ejh Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Have any of you done this. Did you get answers. Should you even try this.
BetrayedH Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I did. When my wife wanted to reconcile and said she would have no contact with him for life, I wanted to see what he had to say first-hand. It didn't (and doesn't usually) accomplish much. They have a tendency to lie, you know? But in some cases I have seen betrayed spouses get information out of the other person that they couldn't get out of their spouse. In a time when you struggle for information, they can be another resource. I don't see anything wrong with it provided that you're prepared to take it with a grain of salt. Oh, and try not to get arrested. 5
krazikat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Have any of you done this. Did you get answers. Should you even try this. Well, I contacted the ow in my situation...first conversations she was talking to me like I was the ow, being very disrespectful and saying very horrible things, and lying. I knew some of the lies at first because I had seen some contradictory text messages. Then I later had a civil conversation with her, she was very emotional, still telling plenty of lies tho I am confident some truth was mixed in there, but my impression was that she was trying to get me to leave my wh. I do know there were lies even in the civil convo because by that point I had been given both of my husbands cell phones, had read multiple texts that completely contradicted things she was saying to me, and had spoken with a couple other people already that she tried to lie about...I actually feel very bad for her now, she is a mess, my h dropped her on dday after a 4+ year relationship. She chose to give her all to a married man, and it didnt turn out good for her, so she is hateful and angry right now... I am glad I tt her, it did help me sort out my feelings and helped confirm what my wh had told me. If you choose to tt om, just be prepared for the possibility of anger and lies, or even kindness with lies as a way to throw you off. Be sure you have some facts already so you can have a baseline knowledge...if I hadnt had that, I may have believed her and not decided r with my wh, because the things she said were hurtful, even after I knew they were lies I stilled felt doubt. Hang in there.
Try Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Should you even try this. Do not contact the OM at all. First, nothing is more pathetic then contacting another man to ask him to stop f**king your wife. Second, he is a cheater and cheaters lie, so you cannot believe anything that he says anyway. Finally, for many cheaters, part of the rush of having an affair with a married person is the feeling of superiority that it gives them over the affair partner's spouse; contacting him would validate that feeling of superiority in his mind and belittle you. He took what was yours from you. He knew all about you, but you did not know about him, thus his relationship with your spouse was the more honest and open one. You will be the weak one if you make contact with him. No good will come from contacting him. 2
Jonah Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 It didn't (and doesn't usually) accomplish much. I don't see anything wrong with it provided that you're prepared to take it with a grain of salt Oh, and try not to get arrested. true all that. A nameless faceless nobody. It wouldn't have happens if she wasn't ready for it. I didn't ask for "no contact". Just packed her things and gave her the nicest goodbye I could. she married 4 times since and now alone.
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I contacted the OM and it was a good thing in my case because it led to me learning the entire story, which I never would have found out about. The first time I called him(which wasn't as productive) was to question him separately from my WW to see if their stories matched. It was interesting to see my WW get hysterical and start screaming "Leave him alone LEAVE HIM ALONE!". The only way I got to talk to him in peace was if I let WW talk to him first. The managed to work out a lie between them in whispers before I talked to him I guess...they did what I didn't want: got their story straight. Anyway the hysteria was a big sign of more lying. Later when I found the truth in a Facebook conversation, I sent him an email telling him I knew that it hadn't been just one night and he had been lying. It took him a week, but he responded. This was after my wife had supposedly come "clean" and told me how the affair had started, the REAL story. My wife had still be lying...and she admitted his version was actually the truth. It showed me that 3 months of therapy had been complete bullspit. I had been looking for that boundary that they crossed... Nah, they had planned to start an affair, talked about it on the plane ride back from a conference. There you go. Her main concern was he wouldn't get her kicked out of the dojo. That's proof enough for me that she valued her martial art more than our marriage. To this day she denies that...but...yeah actions>words. I never would have really known what happened or how if I hadn't talked to OM, and been respectful as well. He eventually opened up and gave me what I needed to know. So it can be a good thing, but yeah, beware of lies. Oh he also apologized, expressed regret and remorse to me which helped a little as well. Of course it can't heal the wounds of a broken 14 year marriage/18 year relationship...but it was something. 3
dprtman09 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 OH YEAH! I knew the OM and I knew how to get a hold of him. Now, get this. If you do get a hold of him, he owes you nothing. I found out from this very forum and its members that he owed me nothing. He is not married to me, she is. He is not responsible to me or our marriage, she is. He has no motivation to make me happy, she does. It goes on and on. The point is that he will most likely say anything to rationalize his actions and will probably blame it all on her. In my case, he said, "I'm single", and I said, "But she's not". What was accomplished there? Near the end of the affair, he once threatened to "call the cops" if I was threatening him. I wasn't, but he would say anything to throw me off track. On the day that my wife decided that it was finally over, it was because he told me that he didn't think that she wanted to save the marriage and was very unhappy. I called her and told her this immediately and she replied, "How stupid is he!?". That was the only occasion where contacting him was productive. You will not get justice on or from the OM. He doesn't care what happens to you and you don't need to care what happens to him. He is enabling your wife to cheat because it makes him happy, not because it makes you sad. If you regain your wife, he loses nothing. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I got nothing but lies as he denied everything. However, his wife was a veritable font of information ;-) ... Mr. Lucky 2
dprtman09 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 By the way, this happened to me 5 years ago, and guess what: My wife and I are doing fine together. It was a BIG problem, though. 1
TheCollector Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 This is something that I did myself. The OM was one of my good friends before everything went down. About 10 months after d-day I contacted him. He apologized and said he has had to live with what he had done. His and her stories didn't add up but his version was worse than hers.... It did not give me definitive answers or peace of mind. Just furthered my confusion. 1
Author ejh Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for the info. It has been a long time ago and wife does not remember the details that I want. Not sure if it is a good idea or not. I just wanted to see what other experiences were out there.
dichotomy Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for the info. It has been a long time ago and wife does not remember the details that I want. I will bet she does remember them. 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks for the info. It has been a long time ago and wife does not remember the details that I want. Not sure if it is a good idea or not. I just wanted to see what other experiences were out there. Do what you need for the sake of closure. If you decide to contact the OM, don't expect too much. He might be ashamed or he might be proud of his conquest; be prepared for either response. FWIW - I've contacted my wife's OM indirectly years after the affair and I've never heard back from him. For my own mental health, I needed him to know that I knew. It ate me up thinking that he thought that he got away with it scot-free. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I am certain she remembers most everything. Even 3 years later I know when things happened. It might be a bit sketchy, but for the most part it's there and I could pinpoint it. She is probably protecting herself and maybe you as well (or she thinks she is). In the end, it's better to get it out. The secrets come back to bite you later. 1
CodeMonkey Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I passed a message along to the OM via email: "[My wife] says that deep down, you're a good and honorable man, so I want to try to believe that you are. Honorable men know that men need to act as brothers, and brothers need to look out for one another. Men need to respect and uphold the sanctity of marriage, and can not in good conscience take what rightfully belongs with someone else. I need you to act like an honorable man and do what's right instead of selfishly persisting to satisfy your desires without concern for the consequences to others. Your actions so far have contributed to nearly ending my marriage at a time when it was very vulnerable. As a result, I nearly lost the love of my life, who is my home, my best friend, and really, my everything. We have recommitted to our vows and our marriage to work through this difficult time and carry out the life we originally intended. So, I implore you as a good, honorable man to do what you know in your heart is the right thing and leave us to heal in peace. I'm sincerely sorry for you loss, and I have hope and faith that you will find the happiness you're looking for soon enough, somewhere else." ... and got the response ... "Mr. [CodeMonkey], I would like to start off by apologizing for any turmoil I caused in your life, it was not my intention. I don't know if I am an honorable man, I've questioned that myself over the last week. I will honor [her] request as long as she wishes. But I will tell you this, if she chooses to see or speak to me, there's not much else that you or anyone else can do to stop it. You ask me to do what is in my heart as the right thing, I don't think you would be too happy with that because my heart tells me to go to [your town] and get the woman I love. The only men that I have as Brothers are the ones I have bled with in combat, and you are not one of those men. I mean no disrespect to you sir and I wish you well in life. I'm just telling you how I feel and where I stand. Again, I apologize for whatever pain I caused you, I've never met you and harbor no ill will against you. But I love [her], and I cant change that..Nor do I want to....... Good luck." ... which to me, was a big middle finger couched in friendly, polite words. It's easy to mistake the respectful sounding words for the disrespectful content. So I believe, that in a perfect world, yes, contacting the AP should do some good - it makes you a real person with real feelings going through real anguish over their very real and selfish decisions. Ultimately, however, if they were the types of people who cared about the damage they were causing, they would not have tried to take what wasn't theirs to begin with. I don't think anyone should feel like they shouldn't contact the AP if they feel compelled to, but I think they should be prepared for the disappointment that will likely follow. 1
CodeMonkey Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'll respond in the thread I started about my own situation ("reconcilation woes").
Artie Lang Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 First, nothing is more pathetic then contacting another man to ask him to stop f**king your wife. totally agree. i'd tell his wife. all he'd get from me is a BEAT DOWN.
krazikat Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yeah OW/M's can be real d-bags. I remember my first contact with OW I left her a message to please stop seeing him that he had a family that needed and loved him. She ignored me and instead told H how sad she was because her and her dog deserved someone to be there for them all the time (apparently in her mind her dog trumped my kids), she needed a BF to do all the fun things couples do on Friday nights and it wasn't fair that she didn't get to have ALL of him. Ya, ow in my scenario was a real peach at first. I am sure she was shocked when i found and answered the secret affair phone. I saw pretty much dozens of missed calls. My h was asleep. I quietly took it outside on the porch and just as i sat down to look at the text messages it began to vibrate. She basically was a straight up b...asked if i liked the taste of her, uh, ya, that. And said all kinds of other things. Then told me to just put my husband on the phone....like that was going to happen! I had a few more colorful conversations with her. The next day she called my husband over and over, probably hundreds of times. He had asked her not to contact him, said he was staying with his family...but that did not stop her. He gave me his phones later and there was text after text from her saying she loved him so much and begging him to call her. He disconnected the phones, said it was the only way, even the number he had for like 12 years. I had another conversation where she said he was thinking of her when he had sex with me, well at this point i had seen the text messages between them...he had already ended it with her. So i reminded her they were over before i found out....she said she broke up with him because he hadnt left me when he said he would....so from there i let her talk and really she lied quite a bit. I do feel sorry for her...but have trouble understanding why a woman would sleep with a married man, let alone dedicate her world to him. In one of her messages to him she wrote that he was her world, that she wanted him mind soul and body, but never should have chased what was already gone....last time i talked to her she was crying. Really, affairs usually end badly...what is the appeal? I would never put myself in that position. Sorry, not meaning to hijack the thread....lol i guess that this topic is getting me all in my head?! 1
Mycatsnuggles Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I will tell you what happened when my H contacted my OM. H left several messages to OM. The first thing OM did before talking to my H was contact me, do you want your W to be in contact with him? We talked, he asked me to meet and I did. I was there with OM while he talked w my H. H lectured him how he shouldn't be sleeping with is wife, told him some exaggerated details, OM listened and gave no info, just as I asked him to. My h has never told me he contacted OM I am not sure what he felt he was going to get from the conversation. At first I didn't want OM to call but he said he needed to, he wanted to gage where H was. I think H just wanted to lecture him like he does to me. It wasn't attractive. Decide why your calling. If its to vent, go for it, if its to get information, I doubt a man will reveal anything.
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