How do I end an affair with a co-worker without blowing up both our lives?

[mvf367]

I am not at all sure I want to hear the truthful answers to the questions I have, but as I have nothing to lose I will take the chance ... I'm married and I'm involved with a married co-worker. I am miserable. He is not my first affair, or even my first at work, as I had another unmarried lover several years ago who has left town (long story, we are still in contact though no longer lovers.) This first affair almost destroyed me, so you would have thought I'd know better than to do it again. I want out of this mess in the worst way, but I haven't been able to stop. The sex isn't even good and, in contrast with my first affair, I don't feel a deep emotional attachment to this man, although I do care for him and do not want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Here's what happened in a nutshell: six years ago I was hard at work, excelling professionally, and content (I thought) with my marriage and private life. I became close to my first lover as a co-worker, then as a friend, finally crossing the line to a passionate affair that lasted several years. This, even though he had moved away from my home-town and begun working elsewhere. Ultimately, he married and we ended the sexual relationship. We still maintain a close friendship and speak often on the phone, though we rarely see one another. I love him still, and I know he loves me.

Flash forward: last year a new man began working for my office. From the beginning, he came on VERY strong with me, but I never paid much attention until earlier this year. My former lover had married in the fall of 2003, and I was having some trouble adjusting to that ... and I was weak and vulnerable. This new man ... I'll call him C. ... proposed that we have sex and promised me ecstasy, etc. It was flattering and amusing, a high-stakes flirtation. It was FUN while it was still in the talking stage, very cat-and-mouse. Then he pounced. He literally forced the issue! He came up to me in an empty hallway at work and kissed me. And I mean, I fought him off and he overpowered me physically. Now I'm not crying rape, I'm describing more of one of those Harlequin Romance bodice-ripper scenes, you know? VERY different from my former lover, who was always gentle and sweet and ... tortured about the whole infidelity thing. C. is AGGRESSIVE and UN-apologetic about it. It started out exciting, but then ... downhill. When we've had sex (I mean when we've done it OUTSIDE of the office, since there have been lots of quickies in high-risk situations) he has been less than stellar. In fact, I would describe him as GUARDED ... alot of inhibitions, not creative or experimental at all. So, I find myself risking FAR too much for FAR too little.

How do I get out of this without making him an enemy? I can't afford to have this blow up at work.

PROBLEMS: 1. I am afraid of discovery and of losing my job;

2. He is not a great lover, I feel we are incompatible though I don't know why;

3. I know and like his wife, and we live in a very small town, so he knows my family as well;

4. HE ISN'T MY TYPE! If I wasn't married (and if he wasn't married) I STILL wouldn't want to

commit to a love relationship with him;

5. I've called it quits several times, he always charms his way back in, and I give him another

try, which is ridiculous ... I'M FAKING ORGASMS WITH MY LOVER! HOW STUPID IS THAT?

 

I need to emphasize VERY STRONGLY that I cannot eliminate contact with him. We work together, we need to be able to keep doing that. How to UN-ring the sex bell? HELP!!!

[supermom]

I really don't know what to tell you - but it will most likely blow up. Does your husband know about these affairs? And how can you say you like his wife when you are screwing her husband?

 

Good luck but you need to learn a lesson. Whatever happens will happen for a reason.

[goofylove]

i'm sorry but you shouldn't be surprised at what's coming to you. you cheated once, you're cheating now, and you will do it again.

 

all i can say is karma's a bitch. lots of luck with your impending mess.

[Fritz]

5. I've called it quits several times, he always charms his way back in, and I give him another

try, which is ridiculous ... I'M FAKING ORGASMS WITH MY LOVER! HOW STUPID IS THAT?

 

I'd say thats pretty darn stupid.

[Papillon]

"Karma's a bitch"

 

 

Heh, I like that, and I agree.

 

If I were you, I'd stop it. I wound throw out the anchors, slam on the brakes, pop the 'chute, aim for a tree, do whatever it takes, to just stop the bus and get off.

[baggage]

I'm not going to be as judgemental as others.

Something is very wrong with your home life or you wouldn't be 'searching' for 'something'

 

4get about karma aswell, it's only gonna screw you up and you need a strong determined head right now to deal with your problems, you can put things right - all is not lost.

 

1st step - finish affair

 

What ever it takes, your going to have to lie your ass off. Your both as bad as each other at the moment but he's just using you for bad sex .

Pretend someone has seen you and it's not worth continuing or Say your husband nearly found out . Scare him off, Act like a bunny boiler ,find his fears and use them to your advantage, whatever the tactics - use them, he would.

Do what it takes, just get rid.

 

2nd step - find yourself

 

what do you want?

Good conversation and a friend or are you so flattered by male attention you can't say no???

What ever it is you need in this life, your not getting at home. WHY?

 

Can you talk to your husband? are you scared of him?

whats going on?

To become a better person you need to find out .

 

Be strong at work, you owe him nothing.

 

Do you find it hard to say no? do you want everyone to like you? because if this is the case everyone will end up thinking the opposite eventually.

[Quilly]

Have you tried talking with him about this from the standpoint that you don't want to risk your job and/or ruin your marriage or his by continuing this dangerous relationship? Is he being unreasonable/irrational?

 

I can relate to finding it difficult to leave someone when you are deeply in love with them and the relationship is everything you ever dreamed of and all that... but you don't even like the guy that much. There must be something to the relationship that keeps you on the hook... do you just crave the attention? excitement? public sex? You need to figure out whatever it is and then find a suitable substitute... maybe naked sky diving or something... ???

[onlyhuman]

Your asking for advice on how to keep up this lifestyle?

Same advice as Baggage gave you!

 

To help you down a less destructive path you should put on your husbands shoes for a while and see how you feel.

 

Having been the cheated on person I just wish my ex wife told me in the beginning of her unhappiness and left instead of being used.If this is the type of lifestyle you wish I am sure you can find some type of swinger husband that will reveal in your affairs and the like.I'm not judging you , but it seems you enjoy the excitement, but this affair is not worth it.Its to bad your not asking advice on how to repair your marriage.

[Mr Spock]

Can you transfer?

 

The fact that he's married is enough to keep his mouth shut about it. Just cut him off. Mind you, seeing how relationships work that may just increase his need for the affair.

 

Or, just be honest, tell his wife, tell your husband, transfer the heck out of your town.

[mvf367]

There isn't anything wrong with my home life that I can fix. I love my husband, he is a good man, a good friend, a good father to our children, and we have everything important in common. We have a great life. I just don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore. We do have a sex life, but it is meager and ... well, I'm fortunate to have a good capacity for fantasy. My dissatisfaction has everything to do with the fact that he has gained over 100 pounds since we married. And he was NEVER a small man, but now he's really, really large. I'm sorry to sound so shallow, but there it is. Can it be fixed? He would have to care, and he doesn't. He's the prototypical happy fat person, and he has no desire to lose weight. I don't think he'd lose weight EVEN IF HE KNEW about my affairs. Of course, I have no intention of telling him as it would hurt him and, despite my bad habits, I love him. So, why have I cheated? I like sex, and I miss not having it. A Hitachi Magic Wand only goes so far. I just want to quit having my adventures AT WORK!!! And I want to find a lover whose techique lives up to his press release, who isn't a psycho, and who has a life of the mind. If that's an evil thing, so be it.

[Mr Spock]

oh, OK then-First of all, cut him loose this time. Tell him you've been faking orgasms the whole time, that he isn't worth the risk. Let him know that you don't plan on speaking about the issue again, and if he comes near you you'll get a restraining order against him-play dirty. Tell him the sex isn't good for you, and if he so much as BREATHES at you funny in the future you'll have his ass over the fire for sexual harrasment as anything he tries AFTER you've ended it can be construed as such. If he attempts to touch you, tell him you'll call the police, then his wife. Tell him you are going to pretend like nothing has ever happened, and you hope he's mature enough to do so as well. Sounds like it's time to hit below the belt.

 

It's not fair really, as you led him on-but since we're soley talking about protecting your interests here, playing dirty will have to do.

 

Remember, be calm, be firm, and be strong.