macy Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I'm visit the site often and get good advice and benefit from reading the threads. I'm recently divorced(finalized at the end of Feb) after a long separation. Ex cheated on me several times and I forgave and tired to forget but it didn't work. I'm a pretty strong girl (well "old" girl 40 years old lol) and have tried very hard to work through the very painful divorce and trauma of it all. It's a roller coaster many times. I thought I was making great strides then found out the ex was dating a younger girl and has brought her around our kids on his weekend visits. It honestly set me back in my healing process. I found all those sad feelings of loss come back. We were married 16 years. It's not jealousy per say... I don't want him back because there are obviously issues with him and fidelity. More just sadness and loss. I hide my sadness from the kids and most people really. Is this normal? I really want to get over these horrible feelings for good. Maybe I never will, I don't know. Does all this get easier???
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Have you had bereavement counselling? Seriously, after all the business stuff and legal arrangements are over, the adrenalin dies down and the emotions kick in. NOW is the time you might benefit from a little professional support.....
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I haven't but maybe I should. Thanks. I guess I've had the "put my big girl pants on" mentality thinking I'd be fine. Most of the time I am. Sometimes I'm not.
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 You don't so much get over it? Nor deal with it per say? You just learn to live with it! Its hard for me to describe ~ as there's no mutual point of reference for me and you ~ my having gone through it? You could ask me what "its" like having a bullet whizzing by the side of your head? Or what its like to have have a motor round coming in or to experience the receiving end of an artillery barrage? Just as a man I could ask, "What's "IT" like being pregno and giving birth? There's NO way I can ever find the words to describe such! But YES! It does get better, you learn from it, you grow in so many ways you never imagine possible ~ menatally ~ physically ~ emotionally ~ SPIRITUALLY ~ as a Spiritual Being. You learn how to give, how to love, how to appreciate, you notice and pay attention to the small things, you see things and appreciate things that you once never paid attention to? Things that onced matter ~ don't matter so much? Things that once didn't matter ~ MATTER A LOT! Mr. Johnny is an example. Mr Johnny is an old guy in his 70's or so? He goes to Walmart and sits on the front bench by the enterance? There was a time in my life I would just blow him off and go about my business? Now I take the time to just sit with him and shoot the breeze with Mr. Johnny! We "High Five" and all that jive? It may even be just five mintues ~ but he likes that Gunny checks in on him from time to time ~ takes to the time to just freaking acknowledge he's still alive and kicking. I kind of like to know that he gets to know ~ "WTF! Gunny gives a damn about me!" And Yea I do! The World is going to get a lot smaller for me once I go to Walmart and Mr. Johnny isn't there! 1
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 That makes perfect sense. I do feel like I've grown so much. I have looked inward and recognize things that I could have done better. I know that his cheating isn't really about me... More about him and his own emptiness. I think you're right you learn to live with it. And, hopefully we can learn from the pain too. I'm trying. When I'm ready to date and move on I want so much to not bring resentment from this with me. It's such a process. Such a life changing ordeal. Thank you for making me feel "normal" (ha), and it is a comfort to know you aren't alone. 1
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 The World is going to get a lot smaller for me once I go to Walmart and Mr. Johnny isn't there! Scratch THAT! The world is going to get a whole lot smaller for me ONCE Mr Johnny is no longer a part of my life! For me? Its not so much a question of my having Mrs. Gunny as its her having me? I'm a mess! And more than a handful to deal with and live with! Being a Marine is hard! But being the wife of a Marine is the HARDEST job in the Marine Corps! It takes a EXTRA SPECIAL WOMAN to put up with a me, myself, and I!
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I bet Mr. Johnny cherishes your visits! People need to know they matter. It's the small things that mean so much! 1
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I was a military wife for 16 years so I know!! I have my own career but its no easy job as a military spouse. :-)
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 That makes perfect sense. I do feel like I've grown so much. I have looked inward and recognize things that I could have done better. I know that his cheating isn't really about me... More about him and his own emptiness. I think you're right you learn to live with it. And, hopefully we can learn from the pain too. I'm trying. When I'm ready to date and move on I want so much to not bring resentment from this with me. It's such a process. Such a life changing ordeal. Thank you for making me feel "normal" (ha), and it is a comfort to know you aren't alone. I'm not religious in that I don't put a lot of stock into organized religion? But I'm VERY spiritual! I'm putting myself behind God and His Son Jesus Christ! That's the way I roll! Just to give you some back frame reference about me! I know your in a World of Hurt right now, and your stumbbling and fumbling just to get through the "Goal Posts" of Life. Your life has been turned upside down, right-side out etc? But there is Life After Divorce! Its a Mother-Trucker, it sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy in Life! (BTW ~ I don't have any that I know of?)
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either. There has to be life after this. What choice do we have? Thanks for your thoughts. You are wise. Very helpful.
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either. There has to be life after this. What choice do we have? Thanks for your thoughts. You are wise. Very helpful. Divorce? Its one of those "E" tickets ride from Hell, where you've just got to Get In! Sit down! Shut Up! Hang On! And just 'white knuckle "IT" with a death grip!" all the way down to its end! LOL! "IT" ~ just two letters! Is a very powerfull word! There are those that don't get "It" And there are those that do! Once you've gone through "IT" ~ GOT "IT"!!!!!!!!! Will NEVER forget "IT" But those that have never gone through "IT" Can and never will get "IT!" 2
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 While I'm in my Webester Dictionary mode? My definition of the word "IF" "IF" grasshoppers had .45 caliber pistols? Crows wouldn't eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner! But they don't ~ and so they do! Don't come to me talking about "IF"
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 You are wise. Very helpful. I'm just passing down the knowledege and wisdom of Master Gunnery Sergeant Duncan, Yesyankia, Vesina, ~ Col Christie, Cuthchail, Gen. Zinni, and many others to include here at LoveShack.org
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 "It"- Those who have never experienced IT will never get IT. This is true. When you have friends and family who are still married and never been divorced it can be very hard for them to understand the loss and pain. I think it's important to reflect with people that have and understand. Circumstances are always different but in the end the pain is the same. Hard not to best yourself up and feel worthless where you once had self-worth. If that makes sense. Talking/writing helps me. Hearing words, like yours, helps me.
Author macy Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Your grasshopper analogy made me think. Are you saying accept things for what they are? Don't mess around with the what if's and if's in life? 1
Gunny376 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 There are those that are faced with this and that? Unsurrormitable odds? Those that stand against any and all odds. There's survirors ~ and then there are stupid, ignorant, bull headed, don't give a damn, stubborn idiots, against all odds, fools like me? There's a word for people like me? MARINES!
Dreamless Sleep Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Macy, I too have pain from my ex. She cheated. I left. I miss my life and family. But it was and is a fantasy. This Easter weekend my ex took my 3 kids to her guys house for the weekend for the first time. I want to hear that the kids had an awful time. That's terrible of me. My relationship with my ex is past. I should hope the kids can enjoy time with her and with me and my future mate. But it sucks. I hope you're ok. I hope this passes for me as well.
Caldespair Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Macy I know how u feel. My long term marriage ending , and life kind goes along, seems the worst of the pain is behind me and then, bam!, something hits you and makes u feel low and all those bad feelings. Today my sbxw sent a harmless happy Easter e mail to my parents in their mid 80's. They mentioned it to me and I got the low sad feelings. My perhaps erratic thinking is, okay, you pull the plug on my family, house, life, and you believe my parents don't know what pain and suffering u have caused my son? My sbxw believes all is good between my parents and her? Who does she think she is? My parents are very kind gentle people, who once cared for my sbxw but stand firmly with me and my kids. I know sounds childish, but some emotions are just what they are 1
Shocked Suzie Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I'm visit the site often and get good advice and benefit from reading the threads. I'm recently divorced(finalized at the end of Feb) after a long separation. Ex cheated on me several times and I forgave and tired to forget but it didn't work. I'm a pretty strong girl (well "old" girl 40 years old lol) and have tried very hard to work through the very painful divorce and trauma of it all. It's a roller coaster many times. I thought I was making great strides then found out the ex was dating a younger girl and has brought her around our kids on his weekend visits. It honestly set me back in my healing process. I found all those sad feelings of loss come back. We were married 16 years. It's not jealousy per say... I don't want him back because there are obviously issues with him and fidelity. More just sadness and loss. I hide my sadness from the kids and most people really. Is this normal? I really want to get over these horrible feelings for good. Maybe I never will, I don't know. Does all this get easier??? It's that sadness feeling I get too every now and then, it's awful! I just think when we begin to find new relationships and more happiness these feelings will lessen but think will never go fully away. Fully understand how you feel, I hate it when the slightest thing can unsettle and knock you! I wish I could just eliminate him from my life but sadly it's not possible... I can cope with most of the knocks I get, but when I see it impacting on my kids I find it very hard... So selfish! I hope one day karma kicks in for their self-centered actions... Big hugs
Shocked Suzie Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) Macy I know how u feel. My long term marriage ending , and life kind goes along, seems the worst of the pain is behind me and then, bam!, something hits you and makes u feel low and all those bad feelings. Today my sbxw sent a harmless happy Easter e mail to my parents in their mid 80's. They mentioned it to me and I got the low sad feelings. My perhaps erratic thinking is, okay, you pull the plug on my family, house, life, and you believe my parents don't know what pain and suffering u have caused my son? My sbxw believes all is good between my parents and her? Who does she think she is? My parents are very kind gentle people, who once cared for my sbxw but stand firmly with me and my kids. I know sounds childish, but some emotions are just what they are Harmless more like tackless!Your also not being childish! These people's actions, behaviours never cease to amaze me! My parents thought the world of my XH but after how he has been & what he has done they would be pretty put out with any form of contact from him! Edited April 1, 2013 by Shocked Suzie 1
FazedOut Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 My dad loved my H.It took almost 20 years, but when he finally let go & trusted him...he bails 5 years later.And I mean my dad LOVED this guy, favoring him over me at times!!My dad has lost so many people after finally trusting them. Anyway, H called my dad last week before my dad had heart surgery. I hear the call was strained, with long pauses. WTF did he expect?! The cluelessness of these people & their actions drives me completely insane !!
Author macy Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Dreamless Sleep, I hope things are better for you. It's such an adjustment and hard on the heart. My ex went from this girlfriend popping up to now marrying her in a month. My kids are hurt and confused, of course. Such a stupid decision on his part. I was doing ok now it's brought back heartache again. It'll be ok though. I'll get through this too. New territory.
Author macy Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Caldespair, selfish people don't think about how others feel. I think they want their behavior to be "okay" to everyone, including themselves. You are very right....Feelings and emotions are just what they are. I believe in feeling them and moving through them. Not hiding and denying. Good for your own mental health. Divorce is brutal! 1
Author macy Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Shocked S- I dream of the day when none of this effects me. I think it always will but hopefully less and less. We have to stay positive. Healthy kids is my focus. Life is still good. Not going to let him steal all my happiness. Yes, karma will and does find its way. I fully believe that!
Author macy Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 FazedOut- I think your H better take long pauses and strained as Grace! He should be grateful he didn't get an earful and hung up on. ;-)
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