Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 And you don't know for sure whether they've truly "settled" for someone below what they really preferred. In several cases... I REALLY do know that. Again, on my ex room-mate. He was a pretty picky guy, he'd only go for certain types of girls. He told me plenty times what things turn him off... yet funnily, those things exactly describe his current GF. He went through a big dry spell and began to get depressed about it. He was very very low indeed and when this girl turned up, he clung on for dear life, because he gave up persuing what he wanted when he wasn't finding her.
mortensorchid Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Unfortunately that is how it is. When someone meets a new bf/gf they vanish in order to be with that other person more, because they would rather spend more time with them. Married? Well, then they are together period. Whatever you do in life, do not lash out because you are jealous that they have someone and you don't. I will not offer a pat on the head and say "your time will come" and "it will happen when you least expect it", because that's what everyone says and it's lame. True? I guess, otherwise why do people keep saying it?
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I wouldn't want to hang out with you if you were referring to the person I love and/or me in those terms, either. Most my married friends are very happy. I've been divorced but I can look around me and see love is real! I take your point. Obviously I'm expressing my feelings here, I'm not saying it to anyones face. In a couple of cases, my friends were the ones initiating the bad vibes with comments on my singleness so I backed off a lot, I really don't want or need people like that as friends. But again... I'm not dismissing love. Even these same friends have dated some WONDERFUL people in the past and I was really happy for them. But even at that, having been with such great people and not being able to keep them, seems to have made them "just settle" for the next thing that came along for fear of it ending or them not being able to attain someone of equal quality of their ex. Seems off to me. I feel like dating is a process, you keep improving as you go. If someone wasn't right for you, you want the next person to be better as you've learned reasons why the last one didn't work... ... it doesn't makes sense to go backwards and downgrade for securities sake. Longterm its going to be anywhere near actual true love which they gave up on looking for.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Unfortunately that is how it is. When someone meets a new bf/gf they vanish in order to be with that other person more, because they would rather spend more time with them. Married? Well, then they are together period. Whatever you do in life, do not lash out because you are jealous that they have someone and you don't. I will not offer a pat on the head and say "your time will come" and "it will happen when you least expect it", because that's what everyone says and it's lame. True? I guess, otherwise why do people keep saying it? Eh, man... I think you missed like 4 pages of this thread. I'm not jealous... I DON'T WANT WHAT THEY HAVE. I'm not desperate for a partner at all.. I'm having way too much fun. And I understand this is what happens. But who gives them the right to make horrible comments and snide remarks about me being a "disaster" because I don't meet their ideal of being settled down at 28? I don't want to be... not with just ANYONE anyway, just for the sake of settling down with someone. I'll settle down when I have found someone I feel I no longer need to look anywhere else.
NeoGen85 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm in the opposite boat, most of my male friends are dating women in or above their league who they are very happy with feels bad man I know how you feel. Whether my friends are dating hotties or not they are pretty much happy. I do envy them to a degree. My best friend got married to a very attractive Peruvian woman who matches his eccentric personality. Another friend of mine is dating a a beautiful Italian girl who has a black belt in Taekwondo(that is awesome) and will play the Playstation with him. Another friend of mine has a girlfriend who uplifts and takes care him which has made him do a complete 180 in his life. And I hardly ever get to see them! I will admit that all of them have tried to set me up with someone.
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 are you serious? How do you TRULY know that they have settled? To them, they could be the luckiest guys in the world. Your outlook and bitterness is sad. Just because your friends are with women YOU find un-attractive doesn't mean they don't find them that way. I agree with xxoo, perhaps your disdain of them shows even if you don't say it.
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Eh, man... I think you missed like 4 pages of this thread. I'm not jealous... I DON'T WANT WHAT THEY HAVE. I'm not desperate for a partner at all.. I'm having way too much fun. And I understand this is what happens. But who gives them the right to make horrible comments and snide remarks about me being a "disaster" because I don't meet their ideal of being settled down at 28? I don't want to be... not with just ANYONE anyway, just for the sake of settling down with someone. I'll settle down when I have found someone I feel I no longer need to look anywhere else. Who gives you the right to say they all "settled"? 1
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I take your point. Obviously I'm expressing my feelings here, I'm not saying it to anyones face. In a couple of cases, my friends were the ones initiating the bad vibes with comments on my singleness so I backed off a lot, I really don't want or need people like that as friends. But again... I'm not dismissing love. Even these same friends have dated some WONDERFUL people in the past and I was really happy for them. But even at that, having been with such great people and not being able to keep them, seems to have made them "just settle" for the next thing that came along for fear of it ending or them not being able to attain someone of equal quality of their ex. Seems off to me. I feel like dating is a process, you keep improving as you go. If someone wasn't right for you, you want the next person to be better as you've learned reasons why the last one didn't work... ... it doesn't makes sense to go backwards and downgrade for securities sake. Longterm its going to be anywhere near actual true love which they gave up on looking for. Fundamentally, you have a different value system than them. You sound like a GIGS kind of person always trading up or trying to. THEY sound like they are ready to explore what commitment means. Even if it isn't with their 'fantasy' person... which to ME, is the mark of maturity. They might even find the kind of happiness you really think is impossible unless you have said 'fantasy' person. Who knows?? Anyway... You and your friend's value systems don't sound in alignment anymore. Time to find a new circle of friends... ones who believe in the BBD.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Fundamentally, you have a different value system than them. You sound like a GIGS kind of person always trading up or trying to. THEY sound like they are ready to explore what commitment means. Even if it isn't with their 'fantasy' person... which to ME, is the mark of maturity. They might even find the kind of happiness you really think is impossible unless you have said 'fantasy' person. Who knows?? Anyway... You and your friend's value systems don't sound in alignment anymore. Time to find a new circle of friends... ones who believe in the BBD. I'm not sure whats gigs or bdd's are to be honest but I'm guessing they are personality labels? Look, it's not about "always trying to trade up". But if I've been with a girl who has X quality and I know that didn't work well with us, then next time I'm more likely to give things a shot with a girl who has Y quality. It might not be a "trade up" to everyone but since I know that makes for a happier relationship for me and the woman involved then it's a "trade up" to me, and that makes sense to me. As far as value systems go you are right, these are no longer friends. I don't expect a guy who meets a girl to do guys night 3 times a week but I expect him to remain a friend, even if we don't see each other much. Otherwise, it was never much of a friendship to begin with? I've been in relationships, I might be out less but I make time to see or chat to a friend once in a while. I also don't berate them for being single. I've left these friends long behind and am much better for it. But I repeat my stories which nobody has answered yet. Case 1) My old roommate, she has cheated on him, she uses him to ge things, treats him like dirt but knows he's too insecure to leave. I know HE feels happy. All he wants is a relationship and is willing to be mistreated just to have it, but would YOU want that? Would YOU be truely happy in that relationship?? Surely not?? Case 2) The girl who lablled me a disaster. Again, why is this acceptable? I'm really happy where I am now. I have the best life I've had in a long time. I'm dating a lot. I'm going out a lot, I'm doing really well in my career. I feel great so why a "disaster". This same girl has written a "plan". It's not in her plan to be single at our age. She has gone through numerous guys in our group and tried to "fix" them into the BF she wanted but most of the guys got out. The one she is with now is a guy who's never gotten girls so he just submits and does what she says, he looks like a broken man, he's just happy not to be single. But for his sake, wouldn't a better relationship to be not dominated and "fixed" by a girl. He's a good guy, just shy around women always. And or her... wouldn't it be better to meet a guy who matches your ideals... not just saying "I must have a longterm boyfriend by 28, it doesn't matter who, its not in my plan to be single... i'll just get a guy and "fix" him. Do these REALLY seem like proper healthy relationships? They really don't to me. And YES, I KNOW THEY ARE ALL HAPPY, but only because their only want seems to be to not be alone, not to actually have a quality relationship with no regrets.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 If they are happy... why do you care? I care that anyone would be so judgemental. I am happy with my life. I meet and date some great girls yet I am labelled a "disaster" for no settling down long ago with someone I wasn't happy with. I've still yet to hear a decent answer? Why is it acceptable to label someone like this? I don't know. I just expected a little better from "friends" I guess...
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I care that anyone would be so judgemental. I am happy with my life. I meet and date some great girls yet I am labelled a "disaster" for no settling down long ago with someone I wasn't happy with. I've still yet to hear a decent answer? Why is it acceptable to label someone like this? I don't know. I just expected a little better from "friends" I guess... Aren't you being just as judgmental though? Maybe your friends see more than you are telling us.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Who cares if they "settle". If they're happy then good for them. I don't think love is real, so as long as somebody makes you happy, go for it. Well, it's their lives... It's nothing to me in the end who they end up with. Maybe its just because I tend to be a perfectionist... I don't like when things are "just ok"... why settle for an "ok" life when you can have the one you want with a little work? Maybe it's just me. Most folks just seem happy to be with anyone at all.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Aren't you being just as judgmental though? Maybe your friends see more than you are telling us. Whether I find a friends partner attractive or not is no big deal to me. If they are happy then I would be happy for them. TBH, relationships began to sour when they began outwardly attacking me for being single... so first blow to them really. I'll admit, after that, I really began to see some of them for what they were. I just don't believe a true friend would act that way. If someone would judge me in that way though then I tend to look at what I'm being judged against... THEIR relationship? Well, if I feel Im not missing out, then I'm not gonna feel bad about their insults. Had they not brought it up we'd have continued to be friends and I'd consider them better people to have not changed their attitudes towards a friends just because they now consider themselves "better" somehow. So... I guess we just disagree. I don't think I should just accept their insults and label because they consider themselves better for having something I do not care to have. A friend wouldn't do that.
kaylan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 are you serious? How do you TRULY know that they have settled? To them, they could be the luckiest guys in the world. Your outlook and bitterness is sad. Just because your friends are with women YOU find un-attractive doesn't mean they don't find them that way. I agree with xxoo, perhaps your disdain of them shows even if you don't say it. Ive been friends with people like the OP describes. Some of them you can just tell based on how they swoon for people that arent their partners. And some outright tell you that they didnt get everything they wanted, but that their partner is really nice. Yeah....nice...thats how I want a girl to describe me
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Dude... Almost every relationship eventually turns to just "ok". The honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. ... because they settled for someone who really does nothing for them. Once the "newness" wears off they see the person in their real light. So why go there?
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Well, it's their lives... It's nothing to me in the end who they end up with. Maybe its just because I tend to be a perfectionist... I don't like when things are "just ok"... why settle for an "ok" life when you can have the one you want with a little work? Maybe it's just me. Most folks just seem happy to be with anyone at all. Have you ever been in a serious relationship? I can't think of anyone who would marry someone just because they happened to be "there". Ever think that maybe what you are looking for is a unicorn? Perfect in every way but not real? 1
kaylan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 OP is right though. The people who put you down for being single, generally are envious of your freedom and your ability to still find that girl who ticks all the right boxes.
kaylan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Have you ever been in a serious relationship? I can't think of anyone who would marry someone just because they happened to be "there". Ever think that maybe what you are looking for is a unicorn? Perfect in every way but not real? Can I direct you to the marriage and divorce forum? Hell, I could google a number of threads for you on other sites. Or I can introduce you to friends of mine who dragged out relationships with people they werent entirely happy with. A lot of people settle. Some are smart enough not to marry that person though.
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 ... because they settled for someone who really does nothing for them. Once the "newness" wears off they see the person in their real light. So why go there? No. I am beginning to wonder myself if you have ever actually been in a LOVING true relationship with someone, where things aren't always perfect, but you work together through the bad times and still would rather wake up next to them every morning. Seeing someone in "their real light" doesn't mean that person ends up taking off some mask and is hideous and terrible, it just means they are human.
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Can I direct you to the marriage and divorce forum? Hell, I could google a number of threads for you on other sites. Or I can introduce you to friends of mine who dragged out relationships with people they werent entirely happy with. A lot of people settle. Some are smart enough not to marry that person though. Your attitude is always winning kaylan. So what are you saying? That everyone who marries is settling though. People get married, some get divorced, some don't. Just because a marriage doesn't work out doesn't mean they settled. As a divorcee I can say I was very much so happy and in love when I got married, life can bring about the unexpected and not everything is always a fairytale. Mine didn't work out, but that doesn't mean I settled when I married that man.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 No. I am beginning to wonder myself if you have ever actually been in a LOVING true relationship with someone, where things aren't always perfect, but you work together through the bad times and still would rather wake up next to them every morning. Seeing someone in "their real light" doesn't mean that person ends up taking off some mask and is hideous and terrible, it just means they are human. Of course I have. But cheating, using, verbal and mental abuse? Somethings in these relationships that this thread is about all include. Not things I'm willing to work through, I deserve better. Its sad other don't. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Of course I have. But cheating, using, verbal and mental abuse? Somethings in these relationships that this thread is about all include. Not things I'm willing to work through, I deserve better. Its sad other don't. SO you are saying that all of your friends are with women who cheat, use, and/or are verbally or mentally abusive? If you are now switching over to talk about people who are in THOSE types of relationships, that is an entirely different topic.
kaylan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Your attitude is always winning kaylan. So what are you saying? That everyone who marries is settling though. People get married, some get divorced, some don't. Just because a marriage doesn't work out doesn't mean they settled. As a divorcee I can say I was very much so happy and in love when I got married, life can bring about the unexpected and not everything is always a fairytale. Mine didn't work out, but that doesn't mean I settled when I married that man. Did I say everyone settles? No I did not. I was responding to your statement "I can't think of anyone who would marry someone just because they happened to be 'there'." I was saying that a good portion of people do just marry someone because they are there and its time to settle down.
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Did I say everyone settles? No I did not. I was responding to your statement "I can't think of anyone who would marry someone just because they happened to be 'there'." I was saying that a good portion of people do just marry someone because they are there and its time to settle down. I can honestly say I have never met a single one of those people. You are saying that because marriages don't work out it automatically means they married purely out of convenience.
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