Why did you pursue a LDR?

[soccerrprp]

It's as if you were asking me "Why is your dad tall?" or small, or anything like that. I know you can't choose a father (usually), while you can choose a boyfriend or a husband, but I think love works in mysterious ways. At least mysterious to us.

 

Your questions sound funny to me. It's as if you were out shopping and picking up the product that suits you best. Love is not that. Falling in love doesn't mean that you consider the pros and the cons and choose accordingly. Reason has little to do with falling in love. You can choose a boyfriend using your reason, but most of the time you wouldn't be in love with him. You would be just adapting yourself to a situation. So if you have to adapt, better doing so when you're really in love.

 

I understand. The way i formed the question(s) were likely not the best. I just think it conceptually and practically difficult to even contemplate a LDR. Curiosity really...

[ana0pera]

Have you tried meeting halfway, like in Canada or the East Coast of US? American carriers are always running deals for trips within the US at bargain rates but you can't plan that far ahead. A three or four day weekend (call in sick) are better than nothing.

 

This is exactly what we've done thus far, meet on the east coast of the US or somewhere in Europe that I can get a non-stop flight to. It's worked well and we'll probably continue doing this for a while if we choose to stay together, which is not that likely at the moment. I actually did a four day weekend once to visit him in Europe and my advisor noticed I was gone, of all times to notice it was the one time I was away legitimately and not just sitting at home doing stuff

[CherryT]

I understand. The way i formed the question(s) were likely not the best. I just think it conceptually and practically difficult to even contemplate a LDR. Curiosity really...

 

Definitely more difficult... The amount of money we spend to see each other. But hey, I can honestly say that my man is the hardest working man I've ever been in love with. He'll jump on a boat, plane, or drive to see me and I'd do the same. We're planning on closing the gap and he's probably taking on more stress even though I'm moving to him. Can't say I've found that kind of love locally. I wouldn't trade all the hours I've waited, money I've spent, bad relationships it's taken, to understand and experience a love like this. Communication is key and we talk about everything. We're not afraid of telling each other our desires, dreams, or goals. We plan together and we communicate our differences. Something that I've lacked in all my local relationships because you get the convenience of that person being there. I've never taken him for granted and I know he's never taken me for granted. To me, my story is a fairytale come true (yes, even with the hurdles and tests on our patience and commitment).

 

As much as a LDR scares others or gives others the perception that it's not a "real" relationship... That is not the case (in my situation). It is the most real, honest, raw, loving relationship I've ever had and all I could do is wish the people in my life could experience a love/commitment like this.

[LittleTiger]

I understand. The way i formed the question(s) were likely not the best. I just think it conceptually and practically difficult to even contemplate a LDR. Curiosity really...

 

Have you ever been head over heels in love? I don't mean infatuated, or in lust, I mean seriously in love with someone you know well and greatly respect. Someone who is pretty close to everything you ever wanted in a partner. Your best friend, compatible lover, complimenting personalities, loads in common, similar goals, similar values, shared sense of humour. You might argue or disagree at times but you find a way to communicate that works. They bring out the best in you, you bring out the best in them, you want the best for each other.

 

Hopefully you have been that lucky .

 

I think finding someone who fits us that well is a 'needle in a haystack' search. Some people search their whole life and never find a single needle - so they give up and settle for a piece of straw instead!

 

If you were lucky enough to find a needle but it was in a 'haystack' that required considerable effort to reach, would you leave that needle where it was and start looking in your nearest haystack instead? Just for convenience? Given that you may never find another needle, how 'convenient' would that really be?

 

I think I find it conceptually difficult to understand anyone who wouldn't at least give it a go!

[LittleTiger]

Definitely more difficult... The amount of money we spend to see each other. But hey, I can honestly say that my man is the hardest working man I've ever been in love with. He'll jump on a boat, plane, or drive to see me and I'd do the same. We're planning on closing the gap and he's probably taking on more stress even though I'm moving to him. Can't say I've found that kind of love locally. I wouldn't trade all the hours I've waited, money I've spent, bad relationships it's taken, to understand and experience a love like this. Communication is key and we talk about everything. We're not afraid of telling each other our desires, dreams, or goals. We plan together and we communicate our differences. Something that I've lacked in all my local relationships because you get the convenience of that person being there. I've never taken him for granted and I know he's never taken me for granted. To me, my story is a fairytale come true (yes, even with the hurdles and tests on our patience and commitment).

 

As much as a LDR scares others or gives others the perception that it's not a "real" relationship... That is not the case (in my situation). It is the most real, honest, raw, loving relationship I've ever had and all I could do is wish the people in my life could experience a love/commitment like this.

 

Beautifully put CherryT!

 

Ditto ever word from me!

[Amy4452]

Hi soccerrprp, I need your help again plz. I didn't know how to contact you

[soccerrprp]

Hi soccerrprp, I need your help again plz. I didn't know how to contact you

 

Hi, you can't pm me? what's up?

[nicolewest]

Met my SO well now ex-SO locally. He lived in the same city as me, relationship was local for a year and 3 months before he left for Nigeria.

 

Pursued it because we both wanted to, I cared about him and I believed it would only be for a short period of time.

Complications: him not having regular internet access, Nigeria has problems with electricity too so that can regularly go out, purchasing calling cards.

 

He was only supposed to be gone 3-4 months but its been over a year, he still hasn't returned but still calls. It wouldve been worth the effort if he had been honest to me about more things and more understanding.

Edited May 1, 2013 by nicolewest

[soccerrprp]

nicolewest,

 

I always get this feeling that the temptations are much more difficult to resist in LDR. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. It all seems too foreign and unfulfilling to me to be in a LDR. I need, want the physical intimacy that comes with a relationship and LDR doesn't provide enough of that.

[Els]

Soccer,

 

I don't know if that came out the way you intended it to (you really strike me as a nice, reasonable guy), but I can assure you that most of us also want and need physical intimacy in a relationship. It's just that some of us are willing to put that aside temporarily because the only other alternative is losing the person you love.

 

Put it this way: Would you say that someone who stayed with a mate who was undergoing chemotherapy and unable to have sex for months, is choosing to be in a sexless relationship? Or that sex is not important to him/her? Could it not be that that person was just special enough to him/her to make the temporary period of 'suffering' worth it?

 

LDRs are not for everyone, but it is a myth that people 'choose' distance or that they must not care all that much about physical intimacy. Honestly an LDR has made me value physical affection more than ever before, because it was something I'd always taken for granted. In an LDR, you can never, ever afford to take the opportunity for physical intimacy for granted, because it is gone all too soon.

[soccerrprp]

Soccer,

 

I don't know if that came out the way you intended it to (you really strike me as a nice, reasonable guy), but I can assure you that most of us also want and need physical intimacy in a relationship. It's just that some of us are willing to put that aside temporarily because the only other alternative is losing the person you love.

 

Put it this way: Would you say that someone who stayed with a mate who was undergoing chemotherapy and unable to have sex for months, is choosing to be in a sexless relationship? Or that sex is not important to him/her? Could it not be that that person was just special enough to him/her to make the temporary period of 'suffering' worth it?

 

LDRs are not for everyone, but it is a myth that people 'choose' distance or that they must not care all that much about physical intimacy. Honestly an LDR has made me value physical affection more than ever before, because it was something I'd always taken for granted. In an LDR, you can never, ever afford to take the opportunity for physical intimacy for granted, because it is gone all too soon.

 

I wasn't trying to suggest that people in LDR didn't want the intimacy, physical contact as much as any other. I understand. For me, it would be very difficult not to be able to see, touch, feel my SO for such long periods of time.

 

As per the chemotherapy example, I lived it and experienced such. My late-wife passed away from cancer after a long battle. But it wasn't a LDR. I saw, spoke, kissed, hugged her daily....no, sex is not what I meant, I meant physical closeness.

 

I understand. Really I do.

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Yes, I wasn't suggesting that it was only the sex - that was just an example, and I'm sorry that it was one personally close to you. That was truly not my intention.

 

It absolutely was very difficult to not touch and feel my SO for long periods of time, though fortunately the 'seeing' bit is possible with technology.

[soccerrprp]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Yes, I wasn't suggesting that it was only the sex - that was just an example, and I'm sorry that it was one personally close to you. That was truly not my intention.

 

It absolutely was very difficult to not touch and feel my SO for long periods of time, though fortunately the 'seeing' bit is possible with technology.

 

Thank you. You didn't know, of course. But, I hear you.

[Emilia]

 

LDRs are not for everyone, but it is a myth that people 'choose' distance or that they must not care all that much about physical intimacy. Honestly an LDR has made me value physical affection more than ever before, because it was something I'd always taken for granted. In an LDR, you can never, ever afford to take the opportunity for physical intimacy for granted, because it is gone all too soon.

 

No it's not a myth. I know people who have no plans to turn their LDR into something else and that's because they want to keep the other person at arm's lenght. A friend of mine was in an LDR with his fiance without any specific plans on when they would get married. Eventually they broke up (we all knew he didn't really want to marry her). Now he is in a non-LDR serious relationship with someone else he probably wouldn't want to be too far from.

 

It's horses for courses but some people do choose it to avoid too much intimacy.

[soccerrprp]

No it's not a myth. I know people who have no plans to turn their LDR into something else and that's because they want to keep the other person at arm's lenght. A friend of mine was in an LDR with his fiance without any specific plans on when they would get married. Eventually they broke up (we all knew he didn't really want to marry her). Now he is in a non-LDR serious relationship with someone else he probably wouldn't want to be too far from.

 

It's horses for courses but some people do choose it to avoid too much intimacy.

 

Why go through the stress of a LDR to avoid intimacy? Interesting though.

[Emilia]

Why go through the stress of a LDR to avoid intimacy? Interesting though.

 

They don't find it stressful because they prefer to keep loved ones at an arm's lenght or don't really want to be with that person in the first place. Sometimes it's a way to have someone on the back burner or date multiple people, etc.

 

My point is that people go into LDRs for different reasons.

[LittleTiger]

No it's not a myth. I know people who have no plans to turn their LDR into something else and that's because they want to keep the other person at arm's lenght. A friend of mine was in an LDR with his fiance without any specific plans on when they would get married. Eventually they broke up (we all knew he didn't really want to marry her). Now he is in a non-LDR serious relationship with someone else he probably wouldn't want to be too far from.

 

It's horses for courses but some people do choose it to avoid too much intimacy.

 

If you have personally come across this behaviour then perhaps it is true for a very small number of LDRs. However, it certainly isn't the usual 'standard'. I don't know of anyone who would choose this way of life.

 

Some people clearly do choose relationships that many of us don't understand for their own particular reasons, LDR or otherwise. Choosing a LDR in order to avoid intimacy suggests the person has a problem with forming close relationships - at least for that period of time.

 

Most of the long-timers on LS are battling to find a way to close the distance permanently and, in the meantime, spend as much time together as possible. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule but 'choosing' a LDR above a close distance relationship is certainly not 'the norm'.

[Emilia]

If you have personally come across this behaviour then perhaps it is true for a very small number of LDRs. However, it certainly isn't the usual 'standard'. I don't know of anyone who would choose this way of life.

 

Some people clearly do choose relationships that many of us don't understand for their own particular reasons, LDR or otherwise. Choosing a LDR in order to avoid intimacy suggests the person has a problem with forming close relationships - at least for that period of time.

 

Most of the long-timers on LS are battling to find a way to close the distance permanently and, in the meantime, spend as much time together as possible. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule but 'choosing' a LDR above a close distance relationship is certainly not 'the norm'.

 

I have personally come across it and see about it being posted here. I don't think it's surprising and I honestly don't think you can say what the norm is. No-one can. No-one has statistics out there about the success of LDRs or reasons for failure or how long they last on average or anything like that.

 

I'm not sure why some of you get defensive about it. It worked for you and many others, doesn't mean it works for everyone or that everyone does it for the same reasons as you. Some people don't even recognise it as a 'proper' relationship as such because of the amount of time people spend with each other or because some question the commitment when no effort is made to find a solution for the long distance part. There are so many ways of looking at it, none of it is wrong.

[sweetkiwi]

I've just begun an LDR with a wonderful man I met online. He actually apologized for contacting me from so far away ! He was so funny, sweet, thoughtful, and gentlemanly I was charmed instantly. We'd both never attempted an LDR.

 

The closest I'd had was an older boyfriend living an hour away. I thought THAT was rough !!! Currently we're both 25. He's very well educated and is trying to get a good job in the UK but looking elsewhere as well since the UK will be the most difficult place for me to move to. He can move to Italy easily and the US with a fiance visa.

 

It's very hard to be away from eachother. We talk a lot about how we can't wait to do this or that together. It's the sweetest relationship I've ever been in. Even without tons of physical intimacy we're always on eachothers minds.

[LittleTiger]

I have personally come across it and see about it being posted here. I don't think it's surprising and I honestly don't think you can say what the norm is. No-one can. No-one has statistics out there about the success of LDRs or reasons for failure or how long they last on average or anything like that.

 

I'm not sure why some of you get defensive about it. It worked for you and many others, doesn't mean it works for everyone or that everyone does it for the same reasons as you. Some people don't even recognise it as a 'proper' relationship as such because of the amount of time people spend with each other or because some question the commitment when no effort is made to find a solution for the long distance part. There are so many ways of looking at it, none of it is wrong.

 

Perhaps you read different posts from me but I have been on the LDR forum here for over four years and I have never seen a single post that suggested someone had deliberately chosen a LDR - by that I mean chosen the relationship because it was long distance.

 

I agree there is no such thing as a 'normal' relationship and I'm not sure why you mentioned statistics, but I have to disagree that there isn't a 'norm' when it comes to LDRs. The 'norm' is, two people meet but don't live close by, they fall for each other, they decide to have a relationship despite the distance because of their feelings for each other - certainly not because of distance which is what you seem to be suggesting. That is a pattern we see on here pretty much in every single case.

 

Kiwi man and I fell in love 'by mistake'. When we met online I had absolutely no intention of getting involved with him on a romantic level and yet, when we met in real life is was a fait accompli. I've never regretted it for a second despite all the time we have to spend apart for now. We are also far too 'long in the tooth' to worry about other people's opinions on how real our relationship is. An LDR can teach you very quickly that commitment and intimacy has little to do with the amount of time you spend in the same room as your partner.

 

Most of us here are all too aware of how difficult LDRs can be and I, personally, wouldn't recommend the lifestyle or wish it on anyone if there was an alternative. I understand completely why someone like yourself or soccerrprp would not consider an LDR, in theory, but it amazes me that you are so quick to just rule it out as a possibility. You really have no idea what life will throw at you.

 

Choosing not to be in a relationship with someone who is your 'perfect' match, just because they live in the wrong place is, in my view, completely irrational. 'Love' (the real thing) does not grow on trees - at least not in my part of the world. If they are lucky enough to find it, most people will hang on to it, whatever it costs - and the cost may be a number of years apart. That's far better than a lifetime with a 'substitute', (or several) who just happens to live in the same town. Don't you think?

[nicolewest]

nicolewest,

 

I always get this feeling that the temptations are much more difficult to resist in LDR. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. It all seems too foreign and unfulfilling to me to be in a LDR. I need, want the physical intimacy that comes with a relationship and LDR doesn't provide enough of that.

 

Thanks!

 

I guess I'm happy it didnt work out. The distance gave me time to evaluate the relationship as a whole and led me to end the relationship.

 

LDRs are quite difficult but at the same time I could do it again based on the partner.

 

true about the intimacy part

[taiko]

Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman, because I had no where else to go. I admit it was a gamble and we were both desperate on that account but the gamble seems to have paid off. I do know the last seven years has been worth it and I would not want to go through the first 45 again.

[Els]

No it's not a myth. I know people who have no plans to turn their LDR into something else and that's because they want to keep the other person at arm's lenght. A friend of mine was in an LDR with his fiance without any specific plans on when they would get married. Eventually they broke up (we all knew he didn't really want to marry her). Now he is in a non-LDR serious relationship with someone else he probably wouldn't want to be too far from.

 

It's horses for courses but some people do choose it to avoid too much intimacy.

 

This has not been the norm in my opinion, maybe 1% of LDR communities (which I have participated in for a few years). Then again, I suppose we shall have to agree to disagree on that, as I certainly can't prove that.

 

I do agree that some people do treat LDRs as a pseudo-R, but I did state in my caveat that I was talking about real LDRs - people who have met, take their R seriously, and are trying to close the distance.

 

I don't think that LDRs should be for everyone, and someone is perfectly right to choose not to be in one. I was merely correcting what I perceived to be a misconception about people who ARE in LDRs.

[JourneyLady]

I am certain that this has been answered in many ways. Perhaps there's a thread exactly like this, but wanted to give it a go anyway.

 

All of you that have or are in a LDR, why? What makes you think that it's worth the effort knowing all of the complications and disadvantages? What is the appeal?

 

I have an ex that did when she was younger and her story seemed incredulous to me. What is your story?

 

The one that only lasted a few weeks... Because we'd known each other online for quite a few years and I always thought he was a good character -- which he is, but much more troubled than I would have thought.

 

I didn't really think I'd do all that well in an LDR, but I knew I could relocate anywhere I want to in a few years, so gave it a shot, thinking if things worked out, I would just move there eventually -- or perhaps vice versa.

 

The first three weeks were wonderful; we talked every evening face to face, etc. It was good after we met in person as well, another week of good emotions. But, after being sick a week he started getting stressed out and cold feet and >that< I didn't handle so well, so we called it off. (It took some time to find out if that's what he intended to do or not.)

 

We are still speaking, but only as friends now. I am okay with that. He will be stressed out for quite some time to come and by the time he isn't, it's more likely I will have moved on anyhow.

 

It was a chance I took. It might have worked out with someone less avoidant, but sadly, that was how he deals with things. I'm not sorry we tried; I learned a bit more very useful information about myself.

[amayana]

Hi there,

 

I met my boyfriend locally, he was an exchange student at my university. We're both in our 20s. Trust me, the last thing I ever wanted was an LDR but we fell in love with each other and it was something we couldn't avoid. At this stage we're more than 4,000 miles apart (him US, me UK) and it is difficult but we're both happy. We communicate a lot every day, we try to be creative. We don't take each other for granted so we put in a lot of effort. This has been my most serious relationship so far. It shows me my potential on a daily basis. I always thought myself to be a person who gives up easily and being in this situation has showed me a different side of me that I had never known before.

 

Even though we greatly dislike the distance, we do manage to see each other every 1 to 2 months. The lack of physical intimacy can be hard on us but I think he's worth it. We're working on being together some time soon and it's going well so far.

 

We both thought we were going to break up a few weeks in but we didn't. We've been together for over a year now and we're still going strong. The best thing is that I'm moving to the US for a while soon and we'll be that much closer, even though it'll still be LDR. One of our hardest moments was when someone close to him passed away and I couldn't be there to comfort him in person. It was early on in the relationship but we still made it through.

 

Not everyone can do a LDR, I'm sure. I think in any long-term relationship you need to be able to leave your partner this certain space to grow independently and let them be(come) who they are. In a LDR you're in a way forced to do this, which isn't a bad thing at all.