LDR Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Boyfriend and I will be moving in together soon. I want to get married eventually, but he wants to make sure we are compatible by living together before getting engaged. He thinks it is a terrible idea to get engaged before living together. Not sure how long to wait for an engagement after moving in together. Any opinions?
RedRobin Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Boyfriend and I will be moving in together soon. I want to get married eventually, but he wants to make sure we are compatible by living together before getting engaged. He thinks it is a terrible idea to get engaged before living together. Not sure how long to wait for an engagement after moving in together. Any opinions? There are lots of statistics that show that the divorce rate amongst people who live together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce... like 80%. He sounds like a 'renter', not a 'buyer'... If you want to be married 'eventually' I wouldn't do it... Unless you are willing to live together 6+ years. The divorce rate drops down to the average (50%) for those who get married after that. 2
StanMusial Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 There are lots of statistics that show that the divorce rate amongst people who live together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce... like 80%. He sounds like a 'renter', not a 'buyer'... If you want to be married 'eventually' I wouldn't do it... Unless you are willing to live together 6+ years. The divorce rate drops down to the average (50%) for those who get married after that. I wouldn't do it either... I don't know any statistics on it or even care. I know plenty of people who shacked up though and it did not lead to a successful marriage.
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 There are lots of statistics that show that the divorce rate amongst people who live together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce... like 80%. He sounds like a 'renter', not a 'buyer'... If you want to be married 'eventually' I wouldn't do it... Unless you are willing to live together 6+ years. The divorce rate drops down to the average (50%) for those who get married after that. I've also read that couples that live in together tend to divorce. Personally, I would not move in until there is an engagement and the wedding date set. And for living together 6+ years, I wonder just how many of them even end in marriage. If someone is waiting that long, I don't see a commitment to marry and only eventual break-up and heart-ache. Just crazy waiting that long...
iKING Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 There are lots of statistics that show that the divorce rate amongst people who live together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce... like 80%. He sounds like a 'renter', not a 'buyer'... If you want to be married 'eventually' I wouldn't do it... Unless you are willing to live together 6+ years. The divorce rate drops down to the average (50%) for those who get married after that. That's the same statistics I read awhile back, kind of strange. Always wondered why that is, do you think It's the lack of commitment prior to the cohabitation?
soccerrprp Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 There are lots of statistics that show that the divorce rate amongst people who live together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorce... like 80%. He sounds like a 'renter', not a 'buyer'... If you want to be married 'eventually' I wouldn't do it... Unless you are willing to live together 6+ years. The divorce rate drops down to the average (50%) for those who get married after that. This simply doesn't make sense. 80% divorce rate if living together before marriage, but if living together before marriage for more than 6 years, it's only 50%???? Sounds silly. Also, what percentage of the people who lived 6+ years actually got married!????? 1
jcrew11 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Boyfriend and I will be moving in together soon. I want to get married eventually, but he wants to make sure we are compatible by living together before getting engaged. He thinks it is a terrible idea to get engaged before living together. Not sure how long to wait for an engagement after moving in together. Any opinions? It depends on your age and his age. To make a marriage work, there are certainly financial considerations - at least for the guy. The guy doesn't want to have to lose a lot of money in a divorce. Women obviously just want to settle down with one guy and eventually have babies. When do you want to have children?
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 While...oddly enough... people living in some of the most liberal parts of the country have marriages that last the longest. I believe Massachussetts has a very low divorce rate. Louisiana and Mississippi (heart of the Bible Belt) some of the highest. I'd argue that economic and educational factors play a larger role. 2
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 It depends on your age and his age. To make a marriage work, there are certainly financial considerations - at least for the guy. The guy doesn't want to have to lose a lot of money in a divorce. Women obviously just want to settle down with one guy and eventually have babies. When do you want to have children? Stupid argument... Get a pre-nup if you are paranoid. Women don't 'obviously' want to just have babies. I got married with zero ambition for children and told him that. It was him who eventually tried to push them on me... and of course... I was the one who was supposed to stay home and take care of them too... Would have been nice if he clued me into his little 'plan' in advance. this ain't the 1950's.... Don't assume shyte.
Author LDR Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) It depends on your age and his age. To make a marriage work, there are certainly financial considerations - at least for the guy. The guy doesn't want to have to lose a lot of money in a divorce. Women obviously just want to settle down with one guy and eventually have babies. When do you want to have children? Actually we both have very good incomes, and I make more money than him. We are both 31 so I would like to have kids in 3-4 years. Edited April 1, 2013 by LDR
Object_a Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I wouldn't give to much weight to the stats alone on the basis that correlation does not equal causation. Most posters in here seem to think the stats show that cohabiting before marriage makes your relationship worse. But it's just as likely that people who choose not to co-habit before marriage do so because of social or religious pressures (e.g. they don't want to be 'living in sin') and therefore feel more pressured to stay in relationships they aren't happy with further down the line because they consider divorce sinful or shameful. FYI here in the UK it's the norm to co-habit before marriage, and divorce rates are almost identical to the USA (around 40%). Most people here would think you were very strange if you refused to live together until marriage. I know things are more traditional in the USA but I'm just saying that one doesn't necessarily lead to the other. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 This reminds me of an article that shows that strong Christian couples divorce at a much lower rate than national average. What the article likes to emphasize the rosey, happy relationship such couples have and attribute that to their faith, but fail to mention just how many do not divorce b/c of fear of social rejection, fear of being viewed as a failed couple, religious guilt, etc. 3
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 If your desire is to be married, I would advise against an arrangement of living together without a clear plan to be married within X amt of years. Have you asked him how long he'd want to live together before getting engaged?
Author LDR Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 If your desire is to be married, I would advise against an arrangement of living together without a clear plan to be married within X amt of years. Have you asked him how long he'd want to live together before getting engaged? I told him I dont want to be in a relationship for more than 3 years w/out anything more (currently we have been together for 2 years and 2 months). He says he sees marriage in the future but has not said when, just that he needs to try living together first to see compatibility. He knows I will not wait forever
Pompeii Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I've heard stories from several people that have done this and the sex dries up quite quick. 1
Object_a Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I've heard stories from several people that have done this and the sex dries up quite quick. No different to marriage then, really In all seriousness, it's common sense that you have less sex as a relationship grows older, whether you're married or not. Most people just cannot keep that up indefinitely let alone with the same person for many years.
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Does he seem enthusiastic about marrying? Or is he just appeasing you? What does your gut say? My gut says: at your ages, and together this long, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. And if he isn't sure, that's an answer. 4
StanMusial Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 It almost seems like some sort of scientific experiment. Put the two prospective mates in a petri dish and see if they survive. What is he going to do, pop the question at the breakfast table one morning? Not very romantic.
Author LDR Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Does he seem enthusiastic about marrying? Or is he just appeasing you? What does your gut say? My gut says: at your ages, and together this long, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. And if he isn't sure, that's an answer. Yes, that is what hurts and "stings" a bit, the need for him to see the compatibility, the not being 100% sure
veggirl Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I am torn on this. I lived with an ex for 2 years and after we broke up, I vowed never to live with a man again unless we were engaged. Break ups are so much harder when you live together. You stay with people longer than you normally would have just cause moving out and all that is so difficult. My situation had nothing to do with marriage, I was 22 and not even thinking of marriage. But the break up was dragged out a LOT, there was a lot of break up/make up because of our living situation. Anyway, fast forward 7 years, I now live with a boyfriend LOL. I moved across the country to be with him after his job transferred him here. Had we stayed at home, NO I would not have moved in with him without a marriage date set, but circumstances changed, I bent with the wind and compromised on this. We had been together just a year and were faced with an "all or nothing" situation before we were ready for that. He left and 4 months later I joined him, those 4 months provided a lot of clarity. He knows how I feel about living together, he knows I won't do it for an extended period of time without more committment. Please if you move in with this guy make ABSOLUTE SURE that he knows this is not indefinite. My situation? I think a year here in the new city (so 2 yrs of relationship if you take out the 4 mos he was gone) is long enough for us both to be established in a new city and know what we want. If he is unsure a year from now, I would most likely start planning a move back home. What exactly is he worried about in terms of compatibility? Do you guys not spend weekends together, a couple days a week, etc? After 2 years of dating, how do you NOT KNOW if you are compatible or not? Does he think he will find out you leave the cap off toothpaste and that is a dealbreaker or something? It's just silly. You know each other, you have been together 2 years, he is not sure if you are compatible? In what ways? I would ask him that. 3
StanMusial Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Veggirl your decision was driven by circumstance which is understandable. I'm probably more old fashioned than 90% of the people on here. I follow the KISS rule when I can. Free milk and the cow sort of stuff. 1
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 There is conflicting research about the "risk" of living together before marriage. Here's an article that discusses some recent research: living together before marriage. This paragraph is interesting: The data show that those who live together after making plans to marry or getting engaged have about the same chances of divorcing as couples who never cohabited before marriage. But those who move in together before making any clear decision to marry appear to have an increased risk of divorce.
Woggle Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 While...oddly enough... people living in some of the most liberal parts of the country have marriages that last the longest. I believe Massachussetts has a very low divorce rate. Louisiana and Mississippi (heart of the Bible Belt) some of the highest. I'd argue that economic and educational factors play a larger role. NJ has the lowest. Just wanted to brag about that to be honest. 1
Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Wow, I have no idea why so many people in this thread are bashing the concept of living together before marriage. Of COURSE you should want and need to do that. I agree with the OP's boyfriend entirely. Why on earth would you want to make the day-to-day realities of living together "the big reveal" of the relationship, AFTER the point when you've legally signed up for a long-term commitment? Why would you want to save those unexpected surprises until AFTER you've signed the dotted line? So much of marriage is the day-to-day mundane details. You should want to know what your boyfriend is like every morning when he wakes up and every night when he goes to bed and everything in between. You should want to know if your living styles and habits are compatible. This is is stuff that WILL affect your married life. It's shouldn't be a toss of the dice "We'll see how this goes..." But OP, given the stage of your life and your desire for kids, yeah it's perfectly reasonable that you don't want to hang around for ever. Sign a year lease with this guy in your new place, and if you two ride out that lease with no firm talk of marriage, you have every right to back out and do whatever you need to do for yourself. Sure, it'll be harder to get yourself out of a shared living situation if that's how things turn out. But a) it would already be hard anyway, don't kid yourself, and b) at least you both would have the knowledge that you gave it an honest go and realistically assessed what it's like to live together side by side. 2
veggirl Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Wow, I have no idea why so many people in this thread are bashing the concept of living together before marriage. Of COURSE you should want and need to do that. I agree with the OP's boyfriend entirely. Why on earth would you want to make the day-to-day realities of living together "the big reveal" of the relationship, AFTER the point when you've legally signed up for a long-term commitment? Why would you want to save those unexpected surprises until AFTER you've signed the dotted line? So much of marriage is the day-to-day mundane details. You should want to know what your boyfriend is like every morning when he wakes up and every night when he goes to bed and everything in between. You should want to know if your living styles and habits are compatible. This is is stuff that WILL affect your married life. It's shouldn't be a toss of the dice "We'll see how this goes..." But OP, given the stage of your life and your desire for kids, yeah it's perfectly reasonable that you don't want to hang around for ever. Sign a year lease with this guy in your new place, and if you two ride out that lease with no firm talk of marriage, you have every right to back out and do whatever you need to do for yourself. Sure, it'll be harder to get yourself out of a shared living situation if that's how things turn out. But a) it would already be hard anyway, don't kid yourself, and b) at least you both would have the knowledge that you gave it an honest go and realistically assessed what it's like to live together side by side. I'm curious what about him waking up / going to bed could be such a dealbreaker though? That would lead to one not wanting to marry someone they were in love with. Sure you may discover nuances you didn't know about, but honestly what major issues do you think you'd find that you were magically blind to prior to living together? Esp if you are still spending most of your time together / having sleepovers / going on trips....? I mean if he or she is a disgusting slob or a secret Nazi or something, surely the other would realize it after 2 years. 2
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