Estate Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Watch out, Estate is in rant mode... So the last of my friends has hitched up and disappeared off the face of the planet. On the face of it, I'm supposed to be envious, I'm supposed to want what they have. And I'll admit, I'd love to be in a relationship. I'd love to be with a girl who I am completely in love with but I'm not going to do that with just ANYONE and I'm not going to not enjoy myself until that comes along. But I look at every one of my close friends. They have just shut up shop, and disappeared off the face of the earth. I look at the men and women they are with and I am just NOT envious. Every one of them has settled. They are not with the person they longed for all the time that I knew them. My old room-mate moved out last year to move in with a girl who is un-attractive, not his type and generally treats him like dirt. Another friend has shaked up with a girl who basically approached him on the subway, then doubled in weight in just over a year together. Another friend rebounded hard after breaking up with a terrific girl and got a girl pregnant and married her, a real downgrade from what he had. Another girl I know settled for basically the clown of our group, but she's a "fixer", she will be in a relationship at all times no matter what, no matter who, she just tries to mold these guys into what she wants. 4 other friends have gotten engaged in the past year to some of the most over-weight hideous girls I've ever met in my life. The list goes on... The "fixer" girl lately branded me as a "disaster" for being 28 and single... yet I wouldn't give up what I have for what she has for the world. But I don't fit her mold. She wants the ring, it doesn't matter who the guy is, as long as it fits her "plan".... yes, she has written a "plan"... But not one of them are with the person they wanted. These are men and women who are dating WELL below their own standards and most are either engaged or bordering it jsut because we have all reached our late twenties and seem to figure, that is their lot in life. They look down up me and the few other singletons in our group have been pressured into bad relationship because of how much we are looked down upon. But why do people have no spine? Why do their have no backbone? Why do their not go after what they want and deserve? Why are they happy to be in miserable relationships with people they are not truely happy to be with? Why do they look down on people who go after what they REALLY want in life? And lastly... why do they disappear off the face of the earth? Especially guys... if these girls ever left them they will be right back, looking for friends, looking to go out, looking for shoulders to cry on.... yet when they were in a relationship, they looked down on friends like me, they ignored friends like me... yet expect friends like me to be there, if, ever... they came to their senses. Ugh... rant over for now. 6
MsSmurf Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Maybe they've disappeared on you to avoid being envious of you since clearly you were smart enough not to settle. 2
StanMusial Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 It happens. Most of my inner social circle got married off over the past few years. At some point that feeling of wanting to settle down hits. It might happen to you in a few years, it might not. I would recommend to anyone to find what they are looking for, not just the next thing that comes along. Just don't take it too far and continually pass over what could be a good thing.
Sanitarium Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I'm in the opposite boat, most of my male friends are dating women in or above their league who they are very happy with feels bad man 1
xxoo Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 Maybe they stopped hanging out with you because of your disdain for their partners and their choices. 5
Author Estate Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 Maybe they stopped hanging out with you because of your disdain for their partners and their choices. Well it's not like I'm going around saying to them "Hey Joe! I really hate your girlfriend of choice!" It was their choice, they are in relationships now, they don't hang out with me and they don't hang out with anyone at all. Just spend time as a couple, zero outside perticipation. I've HAD friends where they were with awesome people and of course you look to them and think "Hey, Joe is really lucky, he's got some girl there, I'd love what he's found" but I can honestly say, I am not envious of a single partner any of my friends have now that they've moved into "settling down" relationships. They are settling down so far below their standards... some of these are really quality guys and girls settling for partners who are either unattractive, not nice people or have zero going for them in life, or a combination of the above. They are still late twenties, their lives are far from over, there's no need to settle. The only reason I'm getting wound up is not because I'm envious of them. I'm wound up because they have made comments like the "I'm a disaster" comment because I am not in a relationship at 28 FFS! But I see it the other way, it would be a disaster if I was entering into a relationship where I was going to marry this person when I KNEW i could do so much better... thats what I'm annoyed at... they actually look down at me for leading a better life for myself.
RedRobin Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 some of these are really quality guys and girls settling for partners who are either unattractive, not nice people or have zero going for them in life, or a combination of the above.. According to you. I guess they aren't looking for your opinion...eh? Why not try to be happy for them? If they are really your friends, that is.. Sounds like you are just bummed that your emotional safety net is disappearing. It happens... the next step is when kids come, and they pair off with other couples with kids. This is a natural transition for people your age. Sorry to break it to you. 2
hppr Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I don't really think that, most of my friends who have married are to someone that I'd call their equal give or take. To be honest I can't think of any that really 'settled for less'. Yes some of the guys married ugly women (and vice versa) but there's more to a relationship than just looks.
Author Estate Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 According to you. I guess they aren't looking for your opinion...eh? Why not try to be happy for them? If they are really your friends, that is.. Sounds like you are just bummed that your emotional safety net is disappearing. It happens... the next step is when kids come, and they pair off with other couples with kids. This is a natural transition for people your age. Sorry to break it to you. Well that is the thing... If a *friend* is happy in a relationship which doesn't effect our friendship then I am very happy for them, no matter what my feelings are on their partner, good or bad. I'm making this point here, I'm not saying it to anyones face and when I have had friends with FANTASTIC partners I acknowledge it. Its not like I'm annoyed because they have a partner at all. So if they are a friend, them being in a relationship does not have a bearing on our friendship.... unless.... - They cut you AND others out of their life . - They make snide remarks to you for not having "what they have" (which THEN justifies thinking, ..."Eh, what exactly am I supposed to be envious of?"). - And worst of all... when these friendswho have settled, cut themselves off and made snide remarks about your lifestyle, are the ones who then get pissed when you get that enevitable "Sooo.... haven't had a guys night in a while, we should hit the town" (i.e. she just dumped me and now the life I looked down on you for doesn't seem that bad now that I *need* friends again) I've been in plenty of relationships, I don't cut myself off from the world though, or judge those not in one. It gets to me when people act so ****ty when they think they have it all when they are just looking at things through relationship rose-tinted glasses yet have no shame coming crawling back when you've moved on to bigger and better things.
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I really hate to break it to you... this is a rite of passage for you OP. Whether you like it or not, people will be pairing off and mostly spending time with other married people going into your 30's and beyond. Most of my married friends are older, much older. Their kids are grown and they are happily settled into their married lives and so now they have time to hang out with guy or girlfriends solo. Maybe you need to develop a new circle of friends. 2
grkBoy Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 So step back and focus on you. If they did "settle for less" then let them end up divorced, or unhappy, or telling you secretly how they envy your life. If they didn't (and you assume they did), then they'll be happy and do their own thing. Focus on you. Do what makes you happy in life. 3
Author Estate Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 I really hate to break it to you... this is a rite of passage for you OP. Whether you like it or not, people will be pairing off and mostly spending time with other married people going into your 30's and beyond. Most of my married friends are older, much older. Their kids are grown and they are happily settled into their married lives and so now they have time to hang out with guy or girlfriends solo. Maybe you need to develop a new circle of friends. Red, I'm not sure you're getting the point here.... Of course people start to pair off and marry and have children... Of course that it a natural progression... Of course that begins to take up more and more of their time as it becomes their new life... But you seem to think it's justifiable when someone DOES that, to just be a bad friend or to look down and make snide comments to those who AREN'T in their position, like they are somehow superior... "Now, I have a girlfriend, I'm too good for you all"... yet you've been there and seen them and supported them through all their struggles... it no longer matters to them. Yet IF a breakup occuers they are the first to come crawling back not understanding why you don't really want to hang with them anymore. Of course if I friend marries and has kids then he won't be around for "boys night" 3 times a week... but whenever I've been in relationships, I never just cut friends out. I might not be on the town as much, but I certainly make time for people I value as friends. I hate to be "that" guy. Being in a relationship doesn't make you superior to anyone. I think you're taking my point to the extreme. Of course those things take up time, a LOT of time and the dynamic of the friendship shifts... but it's not really on me, to take all the bashings and insults and chase them around to stay in touch. I think it's on them to balance their new life, if they chose to cut old friends at their partners discression, sure, let them do it, but it's not really a great way to go through life, is it? 3
ScreamingTrees Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Id say about half of my female friends that are engaged or married put most of the effort into the relationship and their fiancees/husbands are selfish little brats that feel entitled to everything. Their husbands/fiancees pretty much admit they are selfish and that its the woman's job to be a caterer too. So I feel your pain. I dont envy them, many of them I feel sorry for and kind of want to shake them and say "you are VOLUNTARILY signing up for this?"... My biggest fear is that I go through my 20s with no luck with the opposite sex, only for a woman to really sink her claws into me as I near 30, all of the sudden showing strong interest.. I wouldn't let that happen anyway, I'd rather be alone than used and unhappy, I don't want to be "settled" for.. I'd gladly put in 110%.. Hopefully I meet women like this in the future. 3
xxoo Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 I think you were onto something with the "rose-tinted glasses". They haven't settled; they are in love, and they feel as if they've invented love and know more about it than you. Don't take it personally. I've been married a long time, and I get the same treatment when friends and family members are newly in love. It's normal. One day, you may do the same thing.
Author Estate Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Maybe they don't feel they have settled. But what is the criteria for "not feeling like you've settled". Is it "I am with the most amazing partner, I could never even think about meeting another person" or is it just "Well, they seem to like me, and I suck at meeting getting dates, so... *shrug*".
crude Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 The thing is, no one seems to have the backbone, the spine to say they aren't impressed with who their friends married and the kids they have to their face. That means that single people are always on the defensive. Married people can pity their single friends or try to set them up without realizing that the friend isn't envious, because the marriage sucks. It's like few women are told they're nothing special and not entitled, because the guy wants to get into her pants, regardless of how mediocre she is. Couples get to dish it out without ever having to get hit back. So stop overthinking things, or you'll be the next one to settle. 1
RedRobin Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) But what is the criteria for "not feeling like you've settled". Is it "I am with the most amazing partner, I could never even think about meeting another person" or is it just "Well, they seem to like me, and I suck at meeting getting dates, so... *shrug*". Some people value commitment, or come to value it... and they don't necessarily believe that Mr or Ms Perfect is a reasonable expectation or goal. Being in a committed, reasonably loving relationship allows you to focus on other things. Most people who go into marriage with their eyes open don't expect not to be tempted by another person at some point. That's normal too. They just value what they have with that person and the life they've built more than the FANTASY of someone new. and that is all it is... a fantasy. My parents have been married for 48 years. Not all of them in bliss. But they had no desire to start over from scratch with someone new who would bring their own set and even a new set of troubles along with them. Edited: I just realized today my dad is the spitting image of Yul Brynner... body and everything. So no, my dad had no shortage of 'options'... My mom ain't hard on the eyes either, although I can't think of any movie stars she looks like. oh wait... yes I do... my mom looks like THIS picture of Ava Gardner... Edited April 1, 2013 by RedRobin
Author Estate Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 Some people value commitment, or come to value it... and they don't necessarily believe that Mr or Ms Perfect is a reasonable expectation or goal. Being in a committed, reasonably loving relationship allows you to focus on other things. Most people who go into marriage with their eyes open don't expect not to be tempted by another person at some point. That's normal too. They just value what they have with that person and the life they've built more than the FANTASY of someone new. and that is all it is... a fantasy. My parents have been married for 48 years. Not all of them in bliss. But they had no desire to start over from scratch with someone new who would bring their own set and even a new set of troubles along with them. Edited: I just realized today my dad is the spitting image of Yul Brynner... body and everything. So no, my dad had no shortage of 'options'... My mom ain't hard on the eyes either, although I can't think of any movie stars she looks like. oh wait... yes I do... my mom looks like THIS picture of Ava Gardner... I don't really get what relevance this has. Even if you married the most perfectly beautiful movie star with stunning personality, people can always be tempted... That's not the point... you are making the assumption my dislike of some of my friends choice in partners is jealousy, and that's not the case at all. The same friends and others in the past have been with some wonderful people, and although it didn't work out I was very impressed with their choices, even envious of them having met such great people... ... but in these cases, it's not just looks... It's: - looks - personality - and generally lack of things going on for them. For instance, my last room-mate... she treats him horribly. She constantly sulks at him and makes him buy her expensive presents. She was caught straddling another guy on the couch at a house party where all his friends and work collegues were there then threatened to kill herself if he broke up with her. She would be at our apartment 5-6 nights a week and would scream at him until 4am some nights. She would make him do things I know he doesn't enjoy. The list just goes on... Physically I know she is nothing like what he is attracted to. We spoke about this many times before he met her, telling me what he likes and wants in a girl. But he went through a dry spell and got very depressed... this girl met him as a rebound from a LTR of hers which broke down. For several months after they met she still had this other guy as her boyfriend on FB and he was always around... she kept him around. But since he was on a dry spell and acting very depressed, he clung for dear life to the first girl that came along, which was this girl. He's happy in the sense that he was depressed and alone, now he is getting sex. So he was willing to give up all his friends, spend all his money on her, pay to get a fancy apartment she can live in, in a part of town which is WAY more than I know he can afford... and means he has to get 3 trains just to get to work, but she wants the status of living there. Tell me he didn't settle due to circumstances in his life? This is a guy who before all this, was a really great guy... if he wasn't in such a funk he could have got many great girls and has in the past... yes, this is now his lot in life. Is this really what you are referring to? That a good guy like this, deserves this treatment just to be "happy".
Author Estate Posted April 1, 2013 Author Posted April 1, 2013 @Estate Your friend has low self esteem and is afraid of being alone. I have one friend in particular who is exactly the same as your friend in that situation just the genders are swapped. You cannot make someones self esteem go up- they have to do it themselves and realize they are too good for that person. It is awful to watch though. It truely is... and I agree. This was a really great guy, we were best friends but then he met her and just changed. He wants nothing to do with me or our other friends anymore. He won't talk to anyone as she disliked most of us. In some ways I'd love to see him back on his feet and meeting someone who he deserves. On the other hand, his behaviour since he moved has been apawling. He doesn't talk to me as I've said. He came into the apartment and took stuff which we had "shared" or I had actually bought for the apartment. He esentually broke our lease, but he left and wouldn't actually break the lease, just refused to pay his half of the rent so I was on the hook for it for months. When he finally agreed to let me sublet his room to cover the cost, he made sure HE found the replacement so he could make a few bucks by jacking up the rent on the new guy and apparently charged him a "moving in fee" of several hundred dollars. The sad part is... if or when it all breaks down... He'll be right back at my door, looking for a buddy... but my point in all this was... why would I want that friend back? I don't see why this is on me to be a good friend? He USED to be a good guy but how could I take back someone who does this stuff without remorse? This is just one extreme example, but since it came up...
debber01 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Dude, just do this analysis. Look at every married couple you know, and identify those who are truly happy. Not talking about newlyweds. I'm talking about people who have 7+ years together. And I'm not talking about annoying co-dependent relationships where they are in each other's asses all the time because they can't stand up by themselves. If you do this analysis, and come up with a number >10%, I will be SHOCKED. I'm with you Barnacle. Was married to my ex for 23 years but not truly happy after the first 5-7 years. But kids come along, life goes on....glad he finally grew a set and filed. I made that commitment and never would have myself-would have remained miserable for life. And happier now than I've been in a long time. Chicago is a big town! Lol. I, too, would be surprised if you found a number >10%. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I know some guys who decided to go with terrible women. I honestly don't know why but it's sad to look at and no way they are happy. I will never do that.
theloyalone1 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 OP- I read your post and it seems like I'm reading my own story. I just turned 28 "today" and a single black/Jamaican woman. No kids and also get the usual questions from friends and family like "where's your husband?" "Why no kids yet?" Etc etc etc...and I also believe we live in a time that "settling" is what people go for. Take my brother for instance, we are exactly a year apart (no we aren't twins..hehe) and is married to a woman who I would have NEVER thought possible. Make a long story short, he married her cuz they had a kid and more importantly he was pressured by my family and the pastor for it to be the right thing to do... Now my brother has 3 beautiful kids by her and sometimes I feel he throws the "marriage card" at my face just b/c I'm still single, but I ignore it. I can admit that I DO want what my brother has...a marriage (don't believe in divorce) with a loyal, committed man, but I REFUSE to settle. My advice to you is continue to live your life and wish them the best in their relationship. They need to respect you and be a good friend instead of making you feel like a "disaster". What's a disaster is settling with the wrong person for leisure and have to live with it for the rest of your life.. Why settle for a pair of sneakers when you can have stilettos ladies? Lol. Food for thought I'm trying onlne dating for the first time...well see how this goes...lol
Jane2011 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I remember when it seemed like all my friends left me. It was pretty much from November 2010 to March 2011. Three good friends who'd been having stupid single lives (for a long time) suddenly got boyfriends who were crazy about them. They didn't mean to, but they pretty much dropped off the planet except for an occasional lunch. I was convinced that everyone else was destined to be happy but me.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 OP- I read your post and it seems like I'm reading my own story. I just turned 28 "today" and a single black/Jamaican woman. No kids and also get the usual questions from friends and family like "where's your husband?" "Why no kids yet?" Etc etc etc...and I also believe we live in a time that "settling" is what people go for. Take my brother for instance, we are exactly a year apart (no we aren't twins..hehe) and is married to a woman who I would have NEVER thought possible. Make a long story short, he married her cuz they had a kid and more importantly he was pressured by my family and the pastor for it to be the right thing to do... Now my brother has 3 beautiful kids by her and sometimes I feel he throws the "marriage card" at my face just b/c I'm still single, but I ignore it. I can admit that I DO want what my brother has...a marriage (don't believe in divorce) with a loyal, committed man, but I REFUSE to settle. My advice to you is continue to live your life and wish them the best in their relationship. They need to respect you and be a good friend instead of making you feel like a "disaster". What's a disaster is settling with the wrong person for leisure and have to live with it for the rest of your life.. Why settle for a pair of sneakers when you can have stilettos ladies? Lol. Food for thought I'm trying onlne dating for the first time...well see how this goes...lol Be careful that you keep your expectations in check. A lot of women hold out for their Mr. Perfect and at 40-something, are still waiting.
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