to demand marriage is a foolish idea, unless you want to get pregnant.
SJC2008 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I told him I dont want to be in a relationship for more than 3 years w/out anything more (currently we have been together for 2 years and 2 months). He says he sees marriage in the future but has not said when, just that he needs to try living together first to see compatibility. He knows I will not wait forever A professional R counselor and author recommends dating a woman at least 2-3 years before marriage/proposal. He claims the closer you get to someone the more you run into their defense mechanisms and that people can bottom out within that time frame and go as far as they can with an intimate relationship. I think this is good advice because I have read that the honeymoon phase can last 2 months to two years and you find out how truly compatible you really are once the honeymoon phase is over. You are nearing the end of this window so if he doesn't propose by the 3 year and 0:00 mark LEAVE!
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I could not imagine not living with my partner before I married him. We started dating in February 2004 when I was 19 and he was 22. I was fresh outta highschool and working full time and he was working full time trying to become an Electrician. We got married on October 10, 2010, almost 7 years later. We didnt want to get married before that. I wanted to live with him for a little while, then get engaged, enjoy that, and then plan a wedding. After 6.5 years together, we wed. Heck, my brain hadnt even finished growing until I was 25-26!!! Lol. I had no right to be married before that age anyway. I was too young and dumb and had growing up to do before that. We have now been together just over 9 years and have been trying to have a baby for 15 months. I have PCOS, so that is making things really difficult. I am so very thankful I lived with him before ever marrying him. My brother got married and then moved out with his wife. They are Catholic and it would be looked down upon to get divorced. They seem happy. I have no reason to believe they arent or that theyre considering divorce. I am sure it was an adjustment though. We both went into thinking we were going to be spending forever together and one day planned on having children together, but if we couldnt live together and make a home together, it wasnt going to work. We were not ready to be married and then just wing it though.. If it didnt work, we would cut our losses and move on, without ever having been married where it was much less messy.
Woggle Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Some of the posters in this thread are just as bad as the bitter men. I am sorry some of you have had such awful experiences with men but I promise you that there are men who are nothing like what you describe. I know men married for 20 to 30 years who have never cheated so yes men can be satisfied with one woman. 3
FitChick Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I wouldn't live with a man unless we were engaged. The engagement period is for getting to know someone and being totally committed to doing just that before going through with a marriage. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I lived with my ex for 3 years, engaged for one, and he ended up dumping me for the wedding planner. I'll never live with and entwine my life with another man again unless we're married.
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 What do you learn from living together that you don't learn from seeing someone on a daily basis dating plus sleepovers? I can't think of anything that was a big surprise at that point.
KungFuJoe Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 xxoo, It's a HUGE difference, imo. It's more mental than anything. Just KNOWING that you guys are living together is a HUGE step. I consider it a MUST to live together before getting married. I lived with my gf for over 2 years before we tied the knot. Just knowing that you can't run back to your place after an argument or a disagreement or be able to "escape" is a huge deal. Actually...an even bigger deal is the desire to want to escape. You know you're in love when you get into a HUGE fight with your SO and your first instinct is NOT to get the hell out of dodge.
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Well, not everyone runs home during a fight, and I'm not sure I'd even move in if they did..... We proved all that stuff just dating.
veggirl Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Well, not everyone runs home during a fight, and I'm not sure I'd even move in if they did..... We proved all that stuff just dating. Just what I was thinking. If you live with someone who runs away during arguments, I imagine they'll still do so...just instead of going to their home, they will go to the bar, a friends house, parents, etc.
Eclypse Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I think it's very important to live with the person for at least a while before marrying. That's what me and my gf plan to do. KFJoe outlines some good reasons. IMO if living together increases your divorce chance... chances are you were going to divorce anyway. However this might be different for someone who is desperate to get married ASAP and get the official ring and seal of approval. I don't know if my gf and me will ever get married. We both seem pretty content to just be "dating" forever albeit living together eventually. This may make my viewpoint different from others.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I lived with my ex for 3 years, engaged for one, and he ended up dumping me for the wedding planner. I'll never live with and entwine my life with another man again unless we're married. WOW. I am so sorry.
candie13 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Tough question... to me, the real question is, how com you didn't want to move in sooner - actually dated for 2 years? It's just... a bit insulting, that's how I feel. I mean, you're together for 2 years, and then you live together for 3-6 months and then OMG, you're just not good enough? What can happen in those 3 to 6 months? It's not like 40 years ago, nowadays he sleeps over at your place and vice versa... I don't know what to say. I also see KungFuJoe's point as well, about moving in and having nowhere to go and facing the heat... There's no right or wrong answer, IMO. What do you feel? Is he the man of your life? Are you deeply, profoundly in love with him? If he is The One, then go ahead, move in, give him time and let him confront his fears. Some people do need more time. If, however, your gut instinct tells you differently... I mean, you are talking marriage here. You should trust him enough to want to move in with him in a minute and do other crazy, stupid stuff, because you trust and love your SO... don't you?
KungFuJoe Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 My earlier explanation wasnt' very good It's really hard to explain why I think it's important to live together. It's just a different thing "mentally" and that's the best I can put it. You're right in that, technically, it shouldn't be any different than two people who see each other every day and always end up spending the night at each other's homes. It's kind of like asking "why get married"? What's the difference between getting married and just staying committed without the legal piece of paper? It's a symbolic meaning. Something about making a leap of faith in moving your relationship forward. I liken moving in together to that. However, there is also the very REAL aspect of finances. Moving in together means you will probably also be sharing money...rent, utilities, food, etc. Lots of people get along in lots of ways but go at each other's throats when it comes to money and living together is one way to find out how well that aspect is going to work out. On that note, my wife and I had joint back accounts way before we got married. Money is something we never fight about and we found out REAL quick when she moved in with me after dating for 2 months.
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 We combined money and life decisions before we married. We just skipped the living together part and got married, since we were combining lives anyway. No big surprises! 1
debber01 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I told him I dont want to be in a relationship for more than 3 years w/out anything more (currently we have been together for 2 years and 2 months). He says he sees marriage in the future but has not said when, just that he needs to try living together first to see compatibility. He knows I will not wait forever FWIW, and this coming from someone who was married for 23 years + lived with him 2 years before that for a total of 25 years, I would never ever marry someone without living together first. Yeah. I know. See how THAT worked out for me and all! Lol. But seriously, there are so many things that could be potential deal breakers if you're living together (on both sides) that you won't find out about until after you're married if you don't live together first. Then what? You're already married and didn't find out about these things ahead of time. So now you go through the emotional pain and financial expense of divorce? Or do you put up & shut up & stay miserably married for years? Living together day to day is a TOTALLY different animal than dating. Just MHO.... 1
veggirl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 FWIW, and this coming from someone who was married for 23 years + lived with him 2 years before that for a total of 25 years, I would never ever marry someone without living together first. Yeah. I know. See how THAT worked out for me and all! Lol. But seriously, there are so many things that could be potential deal breakers if you're living together (on both sides) that you won't find out about until after you're married if you don't live together first. Then what? You're already married and didn't find out about these things ahead of time. So now you go through the emotional pain and financial expense of divorce? Or do you put up & shut up & stay miserably married for years? Living together day to day is a TOTALLY different animal than dating. Just MHO.... Re the bolded: like what? That's what no one seems to have answered yet. What do you not find out until you live together? ftr, I do live with my bf and...nothing has come as a surprise. He wasn't hiding things from me prior to this, so what would I be shocked to find out? He doesn't secretly poop on the couch and then scoop it up and take it to the toilet or anything. What "dealbreakers" can you not discover without living together? I guess if you're with a giant liar some things might come to light but...if you are dating a giant liar, you'd likely have a clue to that much before moving in or getting married unless you are purposely naive/ignore red flags.
kaylan Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) Boyfriend and I will be moving in together soon. I want to get married eventually, but he wants to make sure we are compatible by living together before getting engaged. He thinks it is a terrible idea to get engaged before living together. Not sure how long to wait for an engagement after moving in together. Any opinions? I sorta agree with him. Id like to date a girl for a couple years before an engagement, so we can let the honeymoon phase have enough time to wear off and truly get to know each other and how we fit. Id be ok moving in at the 18 month or 2 year mark...and we can get engaged after living together for a little bit. All in all, Id like to be in a relationship with a girl for 3 years before getting married.If your desire is to be married, I would advise against an arrangement of living together without a clear plan to be married within X amt of years. Have you asked him how long he'd want to live together before getting engaged? Biggest turn off is a girl who has everything all planned up and lined out. Who wants to feel pressured? Moving in together is a big step and clearly shows the guy sees long term potential with this woman. Edited April 2, 2013 by kaylan
pbjbear Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I have no advice But be careful- there are men that have no issues moving in with a woman and never proposing to her because they get the milk for free. 3
kaylan Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I lived with my ex for 3 years, engaged for one, and he ended up dumping me for the wedding planner. I'll never live with and entwine my life with another man again unless we're married. Be grateful. Marrying someone before living together could have you ending up cheating on and divorced when the guy runs off with another girl. And divorce is way more drama and mess than a broken engagement. Imagine if you married that jerk and he still pulled what he did? By living with him and going through the engagement process, you dodged a bullet before tying the knot with that foolI have no advice But be careful- there are men that have no issues moving in with a woman and never proposing to her because they get the milk for free. Well, we do need something to lighten up our coffee in the morning. Milk ftw!
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