indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 So I met this unbelievably gorgeous filipino girl who is 2 years older than me. I am 20, she is 22. She moved here after a breakup with her boyfriend in college and only completed 3 of her 4 years. We met on OKCupid not long after she arrived. English is her first language, as her father was in US Navy. We were so happy together. Like a movie, until i started to feel anxious about my friends i college that are having a lot of casual sex, etc. I went online and flirted and was caught once and forgiven. I, unbelievably stupidly, did it a second time. You don't have to tell me how stupid it was, biggest mistake of my life. I just don't have that much control I guess when sex in my head and I am alone. I never was with anyone, I just talked online with them. So now she wants to be in an open relationship with a French guy who is 25. We live in San Francisco. I am allowed to see people too but I am a guy so it is a lot of work and I am a premed student and part time EMT at a hospital so there is no time. She typically spends 2 nights a week with him and stays with me other than that. French guy does not know. She says we will be together after. Open relationship turns into a break according to her, there is no relationship, although we still stay together. She says she sees herself with me and I see her as my future wife. Having her turn cold towards me made me realize that she was the glue that held my life together. The French guy is leaving in a month for France but will be returning in October. She says she will be staying with him more frequently until he leaves and that we will be exclusive when he leaves, however she is unsure about when he returns. But once again she says she herself with me. I gave her an ultimatum to stop doing this or I would not be with her anymore. I said him or me if we want to be together. She would not choose. I was bluffing. I can't argue with anything she does because of what I did but I will do ANYTHING to make this right. She is the girl of my dreams. She said today that there is less passion between us and that I'm like a brother when we are intimate. This is because we have been living together for over a year and it is very informal. Advice? Do I have a chance? How can I win her back?
Mack05 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Seriously, you will read this post back in 5 years time and laugh your ass your off. You both have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. So did I at your age...You kids today crack me up. There is more chance of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama hooking up then you guys lasting the course..Move on buddy and enjoy your youth.. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 First of all visit a hospital and see whrther they do backbone implants. You're serioulsy in need of one. Two: never make ultimatums you can't stick to. That just turns you from a wimp into a doormat. Three: Why would you want a Filipino who phukks a Frenchman? And you're 'more like a brother'....? Ugh.... Would you mess with your sister? No, I thought not. This one is really not worth spending another moment thinking about. Cut your losses, leave, pack up, move on, shape up and ship out. Pronto. Not what you wanted to hear, I know. Well sorry - suck it up. You're gonna get plenty more of the same from others.....
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Let me point something out however. What we had before was indescribable. She is gorgeous, your mouth would drop to the floor if you saw her. We are both I would say attractive people. She has said I am much more physically attractive than him and there is more of a connection between us. She also said the sex was better with me. And she stopped having sex with him as I've stopped seeing people. Before there was so much passion and love. The way she looked at me... It gave me the strength to accomplish a lot post-high school. I'm making $20/hr at a hopsital job and have a 4.0. Complete 180 since high school. She gave me the strength and without her I feel unable to cope with the innumerable challenges ahead of me in this competitive world. I need her. With this new information maybe people will respond differently. Let me also mention that as I only recently began to work she paid 100% of the rent for us to stay together and has done everything for us to be close until I ****ed it up.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 The above justification makes no difference whatsoever. What you have just written is completely and utterly irrelevant. You don't 'need' her. She's treating you like a pile of crap. I repeat: First of all visit a hospital and see whether they do backbone implants. You're seriously in need of one. Two: never make ultimatums you can't stick to. That just turns you from a wimp into a doormat. Three: Why would you want a Filipino who phukks a Frenchman? And you're 'more like a brother'....? Ugh.... Would you mess with your sister? No, I thought not. This one is really not worth spending another moment thinking about. Cut your losses, leave, pack up, move on, shape up and ship out. Pronto. Bold text for emphasis.
OwlSoul Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 First of all, don't think she is the only one. Yes, she is felt to be the one right now, bc you've just broke up. Having her turn cold towards me made me realize that she was the glue that held my life together. Uh, try to understand that you think like this because it's the human psychology. You lost the control over the relationship. Losing control generates a lot of desire and love on your side, and getting colder in hers. I can't argue with anything she does because of what I did but I will do ANYTHING to make this right Uh, it is the dumper who should be making the efforts towards you, whereas you should concentrate on yourself. Here is a bad pill: She would not risk losing you after you made the ultimatum if she would consider you more attractive. This is because we have been living together for over a year and it is very informal. Nah, I do think it is because you're more interested. It is possible to maintain the passion for years. Advice? Do I have a chance? How can I win her back? I do believe there is always a chance to get back. But very little to stay together as a couple for years. Noone here can tell you whether you might get her back, since we would need to be inside of your skin. Try to listen to your intuition, meditiate, listen to yourself. If you're feeling like there is no chance, then there is none. If something inside of you says 'she will be back', then your inner 'I' sees something what you cannot see. As for advises... Pressuring the dumper (yes, I consider her as a dumper, since she is the one less interested) will cause her feeling guilty and sorry for you. You cannot love someone who is dependent on you emotionally after you both passed the honeymoon stage. Ultimatum is a very strong tool, but it gives no long-term effect. You cannot change her, so change yourself. So I would suggest you to focus your emotions on yourself. Gain some attractivity (gym, move up at work, hobby and etc.), but do not do it because of her. She will feel it straightaway and gain more control over you. 1
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 But isnt it somewhat justified for what I did? What I did was very wrong. Didn't I deserve this on some level? But I do think it is enough at this point. You don't know what this girl has done for me in the past. It is different now but still. She was a perfect girlfriend before. This girl was recruited for the Miss California Pageant and on top of that she is an amazing person. Forgive me if I can't let go
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Then quit posting. because nobody is going to tell you any different. You CAN let go. You just don't want to have to select that option. Fine, in that case, carry on dancing to her tune. if you're happy to be a second-best option she messes with - both physically AND mentally/Emotionally, keep doing what you're doing. If that's what really works for you, great. Trouble is - it's not, is it? And carrying on as you are won't change anything. You came here for advice. It's obvious you're highly resistant to doing "the right thing" because you keep presenting objections. Simply because you don't like what you're 'hearing' doesn't make us wrong, though. Sometimes the right things are the hardest. But they're still the right thing.
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I am in much better shape than he is. I am taller and better looking and have a career path that will be much more profitable than his. However he is done with school and I am not so in that sense he is more fun and currently has more income. The two of us were very compatible emotionally and the only reason that I am not is because of the envy that I feel and the pain. With him out of the picture I am better in every way. But I can't hide the pain. So all of you think that this situation is not justified by my past behavior?
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Past can never justify present. What you did may well have appeared silly, but you talking on line is certainly not matched by her screwing someone else. Please - it's like saying if I slap someone, them coming after me with a machete is all square. Are you actually not able to see the evaluation is utterly screwed? Honey - get real.
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I am taller, more muscular and well sculpted than him and pretty just in general more attractive physically. She says that he makes her happier but, to me this is because of the burden I put on her about all this that makes it not "fun" anymore. But that isn't the real me. In normal conditions I do think that I'm a lot of fun. We did a cross country road trip together in which I did all the driving and had an itinerary down to the hour. Her love for me before was so strong.. I can't give up
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 last one. last time i will try to argue with her. when I was talking to people I was trying to have sex with them but it didnt happen. And I lied about being in a relationship
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 ....when I was talking to people I was trying to have sex with them but it didnt happen. ...Whereas she has made her intentions to have sex with both of you abundantly clear - and real. And I lied about being in a relationship So has she. He has no idea she's doing this - has he?
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 no he doesn't. she has said she doesn't want me to stay with her anymore until he leaves
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I don't know... I don't agree with it either and she has been dishonest with me a few times and I had to get details out of her. But in this period of 10 weeks or so of seeing him she has only had sex with him 3 times and has done so with me as much if not more. But recently she does not with either me or him
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Oh that's cool... so, not only does she want a double-phukk life - she also gets to call the shots when you can be around and when you should absent yourself? Neat. Of course, in your shoes, I'd pay her a visit when it's his turn to be around and tell him exactly what the deal is, mon brave.....
Author indigo2012 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 she would leave me if i did that. although i do have an inclination to do so
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 DO IT!! If it means she leaves you - then you're all the better off for it!! If she leaves you, what worth do you think she gives your relationship in the first place? God, she really has got you pinned firmly under her little Filipino thumb, hasn't she...? Gracious, this is actually quite pathetic and sad. Don't you see this?
Author indigo2012 Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 yes, but that is how much I love her. Knowing how much she means to me now I believe we could rebuild this. I fired the first shot, so to speak
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 You don't love her. we cannot truly call an emotion towards an abusive and controlling person, 'true love'. This is a dependent obsession. Your fixation with her, and entrenched belief that without her you are nothing is a clear abdication of personal power. you have become a lesser person, because your emotions are being bled dry by a manipulator who is abusing your regard for her. This isn't love. it's neediness, and as such, extremely unhealthy. It has descended to dangerous levels, because in spite of having her horrendous and abusive faults pointed out to you - you are still insisting the greater fault is yours and that she is justified in her behaviour. Any reasonable-minded individual can tell you that you are wholly incorrect. THIS - more than any other reason - is why you need to extricate yourself from this situation. How can you ever hope to become a medic, making life-or-death decisions perhaps, when you have so readily abdicated who you are to someone so twisted and poisonous? This situation is toxic. It's choking the 'you' out of you. And you - have to get out of there, now.
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