Crila16 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 First off...you are WAY too young to be married. OMG...please don't do it until you're in your mid to late 30's. There should actually be a law that says you can't marry until you're out of your 30's. Second...you should be proud of yourself that you didn't settle. Sit back and watch as your impatient friends who fell to the pressures of society, end up with many miseries and regrets. I don't know why people get desperate at such a young age and cling onto the first thing that comes along...I'm older, and I've been proposed to 4 times. I've said no all 4 times. I never settled, and never will. I'm glad you're not either.
Joaquin Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I'd say half of every couple settle. People get tired as well. Running around single trying to get laid is exhausting work. Getting to know someone new is tiring. Jebus even getting laid is beginning to take it out of me. I think I need a holiday. 3
Author Estate Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 What if they don't feel like they are settling? Just because you don't happen to agree with their choices of partner doesn't mean that they are settling at all. Of course they don't FEEL they settled but how TRUELY happy are they. Read back to page 2 about my ex-roommate. How happy can he really be? His girlfriend is with him to buy her stuff. He gave up a huge apartment downtown which he REALLY wanted to move miles from anywhere (he's not really a 'burbs kinda guy). She cheats on him, in clear view of everyone he knows at a party. She's keeps her ex of 2 years ago still on the scene. She berates him publicly and privately constantly. She sulks if anything is not her way (which is everything). She's pretty unattractive by anyones standards. Has a terrible outlook on life, gets along with nobody. Made him give up all his friends as she does not like them. etc....etc...etc... I mean... would YOU truely be happy with this? But it's these peoples mindsets. Somewhere in his head his is not thinking "Is this right? Is this what a relationship should be? Is she who I really want and deserve? Should I have to go through all this?"... He is thinking "Oh my god, I better cling to this for dear life, or I will never meet another girl" It's the abundance mentality, you have it or you don't. And when you don't, it can lead people down paths they really shouldn't have to.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Of course they don't FEEL they settled but how TRUELY happy are they. Read back to page 2 about my ex-roommate. How happy can he really be? His girlfriend is with him to buy her stuff. He gave up a huge apartment downtown which he REALLY wanted to move miles from anywhere (he's not really a 'burbs kinda guy). She cheats on him, in clear view of everyone he knows at a party. She's keeps her ex of 2 years ago still on the scene. She berates him publicly and privately constantly. She sulks if anything is not her way (which is everything). She's pretty unattractive by anyones standards. Has a terrible outlook on life, gets along with nobody. Made him give up all his friends as she does not like them. etc....etc...etc... I mean... would YOU truely be happy with this? But it's these peoples mindsets. Somewhere in his head his is not thinking "Is this right? Is this what a relationship should be? Is she who I really want and deserve? Should I have to go through all this?"... He is thinking "Oh my god, I better cling to this for dear life, or I will never meet another girl" It's the abundance mentality, you have it or you don't. And when you don't, it can lead people down paths they really shouldn't have to. Don't be so concerned with what they are choosing or not choosing. Yeah it sounds like she sucks. One of my good guy friends is also dating a girl none of us can stand but it's like in some f*cked up way he's happy with it. His life. When it comes to matters of the heart these things rarely make sense. 1
ltjg45 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 His girlfriend is with him to buy her stuff. He gave up a huge apartment downtown which he REALLY wanted to move miles from anywhere (he's not really a 'burbs kinda guy). She cheats on him, in clear view of everyone he knows at a party. She's keeps her ex of 2 years ago still on the scene. She berates him publicly and privately constantly. She sulks if anything is not her way (which is everything). She's pretty unattractive by anyones standards. Has a terrible outlook on life, gets along with nobody. Made him give up all his friends as she does not like them. etc....etc...etc... Sometimes I wonder where the logic is when he decides to stay in such a relationship. Even feelings of the heart can't ignore all of those "Get the hell away from her!" signs. She better be offering the best sex anyone who ever lived on this planet to compensate for that crap.
mtber75 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Watch out, Estate is in rant mode... So the last of my friends has hitched up and disappeared off the face of the planet. On the face of it, I'm supposed to be envious, I'm supposed to want what they have. And I'll admit, I'd love to be in a relationship. I'd love to be with a girl who I am completely in love with but I'm not going to do that with just ANYONE and I'm not going to not enjoy myself until that comes along. But I look at every one of my close friends. They have just shut up shop, and disappeared off the face of the earth. I look at the men and women they are with and I am just NOT envious. Every one of them has settled. They are not with the person they longed for all the time that I knew them. My old room-mate moved out last year to move in with a girl who is un-attractive, not his type and generally treats him like dirt. Another friend has shaked up with a girl who basically approached him on the subway, then doubled in weight in just over a year together. Another friend rebounded hard after breaking up with a terrific girl and got a girl pregnant and married her, a real downgrade from what he had. Another girl I know settled for basically the clown of our group, but she's a "fixer", she will be in a relationship at all times no matter what, no matter who, she just tries to mold these guys into what she wants. 4 other friends have gotten engaged in the past year to some of the most over-weight hideous girls I've ever met in my life. The list goes on... The "fixer" girl lately branded me as a "disaster" for being 28 and single... yet I wouldn't give up what I have for what she has for the world. But I don't fit her mold. She wants the ring, it doesn't matter who the guy is, as long as it fits her "plan".... yes, she has written a "plan"... But not one of them are with the person they wanted. These are men and women who are dating WELL below their own standards and most are either engaged or bordering it jsut because we have all reached our late twenties and seem to figure, that is their lot in life. They look down up me and the few other singletons in our group have been pressured into bad relationship because of how much we are looked down upon. But why do people have no spine? Why do their have no backbone? Why do their not go after what they want and deserve? Why are they happy to be in miserable relationships with people they are not truely happy to be with? Why do they look down on people who go after what they REALLY want in life? And lastly... why do they disappear off the face of the earth? Especially guys... if these girls ever left them they will be right back, looking for friends, looking to go out, looking for shoulders to cry on.... yet when they were in a relationship, they looked down on friends like me, they ignored friends like me... yet expect friends like me to be there, if, ever... they came to their senses. Ugh... rant over for now. Dude, I think you should get some new friends? They look down on you for being single yet they are in relationships with bunch of bitches/sea hags who are nothing to brag about...Those are some motivations to get hitched Sigh! Start going out more often and socializing with positive people! They disappear because those sea hags/bitches that they are with forbids your friends from seeing their single friends like yourself! Same thing happen to me.
kaylan Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 To your last point.... That's what happens, and I've seen it a million times. People get into their late 20s, and a couple of their friends get married, and then a couple more, and then it turns into musical chairs as everybody scrambles to find somebody. It's an eductor effect. People just get sucked into the cycle by familial and societal pressures, they glom on to somebody, anybody, get married, move out to the suburbs and commence to live the most banal, unpoetic lives imaginable. I will never ever settle. Id rather feel something fleeting through short term flings throughout my 30s and 40s, rather than be in a marriage with a woman I dont 100% adore. Both options would leave me not feeling emotionally fulfilled, but Id feel more satisfied with the former option. Settling is just...ugh.
Woggle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Settling to me is a vague term. I know nothing in life is ever going to be 100% perfect or bump free so am I settling because I accept this fact. I am 100% truly in love with my wife but I never judge life compared to some unrealistic romantic movie.
Woggle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 That's cause you're a man. No. It's because I know the difference between reality and fantasy. Getting mad because your life is not like some romantic movie is like getting mad because you can't fly like Superman. Life is not a movie.
Woggle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Doubt it. And if he is now, its just a matter of time before he isn't. But you're right....you can't do anything about it. Really, the only thing you can do is get some betting action going with your other friends on how long the relationship lasts. He might be happy in some sick sort of way. I have learned that many people really do have some sick addiction to dysfunctional situations. 1
Author Estate Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 4 times? You just sound like a picky princess. How many cats do you own? Wow, man, creepy! Why should she spend her ENTIRE LIFE with someone just because they proposed?
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 First off...you are WAY too young to be married. OMG...please don't do it until you're in your mid to late 30's. There should actually be a law that says you can't marry until you're out of your 30's. Second...you should be proud of yourself that you didn't settle. Sit back and watch as your impatient friends who fell to the pressures of society, end up with many miseries and regrets. I don't know why people get desperate at such a young age and cling onto the first thing that comes along...I'm older, and I've been proposed to 4 times. I've said no all 4 times. I never settled, and never will. I'm glad you're not either. 4 times?! Maybe you just don't want to be married. I'm sure at least one of those gentlemen would have made a good husband. How old are you, do you want a family?
Woggle Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 He might be happy in some sick sort of way. I have learned that many people really do have some sick addiction to dysfunctional situations. Also there are some men who think they are some noble knight because they get with the biggest trainwreck they can find and put up with her crap. It won't be me because I like happy and healthy relationships but some men seem to get off on this. I personally find no honor in being walked on.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations about not settling. At the end of the day what matters most to me is someone dependable, loyal, honest, respectful, and who treats my heart with care. He's also got to make me laugh. When I was younger I would have written off men who didn't like the same music, who didn't dress the way I liked, or any number of superficial reasons I could conjure up as stupid deal breakers. Then one day you wake up and realize that all the good husband-material guys are snatched up and you're left hanging out with your vinyls on a Friday night. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 That's funny. The guy I'm dating now has the biggest heart, and does construction. Next assumption?
Drseussgrrl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Yeah, but if you're just a little patient, you can have your pick on the back side. I don't really know what you mean by that. Divorcees? I'm not impatient. I'm just not going to wait around for some preconceived notion of perfection that doesn't exist. Dc is chalk full of women in their 40's whose mr perfect just never came along. Edited to add- I think it's funny that on a site jam packed with dudes struggling with dating and assuming it's because women are shallow, that I'm getting these types of responses. Edited April 3, 2013 by Drseussgrrl 1
Woggle Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I don't really know what you mean by that. Divorcees? I'm not impatient. I'm just not going to wait around for some preconceived notion of perfection that doesn't exist. Dc is chalk full of women in their 40's whose mr perfect just never came along. Edited to add- I think it's funny that on a site jam packed with dudes struggling with dating and assuming it's because women are shallow, that I'm getting these types of responses. With some of these guys you will never do anything right. That being said you do come across as a bit wedding obsessed. It should always be about sharing your life with that person. Marriage and weddings are just the icing on the cake.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 With some of these guys you will never do anything right. That being said you do come across as a bit wedding obsessed. It should always be about sharing your life with that person. Marriage and weddings are just the icing on the cake. Wow really? Where have I EVER said I wanted a wedding?! I want marriage and a family yes. Nothing at all wrong with that. Unless you're referring to my stance on living together first. Been there done that. Never again. 1
GravityMan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Get used to it, OP. Many married couples spend much less time with their friends after they marry, and especially after they have kids. Also, most married couples prefer to socialize with people who are also married. They will distance themselves from friends who are still single and not close to getting married. This mitigates possible awkwardness and it's easier to relate to other married folks. I also suspect that your married friends sense your negativity and thus are quietly putting some space between themselves and you. People do not like to be around those who give off a negative vibe. And you don't know for sure whether they've truly "settled" for someone below what they really preferred. Friends come and go. Deal with it. I suggest meeting new people who are still single. 50-55% of people marry by the age of 27-30. 65% by the age of 35. And then tack on another 25% or so of unmarried people ages 28-35 who are in committed LTRs.
El Brujo Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Funny, all of my friends are bitter divorcees. They thought they were marrying Mr or Miss Right, when they were really marrying Mr or Miss ALWAYS Right. Yeah, I didn't have to make that mistake myself... not when my friends already made it for me. 1
Woggle Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Wow really? Where have I EVER said I wanted a wedding?! I want marriage and a family yes. Nothing at all wrong with that. Unless you're referring to my stance on living together first. Been there done that. Never again. You just seem a bit obsessed with getting married. That is what I meant by weddings.
runningfar Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I wouldn't want to hang out with you if you were referring to the person I love and/or me in those terms, either. Most my married friends are very happy. I've been divorced but I can look around me and see love is real!
trevzilla Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Also there are some men who think they are some noble knight because they get with the biggest trainwreck they can find and put up with her crap. It won't be me because I like happy and healthy relationships but some men seem to get off on this. I personally find no honor in being walked on. That's what I did with my ex wife. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and I'm a classic fixer. The basis of my relationship was feeling for my ex and trying to be her knight in shining armour. She had a nice body and pretty face, but a horrible personality. Doesn't work man, just sucks the life out of you and leaves you bitter about all the missed opportunities because you were busy supporting your "partner" Won't make that mistake again. Don't settle, better to be single and lonely than in a disastrous relationship.
Author Estate Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations about not settling. At the end of the day what matters most to me is someone dependable, loyal, honest, respectful, and who treats my heart with care. He's also got to make me laugh. When I was younger I would have written off men who didn't like the same music, who didn't dress the way I liked, or any number of superficial reasons I could conjure up as stupid deal breakers. Then one day you wake up and realize that all the good husband-material guys are snatched up and you're left hanging out with your vinyls on a Friday night. I totally agree in that, in highschool, maybe people break up because they like different bands. But nowadays that means nothing to me. But the people I'm referring to... all those criteria point you listed, I don't even see that. It's just a case of "Oh, I'm in my late 20's... time to cling to something before I'm alone forever"... it seems nuts. These are some real good people who REALLY wouldn't have a problem dating someone at their own level if they put any effort in or didn't have this feeling they'll be alone forever if they give up a bad relationship. Thats why I hate seeing.
Recommended Posts